What do we do to fix this? Performance Anxiety

[livinitup77]

We are new to this. have had an awesome time flirting laughing foreplay but when it comes to the main event dh can't get it up. is this normal. I've asked if he's really ok with the whole swinging thing and he's really loving it. loves watching me. first time we thought it was because he drank to much so the next time he didn't drink. Yes we are still newbs. really want to both screw but jeez this is making it hard. any tips? he was very attracted to both women. and remembering this happend to us the first time we ever tried to hook up. what do we call it? stage fright? we thought of getting viagra before we go out but then if we don't play he migbht be in pain or hard as a rock for me all night. were a young couple and he never has this issue at home. he chases me around with a hard cock constantly. HELP!!

[DE_BBC]

are you talking about a same room type situation?
It could be just as you said..."stage fright".
A lot of guys experience this when having sex in front of others for the first time....hell, a lot of guys can't perform in front of others, this is why you see the same guys over and over in porn films. I had a similar issue the first time I was with a woman in front of her husband...it didn't help that it was being recorded for her web-site...but I got over it, and now I can perform in front of anyone..anytime.

I would suggest trying to help him get it up without pharmacutical help first.

[exploringRM]

I'm a bit older (almost 50) and I've had issues at times getting it up maybe 3 times out of 20 so far. Sometimes it due to being too tired...as in doing too much around saturday afternoon (yard work, cycling, etc) and then trying to play at 1AM..just tuff. Too much to drink, though I stop at about two drinks now. Distracted as in people watching, or too much going on around us (as in a previous poster suggesting separate rooms)...or just plain nervous.

[slevin]

A few things that have helped me:

- Don't have sex or masturbate for a few days before your swinging encounter...no matter how horny or excited you both might be.
- Get him some Viagra or Cialis etc.
- Drink lots of water over those few days, eat lots of protein, get lots of sleep

I'm a youngish guy too, but after a swinging encounter where I had a bit of trouble getting hard I went to see my doctor and just told her that I was having some issues at home and after some medical questions and checks to make sure I wasn't having any heart problems I walked away with a Cialis prescription. I don't generally use it, but it's there if I need it which is really all I wanted it for. So he shouldn't feel uncomfortable about bringing it up. Hell, on some weekends when we're both home with no obligations I've popped one anyway just for fun lol.

[tiger4play]

Yes...this is normal. Actually for M and F swingers..... it is really hard to concentrate sometimes with so much going on around you both while trying to play. Hubbie and I were at a club recently and during 6 or 7 hours of on-and-off play we each had trouble for one reason or another reaching an orgasm. People talking loudly while being voyeurs, got too hot in the room, and not feeling comfortable with the other players.
I agree with DE BBC.... don't go to drugs just yet. Give it a few more tries and abstain a couple of days prior to playing and see if it doesn't improve naturally. Once you get comfortable and are excited, it should help a lot.
Also, try and experience activities you enjoy when you are home at the party i.e. videos, watching others play, flirt or experience foreplay more intensely prior to wanting to have sex. In other words, make yourself as horny as possible then give it a try.... might work! I know it would with me!

[Trace Ekies]

This sounds like a classic case of him putting too much pressure on himself. I've been there and done that on a couple of occasions and it took some clear thinking to understand that my partner or partners were there for fun too and the pressure being applied was of my own doing.

Tell him to remember that this is fun...performance is not the point...fun is the point and that he should do what's fun...his partner or partners will appreciate it as much or more than he will.

If he'll take the time to search this board he'll find that women love small and large penises, guys that can hammer away for hours and guys who use lots of foreplay and finish with a short, but effective, screw and all things in between. In short, there's something for everybody.

Once I got through my worries I found a couple of things. 1. Foreplay is King (this is especially nice for a me as I'm a quick cummer who only gets one). 2. Foreplay can be very effective when spread over the whole experience...not just the beginning as the word foreplay suggests. I have not found one woman who would suggest otherwise.

Once he's come to this realization he'll be so busy licking, fingering, rubbing, getting her in a position so SHE can watch, sucking, fingering, licking and playing with titties that he'll be a freak, standing at attention ready to go to battle.

And this is what Mrs. Ekies and I call fun.

Trace

[midnightplayer]

I totally agree with Slevin and his recommendations. The only thing I would add is to get 10mg Cialis, and cut them in half. Most guys only need 5mg to make things really work. Take on half tablet the night before play and let it beging to work and then take the other half an hour before meeting the couple or the party. That should suppliment the first half and you should have no trouble performing at your peak leve. Good Luck

[swinger5]

My husband has had the very same problem. I wouldn't waste your time with the viagra, levitra or the cialis. My husband has tried all this crap and still had trouble at some point in time. Its all mental and you have to get past it. I don't think it is worth the risk of these medications, unless you really have a true problem.

