When is it time to throw in the towel?

[theflamekasters]

We have been in the lifestyle for about a year, and have had some great experience and some horrible experiences. I know drama, and all kinds of shit come with the ls, but why is the hell is it so hard? Last night a cpl came over we had been hanging out with, and really enjoyed. We had done some soft swap, but not full swap yet. THat was the plan for last night, we watched a porn, had some drinks and the girl went out side to the hammock, a few min later we went out side to see what was going on, a few minutes later we came inside, to make a long story short, somthing very small made the other man upset, then it was over, then the wife and i got into and fought until sun up.This was the final straw,so she deleted our sls profile and said we are done. This is fine with me becuase i love my wife and only need her. So my question is this, when do you throw in the towel? What makes you know that it is time to get out the the lifestyle? I really need some input on this thanks

[Alura]

"You've got to ac-cen-tu-ate the positive,
"E-lim-in-ate the negative,
"Latch on to the af-firm-a-tive,
"Don't mess with nothin' in between..."
... or however that old song goes...

It's hard to find a compatible couple and when one does, it's hard to keep communication at a level that will keep "drama" from arising.'

We're not swingers most of the time. In fact, over the past twenty-eight years we've played with five couples. Three couples were playmates for a long time and two ended after the first "trial fuck." We've gone for long periods of time in between playmates. Fortunately, the "lifestyle" is not an important part of our marriage, so it doesn't bother us if we're in a long dry spell.

Now, in order to accentuate the positive, I'd suggest that when y'all find a couple y'all get along with, get to know them as friends and nurture the friendship. If there's a problem, talk to them about it.

To eliminate the negative, just quit playing with a couple who presents a hassle.

Don't put up with drama just to get laid once in a while and never argue with your spouse about a play situation. It's good to talk about it, but never raise your voice and speak in an accusatory manner.

Mr. Alura

[knb2004]

Originally Posted by theflamekasters

then the wife and i got into and fought until sun up.

I would say that if anything lifestyle related causes the above to happen, even if mitigated by the actions (justified or not) of the other couple, then at the very least some long, sober reflection is required. We've seen some drama in the lifestyle, but fortunately have never been personally involved. Nor have we ever fought until sun up about anything, lifestyle or otherwise.

If you find you are around drama frequently, perhaps you are the source, instead of the victim? I don't know you, if I'm wrong please accept my apologies, but it's like marriage... Once you hit your fifth divorce, ya gotta start to think that you just might be part of the problem.

[VegasLee]

When you are not having fun and enjoying your life and you are adding drama then it is time to move on and find what works for you in your life.

People forget, this lifestyle is NOT FOR EVERYONE. Very, very few really can deal with it long term.

It is not worth it if you go through would you have described.

Find a hobby that works for you two and enjoy it. It really is simple but most everyone makes life and this lifestyle much harder then it has to be.

Good luck to you in your future.

[theflamekasters]

Originally Posted by knb2004

I would say that if anything lifestyle related causes the above to happen, even if mitigated by the actions (justified or not) of the other couple, then at the very least some long, sober reflection is required. We've seen some drama in the lifestyle, but fortunately have never been personally involved. Nor have we ever fought until sun up about anything, lifestyle or otherwise.

If you find you are around drama frequently, perhaps you are the source, instead of the victim? I don't know you, if I'm wrong please accept my apologies, but it's like marriage... Once you hit your fifth divorce, ya gotta start to think that you just might be part of the problem.

our fight was not just about what had happened. i dont feel like we have had that much drama, but we have very little tolerance with it. I am rather intense, and can intimadate some one who is not a strong personaility, i am not pushy, and my strong personality has been an issue to some, we have some great friends in the ls, and we want to maitain friendsship with them, my point is i can stay home and have amazing sex with the woman i love, and not have to put up with other people issues, we have talked to the couple that came over last night alot today, and we are cool with them, want to maintain a friendship. will play time ever happen, at this point i doubt it, but with us, it is more like a brewing effect, we dont fight alot, but when we do it is compounded by other things then what set it off in the first place. and a little fyi the other cplt that was here, didnt leave until around 3:30 or 4:00 this mornin. so to fight until sun up wasnt a huge drawn out fight

[ownerspet]

You present a good question concerning drama and when to throw in the towel. However, the more important question that needs to be asked here, is one that is personal to each individual and couple in the lifestyle. "How do you deal with and/or mitigate/reduce the drama?"

