Too many rules?

[swvacouplelookn]

While we always respect every rule and boundary another playmate or couple has, we tend to shy away from people who have developed a laundry list of rules and conditions for playing. It's not that we don't want to be bound by others' rules or anything like that. The problem for us is that we perceive someone with so many rules to be too likely to be offended in the course of other things that are seemingly within their boundaries. We just shy away from them because we always wonder what issues this couple or person might have deep down. Right or wrong that's just the way we are. Anybody else in here have the same attitude?

[rpu3]

I have the same attitude that I too shy away from those with a lot of rules.

My issue would be that I don't want to inadvertently break the rules, and I really don't want to be responsible for remembering any list of rules longer than three items. It shouldn't be my responsibility, so I don't accept such responsibilities.

Further, in my limited experience in playing with those with a long list, I've found that those people seem to have a long list in order to blame their playmate if their experience is less than ideal. I've found that they've considered something as having broken their rule and thus the opus isn't on them for having had a bad experience, but on their playmates. For example, there's a no kissing on the mouth rule, and a kiss on the neck is now considered having broken that rule and that becomes the playmates' fault. My limited experience with "laundry-list couples" has shown that those with an extensive list of rules are those that probably aren't equipped to swing yet.

[The Fuse]

I agree with rpu3 -- a long list of rules means problems are likely, and the potential playmates aren't really ready to swing. If the rules were based on physical limitations, I'd say maybe that would be an exception.

[exploringRM]

We would be reluctant to be with a couple with a lot of rules as well. But while reading this I realized that we've never really talked about rules with a couple. Everyone we've encountered was into full swap and other than condom requirements we've never encountered a no, don't go there situation. Most of our encounters with couples have started with an online contact, both of us attending the same event, let's get to know each other, etc. I typically check the online profile for anything that would make us say no: no kissing, girls play together but guy can't play with girl, etc. And if the couple is on the soft swap side, understanding how far they want to go...at least some swapping, lol.

[good times]

Yep, we agree, the longer a couples list of rules are, the less fun they will be, and the more likely it is to end in drama. We have found that a long list of rules is usually a sign of major insecurities by one or both of the partners.

[JoCoCpl]

We're in agreement also. When we were first talking about joining the lifestyle, we began to make a list of our own rules. As we talked more and more, the list became smaller and smaller. Part of this was because we talked a LONG time before we jumped in, playing through each possible scenario that we could come up with. As we were truly ready to join in, we found that we really only had one or two steadfast rules. Everything else revolves around our own communication.

I got long-winded and off on a tangent (sorry!), but basically I'm in agreement with others -- long lists scare us away from potential playmates. We don't want to walk on eggshells, and we want to be sure (if they are new) that they are truly ready for the adventure.

[JipiNat]

We avoid "rule addicts" too

....One rule for both of us .... respect

[AshNFiona]

We have one rule only. We go by whatever Fiona and the other guy agree between themselves, and whatever I and the other lady agree between ourselves.

[JTcamp05]

Reminds me of playing with a "no kissing" couple.......as one who would always respect other rules I was parinoid that I may kiss her....I kept thinking ok ok no kissing.....then afterwords she walked over and gave me the longest wettest kiss you could imagine..... I just don't get it.... why make silly little rules anyway!

[HappyCpl]

+1...


Mrs. H and I have only 2 rules for us: 'Not Without Me' and 'Not Without My Permission.'


Other than that, we like to see where things lead...

[realcplub2]

Rules are fine, so long as they are clearly defined

We hate like hell when in the middle of everything the Ref pops out and blows a whistle..

"FLAG ON THE PLAY... Encroatchment... "

Only thing worse is Roughing the passer..

And of course she loves it when there are too many men on the field...

[Rackir]

If the rule list were so long that I would catch myself doing the mental check list of approved behavior ever time I moved, I think we would have to gracefully decline. Similarly a no kissing rule would probably just turn me off from the start.

Some rules though, clearly delineated, no problem. Though I might be tempted to get into a discussion with the couple trying to explore their reasons for each and every rule, which most people would probably take offense to.

[red96]

We have kept it pretty simple so we don't forget our own rules!

[Sunswept]

Originally Posted by red96

We have kept it pretty simple so we don't forget our own rules!

Yes, and this gets more important the older you get...

For new people, I think rules are a really good thing. They provide a structure upon which to hang discussions about things they have never really even thought about before! They function as a beginning point for exploring BOTH what they want, and also personal boundaries and it may be the first time they have ever outlined the boundaries of their relationship in any serious specific ways.

I think as people gain experience, unless they are not emotionally ready yet, or are total control freaks, or just too immature, the list of rules gets distilled down into more fundamental forms. As the initiated experience the epiphany of honest communication with others about desires and wants, lists of rules morph into a few preferences which may even be dynamic but that are communicated about directly, naturally, organically and even playfully as a part of meeting people.

For me, beginners with no or too few rules are a red flag.

But 'experienced' people with a laundry list of rules are a red flag too, "Where there be long lists of rules, there be drama!"