First Conversation About Swinging

[DarkVoyuer]

Please share the intitial conversation you had with your partner regarding swinging. In other words, if you are a husband or wife who is interested in swinging, how do you communicate this desire to your spouse? How do you ask your partner whether they would be interested in swinging? It is very different than asking where you want to go on vacation. I am simply a naive single dude who has no clue.

[belgiumcoast]

It was a though one... We had a rather difficult time behind our back and I (male) was eager to start swinging. Though during that hard time we learned to communicate really well, but I was also 200% sure that my wife was NOT into swinging so how could I bring up the subject without getting a NO...
One night she was ready a 'ladies magazine' in which there was an article about swinging, and even though that was an open door I still didn't dare to start a conversation on swinging. When she slept I read the article and it was quite positive so I hoped she had read it. A few days later I stumbled across an online enquiry on how people look at nudity, sex, faithfulness in a relationship, swinging and decided to send this URL to her and to talk about the results of it. As I expected she said NO to swinging (NEVER), when we compared our results. I had entered YES so we could start talking about this. I referred to the article in the magazine but she was still very negative about it. It actually took us 5 months before she entered a swinging club (after that we went about every 2 months to that club), and another 9 months before we had sexual contact with another couple. During those 13 months we talked a lot about it and she gradually shifted to become more open. Now 4-5 years later she's (almost) as much into it as I am, and quite often takes initiative herself.
So do find the right moment to start talking about it, find an icebreaker (magazine with an article, website), and use that as an excuse to talk (and keep talking)

[DarkVoyuer]

Originally Posted by belgiumcoast

It was a though one... We had a rather difficult time behind our back and I (male) was eager to start swinging. Though during that hard time we learned to communicate really well, but I was also 200% sure that my wife was NOT into swinging so how could I bring up the subject without getting a NO...
One night she was ready a 'ladies magazine' in which there was an article about swinging, and even though that was an open door I still didn't dare to start a conversation on swinging. When she slept I read the article and it was quite positive so I hoped she had read it. A few days later I stumbled across an online enquiry on how people look at nudity, sex, faithfulness in a relationship, swinging and decided to send this URL to her and to talk about the results of it. As I expected she said NO to swinging (NEVER), when we compared our results. I had entered YES so we could start talking about this. I referred to the article in the magazine but she was still very negative about it. It actually took us 5 months before she entered a swinging club (after that we went about every 2 months to that club), and another 9 months before we had sexual contact with another couple. During those 13 months we talked a lot about it and she gradually shifted to become more open. Now 4-5 years later she's (almost) as much into it as I am, and quite often takes initiative herself.
So do find the right moment to start talking about it, find an icebreaker (magazine with an article, website), and use that as an excuse to talk (and keep talking)

Thanks for the response. What were some of her concerns? Why do you think she was resistant to swinging in the first place? Do you think she was concerned people may think she was a whore?

[LagniappeDC]

Very early in our relationship we had watched episodes of HBO's Real Sex where topics of swinging came up from time to time along with other alternative lifestyles. We were big fans of the show and found them quite erotic. But we never actually discussed specifically whether we wanted to swing or not. At that point, much more fantasy than reality. Fast forward many years after we had our first child and I came across an ad for an off-premise club in our area. I held on to that ad for many a while before getting up the nerve to ask about her interest in attending. My main concern was that she think that I wasn't satisfied with our sex life, level of intimacy, etc -- though nothing could have been farther from the truth.

The actual conversation is a bit of a blur (almost 9 years ago now), but it went quite well. A BelgiumCoast referenced, bringing it up in the context of an article, show, etc really helps. I referenced the shows we used to watch and discussed it more in the context of wouldn't it be interesting to actually experience what it is like vs. saying, hey, let's go play with another couple.

I was very neutral, and not pushy in the least. I gave her plenty of time to think about it. We looked at the website of the club together several times as well. Finally after many weeks we decided to go. It was a nerve wracking experience to say the least! But we ended up having fun, meeting some nice couples. After a few weeks we ended up having same room (no swap) experiences with a couple of couples.

Long story short...it took a while to proceed beyond that due to more kids, busy lives, etc...but now we are having a great time and continuing to take things at our pace and always talking!

[DarkVoyuer]

Originally Posted by LagniappeDC

Very early in our relationship we had watched episodes of HBO's Real Sex where topics of swinging came up from time to time along with other alternative lifestyles. We were big fans of the show and found them quite erotic. But we never actually discussed specifically whether we wanted to swing or not. At that point, much more fantasy than reality. Fast forward many years after we had our first child and I came across an ad for an off-premise club in our area. I held on to that ad for many a while before getting up the nerve to ask about her interest in attending. My main concern was that she think that I wasn't satisfied with our sex life, level of intimacy, etc -- though nothing could have been farther from the truth.

Were you concerned that she also might become jealous? Were you the type of couple who could share sexual fantasies regarding other people? This is fascinating. BTW I am not a dude who is trying to get my wife into the game. Actually, I am single but this fascinating.

The actual conversation is a bit of a blur (almost 9 years ago now), but it went quite well. A BelgiumCoast referenced, bringing it up in the context of an article, show, etc really helps.

