Understanding soft swap

[Coupleerotic22]

I am just curious. I really don't get soft swap. This is in no means a knock on soft swappers, I am just trying to learn and understand.

First, definitions seem to be all over the place. I have seen it defined as; FF play only; oral only, finish with spouse; oral only but finish with swap partner; just watching each other (I don't even think of that as swap, just exhibitionism/voyeurism); and maybe another variation or two I am forgetting.

Second, and the real question, what is the real barrier to going full swap? The risk of STD is only slightly less, if at all. Oral really isn't that much less intimate than intercourse, so fear of jealousy of one over the other doesn't make sense to me.

Can you guys help me understand the motivation behind soft swap?

TIA
Mr. Couple

[meandmyhotgirl]

I was thinking it was a way for people to ease into the hard swap eventually, but what you're saying makes sense. I guess different people are affected differently and I have heard of people doing soft swap only, so maybe it's just personal preference.

[socolais]

I think this is a very good question - it's one we pondered for quite a while. While my wife and I generally prefer full swap, soft swap can be a mind blowing experience.

When we first started swinging, we tried soft swap first. I guess a lot of couples are like that too, and that promotes the general feeling that soft swappers limit themselves due to insecurities. That of course is one reason, but there's more.

For us, swinging is a sexual adventure. We go to a party with no expectations of getting laid and just having a sexual good time. Yes, of course we hope for a fun connection and some sexual interaction, but the real important objective is sexual excitement for both of us. Soft swapping is extended foreplay and in some ways, that's about as exciting as things can get. Soft swapping is no less of an adventure than any other activity. When my wife and I get back together, we have just as much fun whether it was full or soft swapping. We can continue the tease with more foreplay or get down to business with some really intense grinding.

soft swapping is just another item on the menu of fun

[Learning]

We are currently at the soft swap level. We do not have any crazy rules. Only two rules we have is no taking one for the team and no vaginal sex. At this point I'm not too sure about going to a full on my end lately because I honestly hit a wall my own self esteem. Until I get my head back on straight it's off the table. I'm just not comfortable in my own skin right now and to throw that into a bad full swap situation would probably make me run from the lifestyle.

[MrsPandMe]

Soft swap is everything short of intercourse with someone other then your partner, by definition. Any other limitations are "rules" and not the actual definition of the term.

As for the "why do it at all", there are as many reasons as there are swingers. I can say that a lot of what we've come to understand is what Learning alluded to, nerves. If you and your partner go into the deal with no real need for him to "perform", it takes a lot of pressure off. After all, you don't need a boner to perform mindblowing oral. Without the pressure to get junior into the party, you can concentrate on other things (which, many times, gets Junior into the party). Another big reason is psychological. Watching your wife getting munched by another dude = pretty exciting. Watching your wife get banged by another dude = potentially traumatizing. The last one sees a lot of swingers who start out soft, and once the trust is established and they really do like and trust a couple, they delve into full swap. For the first time, the guy really has to have a connection and trust with the other guy, then he'll feel more comfortable knowing that the other guy will respect HIS feelings as well as his wife's. Once that cherry is popped and he knows he's okay watching his wife with another guy, it's amazing to see how many wonder why they never did this to begin with...

Mr. P

[sweet2eat30]

Originally Posted by MrsPandMe

Soft swap is everything short of intercourse with someone other then your partner, by definition. Any other limitations are "rules" and not the actual definition of the term.

As for the "why do it at all", there are as many reasons as there are swingers. I can say that a lot of what we've come to understand is what Learning alluded to, nerves. If you and your partner go into the deal with no real need for him to "perform", it takes a lot of pressure off. After all, you don't need a boner to perform mindblowing oral. Without the pressure to get junior into the party, you can concentrate on other things (which, many times, gets Junior into the party). Another big reason is psychological. Watching your wife getting munched by another dude = pretty exciting. Watching your wife get banged by another dude = potentially traumatizing. The last one sees a lot of swingers who start out soft, and once the trust is established and they really do like and trust a couple, they delve into full swap. For the first time, the guy really has to have a connection and trust with the other guy, then he'll feel more comfortable knowing that the other guy will respect HIS feelings as well as his wife's. Once that cherry is popped and he knows he's okay watching his wife with another guy, it's amazing to see how many wonder why they never did this to begin with...

Mr. P

I agree. That's been the way it was for us when we got started

[realcplub2]

I hate to be the dissentor here but anyone remember the old saying:

In for a penny, in for a pound

We have expounded on this subject before. In our eyes, its like this, If we are going to get naked, and enjoy our new found friends...Hands, fingers, toungues applied here there and everywhere.. Why stop short of cumpletion?

