Dealing with Rejection

[JustAskJulie]

Rejection takes two forms... learning to give it and learning to recieve it with grace. I was thinking about this this weekend and how while we all know what we probably should do (or rather what would be the nice thing to do) in regards to giving rejection... the reality is that the reason why we don't do those things is because of the number of people who can't take rejection.

It's much easier as humans to just ignore someone, not respond to their email, etc than to flat out say "sorry we're just not interested in you", and if you are in a situation where you are going to have to see those people again it makes it even more difficult.

We had an occasion this weekend where "not tonight" got such a bad response I don't want to find out what "never" is going to illicit and with the chance that we will have to run into these people again. It's much easier to walk away from the potential drama and hopefully avoid them and it in the future than to risk an explosion should we be upfront with them and say "sorry but we're not interested"... which would then lead to "Well you were initially, what happened". And then what do you say "well we were interested until he opened his mouth one too many times".

Pairing that with situations I've personally encountered where even a simple "thanks but we aren't interested" or "Thanks but we don't feel we are a good match" in an email leads to a barrage of emails from said person wanting to know "WHY?" and it's no wonder that so many people (including us) just don't respond to emails from people they aren't interested in.

[Alura]

I've been rejected so many times in my life it's like water off a duck's back in my later years. As swingers, we've only been rejected once, and that was years ago. We got a note card in the mail which said, "We're not interested." Of course, we didn't answer.

I don't see any alternative to "Sorry, we're not interested," if a couple really feels that way. Anything else would be short on honesty and a cause for drama to unfold.

Mr. Alura

[Pensacolapair]

We blogged about this a bit here http://http://www.swingersboard.com/...rejection.html

Here's the short version:

A fear of rejection is probably one of the most common fears that people have, some to a larger degree than others. It applies and can handicap participation in just about any endeavor requiring interaction with other people - careers, dating, relationships and on and on. There is quite a bit of psychology behind the fear of rejection..but what's important is one's ability (or inability) to deal with it. That holds doubly true if you actually plan on doing something with others in the Lifestyle. In our opinion, the simple fact of the matter is:

IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE REJECTION, THE LIFESTYLE IS DEFINITELY NOT FOR YOU!!

The starting point for anyone should be don't take it personal. The first place that many people tend to turn to when someone else rejects or ignores them is inward - "what did we do wrong? Yes, it could be something about you or your approach; but it could just as easily be them. If you put your ego on hold and look at things objectively, you'll usually be able to see if it's something distasteful in general that you are doing. For example: Loud, obnoxious or rude personalities tend to spend a lot of time on the sidelines of any social endeavour.

Within the Lifestyle, rejection is, and always will be a two-way street...because not everyone is going to be interested in you, nor are you going to be interested in everyone. Most people have to have some amount of attraction for a potential playmate...even those who are into 'sport-fucking' have standards - their default setting is just a lot lower. As much as many may not want to hear it, having realistic expectations arrived at by taking an honest look at one's self would keep a lot of folks from getting their feelings hurt. Regardless of how you go about meeting potential playmates, you are going to both reject and be rejected..it's the nature of the beast. If you can't simply chalk it up to, "These people aren't interested in us" and let it go, then you are going to be a very unhappy camper.

As far as what we do when we encounter someone who can't deal with 'No Thanks'... if they ask why, we say that the 'spark' we need isn't there. If they want any more than that, it's reason to end the conversation. If annoying IMs or emails persist..that's what the 'block' button is for.

[two42lovers]

Never answer why, and never offer a reason. Not ever. The reason is because you don't feel it. Period. We basically say "we are feeling it isn't a match, but we do wish you the best sexy adventures." If they write back asking why, we'd block them without answering. (It's really the most polite response possible when a person you are not interested in is asking you to justify your choices.)

We don't often go to clubs or "open to all" parties, so we've never had to repeatedly see people who were hounding us for explainations about our preferances. Sounds creepy.

[good times]

Yea, it is interesting how our methods of dealing with folks we aren't interested in has changed over the years. For the most part, we have found that we don't really have to reject very many people. The reason for that is that most people want to avoid being rejected so much that subtle hints are usually good enough for them to quit asking. On the other hand, their are always going to be those couples that take the direct approach, and sometimes they don't even get it then. It amazes me how many times we have had folks that we came right out and told we weren't interested in playing with them, ever, come back later and ask us if we have changed our mind.

The hardest one for us is actually with people you have played with once, that you decide it wasn't all that and don't want to go their again. Most of the time, after a few to many, "not tonight's" they get the hint. But every once in a while you just have to tell them straight out that you don't want to play with them again. Sadly, it has been our experience that the ones you have to tell outright are usually those dreaded "drama" couples, which makes it even worse.

