Are my insecurities driving her desires?

[2LFM]

First this is Mr. 2LFM. After reading many posts I start to get the impression that maybe my current line of thinking is wrong for lack of a better term. My def of swinging is really any extramarital fun. although i understand it is generally used to mean a hard swap or at least a soft swap with another hetero couple. Her is my delima. At the fear of sounding like so many other guys out there... I do not think i could handel seeing the MRS with another guy. I have thought about it alot. I thought i would be fine with it at one point. But now after several long converstaions about it she has never expressed any intrest in other guys. She wants other women. I do to but not for the normal reasons. Dont get me wrong as a guy i often think/fantasize about being with other women but my motivation for the actual practice of it is actually my wifes pleasure. If it were just for me i could do without. We have had a couple.....soft swap/ soft 3some type situations. I love seeing the pleasure she gets from another female. We have no desire to ever do any seperate room play. Although I am in the army and when i am away from home i would be fine with her playing with another girl. When we have brought up play with another guy or with a straight couple she expresses her lack of desire for another man. Actually it strikes me as a turn off. Based on this i could not see her with another guy. My fear however is that maybe she is just into my pleasure as much as i am into hers and because she senses I dont really want her with another man that she expresses not wanting one. That it really makes her not want another guy. But its her not wanting another guy that makes me not really want to see it. Plus i kinda feel like another girl can give her things i can not. Although from her point of view its the same old thing....what could another girl give me that she couldnt... the awnser is nothing. I have no desire to have a 1 on 1 experiance with a different girl... Not even the whole year i was in the desert. What i want is group experiances.... it makes me feel closer to her. So my question really is.... Is my insecurity about another guy ultimately driving her desires? And is this a situation that could come back to bite us? I know the general idea is to set the "rules" befor any play begins. Which we have. other girls no guys. But we are young. And years down the road she may want another guy. Would our play with girls then "require" my acceptence of play with guys? Please forgive my newbie ness.

[ncmd_couple]

2LFM,

The only one who can answer that question is you and your wife. Swinging is not a clearly definded situation. It is different for every couple. My suggestion to you is for you to ask her. The more that each of you talk to each other. The more you will come to know each other.

S

[2LFM]

my concern is that maybe the reason for her not haveing intrest in guys is some subconsious feedback from my feelings. she does not know the reason for her feelings on the subject. she has told me everything she can. she is not very good at understanding her thoughts. I just wonder if maybe my insecurity about other men is driving her lack of desire for other men which in a vicious cylce is what fuels my insecurity about other men... I know noone can really give me an awnser... i am more looking for opinions, or suggestions more specific than talk about it being as that we have and do.

[LikeMinds321]

Hi Ace ~

Welcome to the Board!

I read your introduction and see that you are 23 yo and your wife is 24. You are at a starting point of discovering who you are as sexual people, at least I think so. You have lots to learn about yourselves in the years to come.

From reading your post I feel the biggest issue here is that you and your wife may still be hesitant to open up to each other about what your thoughts are about sexuality and sex with/among other people. I'd suggest you first get comfortable with discussing anything and everything about sex. From there you will learn what you each will accept from the other. I have often read that couples are afraid to share their deepest fantasies for fear of being rejected by their spouse and I sense this may be the case with you. Maybe it's why you feel you're both gearing your swinging direction based on what you think the other wants or needs, rather than actually discussing it openly.

You mentioned in your introduction that the only other significant relationship you've had (prior to your wife) was with a lesbian friend. Have you had many - or any - sexual reltionships with other women? Has your wife had any with other men?

If not, neither of you may know what sex with others would be like and this may be the reason why you don't have an interest in people of the opposite sex. In the future you may. I think people tend to evolve sexually with time and experience. You and your wife should consider this and embrace it. You can't know what the future will bring and making guesses is only going to needlessly worry you.

If you decide to swing, think of it as a time of exploration in your life together, an adventure.

Good luck!

LM

[screaminggood]

Welcome to the Board. Many of us (females) started out exploring our bi side while our husbands only watched (they never complain). It sounds as if that's what y'all are comfortable doing. She likes it; you like it...so why mess with a good thing? If after a while, one or both of you want to do some more exploring, you'll have a great foundation and can talk about it. Meanwhile, if she's really into women, my suggestion is to sit back, enjoy the show, and then reap the rewards afterward because she will have plenty of excitement left for you after she's done with the other woman. Good luck!

[2LFM]

u called it...my relationship with my friend was prior to her comeing out...but it was not exactly sexual...we were just babies then lol...me and my wife are each others first and only... not counting what u may call a soft swap with me friend... no sex or oral tho. I have watched her fool around a bit with another girl.. but thats it.

1 thing is i am very interested in sex with other women... and krisy is interested in us haveing a full 3some or swap with a les couple... she just seems to have no intrest in other men. and neither of us know why.

