Are we swinging?

[psycdr]

I am new to this forum and doing what my wife and I are doing. I am not sure if what we are doing is "swinging" or not so I am hoping for some guidance from the member. So here goes:

One of my many fantasies has been for my wife to be with another man, we have talked about it for the last several yeas and recently we decided to test the waters. She had met someone at work that she was attracted to and we agreed on some ground rules, one of them being total honesty and disclosure. There are more rules, but I will not bore you with them.

One of my wifes rules right from the beginning was that she did not think she could just "F" someone for the sake of it, but she would have to have some romance, essentially she liked the flirting and such. I totally understand that some women need to have an emotional connection and I am cool with that. We have a very strong and loving marriage so I have no concerns (there is a reason I am giving you all of this info which will hopefully make itself clear in a moment). She has told me that she also does not want to have multiple "boy friends", she would prefer to have a ongoing relationship with one person (male or female). When she finds someone new she would break it off with the current person. She has also stated she just can not have sex with a random male.

The upside for me is that I get so stimulated over her being with another man which has made our sex life incredible. When she comes home from one of her dates I want to know the details of her encounter. In some cases she is telling me what these men are doing to her while we are being intimate ourselves and it gets me incredibly horny, My wife wants me to look for another female, but I am really not interested (I suspect if I really looked I could find someone I would be interested in).

So my questions:

is this lifestyle swinging?

Are there any other members that are in a similar situation?

Any other advise would be appreciated.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Just so I understand the question, Mr. psycdr, the beginning part of your message implies that your fantasy of having your wife fucking another man is not yet fulfilled and the later part of your message says that she has been coming home for years to tell you stories about her sexual encounters, those presumably being with men. Please elaborate.

Whatever the nature for your question, I believe you have come to the right place to ask questions. Hope you find the Swingersboard to be helpful and informative.

~Michael

[it'sso]

If she is "coming home after having sex with other men and telling you about it" and it's true, then at least ONE of you are swinging.
MOO

[cplnuswing]

I'm a little confused too on exactly what has transpired to this point.

I'm not one who really thinks labels are all that important and I don't like to play the who is, or who isn't, a swinger game since everybody has their own definition and arguing about who's is right is pointless. But, since you asked, then yes I think that lifestyle fits into the broad definition of swinging. There seems to be a cuckold element involved, but it also sounds like your wife anyway may be toying with the idea of some sort of poly relationship.

My question is it important to you that it can be considered swinging, and is therefore "ok", or are you in fact a little uncomfortable with some aspects of what is going on?

The final bit of advice is swinging with coworker = bad idea

[Coupleerotic22]

There is not a single definition of swinging, or some criteria to be meet to consider something swinging. And I don't really think it matters what you call it. If you are both having fun and remaining honest with each other and it all works for you, does it really matter if it fits other peoples definition of swinging?

That said, I would think what your doing would be considered swinging, it may not be the way most people swing, but surely some swing that way. We each have our own kinks and ways of doing things, so as long as it works for the two of you (and your partners) then go for it.

[naughtyus74]

I dono... if I HAD to put a label on it, it sounds like hotwife/cuckold type of thing to me... but fuck, I hate labels like that because maybe it might strike you as negative... maybe not... IMHO, who cares what you call it as long as you and your partner are happy, healthy, and enjoying each other and your lifestyle

[Cajun2Step]

Originally Posted by cplnuswing

I'm a little confused too on exactly what has transpired to this point.

I'm not one who really thinks labels are all that important and I don't like to play the who is, or who isn't, a swinger game since everybody has their own definition and arguing about who's is right is pointless. But, since you asked, then yes I think that lifestyle fits into the broad definition of swinging. There seems to be a cuckold element involved, but it also sounds like your wife anyway may be toying with the idea of some sort of poly relationship.

My question is it important to you that it can be considered swinging, and is therefore "ok", or are you in fact a little uncomfortable with some aspects of what is going on?

The final bit of advice is swinging with coworker = bad idea

Read this post well and most importantly read the final bit of advice. It is not a good idea to mix swinging and work. Have seen several times that it caused problems.

