Tips in Seeking Friends with Benefits

[exploringRM]

I've been reading many threads in the archives on find friends in the lifestyle where you do more than just interact in the bedroom. My wife and I realize that will be difficult , but are willing to take it slow, and perhaps be choosy.

I've not seen it discussed, but it made me think of what are we looking for in other peoples profiles that make us think that we may have something in common. Same age? Not far away? Similar place in life (kids, careers, income..not trying to be snobby on the income aspect, but if we like to take a weekend away, or hit a nice restaurant it would be nice it the other couple has the means to do the same thing)? Similar interests? For those that have had success in finding friends with benefits did you find people similar to you or people that you would have never thought you'd be friends based on the profile.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

For those that have had success in finding friends with benefits did you find people similar to you or people that you would have never thought you'd be friends based on the profile.

I do consider Ted and I successful in finding friends with benefits. However, they were not met off of reading a profile. The friendship developed over months/years of spending time with them at various swinger events.

When we look at a profile, we aren't looking at it in terms of, "Hey, they'd make great friends"...we're looking at it in terms of, " They seem like they'd be fun to fuck".

I really don't think you can judge whether or not a couple/single will make a good friend/s with benefits just by reading a few words on a computer screen. Friendships develop over time and there's just no way to predict that by a profile. The best you can hope from, IMO, from reading a profile is that you might find enough in common (either physically stimulating or intellectually stimulating) to hopefully have an enjoyable night of conversation/dinner and/or play.

Now, that all being said, I'll try and answer the following as to what we look for in a profile when deciding if we want to meet someone.

I've not seen it discussed, but it made me think of what are we looking for in other peoples profiles that make us think that we may have something in common.

Age-looks-distance-is the profile well written-is the male homophobic to any degree-is the female bi-do they have any sexual hangups-was there anything written in the profile regarding hobbies, books, movies or music they enjoy.

If the above is answered in the profile and we find something we like, we'll contact them and see if they might be interested in us and take things from there.

We try and keep it simple...we're looking for sex, not friendship. If we become friends that's just a bonus but, it's not mandatory or necessary.

Teresa

[interested-05]

very good answer. A great first impression may get you in bed with them and you may have a great time. But afterwards, decide you really don't enjoy spending time with them. These become simply bed buddies, fun to party at the club with.
If you find you really connect outside the bedroom in other areas of your life, you have found the best of both worlds. These playmates become close friends.

[exploringRM]

That's about where we are, been with a few couples and have had a good time. Thought one couple was a good match, but after a few times together realize that while we enjoy spending time with them at the swing club, they are probably not a couple we have tons in common with to spend non-play time with.

When first looking at a profile, we of course take the shallow path and say, could we fuck them. (Based on the pics, my answer is yes, more than the wife's...hate it when that happens) But additionally look for common interests, age, what they are looking to get out of the lifestyle, etc. Also the wife is bi-friendly so we are also looking for couples where the FF play is not a huge part of the interaction (seems to be a minority based on what we've seen). I love to watch the wife with another woman, and she enjoys some interaction, but she's there for the guy.

We've talked and I think we're just going to move a little slower, be a little more picky. That being said, meeting a couple friday (1st meet), meet & greet saturday, probably hit a LS club next friday and meeting a new couple Saturday. So much for going slower

[TravlParty]

Join groups and more groups. As you spend time with groups who have regular parties, you will make friends. Some of them will be playmates, and some won't. We have many lifestyle friends who are not playmates, and we enjoy their company.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

I've not seen it discussed, but it made me think of what are we looking for in other peoples profiles that make us think that we may have something in common. Same age? Not far away? Similar place in life (kids, careers, income..not trying to be snobby on the income aspect, but if we like to take a weekend away, or hit a nice restaurant it would be nice it the other couple has the means to do the same thing)? Similar interests? For those that have had success in finding friends with benefits did you find people similar to you or people that you would have never thought you'd be friends based on the profile.

TNT said it the same way we see it. We've made great friends within the lifestyle and over the years looking back at all of those friends I've had, none of them ever came from an ad. I can't even recall a case where contacting someone through an ad later led to friendship (after the initial desire to fuck wore off).

To make friends you have to have some deeper connection than just an ad, you have to be able to get into their minds and hearts. In some cases you can do this over the internet, but just as in real life it takes time and a lot of communication. After you've had that back and forth online sometimes you get lucky enough that when you meet in person you find that there is an instant connection so that you know you could enjoy these people in any circumstances, anywhere. Then they go on to become friends. In other cases, I might not have had any interraction with them online and just met them in some social setting or another (whether swinging or otherwise) and discovered that we have much more in common and have that "click" that you look for in a friendship.

For me, and I know this isn't the case for everyone, if I'm going to go on to become real friends with someone, I'll have a pretty good idea of that the first time we meet. It's that ability to easily talk to each other about any topic without feeling like I have to hide a part of myself. If I feel like I have to force it, it's not going to happen.

Now all that said, when we look at ads we aren't looking to see "can we be friends with them". We are looking first to see if we'd be interested in even meeting them..... and if we are looking to meet them then it is with some intent/desire of the possibility that once we meet them we might want to have sex with them. So physical attraction, age, openness. Is their profile too negative? or close-minded (do they come off as homophobic or racist in their profile)? Do they even give any info about themselves, or does it just say "we are looking for people to fuck" or something similar. We want to meet people who think enough of themselves to try to present themselves in a way that others would find them attractive or interesting. If you don't think yourself interesting enough to have anything worth sharing, then how can anyone else find you interesting? If all you think you have to share is how you look, same thing.