What you are saying is that you can not be direct about swinging when you bring it up with the other partner? It sounds similar to many sales tactics that salespersons use.

I referenced the shows we used to watch and discussed it more in the context of wouldn't it be interesting to actually experience what it is like vs. saying, hey, let's go play with another couple.

Man, if I were in your shoes this would be very challenging to me. I wish you could recall some the details on how you go about doing this. It seems to me that you have to have some very solid communication skills. I think romantic relationships can be the most challenging area in communicating with another human being.

I was very neutral, and not pushy in the least. I gave her plenty of time to think about it. We looked at the website of the club together several times as well. Finally after many weeks we decided to go. It was a nerve wracking experience to say the least! But we ended up having fun, meeting some nice couples. After a few weeks we ended up having same room (no swap) experiences with a couple of couples.

I am curious to find out why you thought she may have the capacity to become a swinger.

[LagniappeDC]

Lots of questions, that I'll try to sum up with an answer that you hit on. We had and do have good communication skills and a relationship built on a solid foundation. Both, we feel, are key to being able to venture into the lifestyle and have a good time and overcome things like potential jealousy, the times one of us crosses boundaries (usually me, lol), etc. Indeed, I think being in the lifestyle has strengthened our relationship in many ways - being more open, learning how to have complicated conversations, being more sexual, expressing our fantasies, etc.

[couplers]

Hi, this is Petra. It's more of a poly, not a swinging situation, but it started after I broke up with my fiance, Red, and started dating David, who was to become my husband. Although Red and I had started living separately, we still saw each other regularly and continued to have sex. As David and I became more serious and started sleeping together, I told myself that I was just "transitioning" from Red and would stop seeing him.


Instead we had "The Conversation," which was short and pretty one-sided. David said to me, "If you're still sleeping with Red, I want you to know that I'm cool with it." I said, "OK," and kept on having sex with the two best men in the world.


Not only could I continue to see the man I still had feeling for, but David showed himself to be my best friend ever. He lets me talk (or not) about my feelings, the sex, anything that I need to talk about. Liberating me like that makes me want to hold closer to him than anything.

[Alura]

It was in 1980 in Germany, around Easter. I had ridden my motorcycle from Wiesbaden, where I lived, to Stuttgart and through mountains to Nürnberg where I was scheduled to have my second date with Laura. In Germany's only (at the time) Mexican Restaurant we met an American couple who invited us to their place. The four of us ended up naked on their bed, Laura being "it" for a triple-massage. We didn't carry through on a swap, both of us wanting to talk about the idea first.

We had established immediate communication on our first date the week before and had promised each other that we would never become angry because a question was asked. Then we had made love for a couple of hours.

The ride to Laura's place, and for a long time afterward, was filled with talks about sexual mores. Laura's first direct words about swinging were, "It sounds like a lot of fun to me!"

We never saw the Nürnberg couple again, who (we decided too late) we wished we'd have fucked. Three years later, back here in Oklahoma, we connected with a couple with whom we played for several years.

Damn! How I miss her!!

Alura

[Brian and Jo]

We had been married for about ten years and had fallen into a bit of a rut sexually speaking. Both of us had had a couple of brief affairs plus in Jo's case a longer one with the husband of our best friends. Neither of us were particularly concerned when we found out and agreed that we could continue to operate this way provided we were both open and honest with each other. We were talking one evening and the subject of wife-swapping (yes it was that long ago) came up. We agreed that it might be fun if we sought our sexual variety together rather than separately. So we put an ad in the personal column of the local paper, met and played with two couples who responded to our ad and the rest, as they say, is history.

[willyoats]

We got married in the old days when there wasn't much sleeping around. We were each other's first and only. Once, when we were talking about how much the sex scene had changed, I casually remarked that I didn't want to go to my grave without screwing another woman. She said, "OK." And that was that. I found a great club to get started in, and we have had a wonderful time having sex with a lot of really fun people.

History: part of the reason she was so quick to agree is that, back in the darkest days of our marriage, we had given each other permission to experiment. She did, which proved to her that she really wanted to stay married ot me and work out the problems. However, it also taught her that an affair, with all the sneaking around and deception , is a really lousy way to get sex on the side.

So, when I wanted to swing so that it would be much easier for me to find willing casual partners, she 1) believed is was my turn to have other partners, and 2) thought swinging was preferable to trying to have an affair. The only caveat was that if I did it, so would she! OK with me.

If you are married to the right woman and the circumstances are right: NO PROBLEMO.

[GerdOEvert]

We were like the last post.

I asked Eileen if she wanted to swing, and she said "No" Firmly.

But then she went on another TDY to Virginia Beach and she
was there for three weeks. She seduced a Catholic Priest
who was there on vacation. She met him at the beach and the
fooled around and came back to the motel for more sex.

Well, when she came back to DC she felt guilty and told me
about it but said, "Well, we might as well try swinging." We
did, and played for five or six years until we had kids.

Then, after our kids were in their teens, She suggested we
swing again. We did, but now do less. I wish we could have
found a group of about six couples plus a few singles that
were like us.