[JustMrJ]

I think this goes back to the lack of experience on both your parts. If you have never had full intercourse with anyone but each other, then your statement about another woman not being able to contribute anything new is completely wrong in my opinion.

What my wife and I get out of swinging is that there are various techniques or physical experiences that we would not otherwise have access to.

And... for some clarification, my wife was a virgin when we started dating and I had previously had quite a few partners.

My wife feels and has been told she is getting better by the men she is with and I have to say I agree. Some of the techniques she has learned and things she knows how to do has expanded quite a bit. She is not Bi-sexual, nor is she really curious about it. She is comfortable giving the ladies simple greeting kisses and having her butt grabbed by other females, but that's about as far as she goes right now. Those are her boundaries and everyone has respected them very well... even the ladies that want to play with her.

This is not to say that we still don't enjoy each other... quite the opposite actually. I find that sex with her is even more erotic and powerful now than it was before we started swinging. Just like it was better before we started swinging when compared to when we just got married.

Remember that this is all fairly new to you both and sex is a VERY broad subject and has lots of different techniques, fetishes, etc. that comprise it.

If, right now, you two are fine with just having her enjoy another lady from time to time, then by all means, set your 'limits' there for now. My wife and I were on a boat party last Sunday and there was a lady and her husband there that were similar to you two in that respect. The lady only wanted to play with other ladies and the man was only there to either watch or just socialize. Matter of fact, my wife had a nice long conversation with him, but nothing more.

It's all up to you two how much and how far you take things. How you participate in this Lifestyle is just like life itself, always changing and always evolving.

Good luck with your adventures... most of all... have fun!

[realcplub2]

Ok, went to reply privately, but its not set up yet.. So here goes..

I can only take from the post that you are both pretty new to all of this, right?

How you play RIGHT now, does not define HOW you MIGHT play later on..

As to figuring out what exactly the types of play you both are into.. relax and go with the flow, and see where it takes you for starters..

As you proceed, continue to talk HONESTLY, to each other.. And what turns/turned you on with each encounter. Again, make it clear whats on the game board, and whats not, before you decide to play with anyone.. If it evolves into something different, discuss it first between you both, before including anyone else

[Curiosity0725]

things can change and maybe she'll realize she does want other guys.

i'm in the same situation but i know my wife has the desire for other men just not the WANT to be with them.

as of right now, we're just looking for our unicorn(s)

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by 2LFM

wall of text

I have a personal theory on the whole 'she doesn't want another man' thing, and a sub theory.

My first observation, is that you will find thing in the bi-furious women. What it is, is they are closet lesbians, they really do NOT want another man, in fact they often don't seem to pleased with their first one. This is a 'swinging to satisfy my real nature' type of thing.

The second is as you are worried about. Often times women feel quite guilty of wanting to have sex with another man, perhaps they don't want to make you feel jealous, or even in cases where the man is all for it, they still cling to the idea that its wrong. They will vehemently deny this at times, but its all about keeping the male ego intact, something some women just have a pulse on.

I also think there is a fear in some women in that they will fall for another man if they have sex with them. Maybe you were her first, and she feel head over heels for you, whats to say she won't for the next guy? (in her mind at least) Some women have sex and love so ingrained in their thinking, that they can't separate the two. Sex with another woman on the other hand doesn't count because she knows shes not going to want to leave you for a woman.

Now how this applies to you, only you can tell by asking her to be honest about it. I found out my wife felt guilty about enjoying threesomes since I wasn't getting anything out of it (from how she kept score). Its hard for some women to just let go an embrace their inner slut so to speak.

[mixtupcpl]

Personally, I think both of you are very young and new as a couple. I think this is something you should just keep talking about and leave as fantasy. If an opportunity for a FFM comes up and you are both very sure you want that, then take it. Leave the rest to evolution.

As far as "owing" her a guy goes, talk to her about that. Let her know that you want her to feel fully comfortable and that maybe this FFM would be as far as you'd be able to handle for a while (or maybe ever)

Since she is bi-curious, and seems equally interested in another female, you wouldnt exactly be the sole beneficiary if you brought another woman in.

I have completely vanilla friends who have done this specific scenario. They dont swing and would never, but at an "experimental moment" brought another woman in b/c the female half wanted "to see what it was like". In most of these cases the guy just had sex with his partner and watched the two girls. If you're really worried about "owing", maybe you can go that route at first.

[JustAskJulie]

It sounds like you both might really want the same things... group/swinging encounters. She may just really have no desire to play with another guy without you, just as you are insecure about her doing so. Whether it's one or both of you that is not sure about it, that is enough reason not to do it. Instead of focusing on why not look more at the options of playing together in a group situation and see what may come from it, whether it's soft (no actual sex with opposite sex partners beyond yourselves) or full swap.