The Difference between Rules & Boundaries

[JustAskJulie]

In your mind, is there a difference between rules & boundaries? It seems like quite often we use them interchangably but then at the same time when we really discuss them they are two different things.

Many couples have a rule "book" it seems and some more experienced couples may say that "if they NEED rules then they are insecure or have issues".

While boundaries seem a little more fuzzy and comfortable they are just agreements that each couple has come to about the things they don't want to do.

Rules are hard and fast, non-changing, but then so typically are boundaries.

Why does it seem like while we often use the terms interchangably it is ok for us to have one (boundaries) but bad to have the other (rules)?

[partyof2ormore]

Very interesting question Julie. As a newbie, I'm very curious to see the responses on this one!

J & L

[two42lovers]

Aren't rules and boundaries the same? We've always seen them as the same thing...

[TNT]

Boundaries can be pushed, moved and changed. Rules are steadfast and unchanging...at least that's the way I look at it.


Teresa

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

Aren't rules and boundaries the same? We've always seen them as the same thing...

That IS the question

[two42lovers]

If a playmate said "these are my boundaries" we would consider it the ultimate no-no to push them about changing. If you tell us "these are our boundaries" we would never ask again. Seems like semantics to suggest there is a difference between boundaries and rules. Very interesting to hear when people say it they may not mean what we think they mean.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

If a playmate said "these are my boundaries" we would consider it the ultimate no-no to push them about changing. If you tell us "these are our boundaries" we would never ask again. Seems like semantics to suggest there is a difference between boundaries and rules. Very interesting to hear when people say it they may not mean what we think they mean.

I think you make a very good point.

If people use either term, we presume it means that's the way it is and we don't ask them to bend their rules/boundaries. Unless they tell us otherwise at some point, we figure that they are decided about how they play.

At the moment, I can only think of one rule we have and that is we never play alone unless we get the okay from the other first. We don't even use either of the words because we prefer "guidelines." We are very flexible and what we'll do and consider has never been an issue. Certainly there are things we won't do, but we don't worry about that, we'll just tell people we don't do that. We go with the flow and with what is presented with each couple we play with. More often their rules/boundaries are more important for us to know since some people can have limits that we couldn't play under.

When we've come to the point of discussing the possibility of sex, we tell people what we like and what we're open to and ask them to share the same. Can't recall ever telling people "these are our rules."

LM

[TNT]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

If a playmate said "these are my boundaries" we would consider it the ultimate no-no to push them about changing.

I wasn't looking at it as trying to change other's boundaries or rules. I was looking at it as rules/boundaries between a couple for themselves.

A boundary might be something that you're not quite comfortable with at the time, therefore it's up for possible change. A rule would be something that would never be changed...again, just the way I look at it.


Teresa

[sereneiders]

At first glance they're both the same. But giving a second tought, I'd say boundaries are the "what", while rules are the "how" to avoid reaching the "what".

For example, if the boundary is "no bareback sex", then the rule would be "we only have sex using condoms".

As for TNT interpretation, that reminds me of the difference people form the BDSM lifestyle does between "hard" and "soft" limits. We all have boundaries we know for sure they woun't change, and some other, perhaps pertaining to our confort levels, that we have today but we may ponder to drop in the future.

In any case, we may bring up some rule as a "recipe", a mean, to avoid crossing a boundary.

[JustAskJulie]

At first glance they're both the same. But giving a second tought, I'd say boundaries are the "what", while rules are the "how" to avoid reaching the "what".

For example, if the boundary is "no bareback sex", then the rule would be "we only have sex using condoms".

I think this might be onto something.

Here's where my thought came from, reading through an old thread Having Boundaries = personal hangups or jealousy
It wasn't something that I've seen stated outright but just something that I kinda read between the lines. Reading that thread it was almost as if we look at newbies as having "a list of rules" and that's a bad thing ... but yet everyone has boundaries and that's ok. As though what starts as a list of rules eventually gets narrowed down into our personal boundaries.

[socolais]

I think rules and boundaries are the same thing - limits on activities - activities someone is uncomfortable with or prefers to not do or have done to them. Sometimes those limits are based on insecurities (kissing) and sometimes limits are based on things that are not exciting to them.

We have a limit that's based on safety - no play behind locked doors. That would not likely be mentioned in a discussion of rules and boundaries because we feel it's pretty reasonable. If either of us were to go into a room with a playmate and the door got completely closed, we would open it just a crack so there's no way it could be accidently locked. We might not mention it even then unless there was some reaction or comment. We don't consider it a "rule" but rather a preference for open doors.

I had a playmate ask that I not nibble on her ears - that's a rule, boundary or limit that's not likely based on insecurity but rather her sexual preferences (sensitive ears). I happen to enjoy ear nibbling (mostly for the giggles and squirms). I want her to have fun so I'll be working with her list of preferences and we shouldn't even get close to any boundaries.

Beginners have an automattic alibis - they are expected to have some "unknowns" and it's much safer to establish play activities they feel comfortable with. Many limits are still likely to be based on insecurities, but that's ok, they're still exploring their comfort zone. It's smart to progress from the known to the unknown in comfortable steps.

[des1re06]

It's smart to progress from the known to the unknown in comfortable steps.

Totally agree. There were things we were not comfortable with in the beginning (ie separate rooms) that we are now okay with.

We may say that we don't enjoy play as much with a couple because of their boundaries (ie no kissing), but that doesn't mean we judge them because of it.

[Pensacolapair]

Looks like we've found yet another hard to define duo! As has been inferred, the two terms can be (and in practice often are) interchangable.

If we had to define them as we view them:

A boundry is something that has very little possiblity of changing and is considered part of the foundation of one's 'swing thing'. For example, a set of balls on his chin has never been something M has considered a turn-on, so he is straight... a boundry that will remain in place indefinatly!

A rule is something that reflects a current 'comfort zone'.. but could change as one moves down the Lifestyle path. Example: G initially had no interest in multiple partners at one time..she was more comfortable one-on-one. So one of our rules was 'no group-gropes'. However, a couple of years later we became really close friends with another couple and after watching one of their home movies after we got back home G expressed a curiosity about being the 'center of attention' and doing the same to the other woman. We discussed it and decided that the only way to quell her curiosity would be to try it... and that they would be ideal participants. The next time we got together with them, G had a blast! Needless to say, that 'rule' was recinded....!!

[theflamekasters]

Originally Posted by TNT

Boundaries can be pushed, moved and changed. Rules are steadfast and unchanging...at least that's the way I look at it.


Teresa

Well said Teresa!!

[Pensacolapair]

Originally Posted by TNT

Boundaries can be pushed, moved and changed. Rules are steadfast and unchanging...at least that's the way I look at it.


Teresa

Originally Posted by Pensacolapair

If we had to define them as we view them:

A boundry is something that has very little possiblity of changing and is considered part of the foundation of one's 'swing thing'.....

A rule is something that reflects a current 'comfort zone'.. but could change as one moves down the Lifestyle path......

Damn...talk about an example of interchangeability!!