What do we do to fix this? Performance Anxiety

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Wrong answers? When it comes to performance anxiety are there really wrong answers or suggestions as to what to try to get around it? The reasons for it vary per person, I can't see where any answer or suggestion can be declared absolutely right or wrong. I think assuming that alcohol is the only cause is a bit jumping.

We've dealt with this issue around here, alcohol has very little to do with it, for us/him it's more an issue of distractions (both mental and those physically in front of him - other people in the room, distracted by what's going on with me etc). The OP is going to have to do some trial and error to figure out what is causing the problem for them. Limiting alcohol is maybe a good place to start but don't assume it will automatically fix the problem, and don't get too upset if it doesn't.

Well, to be more specific about the wrong answers, here are the parts I perceive as not quite right: The medications sometimes are more of a placebo effect than anything. ; . . .don't go to drugs just yet. . . Drinking had little or no effect on it one way or the other. Agreed, trial and error is the strategy the OP should take. But I can personally attest that Viagra works and alcohol represses. Nurse Sue Johansen agrees with me on the alcohol thing.

I do not contend that alcohol would be a solitary factor. None of us should try to take a complex problem and offer a simple answer. Alcohol certainly does affect my performance. I arrive home, have a Manhattan, one of us becomes amorous, probability is about fifty percent that I will make it as far as fifty percent thought "the act." No Manhattan, probability rises to at least ninety percent.

To offer a revised evaluation, the evidence of the original message tells me that some kind of performance anxiety is the major cause. Thus my earlier advice, stay relaxed, though I will admit that this was a too simple answer. Getting a boost from a drug or removing a road block like alcohol might not reduce anxiety but will help in other ways. I think that if livinitup77's husband makes it over the hill just once in a group situation, he will achieve what he wants nearly every time.

~Michael

[JustAskJulie]

Thanks for clearing that up Micheal, I was really confused as to what you were saying were "wrong answers".

[Mr.Essex]

Slow and steady wins the race. If you aren't raring to go as soon as the clothes are doffed, use the time for foreplay. If nothing else, you'll make a far better impression than most men. Or, as a good friend of mine says...

"The object of any sexual encounter is to ensure a repeat performance. Act wisely."

[Ed & Bunny]

Originally Posted by SW_PA_Couple

I think that if livinitup77's husband makes it over the hill just once in a group situation, he will achieve what he wants nearly every time.

~Michael

Confidence does go a long way. Earlier in life I had issues with just plain old vanilla sex. I was the didnt fit in loner type in School and never developed any confidence with sex. All it took was and older girlfriend with great patience and my problems were over. After we parted ways I was like a kid with a new toy playing with any and all I could without any problems.

[MrsPandMe]

Hehe.. Well, looks like this has pretty well been covered, but I'll weigh in since this has been an issue for me from time to time. My problem is I get too "task oriented". I'll think so much about how I GOTTA get hard so we can fuck that I fixate on my dick. This pretty much guarentees performance problems. I've even had a failure to launch while on Cialis, so clearly THAT's not the problem.

Anyway, I'm going to assume that in the privacy of your own home or with your wife you're hard enough to cut diamonds, so if that's true you KNOW your stuff works. Keep that in mind when it comes to play time. You have ZERO problem setting up the equipment there, so what's the difference here? Another exercise I've found helps is if Richard isn't cooperating forget about him for a little bit. Shrug, snicker, say something coy and go to plan 'B'! Once you get involved with a little oral or watching you might find that your ignoring the problem will get 'ole Willy jealous of being left out and he'll join the party! As Dimone would say, "no matter what happens, your toes are still tappin'"!

Point is, don't overthink the problem. Concentrate solely on how it feels to touch yourself, or your partner touching you. You don't care if it gets hard or not, just that it feels good. Erections are almost completely autonomous, so there's very few people out there over the age of 25 who can simply stare at their dick and it gets hard (lucky bastards they are, eh?!).

Me

[Mr. Truelove]

I've had a couple instances of performance anxiety. I chalk it up to so many things going on at once. My mind goes a 100 miles an hour most the day anyway. So it gets even worse at playtime.

I tried Cialis. Wow! It has a noticeable effect for me in rebound, duration, ease of erection, and I think hardness. Talking to the doctor about it was a little nerve racking, because I am somewhat young and he questioned why I felt I needed it. So I explained the situations we get in and how nervous I get and he said okay to try it.

I'd like to think I'm going to use it just as a crutch until I am not so nervous but I don't know. It's a lot of fun.

[CnD4evr]

Since we are still pretty new to the scene it helps to give yourself a boost that you won't have to worry about stage fright the entire night if you used any ED product. Works for me just fine and i feel there is nothing wrong with it for now. Just my 2 cents.

[Rackir]

Hey there. Count me in as well as one who has had a few cases of stage fright in the playtime scenario. As you surely know by now, it's not uncommon at all, and there are a wide number of contributing factors to it.

To name just a few, the physical; exhaustion, stress, age and diet are all contributing factors to vaso-constriction (a hard-ons worst enemy). Alcohol is also vaso-constrictor, though it may help combat the stress factor, the key there is use mildly.


And lets not forget about the good old sub-conscious (the hard-on's #2 enemy). Let's face it, most guys have been trying their entire lives to please a single woman, add a second one and the pressure is bound to mount, whatever logic tells you to the contrary (BTW, the logic is right, that subC is just fucking with you). Similarly guys have been using one another’s sexual prowess as tools for mocking, derision and insulting of one another from the age of 5 on up. Add another guy in the room, and it may seem that it's put up or shut up time. Again, that’s just that subC fucking with ya, logic will give you good advice, but still that stupid subC will try to have it's way.

And of course there’s just the newness of the situation. We humans are critters of operant conditioning. We get used to certain stimuli leading to certain results. Now you're trying to achieve those same results with new stimuli.

So yeah, it's not uncommon. Hell, it's almost surprising that any of us ever manage to function at all.

So some tricks to get past all these obstacles. First off, as everyone else has said already, ease up! Take the pressure off yourself and just enjoy the experience. If you don't perform on the first encounter it's not a big deal. Take your time and enjoy the whole thing as much as possible. On your second, third or fourth encounter the newness factor will have diminished somewhat and things will start happening more naturally. The big thing here is not to let the lack of performance on the first one add to the stress of the second one (the dreaded failure cascade). The best way to do that is by making sure that even if you don’t get hard, that you thoroughly enjoy the encounter anyways.

Viagra, cialis, etc. Whether through vasodilatation or placebo effect, if it works, go with it! BTW, thanks for relating your experience with it, I am dying to try that, and going about like Godzilla with a forward facing tail sounds like a great time to me!

Here's an idea to take some of the pressure off. Next time, try finding a partner you want to see your wife with, ideally make it someone who has been in the scene long enough to now what you are going through.
Rather than plan for the threesome, plan it to be that other person and your wife, and let them know that you want to watch them, and that you may or may not join in. That way there’s no pressure on you at all. You are free to sit back, enjoy the show, and maybe play with yourself a little (back to that operant conditioning, you probably know the feel of your own hand very well, and that will help add some familiarity to the situation). Odds are it wont be long at all before you find yourself involved and ready to go! And if you don't, that’s okay too, you had a great memorable experience that you and your wife can bring back to your bedroom with you, which on it's own will help combat the familiarity issue.

Hope that helps in some way, good luck and don't be too hard on yourself (pun intended). Give it a couple of go's, have fun, and everything will do what it's supposed to do.