Relationships that began with cheating....and jealousy

[JustAskJulie]

Tonight's episode of SwingTown brought up an issue I've seen a few times among couples I've known in the lifestyle. That is couples whose relationship started while one or both was still involved in another relationship.

The example on SwingTown tonight was that Trina and Tom first met when Tom was in a committed relationship with someone else and Trina was basically the other woman.

I've seen the same thing with other couples whether it was one or both, and almost always just as with Trina in tonight's episode there is the worry that the partner who started off the relationship by cheating with someone else will eventually do the same thing to the new partner.

So, I guess my questions for discussion...
Did your relationship start while one or both of you were still involved in a prior committed relationship? If so, do you ever worry that they might cheat on you? Do you believe there is always going to be a bit of "worry" in these relationships? Do you believe that a relationship that starts out like this can really work? How do you feel about swinging with couples when you know this is the case in their relationship? Does it make you worry that there is more likely to be drama in their relationship?

[realcplub2]

In our case no.. However we have had over the years two seperate incidents where we were both approached seperately by one or the other in a couples situation and they were seeking to set up one on one meets..

The first case was the first couple we were intimate with, they were older, lived a good 75 miles away. We played regularly with them for the better part of four months, when first, HE showed up and the Mrs job, and wanted to take her to lunch..claimed he was on business in the area and stopped in.. innocent enough right... but he was acting weird and she declined.. literally that afternoon, SHE gets online and a simple chat gets down right dirty, verging on cybersex.. when she asks me to meet her at the motel we use as the half way point in the morning..

The downfall in all of this is that, we both tell each other everything.. And this was the end of all of this, we made a phone call that evening and politely explained that, why we enjoy thier company this isnt what we are all about.. we are in this as a couple.. not looking for replacements for what we already have..

The second was a male half of a couple, again people we had gotten to know real well, and then HE decided to step over the line.. except this wasnt for an inoccent lunch, this was flat out asking for a afternoon alone.. we dealt with this a bit differently, I made our usual play date for a day later, and when we got there, we all sat down and talked.. we left 20 minutes later, and HIS wife was dealing with him..

Now to address Julies question I can see how it can happen, and of course the old phrase the grass is always greener.. BUT.. I guess I see it differently, because we engage in the lifestyle as a means to sexplore the fantasies we have had, but we do it TOGETHER.. for our mutual statisfaction and enjoyment.. again we arent looking for replacements for what we have, just add ons to make it run even hotter...

[ncmd_couple]

Hmmm... Well, when we met we were both divorced, but "L" was having affairs with two different men which she broke off when she met me. And I was pretty much playing the field. Yes, I think that her past relationships do concern her as she was the other woman at one point. But I think that she now knows that I would openly express my interest in advance and would not cheat on her. There is one lady that she has said is off limits and why, and I fully respect her reasons and wouldn't go there.

S

[cataryna]

I've never been the other woman but I think if I ever were it would definitely be something that would worry me. You know the old adage "If he did it to her with me, what's to stop him from doing the same thing to me." Is that right to judge a current relationship based on a prior one? Nope, but I think it's something everyone does in some form or another. It can't be helped.

Whether it can work or not...They are going to seriously have to communicate well and work on trusting eachother, which is already hard in a relationship that didn't start out that way....I can imagine it would be considerably more difficult in one that did.

As for us playing with couples where that has happened. No. It's something we steer clear from if we know about it. We firmly believe that relationships are built on trust and respect. In our minds, if someone has cheated their way into their current relationship they did not have respect for their initial partner then what's going to make us think they'll have respect for us and our relationship. So no, we would not play with someone who cheats or is in their current relationship because of cheating.

[Alura]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

So, I guess my questions for discussion...
Did your relationship start while one or both of you were still involved in a prior committed relationship?

Hmmmm. Our relationship started when Mrs. Alura was still married to her first husband, but I'm not sure one could call it a "committed relationship." He was in the military, stationed in Germany. They had decided to divorce but Mrs. Alura was still living with him in an agreement that she would stay until he was reposted to the United States, only a period of weeks. That way, he could leave Germany as a married officer but arrive at Ft. Ord single, thus avoiding the wagging tongues at the Officers' Wives' Club.

If so, do you ever worry that they might cheat on you?

I've never worried that she might cheat on me.

Do you believe there is always going to be a bit of "worry" in these relationships?

No, the antidote to "worry" is love and communication. Tom and Trina seem to have that in spades.

Do you believe that a relationship that starts out like this can really work?

I can't speak for others but we've been together for twenty-eight years, married for twenty-six.

How do you feel about swinging with couples when you know this is the case in their relationship?

I doubt I'd worry about it. I'd focus more on the friendship and the situation now.

Does it make you worry that there is more likely to be drama in their relationship?

I would not worry about the prospect of drama in their relationship. I think we'd take the folks at face value and not concern ourselves with what might be. Whenever we've experienced actual drama in our playcouple's relationship, we've simply stopped playing with them. It usually wasn't a choice on our part as they had their own problems to face.

We did have one experience with a couple with whom we played for several years. As a complete surprise to us as well as her husband, (It happened three days after a playdate!) his wife of thirty years announced she was leaving him for another man, a co-worker who was also leaving his wife and children for her. They were quickly divorced.

After a few years her ex-husband, a college professor, fell in love with a grad student and married her. They're quite happy now but don't swing.

The love relationship between his ex-wife and her lover didn't last very long. He went back to his wife and kids. So far as I know she's still living alone.

Mr. Alura

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

So, I guess my questions for discussion...
Did your relationship start while one or both of you were still involved in a prior committed relationship? If so, do you ever worry that they might cheat on you? Do you believe there is always going to be a bit of "worry" in these relationships? Do you believe that a relationship that starts out like this can really work? How do you feel about swinging with couples when you know this is the case in their relationship? Does it make you worry that there is more likely to be drama in their relationship?

These are all very good questions. To answer in order:
No.

N/a.

I think that there is a tendency to worry. None of my relationships has started because we were cheating on our respective partners...but I have been cheated on...and there is that heightened sense of paranoia within a relationship after that...I would speculate that same feeling would come back up after the 'newness' wears off if that was how the relationship began.

As for knowing that kind of information about our play partners...even if someone asked 'How did you meet?' I'm not sure someone would say 'Well it all started when we were having an affair...' So if there was any drama then we might just chalk it up to their own personal dynamic and not know the root cause of it.

For Tom and Trina...I don't recall if the other commited relationship was a marriage...and I don't think they've given enough backstory to show what precipitated their venture into swinging. I think that part of her worry was explained in the episode last night where it basically amounts to re-creating the events that lead to their relationship (long periods of time away, being close with co-workers, etc), would he be apt to do it again?

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Did your relationship start while one or both of you were still involved in a prior committed relationship? If so, do you ever worry that they might cheat on you? Do you believe there is always going to be a bit of "worry" in these relationships? Do you believe that a relationship that starts out like this can really work? How do you feel about swinging with couples when you know this is the case in their relationship? Does it make you worry that there is more likely to be drama in their relationship?

JoAnn was "the other woman" when we first met. She watches me closely. She reads my actions so accurately it seems almost as if she can look directly into my mind. I regret to say I do make her worry. How she and I met is part of the story we give each new couple we meet. Some have told us similar stories. Does not put us off the trail. We stay watchful and stay happy. And, yes, our relationship works. Very well. And besides, she has told me what would happen if she caught me "being bad".

~Michael