Swinger decides to cheat... any insight?

[knb2004]

A couple that we met through the lifestyle is breaking up. They're doing so because the hubby had sex with a co-worker against his wifes wishes.

They had talked about her, as he was open about his interest, but she vetoed it because they worked together (imo, a wise decision.) He's been trying to change her mind for awhile unsuccessfully.

So, he decided he'd just go sleep with her anyway. And to add insult to injury, he "confessed" while he and his wife were fucking (at home alone), and had the audacity to add "if it hadn't have been her, it would eventually have been someone" or something like that.

I don't fucking get it. Why would a man who has ALMOST complete sexual freedom throw it all away for the one person that was put off limits? I suspect we're going to remain friends with Mrs. Cheated-On, and that we may never see (or even hear from) Mr. again, but I simply cannot fathom why someone who has a successful, seemingly happy, swinging marriage would do what he did. I realize that nobody here even knows them (well, probably not anyway), but does anyone have any insight? I'm at a loss.

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by knb2004

and had the audacity to add "if it hadn't have been her, it would eventually have been someone" or something like that.

but I simply cannot fathom why someone who has a successful, seemingly happy, swinging marriage would do what he did.

It's always unsettling when someone you think you know and understand does something impossible to understand. Not sure it can be explained. The first part of the quote explains the bolded second part. He was self-centered enough to throw away what he had on fulfilling EVERY one of HIS own desires, damn the consequences. Happy relationships don't work that way.

[graygo98]

As you say, I don't know the people or much at all about the situation. So, this is pretty much speculation.

But I wonder if it had much at all to do with sex or his hard-to-understand sexual wrongdoing. Everything about his behaviour says "death by cop" to me. You know, some guy (and it usually is a guy) who wants to kill himself but doesn't have the guts. So, he puts the police in a position where they are forced to do it for him.

Not meaning to be a sexist or anything, but several times I have seen guys (full disclosure: I am one) who wanted out of their marriages but who didn't have the guts to deal with it directly. Their solution was to provoke their wives into making the move for them. (Women, on the other hand, seem to be much more above board when they are unhappy or want out.)

Do you think that this could explain the situation? And remember, the fact that they looked happy to you doesn't rule out this answer. There was obvioulsly something strange going on in that guy's head.

[BiloxiCouple]

It may be as simple as the "forbidden fruit".

Has nothing to do with happiness or freedom or whatever. Tell that man he can't have something and he will get it at whatever the cost.

[VegasLee]

"if it hadn't have been her, it would eventually have been someone"

"someone who has a successful, seemingly happy, swinging marriage"

Those two statements stand out to me.

First off, we never really know others. What is seemingly to us may not be what is really happening. Some people are very good at making a good public front of one thing but are really something else.

Also, with him saying it would have been someone else then that pretty much shows me he was not really about the Lifestyle, but his own personal desires and needs.

Sounds like this was not all that you may have thought it was. People have done a lot worse for much less in life if you think about it.

I would wonder if this couple got together, got out of the lifestyle if they could keep it together or is their whole relationship built on falsehoods in the first place?

This Lifestyle is NOT for most people. Most people really do not have the type of relationship it takes to be a swinger. Many live better in the "normal" life of just going out and cheating then they do with dealing with being honest. Honesty is one of the hardest things most ever have to deal with in life and most can not be honest with others or their self in life.

[JustAskJulie]

All I can say is ditto to both VegasLee and Graygo. The fact that he said "if not her it'd be someone", leads me to agree with Graygo's reasoning. He was looking for an out and he found it.

[knb2004]

Thanks for the feedback, folks, I know it's not a lot to go on, but I've been walking around for 2 days asking myself WTF?? The "Suicide by Cop" theory did cross my mind, and while we were present for some brief, civil conversations about the lady from work, we obviously have no idea what conversations happened that we weren't around for.

Anyway if anyone has any further insight, feel free to share.

