All these secrets....

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Non-Swingers - Secrets from spouse.
Swingers - Secrets from family, friends, work, church, etc.

We just trade one set of secrets for another unless its one of the rare truly 'out' couples.

I think secrets from your spouse is worse but I do wish I could tell my inlaws, 'hey could you watch the kids tonight, yea its one of those nights we won't be back until after 3 so we will pick them up in the morning.'

Yes we trade one set of secret keeping for another, BUT, we are sharing the secret with the person we are in it with.. OR in other words the private lines of communication are open.. and the rest are kept in the dark..

[RW1F]

I've never made any "vows" to my family or friends that included "I will tell you all about my sex life". I also don't spend 95% of my non-work, non-sleeping hours with my family or friends like I do with my wife. Honesty is a main component in a relationship and although some people may survive living a life of lies and half-truths with their spouse I can't see how they can truly call themselves happy while looking in the mirror.

[ktimephoenix]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Give it time, and you may see what I mean.

You are missing something, experience. People expect reasonable answers when you try to explain to your parents why you need over night babysitting, just out of curiosity if nothing else.

Successful middle aged couples with young children and full time jobs don't go out till 3AM on Saturday night under most circumstances. When I was 20 they wouldn't bat an eye at it, now its just simply not what adults do on a regular basis.

Let me give you a hypothetical discussion.

Mother: So where did you go so late Saturday?
Me: To some friends place.
Mother: Oh who?
Me: Fred and Willma's
Mother: Are they from work?
Me: Old friends of (my wife) from college (who we really met at a strip club meet and greet)
Mother: Oh what did you do?
Me: Oh had dinner and watched some movies. (pornos, but not a lie)
Mother: Oh what did you see?
Me: (insert lie here).

how would you handle that conversation if you and your wife went out for a "date" night and ended up having a night of passion? would you have told your mother details of who did what position?

[cocpl2007]

Originally Posted by des1re06

Sounds like a great show. We don't get that channel though.

Having been in a relationship full of secrets (ex) and one that is totally open and honest, I can say that it's so much more fulfilling to be in the latter.

Mrs. D

Ditto!

As for the comments about "secrets" being kept from family members, colleagues, friends: Not telling them about your sex life is generally just common courtesy. We do not have any desire to know the sexual preferences of my parents, siblings or colleagues for that matter. That is part of what keeps our Vanilla world separate from our play-world.

[Chicup]

Just to be clear, I don't compare lies to family/friends on the same level as lies to ones spouse. If I did, I wouldn't be a swinger.

That being said, this isn't about details of ones sexual life, its about hiding who we are, who we know, and what we do. If this wasn't the issue than there would be no worry about being 'outed'.

A corollary of this is that so many of us can't share our happiness, etc we find in swinging with our old vanilla friends and family. I remember the first time we played, my wife said the worst part was doing something so amazing and not being able to tell anyone about it. Its having a life changing event and needing to pretend nothing is changed.

Whats amusing to me is most people who know us think we have a VERY boring social life. My favorite line came from a conversation some female acquaintances of mine were having where they were doing a 'what TV show would be your life' and one of them said if my life were a TV show it would be canceled as it would be too boring to watch. I agreed and had a bit of a laugh inside.