What do you do when one half of the couple doesn't seem interested?

[Willing29]

We are very new to this and we finally decided to take the next step last night with another couple which was only soft. I was with the other's SO and Ms Willing was with the other guy. While with the other SO we were switching on and off preforming oral on each other while Mrs Willing and him were doing the same. His SO did not seem to want to participate at all, and had to be encouraged to take her clothes off. She didn't seem to be enjoying herself and kept closing her legs up so after about an hour of this, I finally got the message and over went to my wife and made love to her while she was giving oral to the other guy, which was great, BTW. Then I sat back and played with my wife while the she did the other guy. Let me say that she gives a great BJ, BTW. Well after another half hour of this (1 1/2 hour total of giving a BJ on and off) she finally said she was tired and needed to rest. She then asked the guy's SO to help out and the SO just looked at her and did nothing, so my wife excused herself and went to the bathroom. When she came back she said she has had enough and we need to go home. I should have also stated that this was a MFMF and not a MFM. After talking it over last night and today we feel that we did the right thing. Comments?

[slevin]

If we were with a couple and either of them needed to be convinced to take their clothes off we would probably call it off right there. If it seemed one of them was just nervous we'd maybe stick around and take our time, let them get comfortable.

If everyone isn't a full and willing participant we just aren't comfortable. Definitely the right thing to leave.

[Willing29]

Originally Posted by slevin

If we were with a couple and either of them needed to be convinced to take their clothes off we would probably call it off right there. If it seemed one of them was just nervous we'd maybe stick around and take our time, let them get comfortable.

If everyone isn't a full and willing participant we just aren't comfortable. Definitely the right thing to leave.

Agreed that should have been the first flag although it actually wasn't convincing her as much as an uncomfortable long delay. Actually the first 'RED FLAG' should have been that in their profile they stated that they are soft couple as we are but she dose allow him to do full while she watches. So when she came out of the bathroom and just stood there, while my Mrs and the other guy were going at it was a but weird. With all of this my wife and I are just chalking it up to inexperience and YES next this happens we will just get up and leave (although it won't be with them ever again).

[jjtrindc]

Agree with Slevin's thoughts here. There is definitely a period where everyone should be allowed to get comfortable. But ultimately, for us to proceed into a full play situation we have sense that everyone is participating. If not, that raises red flags and potential drama and we would call it right there. I'd also say that your second post raises and even bigger Red Flag. I doubt we would ever play with a couple where one is soft and one is full. Yes, there are situations where that makes sense (monthly visitor, etc), but that too raises many questions about their relationship and potential drama. While we would have pulled out sooner, glad that you two had fun.

[JustAskJulie]

You did the right thing. The hard call here is that your wife was obviously having fun and you didn't want to interupt that, so you chose to join it instead. Luckily, as soon as your wife realized what was up with the other lady she led you out of there. This is an example of why we all need to be able to communicate with each other even DURING playtimes. Talk with your wife and work out a system so that if this should occur again (regardless of whether it's who she's playing with or who you are playing with) that you can stop and let the other know what's going on and end the night. No need to allow yourselves to get involved in someone else's issues.

[ncmd_couple]

Agreed that should have been the first flag although it actually wasn't convincing her as much as an uncomfortable long delay. Actually the first 'RED FLAG' should have been that in their profile they stated that they are soft couple as we are but she dose allow him to do full while she watches. So when she came out of the bathroom and just stood there, while my Mrs and the other guy were going at it was a but weird.

Willing,

I just went back and read this thread again. Actually, I think that part of this problem was that you and your wife didn't read their profile. According to your account above, they were honest about their boundaries and played within those boundaries. I hate to say it guys, but the fault with this one appears to be yours.

It is very important that you read someone's profile very carefully! Now, if they lie in their profile that is one thing. But this appears to not be the case.