[psycdr]

Let me start out by apologizing for any typos or spelling errors I am responding from my phone.

First let me address what has happened thus far: about five years ago my wife and I started talking about a fantacy I had where she would get pleasured by another male. She had tried to connect with an old boyfried, but could not follow at the last minute. She felt it would reopen some old feelings. Over the following years we contined to discuss it and what the rules would be. Then about 2 weeks ago my wife mentioned there was someone she worked with that she would be willing to take it to the next step. We discussed the ground rules and she said she needed to do it in baby steps. It started out with light petting on the first date, then oral sex, then on this last Friday she took it to the final step. This all transpired over a 2 week period (from the first date tolast Friday). The sex my wife and I have experienced in the last few weeks has been increadable. For me its as if my sexual energy has been infused with superfuel.

My wife has only been with this one guy. She has a desire to be with a female on her own, with me watching, and wkith me participating.

Right now my wife and I are trying to get through our shyness, we so want to share our experience with our friends, but we know they would never understand it.

And for the record I would very much be interested in being with another female, but right now we are just enjoying what we recently discovered.

There are so many questions we have and really no one to talk to about it.

to answer another comment, I am looking for a label because it will he'll me research and understand all of this. I am a clinical psychologist and my wife is a clinical social worker. We are both trying to underfstand all of this so we can meet others with the same needs, if that makes any sense.

[bbarnsworth]

cplnuswing and Cajun2Step are spot on with their advice about coworkers. Unfortunately, it's already happened between your lovely wife and her coworker.

It's a bad idea to mix swinging and coworkers. There are PLENTY of single men in the lifestyle. It can be a trick to find really good ones that you want to keep around for a while (as you seem to suggest you and your wife are trying to do), but they are out there. My wife and I are looking for the same thing, and recently posted about it. We've heard from two couples posting here where the wives in their couples have been having sex with the same play partners for many years. It's certainly quite possible. There's no need to mix in a coworker to get what you want.

Now that it has happened though, I do hope it works out for you. If there's an opportunity to quietly end it though, I'd take it and move on.

Originally Posted by psycdr

to answer another comment, I am looking for a label because it will he'll me research and understand all of this. I am a clinical psychologist and my wife is a clinical social worker. We are both trying to underfstand all of this so we can meet others with the same needs, if that makes any sense.

Some might call it cuckolding. It depends on what one thinks cuckolding is. To some, cuckolding is the wife getting to have sex with whomever she wants whenever she wants, and the husband has no say in the matter. Further, he is humiliated by the experience. This isn't what my wife and I are looking for.

Some might call what you are looking for a polyamorous v-triad; you love your wife, she loves you, and she loves another. You've indicated your wife wishes to have some form of emotional bond with the person she has sex with. So, this definition might be more along the lines of what you're looking for.

Some might call it an open marriage. Some might call it swinging. There's a zillion possible definitions for what you are looking for.

Regardless, what you are looking for is well within the realm of what the people here have to offer in the form of answers to questions. You're already in the right place. So, ask away! We're happy to help, and there's plenty of people here who will give excellent advice.

[psycdr]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

cplnuswing and Cajun2Step are spot on with their advice about coworkers. Unfortunately, it's already happened between your lovely wife and her coworker.

It's a bad idea to mix swinging and coworkers. There are PLENTY of single men in the lifestyle. It can be a trick to find really good ones that you want to keep around for a while (as you seem to suggest you and your wife are trying to do), but they are out there. My wife and I are looking for the same thing, and recently posted about it. We've heard from two couples posting here where the wives in their couples have been having sex with the same play partners for many years. It's certainly quite possible. There's no need to mix in a coworker to get what you want.

Now that it has happened though, I do hope it works out for you. If there's an opportunity to quietly end it though, I'd take it and move on.

Well like you said we are already into it. The reason this was so appealing to my wife was that it was someone she knew and trusted. Going through a service or club seemed overwhelming to us being this was our first try at the lifestyle.

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

Some might call it cuckolding. It depends on what one thinks cuckolding is. To some, cuckolding is the wife getting to have sex with whomever she wants whenever she wants, and the husband has no say in the matter. Further, he is humiliated by the experience. This isn't what my wife and I are looking for.

