Don't just grab me! For the ladies and Men

[jdavisauto]

Ok here the setting. You at the swingers club with your husband, he's talking to a friend and then some guy comes up behind you and grabs you and starts rubbing your body. You try to move away but he just will not let go of you. Has this happen to you and if so how did you take care of it?

This happen to me and the guy just would not let go of me. I hollow for my husband to help because this guy just would not let go of me. My male half came up and grab his neck in a pressure hold and took him down to his knees and then pick him up and took him out of the room into the lobby for the security staff to get rid of him. (My male half was a martial arts instructor before he got sick and he knows al the holds).

[SecretAsianMan]

Y'know - as soon as you say "stop" or ask to be "let go" and they don't - that pretty much means it's open season to throw that person OUT of the party by whatever means necessary.

You shouldn't have to even wait for the boyfriend / husband to do it - if anyone witnesses something like this... step up and stop it from happening.

I may just be a layman to the terms - but I believe that uninvited "grabbing" like you describe is borderline "sexual assault" -- and that's not a good thing

[bbarnsworth]

No means no. If a person is unwilling to accept that, they need to be gone from the lifestyle. End of discussion.

Continuing past no/stop isn't borderline sexual assault. It is sexual assault. Of course, trying to get a conviction much less an arrest is probably impossible, given the scenario. Therefore, the best way to handle it is to have the on site security toss the person in question out...permanently!

People that behave in this way destroy what the community builds. It's like building a sand castle and having the local beach idiot tromp right through the middle of it.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by jdavisauto

You at the swingers club with your husband, he's talking to a friend and then some guy comes up behind you and grabs you and starts rubbing your body. You try to move away but he just will not let go of you. Has this happen to you and if so how did you take care of it?

You have to do more than just "try to move away." Things like this will happen at a club so be prepared for it. I feel woman can/should be able to handle these situations themselves. Rarely should your husband have to step in.

I have had men I've never met walk by me and grab my ass and I don't like it. I look to see who has coped a feel and when I see they are a stranger I give them a look that let's them know I wasn't pleased. If any man would stand there and continue to try to touch me when I didn't want it, I'd look them in the eyes and loudly say "STOP TOUCHING ME, GO AWAY." I wouldn't turn away from him until he walked away. I'd stand my ground to make sure he got the message. If he pursued I'd walk away to the security person or owner and report the guy and let them handle him from there.

Using physical force on someone should be avoided at all costs. Think of it this way, with just you and this guy there may be people 6 feet around you who will notice (and hear) what is happening. When your husband came in and got physical, people 50 feet away would then notice something happening and it would look like your husband is the ass. How is anyone to know what happened that preceeded your husband's physical actions towards this man? Your husband may appear to be the bad guy and that's not doing you any favors. In the eyes of the club crowd you may have just placed yourselves on their "no way - stay away" list.

Regarding bbarnsworths comment: Talk of sexual assualt and "getting a conviction" is silly. A swingers club is a highly sexually charged environment where people often drink too much.

People pushing themselves on you at a club can happen. Be prepared for it and handle it without drama and you'll be better off.

LM

[jjtrindc]

It's unfortunate that this happened, but it is not the norm. My wife has been treated with the utmost respect at on-premise clubs and places like Desire. Interestingly, it's when we go to the "off-premise" club where there are less experienced couples or even a vanilla dance club where she has issues of getting groped.

We all have different takes on how the situation was handled, but do know that what he did was completely wrong. I would add that in the lifestyle or just in life, I encourage my wife to be a strong individual and not to take crap from anyone. She can be a bit of a passive personality and is reluctant to call someone out...but more and more she realizes that standing up for herself means that people will not take advantage of her.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Regarding bbarnsworths comment: Talk of sexual assualt and "getting a conviction" is silly. A swingers club is a highly sexually charged environment where people often drink too much.

I know it's silly, which is why I caveated it the way I did. I'm just noting that it isn't "maybe" sexual assault. If you unequivocally tell a person to stop grabbing you, and they continue to sexually grab you, it's sexual assault. There isn't any maybe about it. That doesn't mean the husband should come up and beat the living daylights out of the person assaulting his wife. But, it should be treated in a firm manner to make it stop if words are not enough, ala going to the security or club management. Treat it seriously.

