"First Meetings" frequently get cancelled...advice?

[Fundamental Law]

For privacy and discretion, we choose not to visit clubs near our home town. For an initial meeting with a couple that holds some interest, we'll suggest lunch, dinner or a drink at a local restaurant.

With some frequency, the rendezvous doesn't materialize. The typical explanations are that one of the couple is ill, a business issue comes up, a child gets sick,...typically a couple of hours before the planned get-together.

Of course, such things happen. Life is inherently unpredictable. But such things seem to happen considerably more frequently with initial meetings than subsequent, and more frequently than we have found this happening with our vanilla friends. And we'd prefer to use our leisure time better.

Any suggestions for upping the reliability for initial meetings? For what it's worth, we look forward to meeting interesting people and value the social aspects of swing.

Thanks in advance.

PS. As you might imagine, this happened again this afternoon.

[LikeMinds321]

I'm sorry this happened to you. What a letdown.

I'm not the ideal person to be posting here because we've never experienced a first-date cancellation.

If this did start happening to us, I'd look for patterns, or similarities among these couples.

I'd be looking at things like, who made the first contact? Were they experienced or newbies? Were they overly eager to meet? Were the dates set up within two weeks after the first communication? Who selected the meeting place for the date? These are just a few of the many things I'd be thinking about when analyzing the problem.

When these couples canceled, did they ever suggest a reschedule?

LM

[Newpants]

One thing that we think helps is to try and have both of the ladies talk to each other on the phone and have them come up with a meeting time and place.

This does a couple things. first off it establishes right off the bat that both of you are legitimate couples and that the female halves are fully aware and consenting to what is taking place.

The other thing it does is give each lady a sense of buy-in and a sense of control.

My suspician is that a lot of these no-shows and last minute cancelations with any further contact or attempt at rescheduling are often fakes and just some guy and not a real couple at all, or the male half is just making all the arraingements and is doing a lot of wishfull thinking and the fem half isn't sold on the idea and she is getting cold feet at the last minute.

If you can get the two ladies to talk to each other first it helps calm the nerves and assures that both couples are at least real couples and are sincere about meeting.

[The Fuse]

Definitely have a phone call before agreeing to meet. This weeds out a lot of people. We try to have all four on the phone, but if that doesn't work out then at least the two ladies. If there are excuses as to why she is unavailable to talk on the phone before setting up a date, don't set up a date.

During the phone call, we flirt gently, ask and answer questions, and generally chat and establish a report. We have had one no-show date in four years. In fact, they were a real couple. They were just rude.

[Fundamental Law]

Thanks to all for your comments and advice. You make some important points about the level of engagement of all four people towards an initial meeting. Reflecting back, it makes a great deal of sense that there may not be equal expectation.

We have framed (and continue to frame) an initial meeting as purely social because that has always been our initial expectation--a two-on-two meet'n'greet with nothing anticipated beyond pleasant conversation.

Your point that even a casual "Let's meet for drinks" might be best arranged with the ladies in the conversation is well reasoned and well taken.

Thanks to each of you who responded.

[VegasLee]

Another thing to remember if these are people you are meeting on the Internet is that for many of them this is nothing more than fantasy.

Once you are moving it into reality they don't follow through. That is one reason you will see so many "first meetings" not take place.

You also will find that there are some men that are on sites as a couple. You set up a meeting now they are going to be found out. Hard to be a couple when you are just a guy.

The Internet has made it so easy for couples and others to live a fantasy life but they don't follow through when it starts getting real.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Fundamental Law

We have framed (and continue to frame) an initial meeting as purely social because that has always been our initial expectation--a two-on-two meet'n'greet with nothing anticipated beyond pleasant conversation.

The points made about the value of a 4-way phone call before meeting is a great idea. It is how we proceed with nearly everyone.

Your statement I quoted has me thinking about something else that you might want to consider.

If you give the impression that you are more interested in a social night out than swinging, you could be causing people to have second thoughts about meeting. Unless a profile emphasizes "friends first" and "taking it slow" I think most people, even newbies, hope to play on the first meet. It's a perfect fantasy that should be keep alive. If you crush the fantasy before you even meet, people may figure, why meet?

LM

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Newpants

One thing that we think helps is to try and have both of the ladies talk to each other on the phone and have them come up with a meeting time and place.

Thats been our strategy in the past, and when thats happened we never had any last minute issues.

The key is getting the other woman on the phone.

[Lascivious L&L]

Last minute cancellations have always been a part of swinging for us. Fantasy is part of the explanation, the fantasy changing to reality does cause a certain amount of cancellations. But in Vermont, most often there is travel time in order to meet couples, often an hour or more. Weather is always an issue. The travel time and rural roads often at night are always an issue, whether the first meeting or subsequent meetings.