I thought this as well, but like you and your wife, this is NOT what we want. I am not into the humilation, nor does my wife want to be pleasured by many men, she does like to know the person before moving to the physical part. Finally, I can always say NO and that was agreed upon by both of us before we even began experimenting.

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

Some might call what you are looking for a polyamorous v-triad; you love your wife, she loves you, and she loves another. You've indicated your wife wishes to have some form of emotional bond with the person she has sex with. So, this definition might be more along the lines of what you're looking for.

I looked at this as well, but my wife does not "love" the other person, she just wants to be friends and get to know them before being physical. There is no dating (i.e. going on a trip together). They may go to a bar, but that would most likely be it. My wife made a very insightful comment, she said "I like this because I can be the user and not the used one". What she was essentially saying was that, before she met me and we got married, whenever she dated there was always that fear of breaking up or not working out or being cheated on. Essentially what most people feel when dating with the expectation of the longer commitment (marriage in our case). In what we are doing now, none of tha baggage is there, so now she can enjoy the physical pleasure without caring if the guy says "I dont want to see you again"

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

Some might call it an open marriage. Some might call it swinging. There's a zillion possible definitions for what you are looking for.

Regardless, what you are looking for is well within the realm of what the people here have to offer in the form of answers to questions. You're already in the right place. So, ask away! We're happy to help, and there's plenty of people here who will give excellent advice.

Thank you all for your insight and comments. I have may more questions as does my wife. This is a journey that we are starting on and want to make the right decisions as we go.

We are enjoying the moment and hope there will be more to come...

I do have more questions which I will ask later on..

[sweet_tna]

First of all, welcome aboard! As you can see, there isn't really a clear definition of what a swinger is, because there are so many different approaches to the lifestyle. And as such, most of us eschew labels.

That said, here's what I've gotten from your posts here:

1) You and your wife are exploring her fantasies of you seeing her with another man. This is a very common fantasy, and why many people begin to explore the lifestyle.

2) Your wife needs more than just a base physical attraction to anyone she has sex with. Again, this is also common, as many couples prefer to make friends with potential playmates before actually having sex with them. I'm gonna' have to agree with my fellow board members here on the sex with coworkers being a bad idea. But as long as it's working for you, enjoy it.

3) You love each other and are communicating your thoughts and feelings to each other about all of this. Wonderful! This is oh so important for couples in the lifestyle.

4) Your wife has expressed interest in sex with other women, both alone and with you watching, and possibly participating. This too, is typical for couples exploring the lifestyle. It's like being a kid in a candy store. Once you've tried the lemon drops, you start wondering what the salt water taffy and chocolate bars might taste like.

5) Sex between you and your wife has heated up considerably, as you explore your fantasies and talk about her/your experiences. Yet again, this is par for the course, and a good sign for ya'll.

6) You chose a website called Swingers Board on which to post your experiences and questions. Interesting choice there, Doctor.

After careful observation, I have a diagnosis. Ya'll are swingers, at least in my book. Best of luck to ya'll, and feel free to keep those questions coming.

=)

[mikeandjenn2001]

Originally Posted by Coupleerotic22

There is not a single definition of swinging, or some criteria to be meet to consider something swinging. And I don't really think it matters what you call it. If you are both having fun and remaining honest with each other and it all works for you, does it really matter if it fits other peoples definition of swinging?

That said, I would think what your doing would be considered swinging, it may not be the way most people swing, but surely some swing that way. We each have our own kinks and ways of doing things, so as long as it works for the two of you (and your partners) then go for it.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Call it swinging if you want, or don't...as long as it works for you two is all that should matter.

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board, psycdr.

Although I cant say you are "swinging", I can say some alternatives in your relationship are certainly at hand now.

My questions, given the circumstances at this point.....

Does this new playmate know with total disclosure, about what is transpiring, sexually ?

What is your opinion of this mans character ?

fun4ds

[psycdr]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Welcome to the Swingers Board, psycdr.

Does this new playmate know with total disclosure, about what is transpiring, sexually ?

