Friends first or..what was your name again?

[exploringRM]

When we started swinging last fall, our plan was to find couples that we could be friends with, as well as the benefits. I think many people these days are looking for this type of swing experience. But it was a naive plan as it's not always easy to find a couple where all 4 people fit together. We have been lucky in finding 4 or 5 couples where we get along. Over the past month or so, we have had a few experiences where we were naked with people 15 minutes after we met (house parties) (what was your name again? type of encounter).

This question has been asked in other ways I think, so hopefully this is not a repeat. Do you limit your swinging to friends first, sex later? Sex first, friends later? Sex first, see ya bye..lol. And if it varies what experiences do you like the most? We done all three but the one time encounters have been fewer.

I think I like the more social encounters along with the sex, either before or after getting to know someone. But the house party type encounters are liberating as well. I either saw this on a profile or while chatting with someone but she said her husband was not looking to increase their christmas card list, lol. The friends part dos add scheduling complications if you want to maintain the relationships.

[screaminggood]

My husband is like your friend's husband....not looking for friends, just good sex. He's concerned that the dramatics will appear with any long-term relationships. While we occasionally do repeat performances with playmates who were especially good, we usually explore new territory.

[NaughtyCouple06]

personally, when my wife and i find someone to play with we tend to make a friendship out of it, but i guess you can say it is a friendship out of sex. If my wife and i decided to stop swinging, i dont think we would stay friends with the person or persons, i guess it all depends on the situtation.

When it comes to inviting a real friend into the bedroom, my wife is not down for that. She is worried about ruining the friendship and i am good with that.

[good times]

Definitely sex first, maybe friends later.

What we have found is a couple of things.

First, if we limited our playing to those that we could be friends or buddies with, we would hardly ever play. The fact is, what makes people good friends and what makes people hot sex partners, are two entirely different things. So in order for us to only have sex with those we want to be friends with, would require us to not only find someone sexually compatible, but then they would additionally need those attributes that we find important in friends. A nearly impossible requirement, in my opinion.

Second, we have found over time, having made a few friends in the lifestyle, that once we become friends we no longer desire to have sex with that couple. So if we had the requirement to be friends first we may as well quit, as, in that case, sex would probably never happen.

[LOL_OMG]

Very interesting reply from Good Times. Right now I think we are sort of floundering in the lifestyle because of some of the things GT's said. We have tried to make it friends first, and looking back think we may have missed out on some hot times with people that just wanted sex. Having said that, the hottest times we have are with each other so did we really miss out on anything? If this post sounds a bit confusing that's because it is.

An encounter we had a couple of months ago put us into a funk that we have not escaped from as of yet. We met a couple that we thought were perfect for us and had sex with them on the first meeting. After two meetings it turned into a very bad situation. What's nutz about that encounter is we could still be real life friends with them but due to the sexual aspects taking a turn for the worse that chance is somewhere between slim and none. On a good note, we have two couples that we met in 'the lifestyle' early on and cherish the fact that we met them, they are four of our best friends.

Mr. Omg

[karezza]

its difficult to maintain friendships with couples you have chance encounters with at the on prems since the odds of meeting couples who reside closeby (say in your zip code) is slim to nil because of the fact that swinging is still a rare hobby among married folks

[two4youinswva]

We're not hard and fast either way really. We've had some really good hookups that were of the meet/greet/screw within the same night variety. We've also hooked up with couples where we were friends first, and those have been good as well.

Actually, we didn't intend to become friends first with those couples, it just turned out that way. We've found that sometimes the logistics of hooking up has caused us to occasionally wait for well over a year before hooking up with a couple we have made a connection with.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

I think I like the more social encounters along with the sex, either before or after getting to know someone. But the house party type encounters are liberating as well. I either saw this on a profile or while chatting with someone but she said her husband was not looking to increase their christmas card list, lol. The friends part dos add scheduling complications if you want to maintain the relationships.

This is an excellent topic for discussion. Thanks for bringing this up.

It took a while but we eventually learned that trying to develop a friendship before having a partner swap is impractical. About three years ago we put this into our Swing Lifestyle profile and it has remained ever since, "Want enduring friendship but realize that if you expect friendship to develop before sex, you're not going to get much sex."

The couple with whom we first made an exchange more than four years ago are now wonderfully close friends AND the great sex is still there.

In a future post, maybe I will tell some stories about the down side. The advantages still outweigh the disadvantages.

~Michael

[sweet_tna]

We've run the gamut of these different approaches. The couple that introduced us to the lifestyle were good friends of ours. But not long after that, we attended our first hotel party, and it was, "Hi, nice to meet you . . . bow-chicka-wow-wow."

But what seems to happen most often with us is that we'll meet a couple, play, and end up seeing them at the same parties often enough that we become friends. As with vanilla life, some friends remain closer than others. And of course, we still have our share of "one night stands," which are definitely liberating.

=)

[PB&J]

Well, the first couple we played with... hardly knew their names before we were doin' it. And haven't seen them since. However, we are in regular contact with one couple we met over a year ago, another we met six months ago, and then there are our house party "regulars" (oooh, Saturday night can't come fast enough!). We still have a few one night stands- nothing wrong with those. And really, with a first encounter, it can go either way. You can decide there's chemistry, go for it, and then either the chemistry survives the encounter, or isn't sufficient to maintain the sexual activity. Usually the sex comes before the friendship. I'm not in the "meet a few times and then try it" camp. If we're all up for it, full steam ahead, and see what happens later.

