What's the bonus for you?

[sweet_tna]

We're in this for the sex. We do tend to gravitate toward fun and friendly people though. But the friendship is just a bonus.

=)

[jdavisauto]

Sex first then if a friendship happens great.
I true friend is someone that knows everything about you and still likes you.

[slevin]

Thanks for posting this Julie and thanks for some great replies by everyone else! You have no idea how timely a topic this is for us lol, we were actually going to post today looking for a bit of advice or insight to help us wrap our heads around this topic, but now I don't think we need to.

We were firmly in the 'friends first' side of things, but the sex with others was our goal all along. Thinking about it now I think we were a bit unclear with ourselves about what was important to us, we felt like we needed to be friends with the people we wanted to have sex with. Almost like it wasn't ok to meet just for sex, we just weren't comfortable with the notion, even though I think it's what we've wanted primarily all along. Friendly people we have sex with, not friends we have sex with. Of all the times we've been with another couple the times that worked out best were friendly people, and the ones that ended up with issues, drama or just plain taking too much effort were ones we tried to build a friendship with.

We've pulled the lid off that now though and realized that we'd much rather have great sex with friendly people than make any new longterm friends out of this. If a friendship happened to build from it we're open to it, but we're not going to look for it or focus on it or worry about whether it happens.

[JustMrJ]

The sex is our first priority. As we play with various people, we have found that casual friendships are developing.

Our comfort level with certain people for play has gone way up and they enjoy playing with us too. We believe they will become our 'regulars'. Not serious friendships yet. Not sure we want it to go that far...

Great topic Julie!

[willyoats]

It's probably no surprise that the priority changed over the years. In the beginning, although I wanted friends with benefits, it didn't work out that way. For several years it was just sex.

Then as we got to know more people, the friendships began to develop. It's interesting that over the years, almost all of the people we actually had intercourse with have disappeared. Our best friends, and the longest lasting friendships, from the swinging community are ones that we didn't have sex with or just had soft swinging.

I wonder if we are unique in that, and is there is some good explanation for it? Maybe Julie would like to explore that in another thread.

[pervgeeks]

We voted for sex first, but it's probably more like polite acquaintances first, then sex partners, then friends maybe. Our idea of friends is people we can talk to and have some familiarity with at parties or go out for drinks every so often. We don't really want to go into the poly realm.

[CPL4XTCY]

Sex first ~ we tried the friendship & then sex thing and decied that was just way too much drama, too many rules, too many time wasters.

We tend to avoid the online dating scene and just focus on the clubs now. It's cool when we see a couple we have played with previously at the club as a lot of the small talk is out of the way!

[JustAskJulie]

I find it interesting that so many people feel the need to validate their desire for sex first by making it clear that they have to at least "like" the people. Unless you are the type of person that would litterally walk up to a stranger, strip their clothes off and jump them without ever saying hi (which ok, happens on occasion in group rooms, etc), I think most people at least want to have a short polite discussion with those they play with, enough to know they are still attracted after their mouths open (at least).