Rule List

[sunbuckus]

Hello, everyone! Mr. Sunbuckus and I have been talking about general issues of jealousy, bigger body parts on the other couple, etc. However, I was curious about a comprehensive "rule" list to discuss. For example, condoms? (YES!) Should we use signals to show dis/interest or not? Sex on first day or not? What else should we be considering that might not be obvious?

[angelkin]

Anal and swallowing are on our list of "No's"...that's reserved just for us

[km34]

Our only rule is no anal. We also don't PLAN on sex during the first meet, although if we talk about it (just the two of us, without the other person/couple within hearing range) and agree, we will go for it. We've tried to come up with a gesture or something to let the other know that we are definitely NOT interested or definitely ARE interested, but it has never worked out so we went back to having to outright say out loud to the other what we want.

[lovinher]

Some couples start with no rules and some with many. The only rules that matter are the limits you as a couple have right now. There is no right or wrong. Although the more rules you have, the less likely you will find couples willing to play, but that's OK. IMO, rules should be in place for newbies until you both figure out what you are comfortable with. Chances are they will change as you go.

We have a signal for "let's talk". But usually all I have to do is look at her to determine interest or disinterest.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by lovinher

The only rules that matter are the limits you as a couple have right now. There is no right or wrong.

This.

Don't have a long list of rules just so you can say "We have rules".
Make rules only about what is important to you. As you proceed with swinging, you may identify some things that you hadn't previously considered, but now would like to apply a boundary to. You may also find that one of your rules was really useless, and there's no need for it. Adjust as you go.

Over time we have washed away most of our rules. It basically comes down to "if in doubt, ask", get permission/an ok before playing solo, and "have fun".
We both know that we can at any time add a rule back if either of us feels the need.

As far as sexual acts, we really don't have a "just for us" thing. We're open to anything that turns us on.

Good luck!

[sunbuckus]

Thanks all, for your input. Maybe I'm curious about what type of rules some couples have out there. I was thinking this morning about a situation where two couples were swapping but one male couldn't get his equipment to function correctly, thus cutting playtime short for him and the swapped female. Would it be more prudent to allow the other female and male continue to play (and the two out of commission partners would eat a sandwich in the corner...I kid!) or would the two couples cut their losses and maybe meet a different night?

Also, when discussing "rules" with another couple do you set everything out first in email/chat/online or in person before playtime?

[EroticImaginati]

We set our rules out right from the front. We really only have one rule as far as sex goes: No kissing during intercourse. Which, neither of us are fans of kissing after our mouths have been on each other's, or someone else's, genitalia.

We have had to make other rules, like we only sleep next to each other, only shower with each other, etc. because we were actually presented with these situations a while back (weird, right?).

[sunbuckus]

Originally Posted by EroticImaginati

We set our rules out right from the front. We really only have one rule as far as sex goes: No kissing during intercourse. Which, neither of us are fans of kissing after our mouths have been on each other's, or someone else's, genitalia.

We have had to make other rules, like we only sleep next to each other, only shower with each other, etc. because we were actually presented with these situations a while back (weird, right?).

EroticImaginati, that was interesting! Thanks for sharing. We'll have to talk about the no kissing thing after performing oral on the other couple. Those are definitely something I wouldn't have thought about.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by sunbuckus

Thanks all, for your input. Maybe I'm curious about what type of rules some couples have out there. I was thinking this morning about a situation where two couples were swapping but one male couldn't get his equipment to function correctly, thus cutting playtime short for him and the swapped female. Would it be more prudent to allow the other female and male continue to play (and the two out of commission partners would eat a sandwich in the corner...?

Does not seem an effective "rule". Consider the pressure under which your man would be working. If he fails to get a hard-on, he will be required to sit in a corner. With this planted into his head, he might never get one. Play should not have to stop when Little Oscar becomes soft.


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[funcoupledayton]

Our only rules are condoms for intercourse and permission first before separate play.

No kissing is a very difficult rule for us and I won't play again with a no kissing partner.

We've never encountered someone who wouldn't kiss after oral. I did used to feel that way a few years ago, though. Then someone said this: It doesn't really seem that logical. They were licking you, now you won't kiss them? What does that say about you? I'm a logical person so that made sense to me and I'm good with kissing someone who has gone down on me now. Guys I've been with seem fine with kissing me after I've gone down on them, even when they've come in my mouth. Honestly if someone refused to kiss me after I've swallowed their come, I'd be a little offended.

The less rules, the less likely you'll be to break them and the more comfortable you'll be.

[bbarnsworth]

Sunbuckus, WELCOME! This is a great question and one all couples new to swinging should be considering. You've received some great answers. I'd like to add on ours...

What is important to you may be very different than what is important to other couples. It's hard for us to know what rules might be worth considering for you. I've seen lots of rules noted on this forum before; no kissing, no anal, nothing that feels more intimate than sexual, same room always, only with couples not singles, where cumming is allowed or preferred (or maybe allowed at all), etc.