[lustylearning]

deeper problems than you could see... all we see of others is what they're comfortable showing. not many of us would share with our swinging friends when we're having difficulties or frustrations in our primary relationship.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by knb2004

A couple that we met through the lifestyle is breaking up. They're doing so because the hubby had sex with a co-worker against his wifes wishes.

They had talked about her, as he was open about his interest, but she vetoed it because they worked together (imo, a wise decision.) He's been trying to change her mind for awhile unsuccessfully.

So, he decided he'd just go sleep with her anyway. And to add insult to injury, he "confessed" while he and his wife were fucking (at home alone), and had the audacity to add "if it hadn't have been her, it would eventually have been someone" or something like that.

I don't fucking get it. Why would a man who has ALMOST complete sexual freedom throw it all away for the one person that was put off limits? I suspect we're going to remain friends with Mrs. Cheated-On, and that we may never see (or even hear from) Mr. again, but I simply cannot fathom why someone who has a successful, seemingly happy, swinging marriage would do what he did. I realize that nobody here even knows them (well, probably not anyway), but does anyone have any insight? I'm at a loss.

Ya know, that is really messed up. Why some people have to do this.... I'll never know. I don't think there are ever explanations that make sense to me. I can say we have seen it also in our swinging lives.... That makes it even harder to grasp. we spent a few days ourselves thinking WTF. WHY ?

Sometimes people just have it in them to do something like this I guess.

Its one of thoes things I don't think I'll ever get, or understand.

I'm o.k. with that... I dont think I need to understand everything.

Is your friend doing O.K. ?

[nervous2tryagai]

From what I've learned in life, the things that are so close to your reach, but just out of it, are what you want the most. I think had she told him to go for it, it wouldn't have been as desirable to him. Just my opinion.

[sexcupid]

We had friends who were dabbling in the LS and the male half ended up setting up a solo playtime that he met off of one of the sites.

And that left us scratching our heads and thinking wtf? And Jeff actually asked him what kind of stupid you have to be to mess up a situation where your wife is ok with you having sex with other women.

I mean, they are still together...but it still left us confused.

[NumbskullsX2]

You are only hearing half of the story. Even if you talk to both of them, you will only be getting half the whole story, since each will only tell you their half of the story.

This is a train wreck in progress,,,stay out of it.

[slevin]

I think Lee hit it on the head; sounds like this guy may have gotten into swinging so he could fuck other women. Easier than cheating, got into it for his own selfish reasons and when someone came along that he wanted to fuck but wasn't 'allowed' to those selfish reasons became obvious.

His confessing also shows his selfishness. He felt bad afterwards and confessed; now he feels better and his wife feels like crap.

[JTcamp05]

So the wife, knew that her husband wanted to sleep with this other lady......she attepmts to control him, by telling him he can't do what he wants to do.

When you cut through everything.... it's not really a "cheated on" issue, he basically shared what he was going to do then did it and reported back...... Divorce..over that, thats insane!!

I have a hard time understand the concept of controlling the other spouse. You have no business in a lifestyle relationship if you don't trust your spouse to make good choices. I'm not trying to defend this guy, but something must have told him that she was ok with all this, I mean he was comfortable enough to tell his wife about it during sex. I'm guessing that he really though she would be excited over this and is saying "WTF" right now..... You have no business "swinging" if you can't expect your partner to make his or her own choices and both are comfortable with the result.....

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

So the wife, knew that her husband wanted to sleep with this other lady......she attepmts to control him, by telling him he can't do what he wants to do.

When you cut through everything.... it's not really a "cheated on" issue, he basically shared what he was going to do then did it and reported back...... Divorce..over that, thats insane!!

I have a hard time understand the concept of controlling the other spouse. You have no business in a lifestyle relationship if you don't trust your spouse to make good choices. I'm not trying to defend this guy, but something must have told him that she was ok with all this, I mean he was comfortable enough to tell his wife about it during sex. I'm guessing that he really though she would be excited over this and is saying "WTF" right now..... You have no business "swinging" if you can't expect your partner to make his or her own choices and both are comfortable with the result.....

Perhaps that's the way you play, but for many of us, decision-making in swinging is a two-person process rather than a solo act.