Are we swinging?

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by psycdr

Yes that was my thinking.. Is there a chance that this might occur?

Chance? Yes. Likely? Hmmm. Not sure about that. All you can do is try. If you don't try, it's a guaranteed no (good rule in life in general)

[snapps]

I'm gonna continue to play devils advocate in this thread... I still think you are continuing to play with fire allowing her to do this with a man at her job, and also a man you have never met.... I'm just sayin... Good luck though...

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by snapps

Furthermore, if this was something you absoluetly had to allow or do... Then I just think it would've been a good idea to actually have met him before it all transpired... In person that is, if just to at least shake his hand and to let him indeed know that you are on board with the situation, and for him to know without a doubt that there is a line that cannot be crossed!... You should have at least done that before anything transpired between him and your wife at her job...

That you haven't met this man, or even spoken to him, is my biggest concern.

Don't be surprised, after you and he do meet, that the relationship between your wife and him changes. He may not find the sexual attraction for your wife as great after meeting you.

When a man starts a sexual relationship with a woman, without first having discussed this arrangement openly with the husband, a man may still have a fantasy going on in his mind that he is having an affair, that he is meeting your wife without your knowledge, that your wife is cheating on you and finds him more desirable than you. That fantasy can be very powerful and intoxicating. It can make the sex hotter, the "taken" woman more desirable. Especially if the man is not a swinger.

This phenomenon has nothing to do with how much he believes what your wife tells him, it has to do with what he may be imagining in his mind. Your wife says she wants to "use" him. His use of her may be this cheating fantasy in his mind.

You and your wife may see this as exciting, and decide you'll never meet him, because after you do it may change the dynamics of the present arrangement.

My point in bringing this up, is that you have already gone beyond the moment that most of us, as swinging couples, address up front before any solo dating or sex begins. As a couple, we first both meet (or talk to) the new man who is going to be having sex with me.

LM

[snapps]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

That you haven't met this man, or even spoken to him, is my biggest concern.

Don't be surprised, after you and he do meet, that the relationship between your wife and him changes. He may not find the sexual attraction for your wife as great after meeting you.

When a man starts a sexual relationship with a woman, without first having discussed this arrangement openly with the husband, a man may still have a fantasy going on in his mind that he is having an affair, that he is meeting your wife without your knowledge, that your wife is cheating on you and finds him more desirable than you. That fantasy can be very powerful and intoxicating. It can make the sex hotter, the "taken" woman more desirable. Especially if the man is not a swinger.

This phenomenon has nothing to do with how much he believes what your wife tells him, it has to do with what he may be imagining in his mind. Your wife says she wants to "use" him. His use of her may be this cheating fantasy in his mind.

You and your wife may see this as exciting, and decide you'll never meet him, because after you do it may change the dynamics of the present arrangement.

My point in bringing this up, is that you have already gone beyond the moment that most of us, as swinging couples, address up front before any solo dating or sex begins. As a couple, we first both meet (or talk to) the new man who is going to be having sex with me.

LM

I agree with everything Likeminds stated here... Meeting with this guy now is more or less worthless and can only make things take a drastic turn or bring things/thoughts to the forefront very quickly, if you are ok with the way things are now without ever meeting with him, well then I supposed all you can/should do now is ride the wave... In reality you meeting with him now is going to be like you being a Third wheel, and all its going to do is make you look small or might even irritate the guy... You really have no say in their relationship... It's kind of like you have a "cuckold" type thing going on to be honest.... Are you seeking a MFM or something? Or maybe MMF?... Whatever the case, I don’t think this guy is going to go for it or be ok with it, seeing as his relationship is with your wife, not with you….

You really should have met him before all of this started, this is why I still feel like you are/were playing with fire when I first read this thread... I understand you said you trusted your wife, and I'm sure that's fine and I am not doubting you on this... But again... you REALLY DO NOT Know what's going on!!!.... I'm just saying.... And furthermore, and to get back to this thread's topic.... NO! This is NOT swinging... This is you simply giving your wife permission to, well to put it bluntly, to fuck someone at her job..... or better yet, to cheat on you, but with permission.... My only hope is that it remains just a "fuck" and doesn’t turn into something else seeing as you admitted to her having an emotional connection with this guy, this is very serious bro... Trust me........

Again, you don’t even know the guy.... Seriously, this is just bad in my opinion... but again, I wish ya’ll the best of luck.... Seeing as you claimed she now has an emotional attachment with this guy... How do you think he is feeling about her?... Be careful bro... And again, good luck!...

[psycdr]

I would like to thank everyone for your responses. Just as a status update, we have decided to proceed with me meeting her boy-toy. She has spoken to him and he is open to the idea, at this point it is just a matter of timing. My wife still plays with him and we still have very hot sex, we have also started talking about what will be the next step in our sexual evolution.

Right now we are just riding the wave and it is very very good. Whenever she meets her boy-toy she checks in with him on his emotional status and reinforces that he is just a "F-toy" to her. He has accepeted this and continues to verify the rules and asks for confirmation that he has not crossed the line.

