A decent set of core rules

[Coupleerotic22]

I was reading another post and wanted to explore the issue of rules a bit deeper and get other peoples thoughts.

Before we actually started swinging we read many articles. Somewhere we read that you need a set of rules, and many examples were given. So we set out to make our set of rules which, if it had been written down, would have rivaled the U.S. Tax code in length. (I jest but only a little.)

Besides not being able to remember them all, it quickly became apparent that most, in fact the vast majority, of them were silly. So we stripped them down to a few core rules, that are fairly broad, that we live by. Here are ours.

1. Communicate, always the truth, about everything, all the time, never hold back or keep secrets. NOW is always the right time to say what is on your mind, even if we need to excuse ourselves to somewhere private.
2. Safety before everything else. Never put yourself in a bad situation and if you find yourself there, get out anyway you can. Better hurt feelings than hurt spouse.
3. If you are unsure about a situation then you can be sure its the wrong situation, stop whatever you are doing and move on.
4. We love each other and our family. Nothing comes before that. Playtime fills up free time, it does not replace family time. If you feel (emotionally) something more than you think you should step back, protect our relationship and family.
5. If you are no longer having fun then stop. That means a chat session, sexual encounter, and regular playmate or swinging in general. Never take one for the team, we will all be miserable.
6. Have a much fun as you want and can as long as it does not conflict with the first 5.

That is the first time I have actually written them down, but I think that is about it. I could be missing something but I doubt it. I feel like it is a pretty streamlined list but I wanted to know what others think.

What rules do other use out there?


Edit: I did think of one thing. Some may think it a bit odd, but it is the only hold over from our original list of what we call "the silly rules" that has not gone away. Our bedroom is our sanctuary only. We don't play in the bed we share, pretty much anywhere else is good to go.

[good times]

Ours are about the same, just a bit more condensed.

1 - Have fun. If it isn't fun, either one of us can call the play session to a halt at any time.
2 - We try our best not to take one for the team.

We will do it in our bed though, in fact, the only limit we have is we won't do it anywhere we could get arrested.

[fun4Ds]

I really like your way of thinking, Coupleerotic22

So if it's a choice of your bed our ours, I guess it will be ours then


Fun4ds

[exploringRM]

Sounds like a common sense set of rules. And nothing too restricting that will narrow your opportunities. We didn't really write then down, but everything you states was discussed at one time or another.

Other rules we have:

No playing with married couples but not married to each other.

Generally no couples younger than our kids (though we are 50 and that sort of works it self out on it's own); but I bet we would bend that rule given the right situation.

I would not call this a rule, but allow each other at parties to go off on our own to find our fun;

In the communication area we try to keep each other up to date if we chatted online (on our own) with a member of another couple. 1) It's the no secrets and 2) It keeps us both in the loop of what's going on.

We had a few that went by the way side:

Same room swap only, and friends first. We found that we like same and separate rooms swap, and perhaps separate more so; and the friends first thing took way too much time and energy.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by good times

Ours are about the same, just a bit more condensed.

Yes, I tend to be long winded.

Originally Posted by good times

the only limit we have is we won't do it anywhere we could get arrested.

Well, we try not to have rules that we would have already broken. Even before swinging we had sex in places that the law would have frowned on.

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

I really like your way of thinking, Coupleerotic22

So if it's a choice of your bed our ours, I guess it will be ours then

Fun4ds

LOL, thank you. Not sure why we kept that one, other than to have one thing that was just for us. Besides we figured we have options for beds, and beds can be overrated, there are so many other interesting options too!

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

Sounds like a common sense set of rules. And nothing too restricting that will narrow your opportunities. We didn't really write then down, but everything you states was discussed at one time or another.

Other rules we have:

No playing with married couples but not married to each other.

Generally no couples younger than our kids (though we are 50 and that sort of works it self out on it's own); but I bet we would bend that rule given the right situation.

I would not call this a rule, but allow each other at parties to go off on our own to find our fun;

In the communication area we try to keep each other up to date if we chatted online (on our own) with a member of another couple. 1) It's the no secrets and 2) It keeps us both in the loop of what's going on.

We had a few that went by the way side:

Same room swap only, and friends first. We found that we like same and separate rooms swap, and perhaps separate more so; and the friends first thing took way too much time and energy.

Had not thought about younger than our kids, but it is way to creepy for us to go there as ours are still in the single digits for age. We kind of use our niece as a guideline, she is married with children. But in reality maturity is the deciding factor and we have tended to play with people very close to our age an older.

The whole, married but not with each other thing is not so much a rule. But we think of it like a married guy cheating. We sort of lump that under safety actually. If you are going to lie to us or your spouse about somethings then you might lie about anything. No sense in taking the chance.

[bbarnsworth]

We had some 'silly rules' at the outset too. But, I don't think such rules in general are silly. I think it helps first time swingers have a framework to give them some sense of stability, certainty, control, etc. Nobody is raised to be a swinger, and first contact can be daunting to many people. The 'silly rules' give us a means of working with this entirely new environment. Of course, over time, the 'silly rules' evaporate.

My wife and I have been swinging for coming up on two years soon. Our rules have basically vanished, but for a few, very simple rules:

(1) If either of us pulls the plug on a situation, it ends immediately with no questions from the other until we're away from the situation and can talk. This empowers either of us to exit for whatever reason. That rule has never been invoked.

(2) Condoms are a must. Period. Notionally, if my wife had a regular single male play partner, we might consider eliminating the condoms for sex between them, but that's it. It's just notionally, and we haven't and don't expect to cross that bridge any time soon.

(3) Our swinging lives will remain separate from our vanilla lives. We don't tell friends or family (though we made an exception for one friend, who was getting into swinging and obviously needed help in the form of advice). We don't share our real identities. We don't share face pics. No swinging in our own home.

The only really situational rule there is condom use. The other rules that we had in that regard vanished. There are preferences; my wife doesn't want to have anal sex with anyone but me, doesn't want facials, and doesn't want to swallow/have cum in her mouth (strong gag reflex). But, those are preferences. It's fine with me if she does any of those things (and she has done the latter), so it's not a 'rule'.

Recently, I asked my wife "We don't really have any situational rules left, do we?" to which she replied "Just condom usage".

[exploringRM]

Oh yeah, forgot to mention the condom rule for intercourse! Though not intentional that rule has been broken very few times (for both of us) by condoms coming off in the heat of the moment and not realizing it right away.

Regarding keeping identity secret and worlds colliding, we do have some overlap. A number of our swing friends are also friends at a social level so our daughter (22) has met 2 couples. And a little more off topic..we were at a wine festival with fairly new swing friends..there were 30,000 people there and we run into my sister and my 87 year old mom! Glad we were behaving. My sis and mom joined us for a few hours. But for the most part our swing and vanilla worlds do not intersect that often.

[bbarnsworth]

Another thread reminded me that my wife and I have one more rule; no falling in love with our play partners. If it starts to happen, we stop playing with that person/couple. Also, if we feel that a play partner is falling in love with one of us, cold turkey time too. This rule has never been invoked. It might be someday, but I don't see it happening any time soon. So, it's a rule, but it's not like its one that is on the front burner, so to speak. Just not something we think about very much, because it's such a little concern.