How do you deal with inappropriate emotional attachment?

[SnowwwWhite]

Reading through the thread about mixing friendship with swinging, one of the posts raised a really good question. How do experienced couples handle situations where an inappropriate emotional attachment develops between two people within the foursome? How do you handle it and even more importantly how do you try to prevent it?

In the specific post, it was mentioned that this couple discourages "inappropriate emotional attachment" or misunderstandings with other couples by making sure cross-couple contact is strictly limited to the bedroom... ie. the male doesn't have "extra-curricular" contact with the female of the other couple unless it is during vanilla activities where everyone is together, or during swinging.

What are some of the ways to discourage these attachments and how do you deal with it within your relationship if it somehow happens?

[two42lovers]

Can you define "inappropriate emotional attachment"? What is just right for one couple could be too much for another. There can also be not enough emotional connection to suit the desires of some couples. Depends on your desires and comfor zone, and the maturity of the other couple.

The most common rule among couples is they only meet others together as a couple. Others add the "same room rule". The best way to avoid undesirable emotional connections is to maintain free-flowing communication as a couple. Talk about everything - especially feelings.

[SnowwwWhite]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

Can you define "inappropriate emotional attachment"?

I took that phrase straight out of the other thread, but to me personally an inappropriate emotional attachment would be if a woman (single or from another couple) develops a crush on my partner and doesn't contain it... intentionally goes out of her way to subtly seduce him into wanting to see her more often, trying to get him to favor her, or initiating email or phone contact with him. Just basically doing little subversive things to build up his attachment to her. (Hey, we're women and we have a lot of damn power and we know it. Some of us use it for good, others for evil.)

Inappropriate emotional attachment is anything that has the potential to compromise the bond and connection between me and my partner. It doesn't even have to be a swinging relationship, either. It could be a vanilla person of the opposite sex trying to build an emotional connection to someone who is already in a relationship with someone else.

I guess in my opinion, unless you've both decided to engage in polyamory and you only play with polyamory couples, any emotional connection is a big risk. But again, I am a newbie and haven't experienced those things in a swinging situation yet so I realize I may feel differently later... and I need more perspective, but I'm pretty sure I will NOT want another woman trying to seduce my partner into wanting to be with her outside of our contact as a foursome.

[Dynamar]

The topic the OP raises is a (perhaps) unfortunate by-product of the whole "friends first" type of swinging, which I'm not really a proponent of. As many of the more... ahem... seasoned members of this forum might attest (I'm looking at you Lee ), it wasn't always this way. It used to just be about the sex.

Nowadays, with more and more people seeking "friends first", it's only natural and human that some people develop emotional attachments. More and more people are curious about the lifestyle. Fewer and fewer of them are emotionally equipped to handle the possible outcomes. That's what happens when it's not just about the sex anymore.

[SnowwwWhite]

Originally Posted by Dynamar

The topic the OP raises is a (perhaps) unfortunate by-product of the whole "friends first" type of swinging.... It used to just be about the sex.

See, that's what I'm looking for. I wish it could just still be "about the sex."

If my partner and I are going to do this I want to make sure it's just about the fantasies, the intensity it will bring to OUR relationship, and the connection and communication built between US. I don't want it to be about building long-term emotional relationships that put us in jeopardy or add potential for drama.

Ultimately that's why I'm curious how veteran swingers try to prevent emotional attachments... and what steps do they take to get a handle on things if it happens.

[2inVT]

We don't say "friends first," but we do expect to like the people we fuck. If we don't like them, we don't fuck them. This is part of the reason we have the neutral venue, no playing, first meeting with prospective partners.

We have become very good friends with several swinger couples we've been with, and see many of them often in vanilla settings as well.

We tend to think of them as a set. We think of each person as part of that set. Just as we think of ourselves as a set. I can't think how else to explain it. And while we've both played separately upon occasion, we are still part of the set then.

I think it's much the same way we view vanilla couple friends. Except we have sex with the swingers.

[VegasLee]

You Rang?

The "friends first" works for some.

Anytime you involve anything more than physical pleasures into your relationship you take the chance of attachment and drama. That is just how humans are.

Laura and I have all the "relationship" we desire within our own relationship. We do not desire to deal with any further attachment from anyone outside of our relationship.

We see couples coming here crying about the "break up" of their couple "friends" that they have developed over time. We really don't need that. There are enough emotions between us in every day life, we don't go out looking for more.

You have to do what works for you but you have to keep in mind, if you involve more then just fun sex you will end up at some point with emotions, drama and heartbreak involved.

[JustMrJ]

I would say that the advances of other halves of a couple or single toward my spouse would be met with quite a bit of resistance.

We have our 'love' relationship. Friends and even playmates are on a different level altogether. If she or I felt one of our playmates or even vanilla friends was attempting to cross over into our 'love' relationship level, then we would put a stop to it then and there.

How? Well, first we would attempt to talk to the person(s) about it together. If that didn't work we would be forced to sever our relationship with them. It's that simple.

I don't suspect this will happen because we make it very clear what 'level' we are on and what 'level' our friends and playmates are on.

*HUGS*

[SnowwwWhite]

2inVT... great advice about thinking of others and yourself as a set. Makes me think of what Tom said in Swingtown last week... that he and Trina are a "package deal."

Not sure why that hadn't occurred to me before. Being a "set" and making sure others look at you that way is probably a really powerful way to head off emotional drama at the pass.

[two42lovers]

Surprised to hear Lee doesn't have any friends. Friendship is an emotional attachment, it is also an emotional (as well as intellectual) committment. Friendship is not the same as marriage, not at all, but it is an emotional connection.

