MFM Threesome: Is he showing genuine consideration of our kissing boundaries?

[swvacouplelookn]

Wife and I have discussed an MFM with someone she had a solo playdate with recently. Actually, we had been with this man and his wife once previously as well. So, we're all familiar with each other, etc.

The solo playdate was really more of a one time thing. We have decided we will only play together from here on out, not because of anything negative from the playdate, just because we realized we always want to be together.

So having enjoyed this man's company, my wife asked him if he'd want to participate in an MFM. He said that he would definitely want to do that. He then asked what I considered a bit of an off question. (Keep in mind that they enjoyed quite a bit of kissing and making out on their solo date.) He asked her if I would be comfortable seeing them kiss that much when we're all 3 together.

Now that might have been a simple innocent question, but it really rubs me the wrong way. To me, it implies that he feels they did something on their solo date that I wouldn't have approved. My wife and I both enjoy lots of kissing and foreplay with others, and I have seen the two of them together as well. So, I am a little puzzled by his question. I feel like there are three likely reasons he asked this:

1. He is expressing genuine consideration for my feelings (albeit he has kissed her quite a bit when we were all together).

2. He feels guilty like they did something HE wouldn't have approved of with his wife and a solo playdate in kissing so much, etc.

3. He may not be so much into the MFM, rather would want to have her by himself. He has definitely expressed interest in having her again!

What do you guys think? It may very well be silly of me to question this, but I just have a weird instinct or something. It just struck me as a very odd question from him.

[The Fuse]

Interesting post.

One thing I've learned is that we can never know what's going on in someone else's mind. This goes doubly for swinging: we never know what's happening in someone else's relationship.

It's quite possible that your friend had an experience that has nothing to do with you and your wife, where the other husband didn't like him kissing his wife that much. I've definitely had that happen: I was a "cuddle kissy bunny" (other wife's expression) with a playmate. It turns out that he doesn't get as much kissing and cuddling from her as he would like, and she didn't like seeing him be quite so affectionate with me. And then it turned out that my own husband wasn't that keen on seeing that either, when he wasn't getting it from Mrs. Playmate. He waited until our friends had left after spending a solid week with us, to let me know that. Boy, did that annoy me. If he had told me while we were all together, I could have easily backed off a bit.

(Sorry... got sidetracked there for a minute)

My point is that it might have been a prior experience that is leading your friend to ask you that question. Or it could be any of the possible reasons you listed in your OP. Or... it could be something else entirely, something neither you nor any of us could guess.

Which is why, if the question strikes you as odd and you have a funny feeling, you should ask him about it directly. It doesn't have to be a confrontation. Just "hey, you asked about x and I was wondering why you were concerned".

I am curious too. I hope you find out and let us all know .

[swvacouplelookn]

Yes, I thought about the possibility that something behind the scenes has gone on with his wife. I know she plays separately quite a bit as well. I will consider asking him outright, although I don't want him to think I'm necessarily at issue with him.

Your post raises another interesting observation, though. It seems everyone is most sensitive about something they feel they're not getting enough of at home. Another post for another thread, I'm sure...

[JustAskJulie]

The Fuse is right - the only way to know for sure is to ask him - and any time you aren't totally comfortable with something it's always a good idea to talk it out.

My first thought as I read your post was option #1, but after reading option #3 I thought that might be an option too... then I read the response from The Fuse and thought well that could be it too!

That's the problem with life, there's always a bazillion potential reasons for anything.

[cplnuswing]

I'm guess #1 with some of #3 rolled in there too. Is it possible he has concerns about finding the right balance during the MFM. He wants to play with her again, and to do that has expressed interest in the MFM (although it's perhaps not his first choice of scenarios), but now is worried about not coming on too strong during the MFM and making you feel left out.

