Advice to Couples With Children

[jjtrindc]

As a couple with two small kids, it's great to get this perspective from the other side. We have a general rule about trying to exchange a few emails before meeting to try and get a general sense if we are comfortable with that couple, etc. That also gives us a chance to start exchanging potential dates so that we can find a sitter. If we are the ones taking the initiative, we'll generally say "hey, we're trying to get our sitter for X date" does that work for you?

At least from our perspective we feel a bit guilty about asking couples without kids to plan for a playdate two or three weekends down the road.

It can be a bit of a catch 22 with sitters and the lifestyle given the late nights, last minute meeting requests, making sure your sitter isn't already booked (a problem with the good ones). We are doubly challenged because we have absolutely no family around us to pitch in.

We find the kids/no kids discussion similar to any other as it relates to respect and compatibility. For any couple, tolerance of kids (or not), boundaries, vanilla commitments, body types, attitudes, etc has to be there if there is any chance of true compatibility.

If I may, I would like to throw out a website called "care.com" which has really been helpful in trying to find a sitter without going through postings at the local school or craigslist.

Indeed, we've long felt that there must be a business opportunity here. There must be a market for a baby-sitting service for lifestyle couples ...especially if you teamed up with a local club and made sure you had a team available to handle of the parents. Any partners out there???

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by jjtrindc

Indeed, we've long felt that there must be a business opportunity here. There must be a market for a baby-sitting service for lifestyle couples ...especially if you teamed up with a local club and made sure you had a team available to handle of the parents. Any partners out there???

Over the years I've seen a few clubs try to offer this service. The one thing I've learned from watching those clubs is that while it's a great idea in theory... make sure the babysitting service is offered in a seperate venue from the club... not even on the same property.

[WesternSwing]

For us, we have two teenage daughters and one elementary school child. The two teenagers know that at least one weekend night each week is ours and not to plan anything because they will be babysitting. This also goes for weekdays since they have school and we don't allow them to go out during the week anyway.

So for us, we can make definite plans. At least now. There was a time before our oldest two reached the babysitting age that we had nobody to help us out. Period. In fact, before this we didn't swing because we didn't have any life outside of the house and kids. Our kids becoming of babysitting age at the right time saved our marriage, swinging or not.

So do you wait? No. Tell them to get back with you with an exact date at least a week in advance and you'll work with them because you are interested in them. If they can't give you that then they are too wishy-washy to begin with and aren't worth your time.

Mr. WS

[TNT]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

So for those that have kids.... we all understand that you have kids... but you have to understand that everyone else can't be expected to just sit around waiting for your schedule to magically open up and for you to get a sitter, so you can let us know at the last minute. I'd dare say that most people with kids have a vague idea of when they might be able to get a sitter, many of you already have one scheduled for every other weekend or so. So if you want to actually meet people then be specific when trying to set up a date and don't just leave people hanging with this vague "we've got to get a sitter" excuse.

Good advice!

Swinging when you have children is always a balancing act. Like others, we didn't really start swinging until our oldest two were old enough to babysit the younger two and we were also lucky enough that the grandparents loved having the kids for the weekend so it made it easier for us to get away for weekend adventures.

Surprisingly, most of the people that we hung around with and played with in the beginning didn't have children. They understood that we did and that I/we were (still are) very involved parents and never took offense if we told them we couldn't go out and party because we had kid stuff to do. They also knew that we ALWAYS took one weekend a month for us and we'd schedule play dates during that weekend.

We never expected anyone to sit around and wait on us...we'd throw out dates that we knew we'd be available and hope it would match up with a date they too were available.

I will say, it's much easier now that all the kids are grown (or mostly grown). The majority of people we hang out with and play with now either don't have children or their children are grown. Hmmm, come to think of it, I don't think we have any playmates that have small children who would need to get a babysitter.

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Recently we contacted a couple that has children (their ad didn't say they had children but given the age it's a safe assumption up front). We asked if they were interested and their first reply was nothing more than "yes we are interested". So we wrote back and asked about making plans to meet for dinner or drinks and gave a basic rundown of our schedule and when we are available. They wrote back with "we'll have to line up a sitter and get back to you".

In this scenario, I would write them back and say something along the lines of "Well let us know when/if you get a sitter and if we're available we'll try to meet up" . That puts the ball in their court and lets them know that your time is also precious and you're not going to sit around and wait on them. If they write back and you want to meet...meet. If they don't write back, no big deal.