What I recommend, and what worked really well for us, was to read this forum a lot. When you read about a new situation you hadn't thought of before, talk it over with your spouse. See how the two of you feel about that scenario. It can generate a lot of good discussion about your comfort levels. Keep doing this. It's ok to go back over territory you've talked about before, even many times. It's all new territory, and you're learning by leaps and bounds in a short time window what you learned about regular dating over many years. If there's a question you have, feel free to ask. We're always happy to answer here.

New couples frequently have a lot of rules. That's ok. It's what helps you make sense of all of it, and give some sense of control over it so it doesn't go too far before you're ready. There's nothing wrong with that. Just be aware that what usually happens is that over time with more swing experiences those rules will tend to evaporate as your comfort level with swinging goes up.

My wife and I use to have a whole host of rules, including the no kissing rule. We dropped that after seeing a survey here about expectations of kissing in swinging, and realizing it wasn't that big of a deal. Now, the only rules we have have to do with STD prevention and our "golden parachute" rule; if either one of us wants to stop what is going on, they need only say so (and both of us are assertive enough to be comfortable doing that). We then get dressed (if need be) and make a polite exit. There's no debating, no "but...?" etc. We leave. We can discuss the situation after we leave, when we are in private with each other. Neither of us has ever invoked that rule, but it allows both of us a sense of empowerment to stop any situation we're not happy with.

[sunbuckus]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

Sunbuckus, WELCOME! This is a great question and one all couples new to swinging should be considering. You've received some great answers. I'd like to add on ours...

What is important to you may be very different than what is important to other couples. It's hard for us to know what rules might be worth considering for you. I've seen lots of rules noted on this forum before; no kissing, no anal, nothing that feels more intimate than sexual, same room always, only with couples not singles, where cumming is allowed or preferred (or maybe allowed at all), etc.

What I recommend, and what worked really well for us, was to read this forum a lot. When you read about a new situation you hadn't thought of before, talk it over with your spouse. See how the two of you feel about that scenario. It can generate a lot of good discussion about your comfort levels. Keep doing this. It's ok to go back over territory you've talked about before, even many times. It's all new territory, and you're learning by leaps and bounds in a short time window what you learned about regular dating over many years. If there's a question you have, feel free to ask. We're always happy to answer here.

New couples frequently have a lot of rules. That's ok. It's what helps you make sense of all of it, and give some sense of control over it so it doesn't go too far before you're ready. There's nothing wrong with that. Just be aware that what usually happens is that over time with more swing experiences those rules will tend to evaporate as your comfort level with swinging goes up.

My wife and I use to have a whole host of rules, including the no kissing rule. We dropped that after seeing a survey here about expectations of kissing in swinging, and realizing it wasn't that big of a deal. Now, the only rules we have have to do with STD prevention and our "golden parachute" rule; if either one of us wants to stop what is going on, they need only say so (and both of us are assertive enough to be comfortable doing that). We then get dressed (if need be) and make a polite exit. There's no debating, no "but...?" etc. We leave. We can discuss the situation after we leave, when we are in private with each other. Neither of us has ever invoked that rule, but it allows both of us a sense of empowerment to stop any situation we're not happy with.

bbarnsworth, thank you for the comment! I really like the two main "rules" that you and your wife have. Condoms are a must since I'm not taking any bc and for safety sake. And for comfort, we'll probably stick with same room only if anything goes farther than we anticipate. We're in it together and want to share the experience with each other.

I've read about other couples having a no "taking one for the team" rule. Something I've never really thought about until then. I'm not sure I could take one for the team if I'm really not attracted to the male half of the couple. Of course, what's good for the gander is good for the goose....

[Alura]

Just one comment: More than a few pregnancies have happened when a condom has broken. If you can, I'd suggest a back-up method. In my opinion, the pill is best.

While we were trying to conceive, we quit swinging.

Alura

[LFM2]

I don't have a lot to add to this.

Your rules should be customized for what works for you.

When we first started, we had many, many rules. We've pared them down to maybe just two or three, but we also know that situations arise and an old rule may come back and either one of us has the power to veto and can stop play at any time. We've customized our rules to fit each situation as it occurs.

That almost makes us sound wishy-washy, but we're not. We rarely switch-up rules. We're happy campers who are just out to have fun with a little kink rolled in.

And, I have to second Alura's post. Use as much birth control as you need. Unless your goal is to get pregnant by a play partner (with their consent, of course), you don't want to be left with a broken condom and wonder what the hell happened and who the father is.

[sunbuckus]

Originally Posted by Alura

Just one comment: More than a few pregnancies have happened when a condom has broken. If you can, I'd suggest a back-up method. In my opinion, the pill is best.

While we were trying to conceive, we quit swinging.

Alura

Alura, excellent suggestion! We might just hold off of full swapping until I'm ready to go for permanent birth control. I don't do well with pills and hormones.