You haven't mentioned what the man was upset about, other than it being small. And you did not mention what you and your spouse were arguing over. As a result of the lack of information, it's hard for me to give advice in the event that you stay in the lifestyle.

So allow me to start by explaining how we approach swinging in general that I believe allows us to avoid some drama and reduce drama. After every social or night out around swingers, it's not really a scheduled discussion, but we tend to discuss every little thing that goes wrong or that we are uncomfortable with (whether it's a person or some happening in the evening). I think for us we are slowly learning who the other may be or may not be comfortable with as well as other situations. If it were something one of us were doing, I would hope both of us have the boldness to tell the other that we were doing something that was out of line. Sometimes I think we (us and humans in general) feel like we do no wrong without realizing it, but because of different perspectives sometimes self-evaluation of one's actions or attitude is necessary to find the root of a problem with others. In addition to this, we have been taking the swing journey slowly so that we can minimize drama along the way and enjoy life. Maybe we've been lucky lately, as I realize it will not and has not always went smoothly. Although, I think that these informal discussions allow us to learn from our experiences and move forward with a position of slightly more wisdom.

In order to be able to learn from these experiences, you must maintain your communication at a high level of openness between you and your significant other. You will probably never be able to avoid drama completly but by taking these lines of action I think many of us can at least cut back on the drazma.

thats my 2 cents....

[theflamekasters]

Originally Posted by ownerspet

You haven't mentioned what the man was upset about other than it being small. And you did not mention what you and your spouse were arguing over.


In order to be able to learn from these experiences, you must maintain your communication at a high level of openness between you and your significant other. You will probably never be able to avoid drama completly but by taking these lines of action I think many of us can at least cut back on the drazma.

thats my 2 cents....

hewas up set becuase we where all out side and we headed to the bed room, her and i started making out and she took off her shirt while he was getting a drink before he got in there, didnt know it was an issue or i would of waited.

my wife and i fought about alot, but it started becuase i got angry at the situation, and it bothers her that i get angry.

i understand the open comunication, sometimes we dont do a great job of it, but we do try, and in alot of ways we are much better then we use to be, and as far as the other cpl, like i said if i new there was an issue, i would have waited, plus he apologized to us for gettin upset, and we have made peace with them and all is ok with them. this was just kinda the final nail in the coffin so to speak, and it wasn't so much them, as we are tired of dealing with others insecurities, the mrs and i have a insecutiries with each other, and we do tell eachother everything that happens always!

[theflamekasters]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

When you are not having fun and enjoying your life and you are adding drama then it is time to move on and find what works for you in your life.

People forget, this lifestyle is NOT FOR EVERYONE. Very, very few really can deal with it long term.

It is not worth it if you go through would you have described.

Find a hobby that works for you two and enjoy it. It really is simple but most everyone makes life and this lifestyle much harder then it has to be.

Good luck to you in your future.

thank u lee!

[socolais]

Originally Posted by theflamekasters

...but it started becuase i got angry at the situation, and it bothers her that i get angry.

If you're looking for something constructive, have a deep look at your anger management and see if that may have contributed to the escalation of hurt feelings. Is there a way you can manage it better?

[Edison Carter]

Ed here-- So, you've soft played before, you've all been naked together,he goes to get drinks and when he comes back she's topless and making out with you. He's upset because you 'started' without him. All you needed to do in that situation was apologize and move on. If he stayed angry, you just keep apologizing until he calms down. No harm in that.

Yet, the fact he was upset shows a certain sexual immaturity. In that he has certain concise expectations of how the Play should go and if there's any variation, he gets upset. In other words, he's looking for trouble because he's not completely comfortable. I could never imagine during any Playtime walking into a room and be angry that my Susan is having sex. It would be like going to a rock concert and complaining that it was loud.

