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Why does everything have to be "equal"?

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When it comes to swapping? I mean, I get it to a certain extent. If one guy is going to "hook up" with your wife, you want to hook up with his wife. Totally understandable. But with the details it gets more confusing. For example, there is a thread that asks about swallowing. I'm totally not into it. I don't even do it with hubby. Now I know from what I have read and from experience that some couples will not "allow" the other wife to swallow because I'm not into it. That makes no sense to me. If she likes it, she likes it. There might be things I like that she doesn't like.

 

Do you require things to be super matchy or do you go with the flow?

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That's an excellent question. In our experience people tend to keep things matchy like that to avoid causing drama. But I think it's one of those areas where more communication would solve the problem. I mean you're already talking about sex.. it's not like hammering out additional details with your rules will make the conversation any less AWKWARD! LOL But that may just be me. I tend to be very open and sassy!

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I have to say, I thought this thread was going to be asking something else...I'm glad it's asking this instead. :) Sometimes, it can be about avoiding drama, like Mochacino said. But I think it might stem from insecurity or a need to be in control of the situation or even a power trip. In terms of swallowing...I'm thrilled when we swap with another couple that has a female willing to swallow! Mr. Sun can get that experience from someone who loves it and is willing to do it. That's how I see it. Same goes for any other activity that I don't quite enjoy. :lol:

 

However, I have a feeling that the dynamics change when it's something that is enjoyable but is "denied" when swapping. For example, I enjoy being taken from behind but let's say the male that I am swapping with doesn't want to do it. If I were to demand Mr. Sun to not do that position with the other woman, not only am I acting selfishly ("I can't get what I want so I don't want someone else to get it, too") but trying to control the situation in such a way that might instigate drama. Unfortunately, even though it is irrational, that's how human beings are. :(

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I guess what I would "require" is that everyone be comfortable and have a good time. For instance, I don't actually require that I hook up with a guys wife when he hooks up with mine. Honestly, I get so much enjoyment out of watching my wife enjoy herself, my only real requirement is that I get to be with my wife at the end of the night. That's me. Everyone is different.

 

I think sunbuckus is right, that it is a way to avoid drama at best, a matter of control and power at worst.

 

I think, for me, this idea also really highlights a need to discuss guidelines and boundaries before hitting the sheets, and being willing to say "you know, we're not comfortable with X, Y, Z so I think we'll pass... but it was great meeting you and I really hope you find someone you click with."

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I think, for me, this idea also really highlights a need to discuss guidelines and boundaries before hitting the sheets, and being willing to say "you know, we're not comfortable with X, Y, Z so I think we'll pass... but it was great meeting you and I really hope you find someone you click with."

 

I wonder if this goes back to the issue of where couples who have a lot of rules are more likely to engage in "drama".

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However, I have a feeling that the dynamics change when it's something that is enjoyable but is "denied" when swapping. For example, I enjoy being taken from behind but let's say the male that I am swapping with doesn't want to do it. If I were to demand Mr. Sun to not do that position with the other woman, not only am I acting selfishly ("I can't get what I want so I don't want someone else to get it, too") but trying to control the situation in such a way that might instigate drama. Unfortunately, even though it is irrational, that's how human beings are. :(

 

I could never imagine dictating which positions they were allowed to do! And as for being taken from behind...who DOESN'T like that!?! Lol But I agree that it could be a bit of a power trip or a control issue. And no one ever said that there aren't a fair share of irrational people in the LS....

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I think having expectations of perfect equality is setting a couple up for failure. What would be next... Mrs. A came 4 times, so Mrs. B can only cum 4 times? Isn't it better to look at the big picture? Did each partner enjoy themselves? Did it enhance the relationship? Overall, is the experiences they are having good ones? I'm quite sure that in the long run things even themselves out if a couple are honest with each other.

 

So... side question. What if things are NOT equal? I see married couples who have vastly different rules for each partner such as the wife enjoying gang bangs and the husband only playing if the wife chooses. Does this mean that resentment will build? Are they doomed to fail or are they just being true to themselves?

My question is personal as I have a long term friend with benefits who wants more of a relationship with me. He does swing and we have been together in swinging situations in the past. He knows I will only be in an open relationship and he is fine with that however states that he will choose to not play solo even though he knows I would be doing so. So couples... please lend me your thoughts

HG

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And as for being taken from behind...who DOESN'T like that!?! Lol

 

You know, I could have sworn I saw a few votes from women on the forum who didn't like sex in that position.

 

So... side question. What if things are NOT equal? I see married couples who have vastly different rules for each partner such as the wife enjoying gang bangs and the husband only playing if the wife chooses. Does this mean that resentment will build? Are they doomed to fail or are they just being true to themselves?