[sereneiders]

Well... i have to say, I guess the question is in the top ten list of topics from newbies and indeed, if you search the forum, you'll find tons of answers.

When we started, we were looking for the same sort of scenario: a likeminded couple we could attach as friends before jumping into the bed. As for today, I believe this deserve to be called "wishful thinking". Let me explain you why.

Swinging is a high risk sport, much like parachute jumping: you jump in and you feel the rush, the excitement, the pleasure and the adrenaline but you need to be sure you will be able to pull the chord and that the parachute will open and that none of you will end up with the skull smashed against the ground. Too many "and"s and factors to control in such a brief moment, and worst, during that rush, and even worst... there's nothing from your current experience that helps you ensure you'd be able to control those factors.

So we take a normal approach: we look for a way to simplify the problem, to bring at least some of the issues to a realm we're already familiar with, because we suppose this improves our chances to cotrol them. And the "friends first" idea fits the mold.

However, the problem is that this supposition is wrong, it provides a false sensation of confort and, even if you were to finally jump, you'de be facing the very same risks you'd do in any other scenario. Even worst, if both parties are inexperienced, then no one dare to break the ice or to jump, and the whole thing becomes artificial.

The fact is, there's nothing from your current experience that helps you manage the risks, and in the other hand, most of the fears you have today aren't such a big deal nor real risks... but also the "friends first" approach promotes those fears and turns some of them into real risks, because you're attaching more people to your emotional life and involving them in the experience.

It's like wanting to build a plane and flight it. It may fall onto the ground, it seems unstable and jumpy, so to stabilize it you add weight and attach a grand piano on top of it fuselage. It may feel more stable for a short while (moreover when still on the ground), but the chances to fall down are improved by the grand piano, and it may even be unable to take off in the first place.

There's a motto here: "you can make friends from swingers, but you cannot make swingers from friends". It's supposed to be casual sex, very ruled, but casual at last. Even if you were "poly friendly" (up to develop a loving relationship with third ones or another couple), you'd be allways starting from the casual sex, and if you're lucky enough, you'd meet good friends.

Forget for a moment about sex. Let's supose you want to build a company to develop some project you have in your head. You look for people able to help you, or with similar ideas, hence able to complement you. Would you be asking for a "friend first" relationship? then once we all feel confortable, let's discuss business? IF you really find some up to be "friend first" (and then you should ask yourself why those guys needed your invitation and you business to HAVE friends, they don't have friends already?), you become friends and when you discuss business you (or them) realize you cannot complement each other... will you start from the scratch? what about this friendship that "turned useless" because it doesn't fit the original expectation? or, as to avoid those questions, you'd end up chosing NOT to discuss business at all?

So, when you forget about this artificial requirement for a "friends first" couple, you find yourself standing in the same place those other swingers couples already are: everyone facing the same risks, everyone having about the same fears, everyone avoiding to bring other people's drama into their lives (and beds), everyone wanting to protect themselves frombeing hurt, and everyone disliking the idea of hurting others in the process. And instead of looking for an emotional attachement to ensure the other people is indeed standing in the same place and to ensure a commitment to help preserve each other relationship, you find out it's a matter of pragmatism: they will behave much like the way you expect them to behave because they require to do so as to preserve themselves.

At last, it is true, you have to somewhow identify yourself with the other couple as to feel confident enough (moreover at the begining), but friendship isn't the only way to do it. Understanding each other with a cold blood is.

But, let me tell you this. We started wanting a "friend first" approach that made us waste about a year of time in which we didn't swing... and as for today those "friends" are no longer friends. We understood our mistake and started to socialize with swingers without imposing expectations, and we finally jumped in and it was great. We no longer were looking for "friends first", yet, as for today we've made great friends from some of those swingers. A common mindset helps a lot, indeed, but friendship develops as it does everywhere else, from school to work: some day you find yourself thinking of those guys you've meet to do something else as "friends" and you start proposing to them some other non related activity (a dinner, a movie, a beer, a vacation) and they just click with you, then you become friends. Not the other way around.

[JustAskJulie]

I think one of the worst things you can do in life is limit yourself, you lose too many opportunities.

We are open to friends with benefits, and we are open to banging the heck out of someone we just met, it all just depends on how things work out with that particular couple.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

We're not hard and fast either way really. We've had some really good hookups that were of the meet/greet/screw within the same night variety. We've also hooked up with couples where we were friends first, and those have been good as well.

Actually, we didn't intend to become friends first with those couples, it just turned out that way. We've found that sometimes the logistics of hooking up has caused us to occasionally wait for well over a year before hooking up with a couple we have made a connection with.

for us.

[Trace Ekies]

I would like to "Ditto" Julie...

Trace

[avanti2]

Hi very interesting: But wife and I have found learning more about our partners adds intenest and more confortable we become the better the sex is.
Also as we learn likes and dislikes as far as the sex goes adds to the encounter also
B & D