Just reading the words on a screen, it doesn't seem like a really out there question. But, since you heard it with your own ears, if you are feeling something isn't quite right, it probably isn't. It sounds like you have at least the start of a good relationship with this couple and are comfortable with each other, so just ask and see what he says.

Good luck!

[Rhysis]

I would say talk to your wife and let your concern be known to her. Let her know that this has raised a red flag for you and talk about whether or not you guys should considering breaking ties with them. That may be a little bit extreme, but if you're becomming uncomfortable with him, it may be best if your only future playdates are as two couples.

[YZF]

After what happened the last time my wife and I had solo playdates, I can hardly wait to have another one.

[swvacouplelookn]

Originally Posted by cplnuswing

It sounds like you have at least the start of a good relationship with this couple and are comfortable with each other, so just ask and see what he says.

Well, we didn't really hit it off with her, but he and my wife clicked pretty well. That's why we entertained the idea of her separate playdate and a possible MFM.

[swvacouplelookn]

Originally Posted by Rhysis

I would say talk to your wife and let your concern be known to her. Let her know that this has raised a red flag for you and talk about whether or not you guys should considering breaking ties with them. That may be a little bit extreme, but if you're becomming uncomfortable with him, it may be best if your only future playdates are as two couples.

Yeah, my wife and I have talked about it. She's the one who brought it to my attention in the first place. This isn't so much about being comfortable with him as it is wondering where his mind is. It's an odd thing to just come out and ask him, but I'm considering doing just that.

[swvacouplelookn]

Originally Posted by YZF

After what happened the last time my wife and I had solo playdates, I can hardly wait to have another one.

Oh, they can be fun for sure! But, it just doesn't really fit in with our goal of enjoying this stuff together. I know she had fun with him previously, but she just said something was missing with my not being there to experience it with her.

[realcplub2]

I have to agree with FUSE..

Its seems he might be projecting either a expereince he was involved in or heard of.. In the OP, the man in question was part of a couple that you have both already played with.. No details were offered, as to why its now a solo, rather than a couple.. But in any case, ask directly why he asked, and go from there.

I do have one comment, and this is to the whole solo play dates thing.. and this being one of the issues that CAN come up.. when you only play as a couple, there is no wondering what happend.. you are both there..

[swvacouplelookn]

Originally Posted by realcplub2

I have to agree with FUSE..

Its seems he might be projecting either a expereince he was involved in or heard of.. In the OP, the man in question was part of a couple that you have both already played with.. No details were offered, as to why its now a solo, rather than a couple.. But in any case, ask directly why he asked, and go from there.

I do have one comment, and this is to the whole solo play dates thing.. and this being one of the issues that CAN come up.. when you only play as a couple, there is no wondering what happend.. you are both there..

There wasn't anything major that happened with the MFMF arrangement. The other woman and I just aren't really attracted to each other. The other man and my wife click very well, though. So, when I said I didn't want to play with the other woman, we decided to try this route as an option. After trying it, though, we realize we really prefer playing together only. The MFM idea was just a way for wife to get to play with him again.

The new thread title might be a little misleading. We really don't have any issues/boundaries with respect to kissing. In fact, the more the better!

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by swvacouplelookn

The new thread title might be a little misleading. We really don't have any issues/boundaries with respect to kissing. In fact, the more the better!

After much discussion it was the best we mods could come up with to adequately describe the content of your thread. Since "Odd Question" wasn't really a descriptive thread title. If you have an alternate suggestion of a title that would describe this thread adequately and that would allow others with similar issues to easily find this thread, please let me know and we'll be happy to change it again.

[swvacouplelookn]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

After much discussion it was the best we mods could come up with to adequately describe the content of your thread. Since "Odd Question" wasn't really a descriptive thread title. If you have an alternate suggestion of a title that would describe this thread adequately and that would allow others with similar issues to easily find this thread, please let me know and we'll be happy to change it again.

No, it's no problem at all. I just wanted to clarify that either way the kissing wouldn't be a problem for either of us.