Teresa

[cari and mar]

Sounds like they handled it wrong, Julie.

Like many, we have a child. But we're very (overly?) conscience about scheduling and go out of our way to be proactive and suggest times and dates very early in the conversation.

The funny part is that we've gotten responses similar to what you got, only from the other direction (they don't have children). Trying to nail down a time and a place to meet for the first time can be like trying to pull teeth sometimes!

[BiloxiCouple]

Originally Posted by cari and mar

Sounds like they handled it wrong, Julie.

Like many, we have a child. But we're very (overly?) conscience about scheduling and go out of our way to be proactive and suggest times and dates very early in the conversation.

The funny part is that we've gotten responses similar to what you got, only from the other direction (they don't have children). Trying to nail down a time and a place to meet for the first time can be like trying to pull teeth sometimes!

Which is why I advocate that if scheduling is a major problem (like us and not because of children anymore), that you go to a club/party and do the party there. Then you won't have to worry about scheduling, babysitters or whatever. You are there to party and have a good time in a target rich environment. No re-scheduling due to conflict(s).

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by cari and mar

Sounds like they handled it wrong, Julie.

Like many, we have a child. But we're very (overly?) conscience about scheduling and go out of our way to be proactive and suggest times and dates very early in the conversation.

The funny part is that we've gotten responses similar to what you got, only from the other direction (they don't have children). Trying to nail down a time and a place to meet for the first time can be like trying to pull teeth sometimes!

Personally, I think these ones that make it virtually impossible to nail them down aren't really serious about meeting at all.

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

They wrote back with "we'll have to line up a sitter and get back to you". Ok, so when are you lining a sitter up for? Should we keep our shedules open for you for the next 3 weeks?

So my advice to those of you who have children, whether you are contacting/being contacted by another couple with kids or without... when you reply back that you need to line up a sitter, try at least give an idea of when you might be considering lining up said sitter.

So for those that have kids.... we all understand that you have kids... but you have to understand that everyone else can't be expected to just sit around waiting for your schedule to magically open up and for you to get a sitter, so you can let us know at the last minute. I'd dare say that most people with kids have a vague idea of when they might be able to get a sitter, many of you already have one scheduled for every other weekend or so. So if you want to actually meet people then be specific when trying to set up a date and don't just leave people hanging with this vague "we've got to get a sitter" excuse.

Since we are in the "still need sitter" category, we would be expecting that any of the dates you provided are still going to be good for a reasonable amount of time to do the sitter scheduling. To us, reasonable would mean two daysto get something lined up (or not) and get back to you. If it didn't work out, then it didn't work out, and we wouldn't expect someone to make their schedule fit ours.

Originally Posted by Alura

"Lining up a sitter" can be more difficult than a lot of free couples might imagine, especially if you plan to be out late. Teenagers are usually available only on weekends, and many have to be home early even then. Finding a sitter was a rare and very difficult thing for us. They may not be using their kids as an excuse at all.

I'd suggest y'all and your friends set a target date a few of weeks in the future in order to give them time to arrange for the safe care of their children. If they're able to find a "regular" it will become easier.
Mr. Alura

Yes it can be difficult, especially for being out late or overnight. True, it's easier to find a sitter just for a couple hours for dinner/drinks, but what if the stars align and it turns into something more? Who wants to go out and then when everything is going great, you have to leave to go home since you had a less than ideal sitter situation lined up? If we aren't sure we have the whole evening until midnight or so, we probably won't go.

The thing about sitters is they come and go. If you don't have any family around and are depending on teens,etc. about the time you find a good one who is available for overnight stays, doesn't cancel at the last minute, etc. they go and grow up on you and get a boyfriend, go to college, or whatever and you are back to square one.

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

The one thing I've learned from watching those clubs is that while it's a great idea in theory... make sure the babysitting service is offered in a seperate venue from the club... not even on the same property.

uh......yeah?!

[realcplub2]

Well, its an interesting debate.

It was actually easier for us when ours were smaller/younger, Because, the only schedule they had was the one we gave them.. then the teens hit..

Between Football games, Dances, plays, hanging out with friends, and being the taxi service.. Its been more of a bitch to be able to plan, three times in the past two months we were making plans to have one of our "get away weekends" only to have one or the others plans throw ours out the window..

And Spokaan.. We have the same situ here.. Note the above.. Get AWAY weekend.. even if its only a Saturday night..

