The Difference between Rules & Boundaries

[TNT]

Originally Posted by Pensacolapair

Damn...talk about an example of interchangeability!!

Yep. That is funny.


Teresa

[rpu3]

This thread is interesting in and of itself and its timing. I've been thinking about boundaries a fair amount this weekend based on a friend basically stating he had no real boundaries in a given situation. A lack of boundaries can make a control freak like me nuts; I'm like a kid in a candy store that can't take her hands out of her pockets because there's no one telling me what kind of candy I'm allowed to take. Take anything you want doesn't work immediately!

Anyway... I digress. I can see where for many, the terms are interchangeable, and for others, there are subtle differences.

Sereneiders hit closest to my viewpoints. I think the two are related, but are subtly different.

I personally define a boundary as a line that says, “This is me. This is where I have total control and total say." YMMV, of course. This is just my working definition.

A rule is a something I put into place and then subsequently communicate to others (if needed) to manage the boundary. The rules keep my boundaries safe and allows others to not inadvertently cross that boundary that is important to me. Again, YMMV.

My boundaries can be rigid or can be flexible. For instance, a hard boundary may be I will allow no one to physically abuse me. But as used in a different post, using condoms with someone other than my spouse could be a boundary that might have room for flexibility depending on the person or circumstances. Or not. The rules, in turn, might be subject to change, depending on the boundary. The rules can be flexible or rigid, too.

Just my two cents.

[SW_PA_Couple]

OK, now you guys have done it. You have made me run to the dictionary. A real one, Webster's New World College Dictionary, Fourth Edition, not an Internet look-up.

boundary -- any line or thing marking a limit
rule -- an authoritative regulation for action, conduct, method, procedure or argument

Now I will try to fit these into the context. (1) I will draw a line (boundary) regarding anal sex such that I will allow no object or body part to enter my bottom. (2) Sue Johansen has given me a rule about vaginal sex; I should use a condom to prevent pregnancy or the contraction of an STD.

I purposely choose these examples to promote my contention that you can act apart from the rule much more easily. Anal sex is absolutely repellent to me so I would have to be drugged and tied to ever have it happen to me. Sue Johansen (an authority) has given the rule, my wife and I have agreed to follow it (another form of authority) but either she or I can decide relatively easily to disregard it in according to circumstance.

I have begun to substitute a related word when referring to house parties and other social events. People often speak of house rules. OK, but were are the police (authority) who are supposed to enforce these rules? I now advise invited guests on etiquette.

etiquette -- the forms, manners, and ceremonies established by convention as acceptable

Etiquette has a softer implication. The "police", I will contend, are the other Lifestyles people whose company you will enjoy at the party. If you breach etiquette, you will suffer their disapproval and scorn.

More than my two cents,

~Michael

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by SW_PA_Couple

Etiquette has a softer implication. The "police", I will contend, are the other Lifestyles people whose company you will enjoy at the party. If you breach etiquette, you will suffer their disapproval and scorn.

Golf is a great example of understanding etiquette (if we must add a third dimension to define...lol), Golf has rules, things you must do... but it has even more things that are just considered etiquette... these aren't think you MUST do but things you really should do just out of courtesy to the grounds and others. So in relation to a house party, I think quite often etiquette is really much more appropriate than rules. Don't pee on the seat... unless someone comes in right after you do it or sees you doing it, no one knows who does it so it can't be a rule (because it can't be enforced) but it is etiquette.

[JustAskJulie]

Here's my thoughts on the differences....

It seems like couples typically start off in swinging with many RULES. They have this list of hard and fast rules that they often feel they have to check every action against… is that ok? Is that within the rules? Often with one partner or the other getting upset because they feel that the other broke a rule that may not have been clearly defined to begin with. These types of rules may include, no kissing, that they must always be within touching distance, that every action has to be ok’ed by both parties before being executed, no touching below the waist, etc.

As a couple gains more experiences the rules disappear and what they are left with is comfortable boundaries like condoms must always be used for intercourse, same room swap only, no anal, no doing something with someone else that you don’t do with your own spouse. Boundaries are more often defined by the couples own need for safety and their own boundaries even within their own relationship. Boundaries are typically about making swinging work for them – it’s hard to fulfill a fantasy of seeing your wife with another man (or woman) if you play in separate rooms. Condom use may be required as a safety measure (against pregnancy as well as STDs).

[Mr. Sweet]

I guess I can throw my 2 cents in here too. I would have to agree with most of what everyone else has said, especially SW_PA_Couple and there added etiquette.

Mrs. Sweet and I have met people with a lot of rules/boundaries and then some with hardly any. But if you add in "respect" like SPOOMONKEY said in the thread that Julie linked to, you start to get the whole picture.

I think most everyone has a certain number of rules/guidelines, and it really doesn't matter which if you have enough "respect" to honor them. Like what has been discussed in many other threads, there are all types of swingers and they don't (and wont') all have to get along/play/be friends/get freaky/etc., BUT with luck they can all respect each other.

Yikes....I reread this and it sounds a bit preachy....must be Miller Time.

[sweet_tna]

I see it this way: Boundaries are our limits . . .the point to which we cannot be pushed further, but not fixed, either. Rules are the way we work to maintain those boundaries--like Monopoly. There are rules that tell us how to play the game, but our interpretation of those rules (say, like the No Parking space) is based on our comfort level. If we wish to collect the money we can choose to abide by a different set of rules for that round.

If my sexual boundary is no anal with anyone but each other, for example, then we express that to our partners with the "no anal" rule. In time, if I were to become more comfortable with anal sex, that rule could change.

That said, we do tend to use the terms interchangeably, because whatever someone's rule/boundary/limit/guidelines, we're going to respect them (and expect the same in return).


=)