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LustyDesires

Advice for overcoming shyness and or nervousness?

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Hey everyone!

 

As I've mentioned before, my wife and I have been interested in swinging for a LONG time!

In short, we both love sex (who doesn't!) and we definitely share a unconditional love for one another, which is ultimately the reason why we wanted to take our relationship to the next level, a level which most vanilla couples often never see. (As I'm sure any swinger is already is aware of.)

Anyways.

When it comes to sex, and or anything sexual, it just so happens that I'm completely at home so to speak!

For example: During our first MFM Threesome, to my surprise, I had no hang up's about getting naked in front of another man, nor did it bother me in the least that I was sharing my wife with him!

I felt completely comfortable without any nervousness/weirdness from the moment we left our home to head to the hotel, all the way down to the next morning.

In fact it was almost as if, our mfm threesome was in slow motion, and in a good way I was savoring every second of it feeding off of the energy as if I had done this millions of times before.

Overall in general, the act of sex, whether openly talking about it, having it or part-taking in a group play is very much natural feeling to me..

Between the two of us, we/I can clearly notice that I have a much higher sex drive them my wife, sometimes I like to joke saying that my sex drive is insatiable!

(I would like to take this moment to say though; Going into swinging isn't just a excuse for me to have sex with other women, in fact while my wife is interested in girl/girl play, and even interested/more comfortable with swapping with another couple, her limit is that she isn't yet comfortable with seeing me with another girl in terms of a FMF threesome.. Which is completely fine! In fact I have also clearly communicated to her that if she by chance never finds comfort with us having a fmf threesome, and or if swapping with another couple isn't for her, we can always stick with having mfm threesomes!)

Which brings me to my point/question.

My wife is practically the complete opposite to myself in terms of where I am seemingly a natural born slut! haha

She is extremely shy and nervous.

To get a better idea of her;

Although we have been together for just about 8 years now, she can be even shy to talk about certain sexual related topics with myself, so you can just imagine how shy she was going into our first mfm threesome.

During the day of our first MFM Threesome, she was nervous heading to the hotel, and was even more nervous of the reality that her fantasy was coming true!

To calm her nerves and to make things more sensual, we mutually decided to keep her blindfolded and because this first time really was meant to be all about her, I did my best to ease her into what turned out to be quite steamy..

To avoid getting too deep into the story, the point was; She was so nervous that you could literally see her trembling with nervousness and excitement all at the same time! (Which was such a turn on in my opinion!)

Of course after the long foreplay and slowly introducing our guy than having even more foreplay, things heated up pretty smoothly and although she was submissive throughout, eventually the blindfold came off, and well the rest is history!

Anyways, I had thought after that experience, she would feel more comfortable with it, but she definitely still retains nearly the same level of shyness/nervousness as prior to this experience.

 

Which if I understand correctly, this is very common for some people when meeting/playing with new playmates.

 

The big question is; What advice would/could you give to her, or What are some things you would do to calm your shyness/nervousness when meeting and or playing with new playmates for the first time?

 

 

Thanks. =)

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Experience is the best teacher. Some things you can't accept based on logic alone you have to actually do them.

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The Mrs and I have been together for over 10yrs now. She is also very, very shy! This has never changed and I've came to the conclusion that it's just the way she is. Not knowing anything about your better half and just by what I'm reading on your post, maybe she is just that....shy!

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The way I'm reading this, Lusty, is that her reason for agreeing to MFM encounters is more to please you than it is to please herself.

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The way I'm reading this, Lusty, is that her reason for agreeing to MFM encounters is more to please you than it is to please herself.

 

Its possible but as the husband of a shy wife who is a very happy swinger, I can see it not being that way as well.

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The big question is; What advice would/could you give to her, or What are some things you would do to calm your shyness/nervousness when meeting and or playing with new playmates for the first time?

 

I have a couple of questions. Does your wife feel safe, knowing you're there and watching out for her? If not, why not? If so, then what is making her nervous? Does she trust you enough to let go of her inhibitions around talking about sex with you? If so, what is she holding onto them for? Is she afraid of your disapproval? Her own?

 

 

In terms of shyness, I can't help, except to say she might want to practice breathing deeply and not thinking about herself.

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The way I'm reading this, Lusty, is that her reason for agreeing to MFM encounters is more to please you than it is to please herself.

 

Fortunately that's not the case.

To be honest, in the beginning of our relationship, I was actually quite jealous of the attention she would get from guys..

If you were to tell me back then that today I would be willing to share her and even encouraging her to embrace her fantasies, such as having MFM Threesomes, I would have never believed it!

In fact, in the beginning of our relationship, my biggest fantasy was typically like most guys, and that was to have FMF Threesomes..