My question is personal as I have a long term friend with benefits who wants more of a relationship with me. He does swing and we have been together in swinging situations in the past. He knows I will only be in an open relationship and he is fine with that however states that he will choose to not play solo even though he knows I would be doing so. So couples... please lend me your thoughts

HG

 

Hippiegirlie, I think your situation is vastly different from the hypothetical you offered. In your hypothetical, it sounds like the wife is dictating who, where, and when he plays. In your situation, your friend is choosing to not play in certain circumstances. You aren't limiting him...he is doing it to himself. If I am understanding correctly, if he decides to play solo, you would be okay with it. Whereas I can see the possibility of resentment easily for your hypothetical, it is less so with your situation. If he gets resentful, it might be the other way around...where he wants to be more in control and wishes you wouldn't play with others.

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I read in one of the archives post (i think...?) about someone telling of a couple that had a rule that went something like "you can kiss, but only during sex. not during foreplay. and you can only kiss if we all do it at the same time." Dafuq? So you want me to stop and say... hey I think I'm going to kiss now, so yall do it too. K Thx :D lol

 

Sun- I totally understand where you are coming from. I couldn't imagine telling my husband he couldn't do something just because I wasn't into it. In fact, I want him to seek out partners that like what I am not into. We got into swinging to try different things. If we could only do the same ol' thing, then we would just be monogamous. On the other hand, the other type of situation that I had in mind when I posted this was something like- Wife1- "I'm not really comfortable with having cum in my mouth so please just let me know when you are about to cum." Husband2- "Oh well if you are not going to swallow my cum then I don't want my wife swallowing your husbands." This is ludicrous to me. I understand that it probably comes from the reasons mentioned above... but... I just don't think we would roll that way.

 

HG- I agree that your situation is different, but I think it is a good topic for discussion and encourage you to post a new thread so we can talk about it :)

 

 

I'd like to hear from some couples that do like to keep things matchy, if there are some out there. I would love to hear your insight into this topic and the reasons behind you choosing to do things that way. I don't want the previous comments to scare you away. I can assure you that none of us bite the unwilling, and we are all just here for friendly discussion.

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I know with Mishu and I, things are pretty simple. There are a couple things she'd like to reserve as "just for us," and I agree to. This isn't because she is controlling, but because I want her to have the best experiences possible and if that helps then I want it too.

 

I don't feel the need to impose limitations, and in fact don't even feel the need for symmetry in swinging. Finding fourway chemistry with another couple isn't easy, but single men grow on trees (sorry, it's true). If she's up for a little extra dick and it doesn't include a woman for me, that's fine. As was posted above, I get her at the end of the night and I love knowing she's having a great time. From my perspective, it costs me nothing to encourage her to enjoy herself without limits, but the payoff is immeasurable.

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I feel that if you got into swinging was to be spontaneous and as open you can with your playmate and not as scripted like because you do this to me I'll do the same to you. That's our mind set when we swing and have as much fun as we can :-):-)

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Isn't one of the reasons for swapping partners to experience (enjoy) someone different? And, isn't that enjoyment partially for experiencing some 'thing' different? We're all different and we all have different things we might enjoy. So, if there's something you've always wanted to do that your spouse doesn't want to do, why not find a couple with a spouse who does?

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There isn't a whole lot that's equal between Mr. LFM and me. Well, to a certain extent, yes... But when it comes to swinging, not always. If he hooks up with someone, and I don't... so what? We don't keep score because to us, that's not what swinging is about. Swinging to us is about experiencing something that we've not experienced before.

 

We don't have rules and I guess that's where we're a little different than most.

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Our only rule, between the two of us, is that we only play together. Even that is a bit broadly defined. We have both been at bars where I have been felt, played with and fingered at bars while on the dance floor and that is fine. Hubby may sit at the bar talking to the guys or watching the game, or, at motorcycle rallies, even gone outside with the guys to smoke a cigar while I play on the dance floor. We did an MFM with a guy that we had met (him and his wife) previously and had one prior MFM with him. We met at a hotel bar, had a few drinks but the guy wanted to get started with me before hubby joined in. So, that was fine, hubby walked up the room with us, we went in, game him the key and he went back to the bar for 30 minutes as the other guy and I got started. Similarly, hubby has gotten off first, gone into another room and the other guy and I finish.

