jealousy?

[fortworth]

Hey all,

Just venting and rambling a bit so plese bare with me and have a little latitude.

Not sure if I'm wanting advice, or affirmation that my feelings are normal.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years next month. Two years ago after talking about "swinging" we jumped into the lifestyle feet first. Let me back up about a month.

One night at a local Gentleman's Club that we go to a few times a year, we got to talking about any "opportunities" that we've had over the years. I had had a few but of course never acted on them. My wife of course had a couple as well and never acted on them.

The talk turned to messing around and I told her that the idea of her and another man turned me on. She's very open minded that way. And she has said over the years that as long as I come home to her that she really doesn't mind if I were to "mess around". She just doesn't want me falling in love with someone else and leaving her.

Well we kept talking about it a little and one day I found Swing Lifestyle and told her about it. I really don't think she knew much about "swinging" at the time but she was intrigued. We ended up joining in and for about 3 or 4 months saw several couples.

However after a few months of it we grew tired of the drama and what seemed like dating in high school again. We didn't have any truly bad experiences, I guess for lack of a better term, the new wore off.

We've dabbled with seeing a few people in the year and a half or so since we quit but haven't slept with anyone since early last year.

My problem though is that I was fine seeing my wife have sex with another man but I found it hard to handle all the texting, IM, phone calls etc with the "other guy". She never tried to keep anything from me and would always show me the chat logs, texts, etc but I couldn't help my self when it came to being jealous. How could I handle watching her give another guy oral sex but that other stuff bothered me?

While she says she's glad we out I think she'd be back in if I was more comfortable with it.

Is there sometime wrong with me? After all my wife has basically given me permission to mess around, not to mention everything else we did and I am the one wanting to scale back? Are there other guys like me?

We still see some of our old "couples" and haven't ruled out getting back in but for now we are on the sidelines.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Comments?

[2inSanDiego4u]

Why not set some rules about these issues you're not comfortable with? When giving out phone numbers just give out your cell number only, and only to the male half of the couple, if possible. How do you feel when the female half of another couple texts and calls your wife? Is the jealousy problem with the males only? Does your wife have similar feelings if other females call or text you?

[fortworth]

Originally Posted by 2insandiego4u

Why not set some rules about these issues you're not comfortable with? When giving out phone numbers just give out your cell number only, and only to the male half of the couple, if possible. How do you feel when the female half of another couple texts and calls your wife? Is the jealousy problem with the males only? Does your wife have similar feelings if other females call or text you?

We've talked about that and if/when we fully get back that will more then likely be the case.

As for her getting jealous, no she doesn't. Not at all. And that's one reason I am so hard on myself. She gives me all this "freedom" but I find it hard to do the same.

And trust me, the wife and I have talked all about this. I'm just looking for insight from some others. We've got a great marriage and love each other dearly.

Thanks for the reply.

[2inSanDiego4u]

One of our rules is that he talks to the guys, she talks to the girls. We don't do this because of jealousy issues, we just feel that it is safer, and the right way for us to do it. We have heard (mainly from this forum) of many problems arising from too many texts, phone calls, etc. At the end of the day, you have to trust that your partner is being honest with you.

[slevin]

We think it's good to keep the people that you swing with just the people that you swing with. No need for continual txts, IMs, phone calls or emails. Make the call to setup a night to play and that's it. Have fun with them when you're with them, but no need to make them your new best friends inbetween playtimes. The times that we have had drama come up have been with the couples we tried to develop a friendship with outside of the swinging. All the txting and calling can be a bit much for anyone to handle and I know exactly where you are coming from.

If you're not comfortable with it and your wife respects your limits then discuss it together (which it sounds like you have) and come up with a communication method that works for both of you. You doing all the communication makes the most sense as most couples we have met with the guys do the arranging nights out anyway.

Good luck! Looking forward to hearing how things go for you guys.

[screaminggood]

Hey, Fort Worth...there are lots of on and off-premise clubs in our area. I suggest y'all consider meeting people at clubs and not online. You can keep it more "just sex" and less emailing, texting, etc.

[CallMeLoki]

Well, I think it's perfectly normal to feel jealousy...what I think matters is how you handle it, not that you feel it. It also sounds like the jealousy is over fear of an emotional attachment versus fear of physical enjoyment...I think that's understandable too.