S

[The Fuse]

If a couple's profile states that they are soft swap but she allows him to do full, then yes, that is a red flag. Sometimes people don't update their profiles, but if there is any doubt, it's a good idea to try and ask beforehand. Seems like they weren't hiding their situation, although the other lady may have let you get the wrong idea. It's a bad idea to hope that people will decide to do more than what they've advertised during play, unless they state clearly that they want to.

(Edit: Hey... Willing29, I may have gotten the wrong idea. Did your wife have intercourse with the other guy? From what you wrote, that's the idea I got, but reading it again I realize maybe not. In any case, the question is the same except for the "soft vs. full" angle: one half of a swap is going well and the other is not.)

This thread and another current thread both bring up the same issue: when things are going well in one half of a swap but not for your half, what do you do? Do you interrupt your wife or husband, and tell them it's not going any further? That's certainly your right... you're in this together. Most of the time the interrupted spouse would not want to go through with it, if their loved one wasn't having fun. For many couples, I think the answer would be "everyone plays or no one does". This is very fair, and we wouldn't have considered anything else for quite some time after we started swinging.

A second answer is to just brush it off and say "Hey, my wife/husband is having fun, I'll let them finish and be happy about it"? That happens too, especially for couples with enough experience that they have relaxed a bit. There's always the next time.

Or, as what's happened in these two threads, "Hey, things are going fine for my wife but not for me, I don't want to interrupt her fun, but I feel left out and a bit bothered, this doesn't feel right"? I think the answer is as individual as the couple and the situation they are in.

We were at a party recently and Mr. Fuse clearly had a chance to play, but in this case I was the half that wasn't interested, for a few reasons. We knew this couple and had been with them in the past, to everyone's enjoyment, and I'd like to be with the male half again... just not at that moment. In this case, our outcome was fine because everyone discussed it and was in agreement -- I was happy to hang out while he and the other lady had a good time. Unlike the husband in this thread and the other current thread, I had not been misled, nor had the husband of Mr. Fuse's playmate, who had already had lots of action that night.

One thing I feel sure about is that if you're in the half of the swap that's going well, it can be difficult to see that the other half is not, and even more difficult to call things off. Sometimes this is true even if you are all in eyesight of each other. The onus is usually on the left-out half, and it's a tough call to make if you are feeling unhappy about the way things are going. It's even worse if you are in a situation where you don't feel assertive, but are about to take one for the team. I've never done this but we have aborted a play session where it was clear to me that the other lady was not comfortable with full swap.

[Willing29]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

If a couple's profile states that they are soft swap but she allows him to do full, then yes, that is a red flag. Sometimes people don't update their profiles, but if there is any doubt, it's a good idea to try and ask beforehand. Seems like they weren't hiding their situation, although the other lady may have let you get the wrong idea.

It was advertised as soft and was discussed to be ONLY soft between ALL parties and everyone agreed, not just three, no full was had except by my wife and I. If we wanted a MFM we would have looked for one. Oh let me say also that after a while of being with the other lady she closed her legs up like a clam and I will not pry anyones legs open for sex ever. And please don't take my comments as being rude I am just trying to explain a bit more.

Originally Posted by The Fuse

This thread and another current thread both bring up the same issue: when things are going well in one half of a swap but not for your half, what do you do?

Being new to this we now realize that this statement is correct and if one half of us is not comfortable from now on, we will just end it then and there. We did have a code word but I didn't use it since I thought my wife was having fun. After talking that was not really the case.

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Or, as what's happened in these two threads, "Hey, things are going fine for my wife but not for me, I don't want to interrupt her fun, but I feel left out and a bit bothered, this doesn't feel right"? I think the answer is as individual as the couple and the situation they are in.

This was the situation but after talking it over we decided to use our code word if one is not OK even if the other one is in the throes of passion.

Originally Posted by The Fuse

The onus is usually on the left-out half, and it's a tough call to make if you are feeling unhappy about the way things are going.

I now agree and will be more vocal next time things are not going well. The Monday morning quarterback now says that i should have used the code word, excused ourselves to the bathroom discussed it and came back and said the party is over and put our cloths on and walked out, period.