 

Our first several swing experiences were MFMs. As such, there was no equal. I think on the first one I did the classic suck on cock and then the other as you see in the movies but I quickly moved to more natural sequences, perhaps sucking one while the other goes down on you or whatever. Once guy cums first and you continue to play with the other. But when you move to same room swaps, they tend to be side by side. In the first one or two it was kind of a copy cat thing; she did this to hubby so I did the same to her hubby, or she would do what I was doing. I saw that happening and really didn't enjoy it so made an effort to change it, brake the routine. On the other side, you don't want it to become competitive, both ladies trying to prove that they are more nasty or hotter that the other. I know what turns me on and I try to figure out what turns the other guy on. Now, she rims, I don't do that. I am smaller (size 2), was in high school and college gymnastics and after college played league tennis. I have thunder thighs but also have 34C's with large nipples. If may find that her hubby loves big boobs so I will use them to turn him on. She has A's and my hubby moves right on down past them, he's enjoying those long legs wrapped around his neck.. I know my boobies are really exciting her hubby so I get on top and do my hooker squat so he gets the maximum affect of what he seems to like. I know also that my hubby will enjoy that show as well as he glances up. It has to be more about turning your self on, turning on the one your with and then doing anything you can to help hubby enjoy doing what he is doing, kind of in that order.

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I agree with the people who say there should not be a you can only do what I do. Part of the fun is to experience new things with new people. I would never not do something because the other wife doesn't do it with Alan. I think I know what I will and won't do. I would never say to Alan, you never did that to me why did you do it to her. It would be more like lets try what you did with her. Isn't part of the fun experimenting and learning new things. Now I am someone who will swallow. If it came to the point where a partner was going to cum from oral, it would be natural for me to do that. I wouldn't stop and ask Alan if she swallowed. We are currently seeing a couple a number of times. Anal was part of what we did. I allow Alan to do it and I felt this partner wanted to do it. It is not my favorite thing but it is part of the moment. Alan watched and later told me it was great to watch what might have been this mans first time doing that. It seems his wife doesn't allow him. I do admit I now stop him from doing it only because it became an every time thing. My choice, not Alan's. I do think if Alan was not having his fun with the other wife, he would tell me and we would stop seeing them.

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We found that we had WAY more fun once we weren't worried about fairness, equality, etc...

 

Sometimes things just work; we play together with another couple or get into a pile together and it's great. Sometimes she finds someone(s) and I have good conversation, sometimes I end up playing quite a bit more than her, but we both are ok with whatever ends up happening but it's because we trust we're looking out for each other. I may go off and play with someone else but between people, sessions, I always check in and she does the same. If we ever have some feelings sneak up on us we disengage and spend more time with each other.

 

At clubs we almost always end up playing together with other people, at parties it's totally open season and I'd say two out of three times we end up playing separately, sometimes in the same room but with different people.

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God no, that sounds exhausting. And not very fun or spontaneous. And reminds me a bit of arguments about housework needing to be "equal." (Don't know why it reminded me of that, completely different context but something about the spirit of it seems related.) When my husband and I find ourselves feeling peeved about "inequality" type things in our relationship, whatever the context, we've found it usually signals something else is going on, more basic and significant -- things like feeling taking for granted, not communicating needs well to one another (expecting mind reading type powers out of one another), feeling insecure or vulnerable internally and projecting it onto the other person/the relationship, etc. If we were with a couple where one of them got upset about something like that I think it would make us back off because we'd find it to be a sign of an insecure relationship, rightly or wrongly that would be the assumption I think.

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Guest Ready2dewit

Have noticed the "equality clause" usually kicks in when the male half isn't getting as much action or attention as the female is.....just an observation!

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Have noticed the "equality clause" usually kicks in when the male half isn't getting as much action or attention as the female is.....just an observation!

 

This is quite an interesting observation!

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We decided life is not fair.

 

I'm glad others can do what I can't or won't. He is too.

 

If your partner could not eat ice cream due to an allergy, would he/she demand you never eat it?

 

Makes sense to me to let the experiences just happen and enjoy what each can every time.

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All very ironic to me, since a big portion of what attracted me to this lifestyle in the first place is that watching my lady enjoy herself is its own reward to me. Whether that be pleasure that I give her, she gives herself, or another person gives her is immaterial. I just enjoy her pleasure.

I think our entire relationship would be more bland and less rewarding if this weren't the case on both sides. Maybe we're just really lucky.

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I've never worried about things being an exact match up. As others have said we're there for different experiences. We have few if any rules at all. We have tried anal in the past and didn't particularly enjoy it so it's not something we do. However if wifey got into it with someone I would be asking what is different and try to learn from it. Perhaps we missed something.

 

On the other hand she doesn't like someone cumming in her mouth. To her credit she's tried to get past it but it's still a real challenge and I don't push it. So if she started sucking some guy down like a fine liqueur I'd be having a WTF moment and a lot of discussion after. That would hit me personally.

 

I guess there's just no absolutes!

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Guest sandraandalex

I admit I tend to 'put out' more than most other wives. But hey. I gotta be me.

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