Ultimately I trust my wife and as I have stated before, if this blows up in my face then there was something else wrong with our marriage completely unrelated to swinging.

I will continue to provide updates as will my wife (JoviChick)...

FYI, we recently joined "Swing Life Style" and look forward to seeing where that takes us. JoviChick also wants to go to a club and do the Voyer thing..its a hot button for her in a very good way, and then jump me afterwords (at the club).

[ALilOEverything]

I remember several years ago I did the boy-toy thing. It was a lot of fun. He was a co-worker of mine too but we worked together A LOT. My husband at the time had finally met him after a few weeks. It was really awkward at first but they both did really well. It lasted about 5 months and then my new found friend found a regular girlfriend. I still see him day at work and we treat each other like nothing ever happened. Looking back I'm really lucky it worked out well because I can see so many ways it might not have.

[snapps]

Any updates to this?

[snapps]

mm... still no updates huh... well... hope all is going well

[jovichick]

Sorry for no updates, just super busy. We are doing well. Psydoc has had an encounter, which was very exciting for me, it was a one time hook-up. My husband and I have had many late night talks, worked through some bumps, nothing major, just leads to more honesty and closenes I still have the boy toy which I see once a week. So far it has been a great time. The boy toy continues to be respectful of all the rule. No lines have been crossed. Feelings are in check. I feel very in control of the siuation. Looking forward to the next step.

[snapps]

Originally Posted by jovichick

Sorry for no updates, just super busy. We are doing well. Psydoc has had an encounter, which was very exciting for me, it was a one time hook-up. My husband and I have had many late night talks, worked through some bumps, nothing major, just leads to more honesty and closenes I still have the boy toy which I see once a week. So far it has been a great time. The boy toy continues to be respectful of all the rule. No lines have been crossed. Feelings are in check. I feel very in control of the siuation. Looking forward to the next step.

Well thats good. Thanks for the update. Continue to keep the communication going, and i hope everything continues to work for you guys.... Good luck.

[JM153]

I just came across this thread and wanted to comment about something that Doc mentioned early on. That is the desire to talk with friends. This board can provide an outlet for that desire, but is handicapped in acting as a sounding board. It is too impersonal to be a real substitute. Yet, if your friends are like mine I do not want to disclose my activities and run the risk of ruining a friendship. In light of your profession you have probably already thought of the clinical sex counselor as a sounding board. But for others that may read this a good sex therapist is not going to be judgmental and can help sort through your feelings. Good luck in your new found sexual freedom.

[snapps]

Hope everything is still going well with this...

[Chicup]

I always nervous for open marriage style couples and find they often abruptly seem to disappear here, which while not proof doesn't help me feel better for their future.

I think the problem lies not when everything is going well, but when things are going badly. I've been with my wife for 20 years now, and while its been 99% good, that 1% would have been perhaps fatal if one of us had someone elses arms to fall into in a rough part.

So I wish you the best in this, but I've personally known people who were 'in control' with their relationships and then it all came crashing down. Some are still married, some are not, all were hurt.

I don't expect anyone to stop what they are doing in this, I feel like a Swingers Cassandra.

[psycdr]

Hello everyone,

It is still going well, we have had some bumps in the road that we had to work through but what is important is that we worked through it and it made us closer. Jovichick is still hooking up with her boy toy once a week and very recently had an encounter with him that was very "teen-age" as far as the sex is concerned. I am still very turned on by all of this and I am actively looking for a female toy, which I doubt I will ever find.

We continue discuss next steps in our journey and we are looking into visiting a swingers club in the Chicago area to do some "watching" and then we can see where it will go from there if anywhere.

One other question we keep going back to, which was the initial question for this thread, are we really swinging and is it worthwhile to be visiting this site as we are not swinging as I understand it.

Another upside is I have become very self concious on my physical appearance and went on a diet and I have lost close to 20 pounds.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by psycdr

Hello everyone,

It is still going well, we have had some bumps in the road that we had to work through but what is important is that we worked through it and it made us closer. Jovichick is still hooking up with her boy toy once a week and very recently had an encounter with him that was very "teen-age" as far as the sex is concerned. I am still very turned on by all of this and I am actively looking for a female toy, which I doubt I will ever find.

*sigh*
Ever since that fault I could persuade no one of aught.

We continue discuss next steps in our journey and we are looking into visiting a swingers club in the Chicago area to do some "watching" and then we can see where it will go from there if anywhere.

One other question we keep going back to, which was the initial question for this thread, are we really swinging and is it worthwhile to be visiting this site as we are not swinging as I understand it.

Are you swinging, not by most peoples definition I think. This would be open marriage territory or cuckholding. That doesn't mean you won't find value here, not everyone here is strictly a swinger or has no experience in what you are talking about.

Another upside is I have become very self concious on my physical appearance and went on a diet and I have lost close to 20 pounds.

Thats pretty common in swinging too, and it is a helpful motivator.