We consider it part of the weeding process. If you arent' willing to travel our sometimes wild roads in all seasons, why are you living here?

[Fundamental Law]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I think most people, even newbies, hope to play on the first meet. It's a perfect fantasy that should be keep alive. If you crush the fantasy before you even meet, people may figure, why meet?

LM

Thanks so much for the reflection. If you have a moment, browse over to Swing Lifestyle and view our profile. We intended to send the 'friends first' message on a couple of levels. If not, then we should revise.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Fundamental Law

Thanks so much for the reflection. If you have a moment, browse over to Swing Lifestyle and view our profile. We intended to send the 'friends first' message on a couple of levels. If not, then we should revise.

I took a look at your profile.

I only see one public picture that doesn't reveal much about the Mrs. When I see this I have to wonder how many of these cancellations were with people who contacted you first?

Let's say you made the first contact with all those who cancelled, when did you show them your private pictures? On first contact? Only after you all agreed to meet? What procedure do you follow?

Right off the bat your profile sounds to me like you're looking for a social life to fit into your very busy schedule and are looking for people just like you. It does sound more like dinner and drinks than an interest in sex.

Reading your profile I noted that for as full as it is, there is hardly a mention of sex, and nothing about what you want for play with others, or what type of play you've experienced and enjoy. It's a lot of talk about yourselves and more than I think is necessary. I wonder why the need to mention your profession, or where you plan to move to, or how many times you work out each week. I felt like if we met you'd spend half the night trying to talk us into why we must become nudists and vacation where you do. The profile seems self-absorbed.

Thing is, at first read I felt interested, on some level, but decided to read again, and that's when I didn't feel the same draw. On the third read I was reconsidering my interest in meeting, and I believe it is because of the things I mentioned above.

This is only my take, others could feel very differently. But I wonder if some of these folks changed their mind for the same reasons I did.

LM

[Fundamental Law]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I took a look at your profile.



Thing is, at first read I felt interested, on some level, but decided to read again, and that's when I didn't feel the same draw. On the third read I was reconsidering my interest in meeting, and I believe it is because of the things I mentioned above.

This is only my take, others could feel very differently. But I wonder if some of these folks changed their mind for the same reasons I did.

LM

Your critiques are valid, and the feedback is valuable. Thanks for the constructive comments.

[charms123]

We too have been stood up and we twice have stood up someone else. Our "fault" was kid related. One time we were able to get to the other couple before they left their house. The other time was a single guy and he was already at the place. We apologized profusely and did manage to meet all of them at other times. its just polite.

But we have been stood up a number of time. if nothing else, the expense of a sitter, the guilt of leaving the kids to go play.... It was just rude on the others part.

Today we meet in one of two scenarios. Either we meet from a site like Altplayground.net where we knew there are few flakes there because its a pay site and I think a higher priced site. These members have been sorta screened and after a while you can ask others about members. and always a call or two first.

Second other scenario is that we meet at the swingers club we attend. That way the people are vetted a little more and if it does not click, shit, we are at the club, we will meet someone.

Nothing worse than spending the time, effort and money to set something up then be disappointed. for us, life is too short, and we are getting too old to play games.

Does that sound fair? we think so.

N

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by Fundamental Law

Thanks so much for the reflection. If you have a moment, browse over to Swing Lifestyle and view our profile. We intended to send the 'friends first' message on a couple of levels. If not, then we should revise.

Do you have an interest in actually having sex with other people? If so, then your profile should say so. If you have played in the past and enjoyed it, your profile should say so. I am making this comment because there are a lot of people out there who are "friends first" couples who may read your profile and think you don't have any real desire to play. If you have interest in playing, you should have public pictures that show body type for both of you.

If you just want to be social friends with like-minded couples, with no touching or sex involved, you should say that too. In that case, the pictures may be less important.

That said, if you don't know what you want, you should try to figure that out . If you want to have the best chance of making a match, you should know what the other couple is into, and they should know what you're into. That way you can know if there is overlap.

LikeMinds had some good questions for you. If you are agreeing to meet and then opening your private pictures after setting a date, and then getting canceled on, then you should show more of yourselves in your public pictures so people have a better idea what you look like before they agree to meet you. I'm not saying post face pictures. I'm just suggesting that you show full body type for both of you. Also, we normally do show our faces before agreeing to meet, and expect the other couple to do so as well. We won't meet without seeing faces first.

And to repeat myself... the phone call is a big deal in our opinion. If we can't get at least the two ladies on the phone, then a cancellation is all but assured.