I know from myself, you probably have some kind of fear or insecurity at the root of your feelings of jealousy. Do some introspection ("Why do I feel jealous about this? What is it I'm afraid of?"), and talk with your wife about it. Figure out why you feel that way, and then you'll know whether it's something that you or she can remove or not, or whether you guys need to adapt how you handle the communication to not trigger jealousy for you. I think the fact that she said it's OK for you to play around, but she doesn't want you to fall in-love and leave her should be a really, really reassuring statement to you. She doesn't want to lose you...so that certainly suggests that she's not going anywhere either!

I dislike the green-eyed monster myself...I don't like to feel jealousy nor make anyone else (especially my wife) feel jealousy. I don't feel jealousy very often, but when I do I usually work it out for myself. If I can't work it out, I talk to my wife about it, but in a very non-accusing way. I completely trust my wife, and I have never had any reason not to. Even if something doesn't "look quite right" to me, I assume she's innocent rather than guilty, and just talk to her about it. My wife has come a long, long way in overcoming jealousy herself, and the good effect for me is that she makes me feel very trusted. That's good! Relationships have to be built off trust, or they probably won't last.

In the big picture, I just don't think there's any truly valid reason to feel jealousy. If someone is going to leave for someone else, would you want them to stay with you anyway? I don't like to chain or be chained with jealousy...it's VERY reassuring to set someone "free" and watch them NOT leave. You know for certain they really WANT to be with you (and you wouldn't know that if you chained them to you with jealousy...with me?).

Trust breeds trust, and distrust breeds distrust. Even though you have some of these feelings, be sure to keep it stacked on the trust side rather than the distrust side.

Loki

[fortworth]

Originally Posted by CallMeLoki

Well, I think it's perfectly normal to feel jealousy...what I think matters is how you handle it, not that you feel it. It also sounds like the jealousy is over fear of an emotional attachment versus fear of physical enjoyment...I think that's understandable too.

I know from myself, you probably have some kind of fear or insecurity at the root of your feelings of jealousy. Do some introspection ("Why do I feel jealous about this? What is it I'm afraid of?"), and talk with your wife about it. Figure out why you feel that way, and then you'll know whether it's something that you or she can remove or not, or whether you guys need to adapt how you handle the communication to not trigger jealousy for you. I think the fact that she said it's OK for you to play around, but she doesn't want you to fall in-love and leave her should be a really, really reassuring statement to you. She doesn't want to lose you...so that certainly suggests that she's not going anywhere either!

I dislike the green-eyed monster myself...I don't like to feel jealousy nor make anyone else (especially my wife) feel jealousy. I don't feel jealousy very often, but when I do I usually work it out for myself. If I can't work it out, I talk to my wife about it, but in a very non-accusing way. I completely trust my wife, and I have never had any reason not to. Even if something doesn't "look quite right" to me, I assume she's innocent rather than guilty, and just talk to her about it. My wife has come a long, long way in overcoming jealousy herself, and the good effect for me is that she makes me feel very trusted. That's good! Relationships have to be built off trust, or they probably won't last.

In the big picture, I just don't think there's any truly valid reason to feel jealousy. If someone is going to leave for someone else, would you want them to stay with you anyway? I don't like to chain or be chained with jealousy...it's VERY reassuring to set someone "free" and watch them NOT leave. You know for certain they really WANT to be with you (and you wouldn't know that if you chained them to you with jealousy...with me?).

Trust breeds trust, and distrust breeds distrust. Even though you have some of these feelings, be sure to keep it stacked on the trust side rather than the distrust side.

Loki

WOW. Thanks for that reply.

Ur right there is a little insecurity as play here but I'm working on it.

One of the first couples we messed around with she admitted that she had an attraction to the male half and that was hard on me. And I no attraction to the female. So I found myself "taking one for the team" a few times. We of course broke it off with them soon after that.

If we do get back in we've agreed that there will be some rule changes. Try to make it more just about the sex and not so much a relationship.

How many guys would love to trade places with me? I've got a wife that is extremely open minded about sex, giving me permission to play around, and it's me with the issues.....

