All these secrets....

[TNT]

Ted and I have been watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" on SHO...we've really been enjoying the show.

Last night, while getting caught up on the episodes we had missed (Love On-Demand ) there was a scene that got me to thinking.

Belle had a regular client that had asked her 'Not to be nice' to him...he wanted to be dominated to the extreme. Not having experience in this arena, Belle asked her Madam for advice, was told to leave it to a professional Dominatrix. Belle insisted that she liked this client and wanted to give him what he wanted so her Madam set her up with an appointment to learn the ticks of the trade from a professional Dominatrix.

During Belle's appointment, the Dominatrix was asking her about the client she was doing this for ( while instructing her with demonstrations on one of her own pets) She asked Belle if he was married, she replied yes, and obviously his wife didn't know. The Dominatrix looked at her with a sad look on her face and said "A shame, all these secrets".

That one quote got me to thinking about how much of a shame it is that in a lot of marriages, there are secrets...we see it quite often here on one level, men (sometimes women) asking, "I want to swing but don't know how to bring it up to my wife (husband)"...with different variations of the same question. By not sharing this with their SO, they are in a way keeping a secret...they're keeping a part of themselves and their desires from their SO. I know it's difficult to open up and share at times but...in the long run by not doing so I feel you're not only doing your SO a disservice but also yourself and your relationship.

We all say that to be successful in swinging, it takes total honesty...total honesty means giving up your hidden desires and secrets...to me, by doing so, you set yourself free.

I also believe that for any truly happy marriage (swinging or any other type of alternative lifestyle or not), there shouldn't be secrets. How can you be truly happy, love and be loved by someone, if you're not giving totally of yourself?

Obviously the Dominatrix in the show felt the same way, she told Belle she didn't have sex with her clients as she was a married woman, her husband knew, wasn't in the profession himself but quite often sat in on her sessions, puttering around and making tea (doing what he was told to do). Belle said it must be nice to have someone to share everything with, to which the Dom said, "That's marriage".

I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this. Maybe I'm wondering if anyone thinks that a really, truly, happy marriage (swinging or not) can be had if secrets are kept?


Teresa

[sweet_tna]

Speaking for myself, I can't see how anyone could be happy in a marriage when either person is keeping a secret from the other.

That show sounds really interesting. Too bad we don't get showtime.

=)

[suite91]

My wife and I enjoyed "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" very much but have only seen the first season. We're impatiently waiting for another.

We feel the same way about secrets. Honesty and openness have always made our relationship strong. Sadly, I think that most couples, couples in the "outside" world, can't/won't/don't share their secrets with each other and therefor are not as close and secure as we are (the collective we).

They say we're the ones who are different - I for one am glad for those differences.

[tribbles]

How can you be truly happy, love and be loved by someone, if you're not giving totally of yourself?

We don't have a clue.

Overall most people aren't happy, don't really think they are loved with all their 'warts' and 'imperfections'. And fear telling anyone who they are. Sad.

For us, true happiness is knowing and loving each other with no secrets.

[cupl4fun]

There was a time when Mrs. Cupl and I had secrets and our marriage almost failed. Now we share everything and we've never been happier. We believe now that true love is knowing everything about someone and them knowing everything about you and accepting each other. We all need to be loved for who we are. We question whether anything less can really be called love. So that's our vote.

[des1re06]

Sounds like a great show. We don't get that channel though.

Having been in a relationship full of secrets (ex) and one that is totally open and honest, I can say that it's so much more fulfilling to be in the latter.

Mrs. D

[gatorvol64]

I just can't keep secrets from Gator. And yes, I think if I was able to, I wouldn't be as close to him as I am or I may not even be married to him now. I've shared before that I am a private person and I truly had a difficult time with some of this in the beginning. Just as I struggle with Tech at times now. But, now, I have the advantage of knowing what it can add to our relationship and it makes it easier for me to open up faster.

Vol

[Chicup]

Non-Swingers - Secrets from spouse.
Swingers - Secrets from family, friends, work, church, etc.

We just trade one set of secrets for another unless its one of the rare truly 'out' couples.

I think secrets from your spouse is worse but I do wish I could tell my inlaws, 'hey could you watch the kids tonight, yea its one of those nights we won't be back until after 3 so we will pick them up in the morning.'