Yes most certainly he knows, my wife has made it very clear to him on several occasions what this is about and that it is not going anywhere from a "relationship" perspective. He even knows that this is a fantacy of mine. One of our rules was full disclosure to the partner so no one felt used or misled

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

What is your opinion of this mans character ?

I can not say as I have not personally met him. My wife trusts him and and has a high regard for him and really thats all I need to know.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by psycdr

Going through a service or club seemed overwhelming to us being this was our first try at the lifestyle.

It can be overwhelming. Filtering through all the single males can be a daunting task. I know. I've spent hours pre-filtering single males for my wife. She's always in the loop of course, and we're agreed on base criteria. From there, there's meet and greets with people you've never met before. You try to develop a connection, a chemistry. It just takes a lot of time and effort to find the right one(s). Sometimes it can get quite frustrating; all this work, and seemingly limited progress. It is worth it though, in our opinion.

Originally Posted by psycdr

She does like to know the person before moving to the physical part. ... I looked at this as well, but my wife does not "love" the other person, she just wants to be friends and get to know them before being physical.

This is very common in the lifestyle. There are some swingers that are happy to jump into a pile of naked bodies and let whomever do whatever. There are some swingers that prefer to spend a considerable amount of time developing a pretty good friendship before moving on to more physical play. The vast majority of swingers are somewhere between those extremes. Your wife sounds like she's between those extremes. Par for the course.

Originally Posted by psycdr

Essentially what most people feel when dating with the expectation of the longer commitment (marriage in our case). In what we are doing now, none of tha baggage is there, so now she can enjoy the physical pleasure without caring if the guy says "I dont want to see you again"

Interesting observation, and one I've never seen put to words here before. Excellent!

Originally Posted by psycdr

I do have more questions which I will ask later on..

Ask away! We're happy to help.

By the way, Dr. Sweet is right; you're swingers. Treatment; lots of sex

Reading everything you posted, I don't see many any real problems jumping out at me except the co-worker part. The co-worker part alarms me, and would be a complete non-starter for my wife and I.

I understand the motivation in the co-worker. It's comfortable territory. The person's a known quantity to a degree, and there's already a familiarity with them. But, there's huge risks involved that completely upset the comfort cart for us. What happens if this relationship goes sour? What impact will it have on your wife's job? Her ability to get other work in the same field if she has to leave the job? What is the effect on your financial situation if she is suddenly terminated? There's a lot of variables there with co-workers that just make them very dangerous to play with. Control and power over the situation does not rest solely with you. With non co-workers, you can sever the relationship at any point almost always without repercussions. That is a comfort. Just food for thought for you.

As for trusting your wife's perception of this fellow; that's great, and I see no reason to not trust her opinion of him. That said, if she continues to play with him I think it would be a very good idea for all three of you to meet together. Often. This guy is not a swinger. Keep that in mind. Single swinging males generally understand the 'rules' as it were before getting really involved in the lifestyle. A vanilla (non-swinger) guy may not. To him, he's getting some fun sex with a beautiful lady...not swinging. There's a massive difference there and that can lead to big problems down the road. Even though your wife has explained to him just what the score is, meeting him in person may help to make it crystal clear. I've seen reports of some single guys getting into a situation like that, thinking to themselves that the husband must be some idiotic fool who can't satisfy his wife's sexual needs, and starts working on some way to get her to leave him. Worst case scenario may be, but it happens. Too often.

Another aspect to this in regards to the future; As I mentioned earlier, my wife and I are looking for a long term play partner for her. This would be someone she can have sex with as often as she likes (and he's available), and we imagine often playing solo with him. It can be very difficult (we think especially for a woman, just observation with no sexism intended) to have sex with someone many, many times without beginning to develop some sense of love for that person. We have no problem with that. If she loves her play partner, that's fine. If he loves her, that's fine too. Where we draw the line is in any form of love that smacks of possessiveness, romantic intentions, desires for exclusivity, etc. A friend is a person whom you love. It's not the love of a romantic relationship, but it's love. You should probably discuss this with your wife, and see how you both feel about the natural development of feelings.