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  1. #1
    Lifestyle Mentor mauijanedoe's Avatar
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    Question How out are you and what is that like?

    So, we've been living on a small island and generally keeping to ourselves, playing only away from home and only with old friends of mine. How small an island? So small that telling one person we were moving to the Mainland was like posting a status update on Facebook. That and my job sorta mandated keeping under the radar.

    We're less inclined to be discreet once we move, but at the same time, we don't necessarily want to completely connect our everyday life with our swinging activities. Here's the problem: My partner's name is distinctive. So distinctive that even if you don't know the state in which we currently live, you only have to go to page two of a Google search to find him. Since we plan to play with relative strangers once we move, that matters.

    So, how many of you are or would be comfortable with lack of anonymity?
    I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. - John Waters

  2. #2
    Swingers Board Addict km34's Avatar
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    Default Re: How out are you and what is that like?

    We're pretty out now that we live across the country from our families and anyone who lives in or grew up in our hometown.

    That being said, we don't make it a point to tell people we're swingers (unless they are close to us or we are interested in swinging with them), but we don't make it a point to hide it either. If anyone looks at our computer, they'll find SLS and Swingersboard have links right at the top of the browser, our calendar that hangs by the door has our dates with people written on it and when we plan to go to a club or meet and greet it gets written on the calendar too. People who look around our apartment would need to be blind not to see any mention of swinging. (I will have to remember to take the calendar down when family comes to visit )

    We find that people can usually guess that we swing and/or are open. Nobody that we have talked about it with have been surprised. Apparently there is a vibe that even vanilla people pick up on and we exude it.

  3. #3
    Swingers Board Guide angelkin's Avatar
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    Default Re: How out are you and what is that like?

    We have been fairly up front with my family, even my grown kids suspect it... His family knows nothing and supects nothing. We don't go around telling people about it openly, but his closest guy friend and my closest girl friend and their respective spouses know.

    Neither of us would like for people at work to know what wonderful things we do on the weekends. We're pretty careful not to meet people from the local area and not play too close to home.

    I wish I could be completely out there, but feel pretty good about where we are.
    There's time for sleep when you're dead.

  4. #4
    Breaking Barriers cupl4fun's Avatar
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    Default Re: How out are you and what is that like?

    People who are very close to us know, but other than a few friends we try to still keep our anonymity. We have found that people knowing creates a strange dynamic that we just really don't like. We were "outed" 4 years ago and we were shocked by how much more it affected us than we would have expected it would. We were part of a fundamentalist religious organization at the time, so obviously we knew that part of our lives was going to be bad if people found out. The part of being outed that shocked us though was how people we thought would always be our friends and would love us no matter what, treated us very differently. It seemed as if some became uncomfortable because they felt like we had some ulterior desire to hook up with them every time we were around them. Other people seemed to think that we were some nymphos who fucked everyone and seemed perturbed that we hadn't shown any interest in them. The whole dynamic of lots of people knowing our sexual business was just very strange. We have since moved to a new town, have started new lives, and do our best to keep our anonymity now.
    Last edited by cupl4fun; 06-16-2012 at 01:19 AM.
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  5. #5
    Founder JustAskJulie's Avatar
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    Default Re: How out are you and what is that like?

    I have to be comfortable to an extent. A lot of our friends know, obviously people in our swinger circles know. However, people at his work don't know (and don't need to). That said, the only people we really care about not finding out are our parents. Of course, there's a good possibility my mom already knows, whether she wants to admit it or not (long story).

    In his position, we have to at least be willing to be outted if it ever came up.

    Is it his first name that is so uncommon or his full name? Typically, there's no need for people to know your full name within the swinging circles. We keep that on a need to know basis (and yet lots of our friends do end up knowing it - usually thanks to dinner reservations or the like..lol). We just don't go up to people and introduce ourselves as Julie & Pet Smith.
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  6. #6
    Just a hick Okie Alura's Avatar
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    Default Re: How out are you and what is that like?

    I would "come out" but, Hell!, nobody would care.

    Alura
    "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it."
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  7. #7
    Lifestyle Mentor mauijanedoe's Avatar
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    Default Re: How out are you and what is that like?

    Thanks, everyone. It's helping to get a variety of responses.

    Quote Originally Posted by JustAskJulie View Post
    Is it his first name that is so uncommon or his full name? Typically, there's no need for people to know your full name within the swinging circles. We keep that on a need to know basis (and yet lots of our friends do end up knowing it - usually thanks to dinner reservations or the like..lol). We just don't go up to people and introduce ourselves as Julie & Pet Smith.
    Just using his first name gets multiple (correct) Google hits very early in the search string. I suppose we could have decided to concoct "swinger names," but that would feel wrong. And I'd probably only remember for about 10 minutes before calling him by his real name anyway. ;-)

    I really am fine with friends and close acquaintances in the swinger world knowing a lot about us, including our last names. I never hid that information before, when I was a solo player, although I didn't go out of my way to share it. However, where I played with the same people for years, my partner's preference is for a lot more variety, which means meeting people through places like SLS. Using intials until we're sure we want to meet is one way to control the flow, but after that it's about 30 seconds work to pierce the anonymity veil.
    I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. - John Waters

  8. #8
    Founder JustAskJulie's Avatar
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    Default Re: How out are you and what is that like?

    Quote Originally Posted by mauijanedoe View Post

    Just using his first name gets multiple (correct) Google hits very early in the search string. I suppose we could have decided to concoct "swinger names," but that would feel wrong. And I'd probably only remember for about 10 minutes before calling him by his real name anyway. ;-)

    I really am fine with friends and close acquaintances in the swinger world knowing a lot about us, including our last names. I never hid that information before, when I was a solo player, although I didn't go out of my way to share it. However, where I played with the same people for years, my partner's preference is for a lot more variety, which means meeting people through places like SLS. Using intials until we're sure we want to meet is one way to control the flow, but after that it's about 30 seconds work to pierce the anonymity veil.
    Hmm, yeah I think in your situation I'd probably stick to using initials until you are dead set on meeting (and maybe even until you've met). We know one couples that does use "swinger names" online but when they meet you in person they give you their real names. I think were I in your shoes I might do that, just because I'd have a really hard time trusting random people on SLS (or any other online site) to be discreet.
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  9. #9
    Swingers Board Addict SAMnTINA's Avatar
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    Default Re: How out are you and what is that like?

    We are way out there. But then we did the Oprah thing. Told our kids before we did and also told our employees. We live in South Florida and it's not much of a big deal here had a few clients ask us about it. (We are both accountants and have our own firm) but all they wanted to know is "What is Oprah like?" Today it's don't ask unless you want us to tell, and it kind of does break the ice with all new employees as we tell them before they start working for us. We also tell them that we have a rule against playing with employees. We keep hopping that one of the hot new hires will say "If you don't play with employees I just can't take the job." but-that has never happened.
    Steve & Terri

  10. #10
    Swingers Board Guide SW_PA_Couple's Avatar
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    Default Re: How out are you and what is that like?

    Quote Originally Posted by mauijanedoe View Post
    So, how many of you are or would be comfortable with lack of anonymity?
    We seem to be anonymous in just the right circles such as other lifestyle people, one daughter who figured it out on her own (she thinks were crazy), and a few non-lifestyles acquaintances. If anybody else figures it out, we would not consider it a disaster. People worry about this more than what they need. I would say to y'all what locally recognizable person we have seen at a house party but that would be telling when we are not supposed to tell, now wouldn't it? This person does not seem to care and this same person would, presumably, have a lot more to loose so why would we care.
    "I'll be mellow when I'm dead" ~Wierd Al Yankovic

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