One unusual thing that Eileen did was to Swing without me
but with another partner, Ben, while I was out of town. I
was ok with that. In the second phase of our swinging
she played with a work groups the stretched massage into
sex.

We also had a number of MMF which she enjoyed. I wish we
had some FFMs at one place or anther but we never did.

It was fun. I hate to admit it but I loved eating creme pie
beforer we went to sleep, or just after she had been filled.
Sexy.

Otto & Eileen

[swmocouple]

Ours was a simple situation really...

When we started dating, I found out he was not as experienced as I was, which came as a shock to me. He was the one that brought up having a threesome with another guy, and we discussed who we thought would be fun. He had a good friend that was just out of a relationship, that was trying to sleep with anyone he could, and when he mentioned him, I knew I was into it (he was kinda cute) Two weeks later it happened...we walked home from a party together, and I had sex with his friend, and then my future husband.

We talked about it happening again, and even talked about bringing in another woman, but every time we tried it ended up failing. We stopped talking about it and stopped trying, and eventually got married.

We have just started talking about it again, and we are hopefully looking to re-start our fetish..

[CandLinPC]

My wife and I might be the exception to the rule here. About a year ago, she was put on a medication for anxiety; one that is well known for decreasing libido, although neither of us knew it at the time. Our sex life dwindled down to about once a month, and I had just reconnected with a high school female friend that I knew was game for some sex. It quickly got very hard to stay faithful, and since I have scruples, I knew that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I cheated.

My wife is a public school science teacher, and her brain likes to follow the "scientific method" for experiments: theory, hypothesis, testing. She is not your average woman, and has a very neutral outlook on many things. In fact, currently, she can't tell me if she thinks she will have a jealous reaction during play. I guess I just have to wait for the experiment to unfold. Around January of this year, I started listening to the Sex Is Fun podcast, and started opening the sexual dialogue between us, making sure that we both knew we could confide without the other reacting badly.

In March, my difficulties with fidelity were near a fever pitch, and I decided to confide in my wife so that she could understand my problem and help me overcome it. After I said my piece, she thanked me for being honest, and told me she was proud that I came to her instead of bottling it up and self-destructing. She then said that we could try some soft-swap or full-swap, and I was absolutely floored.

I had no idea that these words were even in her vocabulary, and in fact, non-monogamy of any sort was squarely off the table in early February when we both filled out SiF's Sexual Inventory sheet, which is a great ice-breaker for talking about what kinks or fantasies you might want, but are too afraid to communicate.

I spent the next ten minutes alternating between "Are you sure?" and "I never knew you even knew those terms!"

In the following weeks, we talked about it a lot more. I wanted to make absolutely sure that she was really into the idea, and not just doing it so that I wouldn't cheat. I asked her that maybe 75 times in 5 weeks. Since the first talk, I've read 2 books (Taormino's Opening Up, and Julie's own Swinger Manual) and spent many many hours reading websites and listening to podcasts. I'm an information whore if you can't tell.

So far, we haven't met or played with anybody, but we are testing the waters twice in the next 3 weeks, so hopefully the luck stays with me.

**Again about the rule. Don't start swinging to FIX a BAD relationship. I don't think I necessarily broke this rule, rather I came to my wife with a problem and this was the solution she offered, and I made sure that she is really into the idea.

[JustNTerested]

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. About 6-9 months ago while "in the act" I made the comment that I would like to see her with another man. I fantasized about while making love to her and voiced every fleeding thought that went thru my head about it. This was a major turn on and excited me to the point of orgasm. Afterward, we were laying in the bed talking about it and I told her again that this is what I wanted. She looked at me and asked for clarification that "why would you be okay with me having another man?" I told her that I would love to see her being pleased by someone else. This went on for several months and we actually had an indepth conversation about it one night while we were out on a date. This is where she started realizing that I didn't have a problem with it. She started dressing sexy for work and when we went out. From time to time, this would come up and my story never changed and I actually encouraged her. She could not believe it. She would tell me that she would do it while we were having sex and she seen what a turn on this was for me as I would orgasm at that moment.

She started looking harder and finally found someone that we both know. She needed "get to know him time" which consisted of meeting him at different locations just to talk. One thing led to another and here we are. They have been together a few times as one on one and she would bring "him" back inside her and while it wasn't what I expected, it was great sex. Now, we have had our first 3-some and it was great. Time was an issue so it didn't last but a few hours but we've already made plans for another and time is not an issue. She still wants one on one time which I'm fine with.

She knew from the beginning that we had to have open communications and talk things out. I will say that for the past few weeks, we've had our arguments over misunderstandings and not knowing what the other is feeling as we've tried to "hide" them for fear that this may not work out when in fact, we've had our discussions and it has. It's great. We're still learning and we talk almost EVERY night about it so that our communications link is open.

Our marriage was strong going into this but has only grown stronger in the past few weeks. Not that I have loved my wife any less while we have been married but it's made me realize just how much I DO love me wife and that I can't take her for granite. NO, this is not for a weak or marriage that is in trouble. Don't do it if that is the case. You will only sink the ship faster giving you less time to work things out.