Have you ever struggled with "The Friend Zone?"

[Newpants]

This is a spin-off from a couple interesting posts on another thread and I didn't want to hijack.

A couple people made references to being interested in certain ladies only to have the ladies tell them that they only saw then as "friends" and not as potential sex partners/boyfriends/lovers etc.

I occasionally read some vanilla dating/relationship forums too and there is definately a lot of discussion on those about guys (and gals too) getting stuck in the "Friend Zone" in the vanilla dating world.

I am curious as to how the Friend Zone applies to swingers as well. We always hear people talking about not wanting just a sexual encounter but to be friends as well however in swinging I would think that being strictly in the Friend Zone would be a bad bad thing.

So my questions are -

- Have you had trouble with getting stuck in the Friend Zone where people only want to be "friends" but don't want to have sex with you?

- What suggestions would you offer for staying out of the Friend Zone when you meet someone and keeping the sexual option open and still on the table?

- how do you balance being a nice guy/nice gal and treating people with dignity and respect but still have them consider you a valid sex partner?


For the purposes of this discussion we'll define the Friend Zone as someone appreciates your personal qualities as a nice guy/gal and is OK with being seen with you but they do not consider you a potential sex partner.

Also, Some other terms I have heard this refered to are "beta boys" or more the more technically correct - "omega boys", "straight gayfriend" "friend with cock/tits" etc etc.

Would love to hear your tales from the Friend Zone!

[Newpants]

Oh I forgot, let me add a couple other questions.

- Ladies, when you say that you only want to be "friends" with a guy that you know is wanting more, why do you only want to be friends and what are really saying and what do you really mean? (ie he isn't physically attractive, he's too much of a wuss, he's too aggressive/not aggressive enough etc etc_

- and guys, same question. If there is a gal that you know wants more why do you only see her as a "friend" and what does it mean to you when you say you only want to be friends?

[sweet2eat30]

We met a couple and began hanging out (when we first started). We found ourselves hanging out with them and becoming more friends and nothing else. At this point, they have become friends more than anything else and neither of us can see ourselves playing with them.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by sweet2eat30

We met a couple and began hanging out (when we first started). We found ourselves hanging out with them and becoming more friends and nothing else. At this point, they have become friends more than anything else and neither of us can see ourselves playing with them.

OK perfect! So let's break that down, why do not want to play with them and why do you not see yourselves ever playing with them? Where was the turning point that made you decide they were friends and not playmate material? What, if anything would make you decide to play with them?

[realcplub2]

It happens, Erotic Email... Hot conversations via phone, and flirting when together.. Only to have or as the case may be, not have the chemistry to go further.

Or after having connected (yes litterally) have all parties concerned, find it more fun to be freinds than play partners

[TwoLittleBirds]

When people tell us they think we'd be nice to have as friends, my wife and I assume that's a nice way of saying, "You two are too fat for us."

[sweet2eat30]

For us it was just a matter of becoming friends and not wanting to jeopardize the friendship. We also found that we run in the same business circles which muddies the waters even more

[Learning]

When we first started swinging we met a cool couple at a house party. They were super intelligent, fun, and exactly like us but 17 years older. We hung out with them a ton, and looking back, that was stupid of us to spend so much time with them but we were new. I was not attracted to either one if them but I like who they were. In the vanilla world, they would have been the ideal friends. A line was crossed when we went to a club and the friendship was ended because it was drama and we could never go back to what the
friendship was. Swinging wise, the attraction was basically not there, they acted their age. For a while after that I doubted if friendships only in the lifestyle could occur but they can as long as lines don't get crossed over. Because of what happened, we are apt to not make the first move now because we feel that people just want to be our friends, which isn't bad. Though this part of the lifestyle does get confusing.

[slevin]

When talking about people you've only met recently it is generally a lack of attraction. If we're talking about people over time, the attraction can wane, the excitement of being 'new' people wanes and you start to value their friendship over the sex perhaps.

For avoiding it in the first place, strike while the iron is hot. Make the relationship a sexual one from the start (not tough when meeting swingers!) and enjoy the flirting/sexual overtones etc.