[BiloxiCouple]

No one is perfect. The issues are probably normal. Just have to discuss them before anything is done and take baby steps if you are not for sure about something.

Never take one for the team. Too much drama.

My swinging life does NOT take priority over my regular life. You can have sex with someone and not have romantic feelings for them. That can be a hard lesson to learn whether a newbie or a long time swinger. Seen it happen at both ends of the spectrum. We are sometimes human and it happens. We fall in love/lust. Swingers aren't immune from this happening. It's how you deal with it.

[iapr]

Nothing wrong with you, you are normal.

Remember it is swingers that are the abnormal ones. We are the rare breed. There is a reason that every single culture on the planet practices maritial monogamy as it's officially sanctioned form of sexual expression. Anything outside of that is considered abnormal and deviant in all corners of the globe. Some are just a little more and some are just a little less restrictive.

The fact that you are uncomfortable with your wife showing attention and interaction with other men shows that you are more on the normal end of the spectrum than on the abnormal end.

All of us here will have a limit as to how much time and energy and affection our partner shows another. I consider myself a sexual swinger but an emotional monogamist. If I thought either one of us were getting a little too comfy with someone I would probably pull the plug pretty quick.

Always stay within your limits. Swinging has a full spectrum of activities and life is good when everyone stays within their own personal limits but once people start stepping outside those bounds because they think they "should be ok with it" then things start to go South real fast.

[fortworth]

Originally Posted by iapr

I consider myself a sexual swinger but an emotional monogamist.

I like that. I can very easily relate to that quote.

The sex has been the easy part (so to speak). It's all the other stuff that's no fun.

[spamcatcher]

We've become very good friends with one couple we swing with, and exchange an occasional email on subjects other than sex. To keep jealousy out of the mix, we have a joint email account that we use for this so that we each know what everybody is writing to someone else.

We don't care for texting, so that's not an issue. Phone converstations almost always include all 4 of us, and they are normally not sex-related. They are most often to make arrangements for our next adventure or playtime, or to set up a meeting with new potential common playmates.

In short, we play and/or talk about sexual matters when we are all physically together, and keep things mostly generic & vanilla at all other times.

Swinging is an enhancement to our marriage, not a source of angst.

[JustAskJulie]

What you describe is really pretty normal. The texting/Iming etc is a lot more personal than just sex and makes it seem like there is more to the relationship than just sex. As others have suggested perhaps setting some ground rules would help. Often women do feel more of a need to "connect" with someone beyond just sex and that may be the case, but that type of connection is where things can start to go awry.

Talk to her about this and find out why she feels it necessary and see if you can't come to an agreement that works for both of you.

[fortworth]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

What you describe is really pretty normal. The texting/Iming etc is a lot more personal than just sex and makes it seem like there is more to the relationship than just sex. As others have suggested perhaps setting some ground rules would help. Often women do feel more of a need to "connect" with someone beyond just sex and that may be the case, but that type of connection is where things can start to go awry.

Talk to her about this and find out why she feels it necessary and see if you can't come to an agreement that works for both of you.

Oh trust me, we've discussed it. Several times.

For my wife it's more of a needing or wanting to be liked/attracted to.

She's in her mid 30's, has had a child and recently lost almost 70 pounds! So she get's her rocks off (so to speak) to guys paying attention to her, etc. She'll go out with the girls, flirt a little, dance a little, and come home and f**K my brains out. All because she's been out flirting and getting flirted with. And don't get the wrong impression. My wife is beautiful. And I'm not just saying that because I'm married to her.

Deep down that was probably one of the subconscious reasons we/I didn't stay in longer when we were actively doing it. I don't mean to sound vain, but we met some real trolls. But again this was all from Swing Lifestyle.

I never meet one female half that even remotely compared to my wife.

[TravlParty]

I never meet one female half that even remotely compared to my wife.

This might be why you're feeling a bit insecure. You're not finding females you're attracted to and "taking one for the team". I understand your feelings completely. It's been much more difficult for us to find a female that I'm interested in. You're not alone.

When we do swap, contact afterward is not what we're looking for. She makes it clear that she will not call, text or chat with the male after sex. It's just sex.

Good luck to you.