 

Understanding that communication is key, we talked quite a lot about this sort of thing, and eventually we sat back one day and let the fantasies/desires come out with the sky being just the beginning..

Of course around this point all sorts of things came up, including her fantasy of being shared with two guys. (Myself and another of course!)

She also admit that, this was something she always has wanted to try, even before we were together, but never admitted it because of her shy nature.

From this point, we ultimately started having these sorts of conversations on a weekly basis, than on a nightly basis..

After a few of our talks, it came out that after much thought, she wasn't actually ready to have a FMF Threesome.

Respecting her feelings, and not being interested in pushing our relationship down a bad path, I reassured her that we don't have to have a FMF if she doesn't feel it.

Time went by, and our chats further delved into our fantasies.. The more we talked about it, the more the idea of a MFM Threesome started to sound good.

In simple; I love watching her moan, and love pleasing her, so it wasn't long before the thought of her being pleased by myself and another guy became my fantasy as well..

(Keyword is: "Fantasy". I loved the thought of it, but wasn't sure about it ever coming true..)

We bought books on the subject, and she even started to read MFM stories in her free time, in fact between those stories and visualizing MFM's during sex, things in the bedroom became extra steamy!

 

Seeing how much it got her going, and really becoming aroused by the MFM Fantasy, I pop the question; "What if we set up a MFM Threesome for real?"

I'm sure at first she thought I was messing with her, but after reassuring her I wasn't, she nervously said she wanted it! (And believe me! I asked her if she was sure.. I even said "Make sure you really do want this, and you aren't just doing it because of me or something..", she nodded and acknowledged she understood and again said she wants it.)

 

From this point on, we not only talked about it, we visualized it during sex, and I even bought her a dildo for realism, all the while we searched for the right guy to bring this fantasy to reality..

Being new to this sort of thing, we really didn't know where to start.. The club and bar scene wasn't for us, so we went with the internet approach.. To say the least we spent a lot of time interviewing, meeting and going through many guys.. Eventually we found this one guy that we both were feeling, and we set a date for the MFM Threesome..

She was SUPER excited! In fact, we went to a few adult shops and lingerie stores because she wanted to find something sexy to wear.. When that guy flaked out, she seemed so disappointed..

It actually wasn't just until last year, after interviewing a bunch of guys, that we found our guy! This time around, things moved forward and we experienced our first MFM Threesome.

 

The very next morning, she mounted me and asked: "Can we do it again!!"

 

I would also like to add that I always ask her if she still wants this, and that if she ever doesn't, never to hesitate saying otherwise.. She always says she does.

I also reminder her time to time, that regardless of what we do, whether it is a MFM, a FMF or Swapping with another couple, to be sure that it's what she wants, and never to just agree with it just to do it for me..

 

 

So I believe that it is clearly established that this is also what she wants.

And she knows that if she ever decides that she is not interested in the swinging lifestyle anymore, she will have my full support.

I hope this clarifies the way you've read my post. ;)

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I have a couple of questions. Does your wife feel safe, knowing you're there and watching out for her? If not, why not? If so, then what is making her nervous? Does she trust you enough to let go of her inhibitions around talking about sex with you? If so, what is she holding onto them for? Is she afraid of your disapproval? Her own?

 

 

In terms of shyness, I can't help, except to say she might want to practice breathing deeply and not thinking about herself.

 

I do believe that she does feel safe with me, and knows that I am always there for her, watching out for her.

From what I understand, she does trust in me, and tries to talk to me as openly as possible regarding her sexuality/fantasies and or desires.

In fact, from the first time we met, until this current moment, she has made progress, but she is still a very very shy person.

Her shyness and nervousness apparently stems from her overall nature in general.

 

Example: Her parents (namely her mother) is extremely strict/religious.. She grew up going to a private school and was pretty much taught to be/behave in a certain way.

Sex was a forbidden/taboo subject, etc etc..

 

I personally believe, and based on my understanding of her, that she doesn't have a strong self-confidence level.

(Again, i think this is reflective of her upbringing.)

I am constantly trying to boost her confidence, and I was/am hoping swinging can help her realize how beautiful and sexy she really is!

Unfortunately this lacking in confidence, which often is the case for shyness and nervousness, causes her to worry more about what our potential new playmates may think of her, rather then just letting go of her inhibitions and focusing more on the fun she should be having..

 

 

I think that with time, if I continue to boost her confidence, that she will eventually find it easier to calm her nervousness..

She very much wants to get more into the swinging lifestyle, and very much wants to experience many more MFM Threesomes!

So, based on our shared desires, I was curious to know, what methods other swingers use to calm those nerves..

It seems to me that it's as "Chicup" says; "Experience is the best teacher. Some things you can't accept based on logic alone you have to actually do them."