Seems to me like you need to 1. control your emotions better and realize that an apology costs nothing (have no ego to bruise) a 2. select your playmates better.

[theflamekasters]

Originally Posted by Edison Carter

Ed here-- So, you've soft played before, you've all been naked together,he goes to get drinks and when he comes back she's topless and making out with you. He's upset because you 'started' without him. All you needed to do in that situation was apologize and move on. If he stayed angry, you just keep apologizing until he calms down. No harm in that.

Yet, the fact he was upset shows a certain sexual immaturity. In that he has certain concise expectations of how the Play should go and if there's any variation, he gets upset. In other words, he's looking for trouble because he's not completely comfortable. I could never imagine during any Playtime walking into a room and be angry that my Susan is having sex. It would be like going to a rock concert and complaining that it was loud.

Seems to me like you need to 1. control your emotions better and realize that an apology costs nothing (have no ego to bruise) a 2. select your playmates better.

understand what u are saying, i guess what got all over me is that this is a cpl that has been in the ls longer then us, and we just "clicked" and when he was mad he just walked out, and she went to talk to him, he apologized for over reacting.

The thing i want to make clear, is we are ok with them, this is just kinda the straw that broke the camels back, know what i mean

[gatorvol64]

Things build up. I understand that. However, something that you and your wife should find fun, should not cause you to fight. If it causes one between you, something isn't right. Discussing differences of opinions is not the same as an argument. One is done rationally and the other is not.

I'm glad you've worked things out with the couple in question. That's important. Now, you need to make sure things are right between the two of you....you and your wife. That is even more important. This lifestyle should never come between you. Take a break until you can make sure that it doesn't.

Good luck,
Vol

[gnb4u]

Originally Posted by theflamekasters

The thing i want to make clear, is we are ok with them, this is just kinda the straw that broke the camels back, know what i mean

One probably shouldn't be in the lifestyle with a camel that's loaded to maximum capacity. There are a hell of a lot of straws out there.

A lot of the lifestyle is about straw management. If you can step back and learn to manage the daily straw accumulation then it may be worth a second look after you have learned to deal with the things that ARE going to happen over time.

The time to throw in the towel is when you realize the fact that the daily straw accumulation is and is always going to be more than what you can handle.

If being involved in the lifestyle is causing fights and stress and drama and you can't seem to get past that then it is time to gracefully bow out and focus on your marriage as a traditional twosome. Marriage is stressfull and complex enough under the best of circumstances and the lifestyle is meant to inject some adult fun and R & R into it. If it is just adding to the stressors then it should be dropped.

[tribbles]

i got angry at the situation, and it bothers her that i get angry.

I get grumpy at the situations we find sometimes. Generally if either of us feels unhappy, even for a bit, we call for a break and don't play with others. We spend time with each other and also talk about what happened and how we want to deal with it in the future....sometimes with the added bit of "if we go back to playing with others".

So for now...STOP.

Go back if you ever both feel ready. Go back with new insights gained from the experiences you have had.

Or never go back.

It's just a hobby. It's for Fun.
You can do lots of other hobbies and fun stuff.

Just keep loving each other. And it will be alright.

[theflamekasters]

Originally Posted by tribbles

I get grumpy at the situations we find sometimes. Generally if either of us feels unhappy, even for a bit, we call for a break and don't play with others. We spend time with each other and also talk about what happened and how we want to deal with it in the future....sometimes with the added bit of "if we go back to playing with others".

So for now...STOP.

Go back if you ever both feel ready. Go back with new insights gained from the experiences you have had.

Or never go back.

It's just a hobby. It's for Fun.
You can do lots of other hobbies and fun stuff.

Just keep loving each other. And it will be alright.

i think that is where we really are, there are a few cpl we would really miss, but just take a break from it all, and move back into it slowly. thank u for the advice, you put in the same way i was feelin honestly.