[Mr.GeekChic]

[Rod Serling Voice]

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of loneliness and confusion, but of sexual frustration. A journey into a sexless land where everyone else is sharing hot, sweaty orgasms. There's a signpost up ahead: "Leave your genitals at the door! Your next stop, the Friend Zone!"

[/Rod Serling Voice]

Back in middle & high school I was deep in the Friend Zone.

I thought that being a "nice guy" and "respectful" meant that you didn't show any sexual interest in someone. I thought that by acting differently than the other guys, the girls I was interested in would be more interested in me. However, I see now the exact opposite is true. I essentially neutered myself because by not showing sexual interest in them, they saw me as asexual and therefore had no interest in me.

There were other factors too, which I won't go into here but if anyone's interested they could read about it in my thread in the Newbies section, which incidentally is the thread Newpants didn't want to hijack... How to be more open and confident with my sexuality?

A few years ago, I found myself in a bit of a role-reversal. There was someone I thought of as a friend, but I found out from someone else that she wanted more. This was before my wife and I had considered swinging, so there was no way I was going to do anything with my friend. But even still, if I had been single or was swinging back then, I still can't see myself with her. She's attractive, but I'm just not attracted to her. She's just not my type sexually. But I like her as a person, she's fun to be around, and I wouldn't want to give up our friendship.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by Mr.GeekChic

[Rod Serling Voice]

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of loneliness and confusion, but of sexual frustration. A journey into a sexless land where everyone else is sharing hot, sweaty orgasms. There's a signpost up ahead: "Leave your genitals at the door! Your next stop, the Friend Zone!"

[/Rod Serling Voice]

Oh man, LOVE IT!!

[Stevef8]

Originally Posted by TwoLittleBirds

When people tell us they think we'd be nice to have as friends, my wife and I assume that's a nice way of saying, "You two are too fat for us."

Or too ugly...... That's the way we see it too....

[lustylearning]

Hehehe. All I can see is Chris Rock doing his comedy routine about "the friend zone."

Seriously though, if you're in "the friend zone": there may not be sufficient interest from the woman; or the circumstances simply will not work for the four of you (i.e., you're fine, but my husband has zero interest in your wife or, in the alternative, i can tell your wife has zero interest in my husband); or something beyond you is going on which prevents play that you have no control over.

If you're expending a lot of mental energy over trying to figure it out, it's probably better to just ask.

[exploringRM]

I don't think we have any specific couple that are friends and not playmates, but there are a few couples where one of us have only played with one of them. Some of the reasons for that has been the opportunities have not been there, as most of these friends we see at house parties. For a few the attraction is just not there, but we've not been in a situation with just the 4 of us where we needed to say no. One couple we are friends with, we knew (and hung out together) for a year before we played. Just no opportunities, but we enjoy their company even with out playing.

There's a few couples where I think the attraction has waned a bit (been considering starting a topic on this) and we still enjoy being with them but for a variety of reasons less sex and more social time.

In general, if there were no possibilities of play with a couple, we would be friendly but would not spend alot of time and energy specifically with them. If in a larger social setting, we'd hang out with them though.

[qpwo]

I think the "friend zone" as it's discussed by people in the vanilla world is something different than what you'd find in the lifestyle. It's my impression, at least, the reason single guys dread the friend zone is because they're easily taken advantage of while they're in that position. As a female engineer, who's been a (n honest!) friend of many single guys with less than stellar dating records, what I see frequently is Guy A liking Pretty Girl. Guy A is the shy type, who is averse to rejection, so he figures his best bet to start dating Pretty Girl is being kind to her, being supporting of her, spending his free time with her, sometimes spending lots of money on her. Pretty Girl doesn't find Guy A attractive, and she is usually aware of his affections. She subtly does what she can to continue the arrangement- she has a devoted friend, and can also date Guys B, C, D... men more attractive to her. Guy A can quietly suffer for years if he doesn't realize what's happening.

This doesn't seem like the kind of thing that would plague married couples- neither you nor your swinging partners are 'using' each other without giving anything in return. If you're friends, you're friends, and if you're playmates, you're playmates. You might be hurt by a 'let's not play together' rejection, but nobody is pining, in the sense that these single boys are, because you still have your wife/husband to come home to.

Of course, only a small subset of single vanilla guys are susceptible to this, as well, but they seem to be pretty common in my social circles.