Anytime you involve anything more than physical pleasures into your relationship you take the chance of attachment and drama.

A LOT of people would say sex alone can lead to emotional attachment. One of the ways some swingers avoid it is to objectify their playmates. They see playmates as sex toys for having fun, but they avoid friendship or any kind of emotional connection - sometimes they don't know anything about each other. Sex only - then goodby and we'll likely not be seeing you again.

Another way to avoid problems is to talk as a couple and always be sure you are on the same page and acting as a unit in your dealings with others. Our way is to first see if there is attraction, then see if there is chemistry, then we play and see if it's good, then over time, we are open to letting a friendship grow. (i.e. "let's fuck, then we'll see about being friends".) If the people we are playing with have trouble knowing the difference between being friends as a couple, verses a poly relationship (or cheating) we go our seperate way.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

Surprised to hear Lee doesn't have any friends.

You know what assuming does for you.

We have plenty of friends. We also don't tend to call to many people friends. We know lots of people, 1000's but call very, very few of them friends.

When Swinging we never set out to make friends. We find playmates. There are people that over the years that we have become very good friends with later on but we also don't play with those people anymore. We may go to the same parties together but we don't party with them. (We don't fuck friends)

Most anyone that has read anything I have written here over the years knows this is how we feel about "friends" and swinging.

[willyoats]

It should be pretty obvious in swinging that there is a risk of becoming overly emotionally involved with another person, i.e., to the extent that it harms the primary relationship. I have never seen it happen when the couple is already committed right down to the core to each other.

Occasionally, some jerk is going behind his wife's back (and I suppose vice versa) and they eventually get divorced. I only saw that happen once. That was certainly not a good marriage to begin with. He just wanted to get laid a lot and had no lasting commitment to the marriage anyway. That is not different from the jerk in the vanilla world who does the same thing. Swinging was certainly not the cause of the breakup.

I fell in love with a swinging partner (and she with me) nearly ten years ago. I made a real effort not to let that interfere with my marriage. My wife, fortunately, is vary practical and realistic. She believes, as I do, that it is possible to love more than one person at a time and not hurt either. There are no secrets. My wife, whom I love dearly, can read all of the correspondence and knows all of my feelings.

I don't think a bystander can prevent emotional attachments from happening, but the partners can manage the situation if both are committed to, and commuicate with, each other in a healthy and mature way. What will happen, will happen. And it will happen pretty much regardless of what a third party wished.

That's a risk we all take in swinging and in life.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by SnowwwWhite

See, that's what I'm looking for. I wish it could just still be "about the sex."

It can be, if that's what you want it to be. There are many who still choose to make swinging about sex, we are one of those couples. It's not that we don't want friends, or would turn friends away should we make them. What we actually put in our profile is that we are looking for both friends and great sex, but we don't expect them both in the same package. On a few occasions we get lucky and get both, but those are rare cases where the people think so much like we do that we don't really have to worry about any "inappropriate emotional attachments" developing because we are all on the same page.

[SnowwwWhite]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

There are many who still choose to make swinging about sex, we are one of those couples. It's not that we don't want friends, or would turn friends away should we make them. What we actually put in our profile is that we are looking for both friends and great sex, but we don't expect them both in the same package. On a few occasions we get lucky and get both, but those are rare cases where the people think so much like we do that we don't really have to worry about any "inappropriate emotional attachments" developing because we are all on the same page.

Great advice. What this tells me is that I need to make sure that the other couple is really in it for the right reasons, has a very high maturity level, and has an airtight relationship... that's the safest scenario for letting things turn into friendship.

Don't get me wrong, I love making new friends and I'm one of those people who "never met a stranger" because I'm genuinely interested in other people and feed off the energy of friendships... but when it comes to sharing someone you love sexually I just wasn't sure how to deal with other people who don't respect my relationship (or their own) enough to cool their jets when they start developing sparks.

I've made my opinion clear in other posts... I don't believe in that old cliche' "the heart wants what it wants." I think that's an excuse people use to validate emotional disloyalty, selfishness, and a refusal to control their feelings. You love who you choose to love.

Frankly, if my partner "fell in love" with someone else I would consider that cheating. He had a choice, and he chose someone else over me. He chose to compromise our relationship. He chose himself over us. Period.

I'm not into polyamory whatsoever... I guess if others are into it, that scenario isn't so bad for them. But for me, it would be CRUSHING. Especially given the level of trust and unselfishness it requires to swing in the first place.

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by SnowwwWhite

See, that's what I'm looking for. I wish it could just still be "about the sex."

If my partner and I are going to do this I want to make sure it's just about the fantasies, the intensity it will bring to OUR relationship, and the connection and communication built between US. I don't want it to be about building long-term emotional relationships that put us in jeopardy or add potential for drama.

Ultimately that's why I'm curious how veteran swingers try to prevent emotional attachments... and what steps do they take to get a handle on things if it happens.

I'm not a veteran, by any means. But Mr. Sweet have made quite a few friends through swinging, and haven't had any problems with "inappropriate emotional attachments". For one thing, we approach potential partners with sex in mind--do we find them attractive, is there chemistry between us, do their sexual preferences coincide with ours, etc.? Because we tend to gravitate toward friendly and likable people, it's not unusual for us to end up becoming friends with most of our playmates.

That said, we're a package deal (same room play), which is clearly stated in our profile. That doesn't leave room for any clandestine activity or romantic feelings to develop.

If you and your man want it to be "just about the sex," then by all means it can be. You can simply adjust your profile and your approach to reflect that preference.

=)