Wife wants to swing, mixed feelings

My wife and i have been married (and monogomous) for 6 years now. We have always had a very good sexual relationship. We have never talked about the subject of swinging in any way until 2 days ago. In fact, she had always been the mildly jealous type - reminding me on occasion that she would want a divorce if I were ever unfaithful.

She was attending a class for her work a few days ago, and started an innocent conversation with a guy, which apparently ended up with she and I being invited to swing with him and his wife.

My wife came home that night, and told me of the conversation. I kind of laughed it off, but then she brought it up again a few minutes later...

My wife basically said that she had 'an epiphany' after her swinging discussion with that guy: That sexuality was a very important part of her life. That our commitment to each other was strong, but that she feels a marriage should be empowering, not limiting. She feels that freeing herself of certain boundaries in her life will enable her to take responsibility for her own happiness. And that doing what makes us both happy shouldn't have restrictions placed on us by society's norms.

So with total conviction, that hasn't wavered over the past 2 days, she wants to get into full swinging, and probably even an open marriage.

I have been trying to overcome the feeling of jealousy i know will be there.
I have been trying to get my mind around the shock of the whole thing - we've been monogomous for the past 8 years, and I always assumed that would never change.
I realize this is a problem most married men wish they had, but i'm pretty conflicted - and I really don't know how it will affect our marriage.

And just in case its relevant, we are both an attractive 38, with no children.

I could really use a little feedback, and words of wisdom.

[BradAndJanet]

Take it slowly. Share your feelings with your wife. Swinging only works with full communication. Don't rush into anything before you've discussed it and both of you are ready.

I've the feeling that her moment of 'epiphany' was the end result of things she's been thinking about for a while. The invitation was just the catalyst she needed to act upon them. She's ahead of you, it seems to me, and you'll have to ask her to give you a chance to catch up. Or to say no. Swinging isn't for everyone.

I wish you both the best of luck. Please come back and register so you can respond to us and we'll do our best to answer your questions.

-B

[jim-n-nicole]

Originally Posted by BradAndJanet

I've the feeling that her moment of 'epiphany' was the end result of things she's been thinking about for a while.

Either that or she has a bad case of lust for the classmate! But I suspect you're right, Brad...she's probably thought about it awhile.

If you need more time to think about it, make sure she knows. If you two decide to take the plunge and want limits with your playmates, those should be fully discussed in advance.

- Jim

[Miss_Piggy]

Brad's advice is absulutely spot on!

Tell your wife exactly what you are feeling. Ask her to give you time to think about the whole thing. Really evaluate the situation. Reading these boards can be very helpful. And don't be afraid to tell her exactly how you feel - whether it be a complete NO or an interest in trying it out. Swinging isn't for everyone but it certainly isn't impossible if you get into it for the right reasons.
Remember to talk and listen as much as possible.

Originally Posted by BradAndJanet
I've the feeling that her moment of 'epiphany' was the end result of things she's been thinking about for a while.

I also must agree. Mainly because of this:

My wife basically said that she had 'an epiphany' after her swinging discussion with that guy: That sexuality was a very important part of her life. That our commitment to each other was strong, but that she feels a marriage should be empowering, not limiting. She feels that freeing herself of certain boundaries in her life will enable her to take responsibility for her own happiness. And that doing what makes us both happy shouldn't have restrictions placed on us by society's norms.

That sounds like someone who has thought about this for a little more than two days.

But I could be wrong.

Talk it out first. Do your research together.
Swinging isn't for everyone. Take small steps to test the waters before diving right in.

[WesternSwing]

You have every reason to feel jealous, and shocked, and bewildered. I mean this came all the way from left field and hit you smack in the head! So don't worry about your feelings. But she should be worrying about your feelings.

My wife and I entered into this after some discussion such as fantasies and such, and went to a party where we decided to wade in a little further. And issues still came up. So take it slow, if you want to go there at all. First and foremost, swinging is about communication. You can't do it right without it. You can't be afraid to voice your opinion about anything that makes you uncomfortable. And you can do it because your relationship is strong enough to handle what is being said.

If she is really serious about trying it out, and what she says about your commitment to eachother being strong, then she will also be serious about going at a speed that is comfortable to you. Swinging is about both of you, not just one of you.

Talk, talk, and talk some more. Then take it at the speed of the slowest person (you).

