Finding a long term "boyfriend" for the wife of your couple

[bbarnsworth]

this post and a couple of follow ups (one by me) got me wondering how other couples have worked this out.

I've seen in different threads here a variety of couples that have and have not had success in finding a regular "boyfriend" for the wife of their couple. Such a person being a long term play partner for the wife, whether it be all MFMs, all solo, or a mix.

For those couples that have had success finding such a person, how did you do it? Any suggestions on how to keep them around over the long term?

My wife and I sometimes refer to this as trying to find a reverse unicorn; a good looking, intelligent, gentlemanly man who is good in bed, reasonably endowed or better, single, and available a fair bit. Such a man would certainly be well capable of finding a person to marry, so them being single over the long(ish) term seems very rare at best.

My wife did find one man whom she enjoyed very much, and was always looking forward to having sex with him again. Then he went and got himself married.

It's been a frustrating experience for us. It's something we've been trying to find for quite a long time now, with little success. We're not looking for commitment from a particular guy or anything like that, no requirements of monogamy upon him or any other shackles. Just somebody for my wife to play with from time to time, and someone whom she can play with for a long time to come.

Thoughts?

[PB&J]

I've got a blog entry on this very topic... and when someone finds the answer, please let us in on the secret!

[magnum]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

this post and a couple of follow ups (one by me) got me wondering how other couples have worked this out.

I've seen in different threads here a variety of couples that have and have not had success in finding a regular "boyfriend" for the wife of their couple. Such a person being a long term play partner for the wife, whether it be all MFMs, all solo, or a mix.

For those couples that have had success finding such a person, how did you do it? Any suggestions on how to keep them around over the long term?

My wife and I sometimes refer to this as trying to find a reverse unicorn; a good looking, intelligent, gentlemanly man who is good in bed, reasonably endowed or better, single, and available a fair bit. Such a man would certainly be well capable of finding a person to marry, so them being single over the long(ish) term seems very rare at best.

My wife did find one man whom she enjoyed very much, and was always looking forward to having sex with him again. Then he went and got himself married.

It's been a frustrating experience for us. It's something we've been trying to find for quite a long time now, with little success. We're not looking for commitment from a particular guy or anything like that, no requirements of monogamy upon him or any other shackles. Just somebody for my wife to play with from time to time, and someone whom she can play with for a long time to come.

Thoughts?

I would say luck...I have been playing with a couple for a few years now. I would not say I am her BF, but I have been the only guy that they play with recently. We always play together, no one-on-one play dates. They have and did hook up with other guy's from time to time. For what ever reason, I have been around the longest. The husband is a friend form College, maybe that is why. Currently, I am single, that could be the other reason. When I had a GF that was not in the LS, I did not play with them or anyone for the year we were together.

Not sure there is a deffinant answer for you.

[wisconsin]

Good question and I had almost the same question to this board a year ago. We started playing with one man and he appeared to be what we wanted chemistry wise.It took me a whole year to make him the way I want him to be now.I play one-on-one with him. At first he would not respond to texts or would respond occasionally and only on his schedulle.I couldn't figure him out but was persistent and the same time patient.Only God knows how many times I wanted to bite his stupid head off,I only snapped once at him and there was a very good reason. He behaved like a jerk a good portion of the year.I still was persistent,always offerred an A game everytime we would meet. It took him a while to change and only after a year he plays my rules.He textes back in a reasonable time,always accomodates to my requests,and even invited me to meet his friend.Still I am very cautious what I offer and every time try to make sure I don't cross his boundaries.I let him think that he is in charge and probably that what he needed.It was a lot psych.work and everytime it's still a challenge even for this type of relationship as NSA stuff.People are complicated.Sign.

[ALilOEverything]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

My wife did find one man whom she enjoyed very much, and was always looking forward to having sex with him again. Then he went and got himself married.

How was this one found?

[The Fuse]

bbarnsworth,

Why not look for a married guy whose wife is also in the lifestyle? Usually the wives are getting the offers. It would be nice for their husbands to get a few. I would love it if Mr. Fuse had an arrangement like this with a couple. Then I might be able to take a few more of the offers I get that I'd like to take.

wisconsin,

It sounds like although you say that relationship is "NSA", there are in fact strings attached. He has to act at least somewhat like a boyfriend to you to make you happy. Once you start making requests and demands, especially in a continuing relationship, those are "strings" in my opinion. Meaning, you tug on the string and he has to react.