As far as the definition, its a User defined application - Depends on what they are comfortable with

[shy_couple]

We are a soft swap couple. He is straaight and she is bi-crious, friendly,comfortable.. .For us, our profile lists us as willing to try most things short of full swap with the right people.

We have been together since HS. She has never beeen penetrated by a man other than him. Soft swap is our second step in the lifestyle, first was voyeurysm/exhibitionism. Things may progress past this for us,then again they may not. We will have to wait and see. For now we are having alot of fun when we find a couple that similar things as us.

[two4youinswva]

Some folks like to get in the pool by coming down the steps on the shallow end. A step at a time, acclimating their bodies to the water. Most eventually ease their entire body in, making their way down to the deep end, then eventually hitting the diving board. Some prefer to stay in the shallow end, wading around, maybe getting a float to chill on.

Other folks take off running from the bath house, and do a big fat cannon ball into the deep end. Damn the shock of the cold water, bombs away!

Each has their own legitimate reasons for doing it their way. It's how they like to do it. I see swinging and a couple's limits when starting out in much the same way.

[Suncouple]

Humanity has a special "thing" for the act that results in procreation.
Your question is sort of like "What's the big deal about rape? It's better than getting punched in the nose." Although there are differences to be sure. I understand. No flames please! I'm on your side!

It's just in a special category.

I like it!

[ViSexual]

OK, my wife and I had a 'soft swap' rule when we first began and it was a lot of fun.

In fact, it was going to 'full swap' that I believe was her downfall in the lifestyle..., and I might add, it was her doing, not mine.

Soft swap is foreplay, full swap is the completion. And, just like petting in high school then going home to masturbate, soft swap with friends, then going home to enjoy completion with each other, isn't so bad at all.

It's like watching an erotic movie together. You both fantasize about being with one of the charactors but the reason you're watching is to get your blood pressure up for each other!

There's nothing wrong with full swapping in the lifestyle, but, there's certainly nothing at all wrong with keeping it soft either! It's just a preference.

[JustAskJulie]

Part of the problem with SS, is that the definition does vary from couple to couple. You basically do have to ask them what their rules are as soon as you find out they are SS, to assess whether it's something you want to do.

That said, we tend more towards soft-swap and it's simply a comfort factor with my hubby. There are a handful of women he's comfortable enough with to consider a full swap. For us, soft swap, means everything but actual vaginal sex (and we don't/won't do anal).

[Coupleerotic22]

Thank you all for the replies. And thank you for taking the question in the tenor it was asked. I really am just trying to understanding the psychology behind it.

I understand it is a personal preference, and I respect that, I am just interested in what factors make people draw the line there. I know where I draw my lines, and why. I can certainly see why some lines are drawn, SS I am just fuzzy on frankly. But to each their own.

For those of you that started or still are soft swap, can you expound on why you drew the line there and what made you decide to move the line?

two4youinswva - I love the pool analogy, it makes sense. I have always been the cannon ball kind of guy I guess, lol.

Learning - I have read a number of your post. You seem relatively new to the lifestyle (as are we) and relatively young (as we are not, lol). I am not sure what your self-esteem issues are, but you seem to be a very intelligent, caring and well spoken person. And if you are at all like my wife you are FAR more attractive than you give yourself credit for. Regardless, intelligence, good conversation and confidence are some the sexiest attributes a woman could have. I hope you get you issues resolved because you sound like a great person.

ViSexual - If you don't mind me asking, how was going from SS to FS the downfall in your swinging? Not trying to pry, just curious. You won't hurt my feelings if tell me its none of my business.

JustAskJulie - that is interesting you are primarily SS, I guess I just assumed your were full. Maybe because you run the board and wrote the book, lol. Anyway it is good to learn something new (for me anyway) about our lovely host.

If one thing has come out of this for me, it is that I am more interesting in entertaining the idea of playing with SS couples. I may not have a strong grasp of the "why" for SS, but as socolais said, it's just one more item to add to the menu of fun.

[willyoats]

We were full swap from the very first encounter. Sometime after we started we met a really nice couple who became good friends that we did a lot with outside of hte bedroom. They wnated only soft swap, massage and forplay leading up to intercourse with their spouses. We went along because it was fun just doing manual and oral things with them and because we liked them so much that we would play their game and not insist on more.

The irony is that she got herpes anyway, almost certainly from oral contact with somebody.

We moved overseas and lost contact with them, but my time with her doing soft swap stuff is among my fondest memories of swinging.

[padoc]

Swinging is about having choices, in playmates AND play. Soft swap is a choice that some couples have made and thats their right. If a couple is upfront with us about soft play, we have no problem playing to the comfort level of the least comfortable in the group. This is supposed to be fun and soft play can be a lot of fun. The ultimate goal of sex is generally an orgasm and we frankly care more that an orgasm happens rather than the orifice in which it happens.