[sexylady1970]

Yep, its a mental thing, I have to agree with that. The medications sometimes are more of a placebo effect than anything. Drinking and swinging are like drinking and driving...sooner or later disaster will happen. Will perfomance issues are the least of yor worries, it does happen.

I have found one little trick that seems to help more than anything. When going on a potential play date, I do what the mrs does. Go commando with loose fitting pants, For whatever reason it allows the blood to circulate more and there is less of a problem. I have nearly alway equated a performance problem to either too much alcohol or wearing something a bit too snug. Just in case I also will pop a little helper discreetly so I have all bases covered.

[dumbasarock10]

Just like everyone else says: Yes it's normal, and no it's not medical. Stage fright. Pure and simple. It happened on my first and second encounter swinging. It, for me, was just a situation I wasn't yet familiar or comfortable with. She can help too, giving a little attention and foreplay. On one such occasion, I was armed and ready. But as soon as I was ready to deploy my soldier into the bush, all motivation was lost. She just played with me, all of me. And once again, the Trooper was at attention and ready to engage. Drinking had little or no effect on it one way or the other. Here's to more successful engagements.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

I'm a bit older (almost 50) and I've had issues at times getting it up maybe 3 times out of 20 so far. Sometimes it due to being too tired...as in doing too much around saturday afternoon (yard work, cycling, etc) and then trying to play at 1AM..just tuff. Too much to drink, though I stop at about two drinks now. Distracted as in people watching, or too much going on around us (as in a previous poster suggesting separate rooms)...or just plain nervous.

I saw a few wrong answers here so I felt I had to weigh in. What exploringRM says is correct. Get rest. Drink very little or even no alcohol. Stay relaxed. You'll do fine.

~Michael

[HappyCpl]

Mr. H here..


My problem has been that I have 100 things running thru my brain at the breakfast table!! Add a couple of naked bodies, a few drinks, late night/early morning hours, and it's surprising I don't have steam shooting out my ears at playtime... I don't have problems playing with Mrs. H, but the 'pressure to perform' can be overwhelming at times.



I think I need to see a doctor soon, though. I was given a Viagra last weekend(don't worry, it wasn't slipped to me, unless you count " here swallow this" from Mrs. H..)... Oh my God!! Why didn't I try one of those sooner??!!?? I felt like Godzilla, swinging my tail around trying to knock down Tokyo with the "other" Mr. H!! We were chatting with another couple after I took it, and suddenly I experienced a head-rush like when taking an anti-histamine with ephedrine, but a bit different. After a few minutes I tugged on Mrs. H's sleeve insistently, saying " we need to go upstairs NOW!!" What an experience for the both of us..... WOW!!

[Ed & Bunny]

Originally Posted by swinger5

My husband has had the very same problem. I wouldn't waste your time with the viagra, levitra or the cialis. My husband has tried all this crap and still had trouble at some point in time. Its all mental and you have to get past it. I don't think it is worth the risk of these medications, unless you really have a true problem.

True, Viagra and all the others work well but preformance anxiety can still hit. One couple we played with the husband was taking levitra. We knew this and had high hopes the wife would recieve a great prefomance from him. Not. Even with the meds he couldnt get it up and keep it up. So the meds are not a guarentee. Now in my case without them I cant get hard to save my life, so I know they can work very well. But unless the hubby is having problems at home as well as when swapping dont waste your money on a very expensive perscription.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by SW_PA_Couple

I saw a few wrong answers here so I felt I had to weigh in. What exploringRM says is correct. Get rest. Drink very little or even no alcohol. Stay relaxed. You'll do fine.

~Michael

Wrong answers? When it comes to performance anxiety are there really wrong answers or suggestions as to what to try to get around it? The reasons for it vary per person, I can't see where any answer or suggestion can be declared absolutely right or wrong. I think assuming that alcohol is the only cause is a bit jumping.

We've dealt with this issue around here, alcohol has very little to do with it, for us/him it's more an issue of distractions (both mental and those physically in front of him - other people in the room, distracted by what's going on with me etc). The OP is going to have to do some trial and error to figure out what is causing the problem for them. Limiting alcohol is maybe a good place to start but don't assume it will automatically fix the problem, and don't get too upset if it doesn't.

[alphaplaycpl]

First of all - stop stressing about it! Every couple goes through this at some point. You are certainly not alone.

I would suggest you make sure its not something medical before you drive yourselves wacko by over-thinking the situation. If all checks out well - relax. Its probably as simple as many of the other posters have mentioned (tired, overwhelming, stage fright, etc.)

Talk about your swinging fantasies together, plan ahead, rest up, and take care of yourselves and you will be just fine.