[wisconsin]

THE FUSE
Well,I think he has to a react just like horny busy man who enjoys his playmate once in a month,that's all.People do arrangments even in LS and if they make themselves unavailable all the time somebody takes their spot and they know it. With longterm relationship comes friendship and it has nothing to do with any type of strings.Just two people enjoying each others company in bed.

[PB&J]

Originally Posted by wisconsin

He behaved like a jerk a good portion of the year.I still was persistent,always offerred an A game everytime we would meet.

Putting up with a jerk wouldn't be my idea of a good time, no matter how good the sex was. This sounds like games-playing to me and not what I would be looking for in any sort of relationship.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by wisconsin

THE FUSE
Well,I think he has to a react just like horny busy man who enjoys his playmate once in a month,that's all.People do arrangments even in LS and if they make themselves unavailable all the time somebody takes their spot and they know it. With longterm relationship comes friendship and it has nothing to do with any type of strings.Just two people enjoying each others company in bed.

I am really having trouble figuring out what you are trying to say. "he has to a react" could mean "he has to react" or "he does react".

Regardless, if it's "just two people enjoying each other's company in bed" then if you are requiring him to respond to you like a "friend in a long term relationship" in between, then you are pulling strings in my opinion. Personally I don't think that's a lot to ask, I'm just saying you are in fact asking for something. If someone else takes his spot I guess that's how it is.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by wisconsin

THE FUSE
Well,I think he has to a react just like horny busy man who enjoys his playmate once in a month,that's all.People do arrangments even in LS and if they make themselves unavailable all the time somebody takes their spot and they know it. With longterm relationship comes friendship and it has nothing to do with any type of strings.Just two people enjoying each others company in bed.

I'm curious What would your definition of "Strings attached" be ?


fun4ds

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by ALilOEverything

How was this one found?

Pure luck. If I knew a way to make it happen, I'd bottle it up and market it to this board

Originally Posted by The Fuse

bbarnsworth,

Why not look for a married guy whose wife is also in the lifestyle? Usually the wives are getting the offers. It would be nice for their husbands to get a few. I would love it if Mr. Fuse had an arrangement like this with a couple. Then I might be able to take a few more of the offers I get that I'd like to take.

Great suggestion! Wished you lived closer

[TNT]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

I've seen in different threads here a variety of couples that have and have not had success in finding a regular "boyfriend" for the wife of their couple. Such a person being a long term play partner for the wife, whether it be all MFMs, all solo, or a mix.

For those couples that have had success finding such a person, how did you do it? Any suggestions on how to keep them around over the long term?

I suppose Ted and I would be considered a success at this...we've got a friend that we've been playing with on a regular basis for over eight years now.

I've often read on here the problems others have with finding a good single man to play with and honestly it's something I really don't understand. I don't know what it is that we do differently than other couples, but we've never had a problem with finding a good single playmate when we wanted one. I'm not sure I can offer any advice other than telling you what we do...maybe it will help, maybe not.

I do believe that one thing we do differently than other couples is that we don't look down on single men and we don't treat them like pariahs when we're in a group setting (a club/social/house party), and when we're contacted by them from an ad site, we don't just blow them off...whether they're someone we're interested in playing with or not.

When looking for a new playmate we go to where single men are allowed...If we are headed to a club/social, we look for one that allows single men...house parties are the same.

Our favorite house party is ran by a single male and it's stated and understood by all who attend that single men will be there and are welcome...when we co-host a house party, the same is stated to those we invite. Over the years, we've managed to find a lot of couples who enjoy single men, so the parties have a good mix of couples, single men and single ladies.

We don't make demands on single men, nor do we try to change them. We understand they have lives of their own and their time is just as valuable as ours. We talk and listen to them, showing them the same respect we want them to show us. We don't look for perfection...it doesn't exist, so why look for it?

If looking on an ad site for a single male, we read their ad, contact them if we're interested and ask if they might be interested in us...we don't ever expect that just because they are single they are automatically going to be interested in us because we're a couple who plays with single men. If we're contacted by them and they write a nice "hello" e-mail, we respond and if the exchange is good, we find a time that is good for all to meet. We don't get upset with the jerks that contact us (yes, there are jerks out there), we just answer with a polite "no thanks" and move on.

As far as keeping one around for the long-term...that just happens the same as keeping a couple around for the long-term...compatibility is there, we all have a good time and a friendship just develops.


Teresa