Strange comment at party last night

[Coupleerotic22]

Last night one of our local social clubs had an event. We had planned to go, but the wife was not feeling well so she insisted I go alone, mainly to see some people we had been planning to meet.

It was odd being without her, now I think I understand what single guys feel like. It was difficult to have a conversation with all but a handful of new people, it was no problem for the ones WE already know. I guess I was seen as a single male for the night lol.

At one point during the evening a lady, several years my senior, made a comment to me.

She said "you are a good boy, aren't you". I was a bit confused and frankly not sure exactly what she said due to the music. She repeated herself and added that I was "being TOO much of a gentleman." She added that I did not put my hands on the ladies except for maybe their arm and that they expected me to be a bit more outgoing and to physically show more interest.

Admittedly I am a bit more shy in swinger situations than I am in everyday life. But it caught me off guard. I have always felt it was rather rude to put my hands on a lady in a sexual manner unless we were actively engaged in sex or she made the first move.

I would see guys come by and "grab" a women, some ladies seemed fine with it, others less so. And when engaged in conversation other men's hands seem to roam much more than mine.

I told the Mrs. what the lady said when I returned home. She laughed and added that I am a bit too laid back, to the point I seem disinterested in anything other than conversation at times.

I have always felt that not groping a women and being a respectful gentleman was a good thing, but am I being "too much of a gentleman" in these situations, as the lady said? I sure would like to hear some others opinions, particularly the women out there.

[two4youinswva]

I'm with you on this one. I don't play grab-ass unless I've either been invited, or have been given permission to play grab-ass before.

I think you can show your interest just as well by showing genuine interest in what she has to say, or a touch on the arm during conversation. Actually, I know you can be successful doing this, since it worked quite well for us recently.

I can't imagine groping someone that I don't know as they pass by. That feels oafish to me. However, a smile and a stare that lasts a second too long can be fun.

[exploringRM]

Wow, I was considering posting on a similar topic, trying to find that line between being respectful and overbearing and pushy. Many of my play partners (women) are not shy and there's a mutual groping going one when we dance. When faced with a woman (I don't know well) that is more passive, I'm always at a loss on how far to go. I want to seem interested but don't want to be a turn-off either.

[Fundamental Law]

Good manners are never inappropriate.

[exploringRM]

Originally Posted by Fundamental Law

Good manners are never inappropriate.

I agree and I typically err on the side of good manners, but there are some women that are not that forward and want the man to take the lead.

[lustylearning]

I think timing is everything, and a light touch on the arm in passing or a direct smile speaks more about desire than groping. Go ahead and use the force for good.

[Fundamental Law]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

I think timing is everything, and a light touch on the arm in passing or a direct smile speaks more about desire than groping. Go ahead and use the force for good.

It's still about nuance and seduction.

Bravo. Well spoken. And better practiced.

[Cajun2Step]

I too have wondered how aggressive to be when at a party or with a new lady that I have just met. I will always err on the side of being a gentleman.

[Cajun2Step]

Well now, I just got an education. Lady2Step just informed me that she and many women would prefer the men to be the aggressors. She takes it as a real compliment when someone plays with her breasts, or her butt, or slides a hand inside to see what she has on under her skirt.

Who knew? Not me!
I still will err on the side of being a gentleman.

[LFM2]

Since I'm a woman, I'll answer.

We once met a couple at a bar. Very nice couple and we're still friends, but have no desire to "hook up" with them, whatsoever. Why you ask? (C'mon, I know you asked!)
The moment I sat down, they introduced themselves to us and not 10 seconds passed and he had his hand in my hair and it was also rubbing up and down my back. GROSSED me out!! I mean really, really bad. Had I had the confidence then, we would have walked out. I mean I didn't even know this guy except for the 10 seconds before.

Let me get to know you first. At least a little bit longer than 10 seconds. I love to be touched and caressed, and it really doesn't take that long to warm up to me. I love men. But for hells sakes, let the women at least a few minutes to get to know you. A touch on the arm wouldn't have creeped me out, but the rubbing up and down my back and his hand, which I didn't see before he touched me was covered with black grease because he's a mechanic.

Like I said, we like this couple, but will never, ever play with them; Even if they were the last two people on earth.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here--- I think the 'lady' in question has no interest in a gentleman. Therefore, you would not be a good match, even just for sex. Always be true to who YOU are. It'll attract the people you are most suited to. As we say, 'Like' attracts 'Like'.

By the way, if a man just grabs my breast, he may find he has a new nickname, 'Lefty' !

[Newpants]

There's a term for men who are too forward and move too fast for a lady's comfort = "aggressive" and it can be the kiss of death in many circles.

There is another name for men who are not forward enough and aren't trying hard enough = "celibate"

This whole issue I think is one of the biggest cruxes of being a male in the lifestyle. If you are too forward you are thought of as an aggressive boar and if you aren't forward enough, you are thought of as not interested at best or as a pussy at worst.

The challenge is to find the right balance with each individual lady that you are interested in. For some groping is just the beginning and for others a simple 'hello' is probably too much. It's really a case of the Platinum Rule and that is to treat people as THEY want to be treated. You just have to find out from each individual how they want to be treated.

The one thing to keep in mind is that it shouldn't be shocking to people if you are somewhat sexual and somewhat sexually oriented in a swinger venue. As long as it is respectfull and courtious and you are treating people as a whole human being and not just as a lifessupport system for a vagina, then even if they are not interested in playing, at least they will not be offended and think of you as a boar for making a respectfull and legitimate approach.

[thosetwo76]

My first thought when reading OP was that the lady you were speaking with wanted you to me a little more agressive...with her

IMHO, being a gentleman pays off most times. I was just thinking about this the other day....everytime we are in a situation, swinging or vanilla, give it about 5 minutes, and Mr 76 has a woman completely enthralled in a great conversation. A few more, (when not in a vanilla setting) and he's rounding first base, heading to second. I LOVE watching this (obviously ). How does he do it??? He just makes them feel beautiful, is a gentleman, looks them in the eye and gives them a lot of respect and attention. Maybe doesn't work on all women, but no one is going to have anything bad to say about you either

[funat40]

I think this is another one of those double standards where if a woman is a bit "forward", she's considered to be sexy and confident (and perhaps a little "slutty", which is usually a compliment.) But if a man does it, he's usually considered to be "pushy" or "aggressive."

However, I've also read comments from women here on this board who complain that the men they meet in the lifestyle are too docile and polite, and that it's a bit of a turn-on when a man shows immediate attraction/interest in them.

I think the bottom line for both men and women is physical attraction. If an attractive person makes an aggressive first move, it'll probably be received favorably. But if an unattractive person were to make the same move, he/she would be considered to be "too aggressive" and a major turn-off.

The safe play is always to play it cool and polite -- unless you know for certain the other person is really into you. The attractive person will usually remain a consideration, regardless of first impressions. And the unattractive person may become attractive once you get to know him/her.

[SecretAsianMan]

I try to make it clear if I'm interested - verbal compliments... joking with her... spending a few minutes chatting with her (more than "Oh gawd, you're hot! Wanna fuck?") - and will reach out to touch her hand & arm. No more than a shoulder if that's offered.

Always try to gauge the reaction ... feel for feedback if our hands are touching (is she touching back?) and proceed at her level of comfort. Sometimes it's hard to read and she's holding back and waiting for me to "seriously make a move" ... which has lead to some missed opportunities.

But... I'd honestly much rather be a gentleman who's missed a few opportunities than a "pushy / overly aggressive" fella who's scared 'em off.