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The Mrs and I have been together for over 10yrs now. She is also very, very shy! This has never changed and I've came to the conclusion that it's just the way she is. Not knowing anything about your better half and just by what I'm reading on your post, maybe she is just that....shy!

 

Hey SwingSetHusband,

 

How does your wife overcome her shyness? Does she just jump in and let the flow of things take its course? Or does she use any specific methods to relax?

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Hey SwingSetHusband,

 

How does your wife overcome her shyness? Does she just jump in and let the flow of things take its course? Or does she use any specific methods to relax?

 

A lot of tequila shots!!! Lmao, I'm just kidding!! Well, once she gets comfortable in whatever the situation may be she usually just pops right out of it. Like I said, the Mrs is just a shy person all together.

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Husband is right in his assessment, but I'll elaborate some :) I am EXTREMELY shy to the point of social phobia. And yes, a lot it has to do with insecurity and lack of confidence (a swinger taboo according to some things I've read *eye roll*). At least from what I am reading, this shyness your wife has hasn't caused some of the problems that mine has in our relationship, but maybe it has so... SSHusband is very outgoing and has an extremely high sex drive as you have described, mine is much more like your wife. My shyness and lower sex drive has led husband in the past to believe I was doing the swinger thing just because he wanted to (causing the problems). That's not the case at all. I love swinging (sometimes I think even MORE than he does). But I don't feel my shyness is something I need to "get over". It is who I am- period and as he said, he has learned to accept it.

 

As far as advice, you take the lead if that is what is comfortable for her. That is what I have asked husband to do (and admittedly we are still working on it lol). He, for the most part, handles our swinger profile, contacts new perspective partners, etc. I give my input as far as who I am attracted to, if I see any red flags, or if I feel comfortable with the other couple. No matter how long we chat with somone and no matter how comfortable I feel, in each step of moving forward, the shyness creeps back in. For example, just because I'm comfortable chatting online doesn't mean I won't be a least a little uncomfortable on the phone. And once I'm comfortable with that doesn't mean I won't be uncomfortable the first time meeting in person. It is a constant ebb and flow of getting used to the situation. But we have learned to handle it in a way that the other couple doesn't even notice (cause again, husband fills the void and takes the lead).

 

As he described above, I have a tendency to just "pop out of it". There is no specific trick or method I can use to speed this up, it is just my comfort level. I can 1. Become more comfortable by finding things in common with the other couple to talk about or 2. If talking is not working just jump straight into the sex lol.

 

It might help if she starts kissing and touching you and perhaps the other man can start caressing her from behind. Or she can start stroking him while kissing you, so that her attention is mainly on you while she is "warming up".

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One other thought, try not to test her boundries. It isn't up to you or anyone else to determine her comfort level or how long she takes to feel any particular way. Yes, do whatever you can to boost her confidence. But as husband found out (the hard way unfortunately), you can't get frustrated because it isn't turning out the way you want it. There is likely nothing you can do to "help" except be supportive. As Chicup said, experience will help. But you expressed that she is still shy with you after 8 years. I am the same way with husband after 10 years. So living the situation is not everything, shyness is just shyness.

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A lot of tequila shots!!! Lmao, I'm just kidding!! Well, once she gets comfortable in whatever the situation may be she usually just pops right out of it. Like I said, the Mrs is just a shy person all together.

 

Drinks seems to be a common favorite! lol

 

Thanks for your input! you may be very right, she may be just like your wife and is just a shy person all together.

 

 

Husband is right in his assessment, but I'll elaborate some :) I am EXTREMELY shy to the point of social phobia. And yes, a lot it has to do with insecurity and lack of confidence (a swinger taboo according to some things I've read *eye roll*). At least from what I am reading, this shyness your wife has hasn't caused some of the problems that mine has in our relationship, but maybe it has so... SSHusband is very outgoing and has an extremely high sex drive as you have described, mine is much more like your wife. My shyness and lower sex drive has led husband in the past to believe I was doing the swinger thing just because he wanted to (causing the problems). That's not the case at all. I love swinging (sometimes I think even MORE than he does). But I don't feel my shyness is something I need to "get over". It is who I am- period and as he said, he has learned to accept it.

 

As far as advice, you take the lead if that is what is comfortable for her. That is what I have asked husband to do (and admittedly we are still working on it lol). He, for the most part, handles our swinger profile, contacts new perspective partners, etc. I give my input as far as who I am attracted to, if I see any red flags, or if I feel comfortable with the other couple. No matter how long we chat with somone and no matter how comfortable I feel, in each step of moving forward, the shyness creeps back in. For example, just because I'm comfortable chatting online doesn't mean I won't be a least a little uncomfortable on the phone. And once I'm comfortable with that doesn't mean I won't be uncomfortable the first time meeting in person. It is a constant ebb and flow of getting used to the situation. But we have learned to handle it in a way that the other couple doesn't even notice (cause again, husband fills the void and takes the lead).