We are just going to just chalk this us to inexperience and move on. Please excuse me if i used the QUOTE option incorrectly .

[JustAskJulie]

If they advertised that they were soft swap that would indicate that BOTH of them play in a soft swap scenario.... but that evidently wasn't the way it played out....

[Willing29]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

If they advertised that they were soft swap that would indicate that BOTH of them play in a soft swap scenario.... but that evidently wasn't the way it played out....

Well they both did play but halfway through the girlfriend lost interest and actually withdrew. Yes, at that point we should have got up and walked out but I thought my wife was having fun. I guess our code word need to be more readily used. Oh well I guess it was a life lesson. The good thing is that neither my wife or I were turned off to the LS from that experience. I also want to thank everyone here for the comments and support.

[BiloxiCouple]

Re: What do you do when one half of the couple doesn't seem interested?

Find another couple that is interested. Completely interested.

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by Willing29

His SO did not seem to want to participate at all, and had to be encouraged to take her clothes off. She didn't seem to be enjoying herself and kept closing her legs up so after about an hour of this, I finally got the message and over went to my wife and made love to her while she was giving oral to the other guy, which was great, BTW. After talking it over last night and today we feel that we did the right thing. Comments?

You did the right thing, but perhaps made the mistake (and it's an easy one to make) of thinking things would get better when in fact they rarely do. Sure, there may be some initial shyness or insecurity with one or more people involved that will be worked through in short order if the chemistry is there, but if someone isn't feeling "it" a few minutes in, not likely they are going to be feeling it 30 minutes later.

Originally Posted by Willing29

The Monday morning quarterback now says that i should have used the code word, excused ourselves to the bathroom, discussed it, and came back and said the party is over and put our cloths on and walked out, period.

That's one option, or another middle ground approach that has worked for us is to just kind of accelerate things and get hooked up with your own partner for intercourse as soon as one of you sees the swap foreplay isn't really playing out as well as hoped. Of course in a truly bad situation where you just want to get out of there, best to end it immediately. But for something that is just headed downhill but not picked up speed yet, you can salvage it by everybody getting with their own partner to finish the play session in a positive way. In this case, if she wasn't interested in even doing that with her own SO, then she probably didn't want to be there to start with, and there is no salvaging that situation, so nothing you could have done would have made any difference.

[Willing29]

Originally Posted by cplnuswing

In this case, if she wasn't interested in even doing that with her own SO, then she probably didn't want to be there to start with, and there is no salvaging that situation, so nothing you could have done would have made any difference.

That was our feeling so we mailed them that the chemistry is NOT THERE and have a good life. No hard feelings meant or taken, but it's time to move on.

[pervgeeks]

We've never been in a situation quite that extreme, but we have been in situations where the female half of the other couple was most certainly NOT as giving and into things as me (the female half). We've become pretty direct about this now. My husband is not a "sit there and watch guy" and the way he feels is that if he's bringing a sexually charged and enthusiastic woman to the table, he'd strongly prefer the same in return. Frankly, I don't blame him. If people aren't into both of us, we really don't want to bother. We'll stay home and have great sex by ourselves.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by pervgeeks

We've never been in a situation quite that extreme, but we have been in situations where the female half of the other couple was most certainly NOT as giving and into things as me (the female half). We've become pretty direct about this now. My husband is not a "sit there and watch guy" and the way he feels is that if he's bringing a sexually charged and enthusiastic woman to the table, he'd strongly prefer the same in return. Frankly, I don't blame him. If people aren't into both of us, we really don't want to bother. We'll stay home and have great sex by ourselves.

Absolutely! We are totally the same as you; Katrina and I have fun when all 4 people are into the situation. When one of the 4 isn't as into what is going on it becomes obvious very fast and it brings the mood down for us. I am definitely not a sit there and watch guy either; I do enjoy watching Katrina whether she is with another guy or girl, but I always want to jump in and get involved at some point. We have been with a couple before where the girl just wasn't that into me and things just don't turn out as fun.

Great attitude