If this person was willing to do this to you, they're willing to do it to someone else. That kind of person can ruin things for everyone, and needs to be gone. I don't care what someone does with my wife so long as she consents. I do care greatly if someone does something after my wife has clearly spoken she wants it to stop. I would never physically assault someone, but I will take action as needed to stop the situation.

[two42lovers]

Very, very creepy... maybe this kind of crap is something we've managed to avoid by sticking with more intimate settings? We tend towards private parties where everyone is a known quantity, or at least they have explicity agreed to the Ask First rule as a condition of being invited.

We think the whole premise about him stopping when you said stop is wrong. He should never have touched you at all until he asked and you said yes. Ask First is the Golden Rule of swinging. If you have to say "stop" they've already crossed the line.

Totally agree about the big down-side to getting confrontational. Naturally when the guy didn't listen, you got louder telling him to stop - bringing on your husband's intervention (as it should.) But maybe if your hubby gave you a little more time to stand up to the creep and stare him away, it might have worked, and been the end of it?

The best bet is to go to the host or bouncer, and ask them to deal with it, but how do you do that if you can't get away? If your husband saw what was going on he could step between you and the creep (but not lay a hand or even raise his voice) and walk away with you. It would be pretty hard to do...

Who knows, maybe the guy will be assinine enough to follow you to somewhere more private...

[jdavisauto]

What my lady half didn't tell you was that this guy had both arms around her and she was borderline on screaming at him to let her go. I along with 3 of the security and a few other guys heard her and was going to help her. I just got there first and I just reacted. The great security staff was right there to stop things from getting out of hand they escorted the intoxicated man from the club. In our 9 years of swinging, this was the first time anything like this has happen.

[sweet_tna]

I'm sorry this happened. I have to admit my advice would have been very similar to LM's, had I not read the additional information from the Mr. In this case, I'm glad to know security was aware of the incident and helped you to remove him.

While I sincerely hope that this never, ever happens again, one trick I've learned is that if your hands are not free and someone's bothering you (assuming you've told him no already), then stomp on his instep. If you have heels, it can be very effective, and less likely to result in an altercation.

=)

[SEXYCUBANCOUPLE]

yes this has happened to me as well at our swingers club..i normally call security.

[Opportunists]

We have a few regulars at our club that like to 'cop a feel'... nothing on the level that the original poster had, but still enough to make her feel uncomfortable.

One of these guys is the nicest guy, just gets all goofy sometimes in that environment. She has basically told him that it's not going to fly with her and he doesn't really grab at her any more.

The challenge that she has... as I see it... is that there are some guys that she doesn't mind rubbing on her, and others that she does. But, she manages to handle the boys in her own way so that they all seem to walk away smiling... which probably wouldn't happen if I had to get involved.

[JustAskJulie]

It's been a LONG time since anyone has tried anything like that with me. I don't just move away, I turn around and give them "the hand" and a dirty look and make sure they get the message to stop.

[Greg & Sheryl]

Fortunately, this isn't an issue for us. The only people who grab us are those with whom we already have a close relationship, so we don't mind it from them. We can't recall a stranger ever approaching us this way.

[HotMoCpl]

Even if you were not my significant other, they would have had to call an ambulance for him. I'm no martial arts instructor but I did over 22 years in the Army. Oh, yea and I slept at a Holiday Inn the night before.

[Speed & Trixie]

This has only happened to me at vanilla bars! I've had my butt manhandled, my tits pinched, guys try to grab around my waist to pick me up and take me "somewhere," guys grab my face or head to try to make out with me....not all at the same time of course.

If I can physically get away, I will usually tell him in a stern, loud voice that xyz is NOT acceptable, then tell every staff member and manager what happened (in case he's doing this to other women too). If the guy has a hold on me, I will yell "LET GO OF ME, I DON'T KNOW YOU" repeatedly while trying to get away. Once I'm free, I'd go talk to the staff/ security. I used to wrestle in high school (boys' team), so I can usually slip out of the drunken holds.

Speed has never had to step in -- good cause he's waaaaaay more lover than fighter. Besides, he needs to save that energy for playtime!

Trixie