[ktimephoenix]

Chicup, i don't see keeping details of your sex life private from other people outside your relationship as any different between vanilla or swingers. i'm sure most vanilla couples don't tell their preist that the wife likes sodomy, or tell their co-workers that they like to be tied up and flogged, or tell their mother in law that doggy is their favorite position.

if your priest/coworkers/inlaws are the type that you would share that sort of detail with, then i wouldnt hesitate to tell them that you swing. the friends in my life that i do talk to about those things are the ones that know what Mrs P and i get up to.

just as i would feel uncomfortable telling my mother that Mrs P. and I had sex in the spa at a vanilla party, i feel uncomfortable telling her that Mrs P and i went back to another couples house for a full swap. i'll give her the same details i'd gve her from a vanilla party. we danced, we drank with friends, we laughed, chatted, and soaked up the atmosphere.

Secrets between your spouse? my gut keeps telling me there would be instances where it'd be less hurtful to your partner to keep secrets but i cannot think of one instance where that would be true.

Mrs P. and I were "lucky" in that we pretty much hit the same "i'm sick of hiding my fantasies" point at the same time... about a week before we met

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by ktimephoenix

Chicup, i don't see keeping details of your sex life private from other people outside your relationship as any different between vanilla or swingers. i'm sure most vanilla couples don't tell their preist that the wife likes sodomy, or tell their co-workers that they like to be tied up and flogged, or tell their mother in law that doggy is their favorite position.

You guys are kids, wait until you need baby sitters, have long time coworker friends who know your life story, and are at a point in life where you are not expected to make new friends and suddenly have 10 new 'friends' and are too busy for old Saturday bridge night.

Lies, lies, lies. At the very LEAST lies of omission.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by TNT

I'm wondering if anyone thinks that a really, truly, happy marriage (swinging or not) can be had if secrets are kept?

I think if one partner is purposefully keeping information from their partner it is going to cause a rift between them eventually.

[ktimephoenix]

Originally Posted by Chicup

You guys are kids, wait until you need baby sitters, have long time coworker friends who know your life story, and are at a point in life where you are not expected to make new friends and suddenly have 10 new 'friends' and are too busy for old Saturday bridge night.

Lies, lies, lies. At the very LEAST lies of omission.

That is the point i am making... Omission isn't lying. if you were to get a babysitter because you were going to see a movie, would you be expected to give a blow by blow recollection of the entire film? if you were getting a sitter for a wedding, would it be assumed that you would recite the vows? why is it a problem to tell the family member/babysitter that "your going to a party with some friends" and leave it at that?

i must be missing something, but even my parents (over 60) are still making new friends, and they aren't swingers... didn't know that there was a cutoff age for friendship.

as for the friend that knows your life story... quite frankly, if i were trusting someone with my life story, with that intimate a detail, i would trust them enough to tell them that i swing. in fact, i have told/admitted to my lifelong friends just that.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by ktimephoenix

That is the point i am making... Omission isn't lying. if you were to get a babysitter because you were going to see a movie, would you be expected to give a blow by blow recollection of the entire film? if you were getting a sitter for a wedding, would it be assumed that you would recite the vows? why is it a problem to tell the family member/babysitter that "your going to a party with some friends" and leave it at that?

i must be missing something, but even my parents (over 60) are still making new friends, and they aren't swingers... didn't know that there was a cutoff age for friendship.

as for the friend that knows your life story... quite frankly, if i were trusting someone with my life story, with that intimate a detail, i would trust them enough to tell them that i swing. in fact, i have told/admitted to my lifelong friends just that.

Give it time, and you may see what I mean.

You are missing something, experience. People expect reasonable answers when you try to explain to your parents why you need over night babysitting, just out of curiosity if nothing else.

Successful middle aged couples with young children and full time jobs don't go out till 3AM on Saturday night under most circumstances. When I was 20 they wouldn't bat an eye at it, now its just simply not what adults do on a regular basis.

Let me give you a hypothetical discussion.

Mother: So where did you go so late Saturday?
Me: To some friends place.
Mother: Oh who?
Me: Fred and Willma's
Mother: Are they from work?
Me: Old friends of (my wife) from college (who we really met at a strip club meet and greet)
Mother: Oh what did you do?
Me: Oh had dinner and watched some movies. (pornos, but not a lie)
Mother: Oh what did you see?
Me: (insert lie here).

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by cupl4fun

There was a time when Mrs. Cupl and I had secrets and our marriage almost failed. Now we share everything and we've never been happier. We believe now that true love is knowing everything about someone and them knowing everything about you and accepting each other. We all need to be loved for who we are. We question whether anything less can really be called love. So that's our vote.

There was a time we were this exact way. Our marriage almost ended as a result of secrets and NO communication. When we started talking about swinging, things just go so much better. There isn't anything in the world better than that.

[gatorvol64]

Chicup, I understand what you are saying here. I never noticed how nosy my family is until I started swinging.

Vol