[Pepper & Drew]

Next time a couple behaves badly when you tell them no thanks, you should thank them. Tell them, "we appreciate your honesty. You've proven that our initial instincts about not wanting to play with you were absolutely correct. It's not very often that we get such confirmation."

I've said it by email. I haven't had the chance to say it in person yet, but I'm ready.

Don't people realize that they're not going to convince anyone by behaving that way?

Pepper

[2insandiego4u]

We're only a few months into the lifestyle and this is already something we have learned to deal with. The Mrs. definitely has a harder time with it than the Mr. in our case! We have been rejected and also rejected others, and are learning to take it in stride. If we reject someone, we tell them that we feel it is best to be honest in this lifestyle, and that we just did not feel the spark we are looking for.

We completely agree with the poster above; if you can't take rejection, this lifestyle is not for you!

[sweet_tna]

I agree that the inability to handle rejection is a big reason why a lot of folks avoid responding to emails and the like.

No one likes to be rejected, but it's part and parcel of the lifestyle. And really, those rejections are usually all based on the same reason--lack of chemistry.

So what's the harm in just saying, "Sorry, but I don't think we're a match at this time," and leave it at that? As much as the other couple should be mature enough to accept that response, we should all be mature enough to give it.

Off my soapbox now . ..

=)

[two42lovers]

Tell them, "we appreciate your honesty. You've proven that our initial instincts about not wanting to play with you were absolutely correct. It's not very often that we get such confirmation."

Doesn't the "we thought you were creeps and now you've confirmed it" zinger open a big can of worms? A lot like throwing salt in the wound? Seems like it could really agitate a lot of hurt feelings and even anger, and could end up biting you.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by sweet_tna

So what's the harm in just saying, "Sorry, but I don't think we're a match at this time," and leave it at that? As much as the other couple should be mature enough to accept that response, we should all be mature enough to give it.

I have learned to NEVER use the "not at this time" it leaves the door open to a "what about later?" or "what do you mean not at this time?".

The hardest part comes when it's someone that you have already expressed some interest in then they have gone on to kill any interest you had.... those times when one minute it's "let's hook up later" then 5 minutes later it's "I never want to see you again". Worse yet when it's someone that you know you will probably have to see again.

[2insandiego4u]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

Doesn't the "we thought you were creeps and now you've confirmed it" zinger open a big can of worms? A lot like throwing salt in the wound? Seems like it could really agitate a lot of hurt feelings and even anger, and could end up biting you.

We're not sure if we would go there too. Doing that would probably escalate things with some couples. We would probably be more inclined to just ignore them after we've made it clear we are not interested.

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I have learned to NEVER use the "not at this time" it leaves the door open to a "what about later?" or "what do you mean not at this time?".

The hardest part comes when it's someone that you have already expressed some interest in then they have gone on to kill any interest you had.... those times when one minute it's "let's hook up later" then 5 minutes later it's "I never want to see you again". Worse yet when it's someone that you know you will probably have to see again.

I can see the wisdom in eliminating the "at this time" from the response, given your experiences. Otherwise, I'm standing my ground on this one.

=)

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

Doesn't the "we thought you were creeps and now you've confirmed it" zinger open a big can of worms? A lot like throwing salt in the wound? Seems like it could really agitate a lot of hurt feelings and even anger, and could end up biting you.

So they'll be mad. They're already hurt and angry, otherwise they wouldn't have shown an attitude. If someone is going to show their ass to me because I've NICELY told them I'm not interested, then I'll show my ass right back. A lot of times, people pull that crap because they think you'll be cowed, or that you'll say ok just to shut them up. If they didn't understand a polite decline, maybe they'll understand a more direct one.

Of the two weirdo couples we met that wouldn't leave us alone even though we told them politely that we weren't interested, both of them got the hint after we weren't so nice. I don't advocate being a total bitch or asshole to people, but if you can't buy a clue, we have no problem giving you a loan...

Pepper

[JustMrJ]

I'll drop my 2¢ in on this...

I was a military brat growing up and probably had more than the average amount of 'rejection'. I also was a VERY skinny, 5'11" teen, that slouched. And I had to force myself to build up my own self esteem.

My wife is not Barbie, but she's not the Wicked Witch of the West either. She's got a beautiful personality.

We both have had rejections before... either past boyfriends/girlfriends, regular people we were hoping would be our friends or even casual encounters on the street.

I like to think that we both have a VERY good handle on taking and giving rejection with grace and calm. No malice do we perceive or give.

We will continue in this wonderful Lifestyle and continue to keep our skin thick and our hearts soft.

*HUGS*