 

As he described above, I have a tendency to just "pop out of it". There is no specific trick or method I can use to speed this up, it is just my comfort level. I can 1. Become more comfortable by finding things in common with the other couple to talk about or 2. If talking is not working just jump straight into the sex lol.

 

It might help if she starts kissing and touching you and perhaps the other man can start caressing her from behind. Or she can start stroking him while kissing you, so that her attention is mainly on you while she is "warming up".

 

Thank you for your advice/input also!

I've definitely read about those "swinger taboo's" in terms of insecurities should be cleared up prior to getting into the lifestyle.

Fortunately, I feel we have a pretty solid foundation or set up to void out those often negatives..

Example: She isn't the most confident person in the world, often over thinking what others may think of her, but as seen in our first MFM Threesome, once things start rolling, and the mood sets in, she although still pretty submissive, does eventually let loose and enjoys it. (Nothing wrong with being submissive though!)

As for her not entirely being ready to share me with another woman unless it's in the couple swapping sense. I have made this very clear to her, and will time to time give her a comforting reminder that if she never comes around to the idea of being comfortable with having a FMF Threesome, and or if we try swapping/a foursome with another couple and she isn't feeling it, that we can drop those completely! That we won't pursue it or anything unless she is honestly 100% with it.

I have even told her that, if things come to that, that we can just stick to having MFM Threesomes!

(After all, as sexy as having another girl or couple join us, I not only am madly in love with my wife, but to me seeing her being pleasured and shared with another guy is such a turn on! The more turned on she is, the more she moans or even the more wild she becomes, only adds to mine! So to say the least, if this is all she wants there is no complaints with me! haha)

 

From our current experience, and my constantly confirming that we're on the same page about the swinging lifestyle, I'd say things are going good and fortunately those potential swinger taboo's aren't bringing us down as they would some others..

 

 

As long as she desires to be involved in the lifestyle, I will definitely do what I can to be there for her.

Ironic enough, that seems identically similar to us! She also prefers that I take the lead, handling our swinger profiles, and new potential partners..

I also do what I can to keep her involved as much as possible, she will also give her input and will look for red flags too.

I have also told her that if ever we meet someone and she becomes shy, that I will always be there to fill the void and do what I can to give her openings to spark more conversations.

haha Funny enough, when her shyness often kicks in, she has admittedly said she is more comfortable with jumping right into the sex, and letting me take care of the talking..

(I have a feeling if you guys were local to us, we could be good friends, and we would likely feel comfortable going to you guys, as we share similarities!)

 

"It might help if she starts kissing and touching you and perhaps the other man can start caressing her from behind. Or she can start stroking him while kissing you, so that her attention is mainly on you while she is "warming up""

Actually this really did help! During our MFM Threesome, we came into the room with her blindfolded so she wasn't pressured by seeing our guest in the room.

For a little while, I would run my hands up and down her body slowly peeling away her lingerie, kissing her touching her.. Giving our guest a show! haha

From there I walked her over to the bed, and sat her between our guy and myself, and continued kissing and caressing her, after a few moment's I signaled our guy to join in, and he did the same from behind her, we let her go with the flow, whether it was stroking the other guy or touching me, this seemed to help her get into it..

 

haha Well.. Just thinking about this and our mfm has got me craving it again! :lol:

 

 

 

One other thought, try not to test her boundries. It isn't up to you or anyone else to determine her comfort level or how long she takes to feel any particular way. Yes, do whatever you can to boost her confidence. But as husband found out (the hard way unfortunately), you can't get frustrated because it isn't turning out the way you want it. There is likely nothing you can do to "help" except be supportive. As Chicup said, experience will help. But you expressed that she is still shy with you after 8 years. I am the same way with husband after 10 years. So living the situation is not everything, shyness is just shyness.

 

 

Definitely!

Thanks to our being interested in the lifestyle for most of our relationship, we have spent a lot of time reading and researching into things..

So being supportive and reminding her how beautiful she is daily, is definitely my big focus.

I understand your advice though! I'm aware that inside of myself somewhere, a part of me would love for her to become very confident, without hesitation and able to jump right into it with a sort of wild dominance.. lol But I also understand that pushing her boundaries if she's not ready could leave room for regret.

I don't want this to be a bad experience, and being frustrated is never a sexy feeling..

From my current understanding it seems the best thing I can do is to continue moving forward in the way that we have been, and to let experience play it's part.

 

On the positive note, she at least has been making progress in terms of being able to talk to me about what she's been raised to feel is taboo to talk about. Which is great!

But knowing that there is a couple out there similar to us in this sense, whom really does enjoy swinging really is a inspiration!

 

Again thank you for your input! ;)

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