Mr. WS

[robnbarb]

I gotta say, the major step for me and my wife in all of this was proising to take things step by step rather than jumping into anything. We have yet to actually swing mostly because we are taking time (and advice from people on the board) about what to look for and how to approch people. I would suggest slowing down a bit and talking about both your feelings. Why she seems to be in such a rush and why you are not. That is the first step I think to successful swinging. After that it might be ok to met the couple in question, but for a no sex kind of date, just get to know them. That might help as well, but then again I am still a newbie lol

[JustAskJulie]

You guys definately have to do a lot more talking before anything should happen. You need to express your feelings to her.

While I can understand what she is saying about not setting boundaries to happiness. Your relationship has to be priority and there may need to be boundaries, at least initially, in order to preserve that. Jumping in head first without testing the water is usually not a good idea. Step in slowly.

[taomaster]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

My wife basically said that she had 'an epiphany' ...

Have you never heard anything of this before from her? If not I suspect, as others have said, that the two of you may need to work on communication with each other first before plunging in. It's great that she has had this insight - but you need a chance to have it as well

Has she asked you what you feel about all this?

[flassh]

epiphany: "a divine manifestation"

oh really? So your wife meeting this swinger guy was a divine manifestation. then the other posts were right on in stating that your wife must have had some thoughts about it. Your jealosy it normal but I think you know that she loves you alot so stay on that point.

Honestly, your post sounds like one that a wife (like mine a couple years back) would have posted concerning a husband that has the "revelation" which to the wife sounds like a "I want out of the marriage" or "I want your permission to fool around with ???"

In my case, I loved my wife sooo much I just kept thinking about how much fun we have together and love the erotic and sensual and are committed. could yours be the same?

On the other hand, my 12 year old wants to give up a sport he is good at after many years of committment and now wants to get into karting which, to him, seems like more fun and excitement. Errr. it does have some excitement but may not lead to a scholarship at the university etc....what do I think of his desires versus the parent that wants to set a healthy boundary. Likewise, in my marriage, I know one fact over and over......boundaries are healthy; always have been and always will be. Boundaries stretch us to discover very important things about ourselves and abilities and need to get better at some skill or learning some new emotional approach to life's challenges.....I cannot tell you how important the dedication to this concept is to a successfull marriage for us.

All the best, D and C

[C&D]

As you can see we are all of the same opinion. Communicate, Communicate. It can't be stressed enough. Take it slowly and make sure you discuss the bounderies and rules that can make both of you comfortable. Going into to this with open bounderies can have some major ramifications and that is something neither of you need. You'll find as things progress that the bounderies and rules will open a little more.

Get as much information as you can about the lifestyle and discuss it very openly. This website is a great place to start. The people here have a ton of information and the both of you can benefit tremendously from it. Good luck!


C&D

[Alura]

I also think you should communicate, but you should also keep an open mind.

It's hard to put myself in your boots but I would hope, under similar circumstances, that I would try to delve deeply into my wife's mind and, above all, let her know that I'm open to consider whatever would make her happy. I would certainly be willing to meet the couple for dinner and discuss the idea with them as well.

It would take a lot to get me to go along with an "Open Marriage," but we tried that years ago and found it wasn't for us. We're still open to most things, but only if we discuss it first and agree to whatever we decide may happen.

Good luck, and please do come back, register, and tell us what else you've learned.

Mr. Alura

[Drknow]

You have a very interesting problem that I would like to comment on from the perspective of another non swinger. I am one who has always been fascinated by swinging have have read and participated in a few threads for some time. I am a bit envious of you swingers as I have always fantsized of getting involved myself, but have to say that if my wife came to me and said what yours has said I would have the following reactions. First, I too would be a bit jealous as I would wonder about her motives. From what I have learned of this lifestyle, it is something that a couple pursues together and never is ram roded by one. Things never go beyond the comfort zone of either one and little steps are taken. Like others have said it does sound like she has thought of this for a long time and she obviously has the hots for this guy, but to tell you that she needs to take charge of her own sexual life is to completely violate the unwritten rule that the spouses are to take care of the sexual needs of the partner and if that involves another couple and they are both ready to move in that direction then great. She is wanting to direct her own sexual life and this sounds like a precription for disaster. She needs to become aware of what the swinglifestyle is all about and how it can enhance the marriage relationship. It seems to me that she is wanting to take things in a direction and with a motivation that could lead to dissolution rathen than improvement. Not being one of you guys except in desire, I know I only have part of the picture but I am very impressed by the moral standards of honesty and togetherness that y'all possess. Hope this is helpful.

[sir_dragonfire]

If your uncomfortable doing this, no-way! It can spell disaster. If You want research it, talk to other swingers. The thing is, You have tobe comfortable doing this. It's NO PLACE for jealousy aka green eyed monster, it will end in disaster.