How Many Social Meets Do You Have?

spiritualuk · 03-06-2010, 06:42 PM

I have been exploring this lifestyle for sometime now (over 10 years) and have often found people are willing to rush into things rather quickly, for example some singles / couples will be wanting sex on the first meet, or even the second, which often leads into rushed, nervous and unsure encounters and creates further problems down the line, so wouldn’t it prove better, safer and more logical to get to know them better as friends first? In my experience it has, and think a lot people rush into the sexual side of things and virtually forget about the friendship and social side.

So what are your thoughts?
How many social meets do you like to have?
Is it better to get to know people more as friends first?
Do you think people should have more social meetings?
Do you think more social meetings would make things go smoother?

Spiritual x

**TNT** · 03-06-2010, 09:12 PM

I think it all depends on what it is you're wanting to get out of swinging.

If you're a couple/single that is wanting to make friends first before playing, then I suppose getting to know them better and having more social meetings before you play would/could make things go smoother.

If you're a couple/single who is into swinging to have sex, then what's the point of taking it slow and making friends first? It's been our experience that you can "friend" yourself out of a good sexual encounter.

For us, we're in swinging to have sex with others. Friendship is optional. It's great when it happens, but it's not necessary. We've made numerous life-long friends through swinging; some, we still have sex with, others we don't.

We've had sex on the first meet and no problems arose. All involved were on the same page in knowing that it most likely was a one-time thing and we might or might not see each other and/or play again. Considering the fact that most of our playing is done at house parties, the chance of meeting someone and having sex immediately is extremely high. Hell, we've even had sex with people we didn't know their names until after the fact.

Again, it's all dependent upon what it is you want out of swinging. Friends first then play or play first and if friendship occurs great.

Teresa

exploringRM · 03-06-2010, 11:41 PM

when we started swinging (about 1.5 years ago), we thought that friends first was the way to do things. That did not last long as it is alot of work to find people that you think are going to be compatible beyond the sexual attraction. We now spend some time getting to know a couple, email, chat, talking at a club or party and then if everyone is comfortable we will play on on a first meeting. For us swinging is about swapping for sex, not looking for people to hang out with. That being said, we've have made a number of good friends meeting people in this way. Sex first, pehaps friends later is the way we go.

So to answer your questions specifically:

How many social meets do you like to have?
One

Is it better to get to know people more as friends first?
No

Do you think people should have more social meetings?
No

Do you think more social meetings would make things go smoother?
Not for us.

**LFM2** · 03-07-2010, 08:09 PM

Teresa said it perfectly. We're not really into making friends. If it happens, it happens but it isn't a requirement.

I also admit that we've had sex with people on first "dates". That just happens as well. As long as everyone is on the same page and boundaries are known. Sometimes when we get to "know" a person, the attraction is lessened and often subsides to the point that we don't want to have sex then, but remain great friends.

We too swing to have hot sex with others. It's our whole objective.

N8ture Girl · 03-07-2010, 08:53 PM

with all the above.

We dont have a lot of free time, so if we all have a sexual connection and if its there on the first meet then why postpone the fun?

Newpants · 03-08-2010, 08:08 AM

We have some friends in the lifestyle that would make most nuns and priests seem like a bunch of wild sex maniacs and we have some other friends that are super hardcore and host parties that most pornstars would run in fear of. When you talk to each of those couples the exact same words come out of their mouths. They both talk about how selective they are and how important it is for them to be friends first and that they need to be comfortable and that they won't just jump into bed with anyone.

The hardcores go to bed with probably hundreds of people a year and the squeemish couple probably have never full swapped in several years but they both say exactly the same things and they are both sincere and honest when they say it.

The difference between the two is not in the content of what they need before they play, the difference is in the degree to which they need it. Both require a level of attraction, connection and comfort before they can play with someone, the difference is one couple needs 6 months of weekly dinners, card games and vacations together before they have that comfort and the hardcores need about 15 minutes of chit-chat at a party before they can play.

Niether is right or wrong in their approach. both couples are great people and are very nice and respectfull. Both treat people with dignity and respect. Both couples say the sex is better if there is some kind of personal connection and friendship. Where they differ is how they acheive that level of connection.

When we first started swinging we told ourselves that we would have to be "friends first" and that we would have to "get to know then" and we still feel that way. However what we consider 'friendship' and 'knowing' someone has changed a lot over time.

To answer your questions as it pertaines to us specifically -

#1. It may take us weeks to arrainge a first meet and God only knows how long before a second so we would prefer to play on the first meet and preferably be done before 2 in the morning.

#2. that all depends on what you consider friends. If we find them attractive and we all have some kind of sexually chemistry and if we feel safe enough that they aren't ax-murders and will respect our rules and boundries then we consider them "lifestyle friends" and will play with them.

#3. No. IMHO people should have LESS social meetings unless you have the time to burn and you actually enjoy the social intercourse (I'll explain that more in #4)

#4. Again, NO. We have played with some people after knowing them and going out with them for a couple years and we have played with people within the hour of first meeting them and there is virtually NO DIFFERENCE in the enjoyment or the "smoothness" of the sexual experience. In fact if anything the sex is hotter and less inhibited with people you have less of a social investment with because the focus is on the sex and you aren't worried about how things will affect your friendship or what they will think of you afterwards.

And I will also add that many of the complications, hurt feelings and dramas in the lifestyle do not come from the sex but rather from the emotional, personal and social complexities that come from trying to be "friends" with people and trying to have an ongoing social/personal relationship with them.

Now I am not knocking frienships and we do have people we consider actual friends and if you enjoy the social pursuits then by all means knock yourself out. But IMHO sexuality and social connection are two completely different concepts and are on two different wavelengths and they are not really related to each other.

The two can coexist but the reality is you can have just as good of sex with someone you have just met as long as the attraction, chemistry and comfort are there. its just that some people can do that in an hour and some people reguire a year or more. The real challenge with everyone is finding the right people that you mesh with and that is the challenge whether you are a hardcore or a lightweight.

ALilOEverything · 03-08-2010, 10:28 AM

It depends on how things progress. We prefer to go with the natural flow of things and are open to just seizing the moment. If that first night there is chemistry flowing everywhere, why wait? Sometimes the flow is a more gradual build up and that can be awesome too. I prefer to not plan too much and just roll with it. Back when we met people online we never played the first night, mostly just because that was how it progressed. I like the socials better, they set a more natural pace for us.

SecretAsianMan · 03-08-2010, 02:04 PM

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