We make plans, set our "dates", and when the time comes to go, we have already explained to house guests, kiddies.. even the family dog.. we are leaving at 4, and wont be home til tomorrow afternoon..

If, a "Date" goes well, there is never a question of WHERE.. Besides, given the DUI charges, and implications, we have a nice dinner somewhere, and if drinks are in order, head back to the hotel bar.. No driving, just stumbling up to a room..

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by cplnuswing

we would be expecting that any of the dates you provided are still going to be good for a reasonable amount of time to do the sitter scheduling.

that's the problem there was never any dates defined. Here's the actual email exchange (via Swing Lifestyle):

To preface, we had initially emailed them in July with no response at all. Then upon seeing their profile again and reading their comments wondering if anyone was real (yes this is the same couple I referred to in another thread), I wrote them again.... this is the exchange:


Us: We are real and are interested. Let us know if you are or not.
Them: We are interested.
Us: We could meet for dinner or drinks pretty much anytime. We are typically available on weeknights as well as weekends. For the next couple of weeks, weeknights are better. Let us know what works for you.
Them: We will give you a shout. We will have to arrange a sitter and such .
----------------

We realize that most people in our age range do have kids so we try to be as open as possible and realize that their schedule is probably much more restrictive than ours... therefore we try to leave it to them to be more specific on dates. Perhaps that's our downfall.

[pervgeeks]

We try to make things very simple for people. We have children, but it is our second marriage, so we make plans on the Saturdays our exes have the kids. The oldest though is 17 and she can babysit on occasion, but she has a job and her own life, so that requires planning but we can sometimes use that if our available times are simple not workable for the other party. We have some friends that are ONLY available weekdays and we've been trying to get together with them again. We're now looking at February for a workable date lol.

I think for those with young kids who have to get babysitters, the best and most considerate thing to do is plan in advance well with people to nail down a specific date, tell them you have to get a sitter, and then once that's lined up, confirm it again. It's rude to expect people to sit around in limbo forever when other plans could be made.

[slevin]

Julie: If I'm being totally honest (pun from that other thread recently lol), while they were presumptuous to not suggest a timeframe or indicate that they understood you guys have busy lives as well, the way you worded your second email almost makes it out like you're free anytime during those time windows. I can see how they might take away from it that if they can find a sitter within those windows that you will be free to go out with them.

We wouldn't just assume that ourselves, but I can see how someone might interpret it that way.

[amid]

Something else to consider in this day and age of children.. we love the lifestyle, are not hesitant at all about it. However we have two children (twins). We do not live in a "development" and most of our nieces and nephews are grown and away at school. In short our babysitter work pool is so shallow it's almost a puddle. To complicate matters our son has ADHD/Aspergers he is only slightly ranking on the Asperger's scale however it still creates it's own set of complications for a sitter scenario. We have had to cancel plans on several occasions due to some of these complications. It's frustrating for both of us so I can imagine what it would be like with a potential playmate. If you contacted us we would most likely have to leave a playdate wide open.

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Us: We are real and are interested. Let us know if you are or not.
Them: We are interested.
Us: We could meet for dinner or drinks pretty much anytime. We are typically available on weeknights as well as weekends. For the next couple of weeks, weeknights are better. Let us know what works for you.
Them: We will give you a shout. We will have to arrange a sitter and such .

If they truly are real and interested, then they have a funny way of showing it. I think someone who was would have come back with more than that each time. At least "we are interested, maybe meet for dinner/drinks sometime soon? What's your schedule look like?" Something other than basically a short yes throwing the ball back in your court, and then when you replied, they came back with a noncommittal we'll get back to you.

Originally Posted by slevin

the way you worded your second email almost makes it out like you're free anytime during those time windows. I can see how they might take away from it that if they can find a sitter within those windows that you will be free to go out with them. We wouldn't just assume that ourselves, but I can see how someone might interpret it that way.

We wouldn't assume that either, but I can see how someone might I guess. Given that, we'd still reply back to confirm that assumption before we went to the trouble of lining up a sitter.

[LFM2]

I have NO idea how people find the time when their kids are little. I don't think we would have even entertained that thought when our kids were younger. Due to school concerts, debate meets, cheerleader practice and other extracurricular activities they had, we wouldn't have had the time!!

Our youngest was a junior in high school when we started playing. No worries about babysitting or lining up a favorable time.

The only thing we worried about was our job schedules which can be weird because I work the night shift and he works during the day. Sometimes sleep just has to take precedence.