Swinger decides to cheat... any insight?

[knb2004]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

When you cut through everything.... it's not really a "cheated on" issue, he basically shared what he was going to do then did it and reported back...... Divorce..over that, thats insane!!

Well, if the swinging rules in your relationship are anything goes, anywhere, anytime, I suppose your comment makes sense, but that makes you guys quite rare in my experience. Most couples have at least SOME rules.

For example, my wife and I have no restrictions on sex acts allowed, but we do have a rule that we play together only. I am actually comfortable with the concept of us playing separately (though I would imagine that it would be rare, perhaps when one of us is traveling, as playing together is MUCH more fun), but Mrs. knb is not, so I respect her wishes. Perhaps she'll change her mind, perhaps not, and either way I'm fine with it.

It's also about respect and wisdom, I would never bring someone from our work lives into our play lives unless by pure coincidence, we ran into them at a boanfide swingers event. And of course, regardless of why, if my Mrs vetos someone, though I certainly have the right to try to get her to change her mind, unless and until I'm successful I must respect her wishes.

FWIW, the person that he slept with is not in the lifestyle, indeed she had a boyfriend who has since ended their relationship.

[bicuriocpl]

I think it boils down to respect vs. self interest. He did not respect her and decided that his own self interests were more important than any rules they had.

[WeUse]

Originally Posted by bicuriocpl

I think it boils down to respect vs. self interest. He did not respect her and decided that his own self interests were more important than any rules they had.

Well stated, bicuriocpl

Its been my observation that swinging works (and by that I mean is truly nurturing to the relationship) when people are really in love with each other. While there are probably a million definitions of "love", for me something I once read in Stranger in a Strange Land seemed to really resonate. There, the author explained the Martian view of "love" as that condition where another's happiness is as important to you as your own happiness.

I know it sounds kind of trite, but as a "rule to go by" it works for me. And, I realize this is a little deeper view of it than merely "cheating".

[two42lovers]

He told her he was interested in a co-worker, she told him no, he did it anyway and told her so, she divorces him. Hey, as long as she is happy with her choices and the outcomes its all good. Seems strange, though.

I would not be happy about it, but I would not divorce my spouse because of it, either. It's ironic someone is OK with their partner having sex with others, but wants a divorce because it happened absent permission. Over-reaction? Seems like there must be more to it. If not, and it really was a one-strike and you're divorced kind of relationship, they will probably both be happier apart.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

It's ironic someone is OK with their partner having sex with others, but wants a divorce because it happened absent permission. .

"Absent permission", I think is the key here.

In most swinging relationships there's such a thing as respect for your partner. Doing something that your partner has asked you not to do, shows a total disrespect for your partners feelings and wishes and turns into nothing more than a selfish act, proving that you care little for what your partner thinks.

In a swinging relationship, where total and open honesty is/or should be expected, having your wishes disrespected would be a double hard pill to swallow and makes the betrayal twice as bad. When you open yourself up to a swinging relationship, you've opened yourself up to trusting your partner not to intentionally betray or hurt you.

IF this was his first 'fuck-up' , I agree that divorce is a bit drastic but...with a statement like

"if it hadn't have been her, it would eventually have been someone"

tells me that he really doesn't give a damn about his wife's feelings and he doesn't understand the meaning of the word "RESPECT".


Teresa

[two42lovers]

This is hard to figure out how to say, but I'll give it a try. Bear with me.

The "would have happened with someone" thing has me scratching my head. There are a lot of ways to take that depending on what else was said.

The issue in the forfront of my mind is control. It's not really about honesty, per se. Saying she felt disrespected is probably right on. She told him no. He did it anyway. She divorces him. If they weren't swingers, and she held absolute beliefs about monogamy, it would make some sense (i.e. you have turned your back on our most sacred vow, and now I want you no more.) But they are swingers. Gotta think it isn't about sex so much as it's about control. She wanted to control who he played with. He wasn't able or willing to submit to her control, so she's done with him.

If people love each other, when one partner lets the other down, the best choice is working through it. She didn't sign up to be a door mat, but we have only been presented with one indiscretion. If she wants to end her marriage because of it, she has that right, but my sense is there has to be more to it.

[des1re06]

To us, there's a big difference between cheating and swinging - Honesty and Respect.

I agree there were more problems in their relationship than this one instance.



Mrs. D

[knb2004]

We were talking about this last night with another couple we know who knows the couple in question.

We came to the conclusion that it's not so much the sexual aspect that is a major issue, after all if a swinger can't forgive a sexual indiscretion, who can? But, and this is a big but, the lack of respect that he showed in his actions were a big deal.

[Pepper & Drew]

I have a hard time believing these two are splitting up over this one incident. The comment about it being someone else if not her says that there are definitely issues in the relationship that have nothing to do with having sex with someone. News flash: cheating is not about sex. So, to say that a swinger doesn't have a reason to cheat is not true. For this guy, it sounds like he's interested in doing what he wants, when he wants.

Who knows...I could be completely off base...

Pepper

[JTcamp05]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

Perhaps that's the way you play, but for many of us, decision-making in swinging is a two-person process rather than a solo act.

WE don't play any set way.....just open to sitituations what were indivually comfortable with, while taking into account what each other is comfortable with....

Just talking with my wife about this post it's crazy to divorce...just unimaginable to think a relationship could be so frail to draw a line in the sand over this..... Unless this male 1/2 is a total moron, at some level he thought he was doing the right thing. They had no business swinging was the conclusion we came up with....

[WeUse]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

. . . decision-making in swinging is a two-person process rather than a solo act.

Ditto!

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by Pepper & Drew

I have a hard time believing these two are splitting up over this one incident. The comment about it being someone else if not her says that there are definitely issues in the relationship that have nothing to do with having sex with someone. News flash: cheating is not about sex. So, to say that a swinger doesn't have a reason to cheat is not true. For this guy, it sounds like he's interested in doing what he wants, when he wants.

I have to agree with this. There's always more to any story that anyone outside of the story will ever know. And often there's more to the story than even those directly involved really know. I have to agree with those that say that one incident of dishonesty and infidility amid a couple who swings is a bit extreme to lead to divorce. But, it goes back to the fact that to swing you have to have a seriously strong relationship anyway and it doesn't sound like they really have that. It sounds like some key elements were missing in this relationship - honesty & respect for starters... and communication as well.

[Chitowndk4u]

Sounds like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.