[exploringRM]

Originally Posted by TravlParty

Join groups and more groups. As you spend time with groups who have regular parties, you will make friends. Some of them will be playmates, and some won't. We have many lifestyle friends who are not playmates, and we enjoy their company.

Yes, we have start doing this. We try to head to meet and greets in the area. It's always alot of fun, and typically it's not an on premise place so there's no pressure on taking things further right then and there. I'm actually growing a little frustrated on the online aspects. We have alot of fun just heading out to the club, if we meet people great, if not we still have each other!

[exploringRM]

A follow up to my own post

We went to a meet & greet last night, a local Swing Lifestyle Group had an event at an off-premise club. We had very briefly met the moderator of the group at another event, and we were invited to join the Swing Lifestyle Group. We had a good time, but we did not know anyone there, but most of the people there: 1) Knew many others 2) Came with or planned to meet other couples there. We're not wallflowers and do have fun on the dance floor and will talk to people, but it just seems difficult to break into the groups that already exist. We're comfortable with talking to another couple that is sitting by themselves, but feel intrusive trying to break into a group. I guess it's just a slow process.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

A follow up to my own post

We're not wallflowers and do have fun on the dance floor and will talk to people, but it just seems difficult to break into the groups that already exist. We're comfortable with talking to another couple that is sitting by themselves, but feel intrusive trying to break into a group. I guess it's just a slow process.

It is a slow process but one well worth the effort. I'd suggest keep going to the M&G/social/club and letting people get to know you. The more they see your face, the more comfortable they will become with you and before you know it, you'll be the ones hopefully inviting new people into the group.

Teresa

[exploringRM]

I had perhaps a realization today...Though we really want to find friends out of this lifestyle, people we can hang with and not just one night stands, when we try to meet people online thinking they might click outside of sex, we don't click on the sexual side! Only a few couples so far so no where near a valid statistical sampling, but wondering if others have experienced this. Though I don't want to sound shallow, but I'm thinking we should ask ourselves first, can we have sex with these people and then after decide, could we be friends. I'm thinking in our search for compatible people overall, we tend to be less choosy from a physical aspect thinking well maybe the total package will sway us. Had that conversation with Mrs. exploring today that she needs to really ask herself, when she sees an online photo, do I see myself entangled with the other person. She's the ultimate decision maker and I'm fine with that.

(on the other hand, I sometimes ask are we being too picky...but I think it's worth being picky to find what we really want)

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

Though I don't want to sound shallow, but I'm thinking we should ask ourselves first, can we have sex with these people and then after decide, could we be friends.

I think this is the right approach. You may be surprised at the people you meet this way. Sometimes people who don't seem like the majority of your vanilla friends in status, profession, temperament, hobbies etc. can become good friends. We find those friendships very rewarding.

Good luck. From what you have written, you seem to be going through a real evolution in your way of thinking and approaching things. Mr. Fuse and I have done that too, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, and often cluelessly. We started out meeting people almost exclusively from online ads. Now, we meet and discover chemistry with at least as many people through parties and meet and greets as we do online. Some of those people are becoming friends. Most of the time, we start out as play partners with the potential for friends, as you described above. I'll be interested to hear how you evolve from here!

[exploringRM]

I can update a little on the evolution. Part of the change in attitude in meeting people came from attending a house party recently. We didn't play with anyone as we had to leave before the fun started, but did meet several (3) couples that both the wife and I enjoyed talking too and we both felt we could move further with them given the opportunity. Since last night, email glad to meet you type emails, 2 of the 3 have expressed interest in meeting again. So lets see...time online searching profiles, emailing, chatting, subsequent meets that didn't go well..versus a party where we had fun (even without getting to the hot stuff) and 2 or 3 couples for potential future fun.

We still have some online contacts we would like to meet and these are ones were we have been tighter in choosing people that there seems to be very good attraction factor. We're also planning thee couples to meet at a local LS club, which for me takes alot of the awkwardness out of meeting at a vanilla pub.

[sweet_tna]

We generally have more success meeting people through parties and Meet & Greets versus online contacts. But either way, we approach the situation with, "do we want to have sex with them," in mind. Sometimes we meet folks we don't want to play with but end up friendly with. Sometimes we meet folks that are great to play with, but with whom we have nothing in common (other than sex). And then there are the folks that we become friends with, and that tends to evolve naturally.

=)

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

when we try to meet people online thinking they might click outside of sex, we don't click on the sexual side! Only a few couples so far so no where near a valid statistical sampling, but wondering if others have experienced this. Though I don't want to sound shallow, but I'm thinking we should ask ourselves first, can we have sex with these people and then after decide, could we be friends.

This is the approach that we take. We look first for a sexual chemistry attraction and go after that first. We've learned that if you take too long to get to the sex and friendship develops first ... there's a very high chance the sex will never happen.

Also, if the physical attraction is there and then later we decide there is no chance for more... at least we got to have some fun sex!

[exploringRM]

More of an update. Recently went to a meet and greet and through a few couples we knew, were introduced us to others and now have met a nice set of people who we feel we would enjoy spending time with (at a club, etc) and also feel there might be the oh so needed attraction. And in two weeks we are attending a hotel takeover party...wohooo!