Would you rather be thought of as a cheater, or known as a swinger?

[Newpants]

A little while back we went out with a few other couples to a vanilla club and things got a little loose and there was some making out and groping between the couples. We all got a grip on ourselves and nothing too out of control happened and nothing ever came of it.

On the way home my wife and I were talking about what had happened and what some of the ramifications could be if someone we knew had been at the bar and saw one of us making out with someone not our spouse.

The question we posed to each other was if only one of us got caught making out, would we rather that person thought I/she was an adulterer or would we rather fess up that we are swingers and it was OK.

A big part of me would rather stick hot knitting needles in my eyes that be thought of as a cheater but the more I think about the more I am not so sure. A few recent threads have got me thinking about that again. In many ways it seems that cheating and adultry are more condoned and accepted than swinging. I would still rather be known as a swinger than thought of as a cheater but I bet there are some that would think otherwise.

(I need to add, we are not "out" with our friends, neighbors, coworkers and family etc and never will be)

What are your thoughts? If you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar, would you rather wrongly be thought of as a cheater or would you rather fess up and be known as a swinger?

And also, do you think most of the people that you ACTUALLY KNOW PERSONALLY would be more accepting of you knowing that you are a swinger or thinking that you are a cheater?

What are your thoughts and why?

[Coupleerotic22]

Tough question.

If I were caught I would rather be know as a cheater, rather than my wife be know as a swinger. It would be really tough on her if her family found out she was a swinger. If I were labeled as a cheater then it would not be as rough on her. But knowing her, she wouldn't let me do that.

If she were caught, I am not sure. Frankly it would be which ever was easiest for her to deal with.

All that said, we are becoming more and more comfortable as swingers and there are only a handful of people whose opinion on that would matter to me. I think it might be easier for my family (i.e. kids) and my business if labeled a cheater. NO one seems to care about that. How others see me personally, I don't care so much. How other see/treat my family or how it would impact them financially is what would be the deciding factor. So I would guess I would take the cheater tag since swinger tag would have a negative impact on them more so than if I was labeled a cheater.

[PB&J]

If I was known to be a swinger, I would be fired. No question about it. On the other hand, there are many known cheaters in my profession and they don't get fired. Easy choice for me.

[piglet6870]

I would have to say that I would rather be outed as swinger than be known as a cheater. At least as a swinger, the outsider would know that your better half knows about what is going on. But if you were known as a cheater, they would automatically assume that you were doing something underhanded and that your other half is not aware of your activities.

[Botcpl]

In my world, being a cheater would be a lot easier to deal with. Not that it is right, but that is how it is. The rumor mill would continue to ramp up, but if known as a swinger, it would ramp up into overdrive and then who knows the stories that would be made up.

We're not swinging (looked into it, she's not comfortable with it) and we're not cheaters, but even a simple conversation can get me (usually) in trouble. Not with my wife, but with others. I tell her about every conversation, every day sail, etc. It sometimes gets to the point where I don't even want to go to the YC to talk to friends.

Had a friend who came to the YC when we had a band playing. I was joking with her and another friend. At one point, she was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't understand it. I put my arm around her waist and leaned in so she could talk into my ear. Two days later, my wife gets a call from someone in the YC telling her I am getting too "close" to my friend (who I've known for five years.

The other day I was told I was "dating" someone I haven't seen for months and when I did see her it was at the YC and it was, "Hi, haven't seen you for quite a while. How have you been?"

So what do you think would happen if we were swinging?

It is a bit of a rant, but I hope you get my drift.

[sweet_tna]

I personally would prefer the truth and be known as a swinger. I'm not the least bit ashamed of anything I've done. My hubby, on the other hand, could have issues at work if the truth got out. He'd actually (sadly) be better off being thought of as a cheater.

[AZCouple]

Wow. Talk about irony. The whole basis of Swinging is honesty. Now the question is, does that basis carry over to vanilla friends? I guess it would depend on who saw us. For the most part I am a "Here it is, so deal with it." kind of a person so I would probably tell the truth.

[obgynluke]

Originally Posted by PB&J

If I was known to be a swinger, I would be fired. No question about it. On the other hand, there are many known cheaters in my profession and they don't get fired. Easy choice for me.

Jesus, what kind of job do you have?! Sucks to be you.

[Newpants]

Thanks for your comments and feedback. I was suspecting that some of the answers would point to rather being thought of as a cheater when you really aren't, but that just seems so wrong on so many levels

[two4youinswva]

Yeah, kind of sucks when you have to pretend to be something you're not, just to get by.

[Coupleerotic22]

When it comes to protecting my children, wrong gets a bit more relative.

If I would jump in front of a moving car to push them out of the way, knowing I would be hit, in order to protect them, why wouldn't I take the heat for being known as something I am not, rather than them take the heat for being known as something I am.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by Coupleerotic22

When it comes to protecting my children, wrong gets a bit more relative.

If I would jump in front of a moving car to push them out of the way, knowing I would be hit, in order to protect them, why wouldn't I take the heat for being known as something I am not, rather than them take the heat for being known as something I am.

Oh I get it. I understand where people are coming from and I am not bashing anyone or their answers.

I just think it is sad in that IMHO adultry is wrong and destructive and causes pain and turmoil to everyone involved, but society has such a negative view of swinging (which IMHO is usually benificial if done the right way for the right reasons) that people would rather be thought of as cheaters than known to be swingers.

I understand it. I just think it is warped and sad that it is the way it is

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by Newpants

I understand it. I just think it is warped and sad that it is the way it is

I agree wholeheartedly.

Isn't bizarre that swingers have disdain for cheaters because they are breaking their trust with their spouse, but the vanilla world looks at swinging with greater disdain than they do cheaters, because...., well, it's not because we are breaking out trust now is it. It is truly a strange paradox.

[LFM2]

It's almost like opening pandora's box. LOL

Dave and I were just talking about this. It would be so much easier to be known as a cheater than a swinger, because of course, in the unknowing world, swinging is linked to pedophilia, immoral behavior, sexual deviants, etc.... I would probably be fired as well under some moral clause that my companies lawyers would make up. Dave would probably be fired as well.

If I didn't need my job so badly, I'd shout it from the rooftops that I'm a swinger and I love it!!

Adulterers are so much more favorably looked upon than swingers just for the basic reason that most of the population has no freaking clue what swinging entails. When I worked in other depts, I worked with many cheaters. I'm sure Dave has too. Their cheating was looked upon as just being a "bad boy".

Personally, I abhor cheaters and so does Dave. It's more like you're a fucking scumbag with us.

Sad, huh???

[serenandsol]

That is an interesting question. I think that it would definitely depend on the person and the circumstances.

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that anything outside of the norm sexually is considered to be an automatic slippery slope to pedophilia. The moral judgment police surely have done a number on the population when two people who love each other and choose to have sex with others are more abhorrent than people who sneak around.

I think there was another thread in the open marriage subforum about a man looking to go out for a one night stand, and the general consensus was that if he wore his wedding band then he'd probably have a better chance of getting lucky than without. Weird.