Communication

[JustAskJulie]

As we often discuss here communication is one of the most important things a couple must have before they consider swinging. I was thinking about this today in terms of the advice that we give here... and in terms of a question that has come up before about how often we advise that a couple communicate but don't really tell them about what to communicate and what I realized is that the about "what" is everything.

If you don't feel that you can tell your partner ANYTHING and everything then you probably need to work on communication together. Communication builds trust and without those two things there is no way to be successful in a relationship let alone adding swinging to it.

That said.... what is your advice on how to increase communication? It's not an "you either have it or you don't" thing, you can build it if it's not there. What things have you done to help improve your communication with each other? What books have you read that you have found helpful in learning new ways to communicate and open up to each other?

[two42lovers]

Really listening and letting your partner know you've heard is the most important communication skill.

Most of us want to answer, to tell what we think, but listening means not giving your opinion. (At least not until your partner really feels heard. You'll give your thoughts when it's your partner's turn to listen.)

Best way to do it is to basically repeat back what you heard, and ask, "is that what you said?" Listen for what's important, feelings, needs. Ask open ended questions inviting your partner to share further and fully. Resist giving your opinion - even when you completely agree. Make it about hearing your partner's opinion. This is especially important if you are communicating about something difficult, emotional, or when you disagree.

Listening with acceptance and love is the best gift you can give your marriage.

[Pensacolapair]

Our formula for communicating is simple:

1. You have to be willing to put something out there. Suprisingly few people can read minds.

2. You have to listen and actually pay attention to what is being said as opposed to simply waiting for your turn to talk.

3. You have to understand that not everything is personal.. know the difference between 'discussion' and 'argument' and choose to discuss.

If the above can be accomplished, a climate that is condusive to communication will exist...from there it gets fairly easy. At least that's how it's worked for us.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by Pensacolapair

2. You have to listen and actually pay attention to what is being said as opposed to simply waiting for your turn to talk.

This is an excellent point. A big mistake many people make in "communicating" is formulating their own response while the other person is still talking. You can't really be listening to someone completely if you are busy trying to think of your response.

[JustMrJ]

As I've been told before, you can't be listening very well if your mouth is open and words are pouring out.

Communication as I've mentioned before, to me, means that you both talk and listen alternately and that you try and keep emotions down to a low roar. If you can't talk to each other and listen to each other in turn and keep your emotions reined in, you will have a VERY difficult time trying to understand and work things out. It's expressing how you feel without lashing out or playing the wounded animal.

I feel that both of you should be able to talk to each other about ANY subject. If there are things that make you uncomfortable to discuss with your partner, you are not alone. What makes you a good communicator is that you discuss those subjects with your partner calmly DESPITE it being an uncomfortable subject AND they listen calmly DESPITE the subject.

Hope that makes some sense...

[alphaplaycpl]

Make communication go beyond conversation. You need to respond to your partner with your actions. That is truly the only way your parner knows that you have not just heard, but listened to what he/she has had to say.

[Evil_Bastard]

Cummunication is that thing that one attempts just before his gets his ass kicked. Cummunication is what gives others the where-with-all to persecute you. It is that cruel joke that GAWD played on the human race. It is that burning desire to let someone know who you are only to be mocked, ridiculed, outed, and punished for having done so. More seriously! It is that one quantity (quality?) that only the deviant 1% of couples possess, and the other 99% have no idea exists. It is talking TO the other person not AT them, but... talking with the intention that they HEAR what you have to say. It is also listening to the other person not waiting them out, but... LISTENING with the intention of hearing what THEY have to say. Cummunication IS NOT evaluation or judgement, not blame or making the other person wrong. Communication is creation and/or re-creation. Communication is re-creating for the other person your thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc., AND! it is creating for yourself the thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc. that the other person is sharing with you.

But then what the fuck do I know?

[JustMrJ]

Evil_Bastard,

But then what the fuck do I know?

Quite a bit evidently...

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by Evil_Bastard

But then what the fuck do I know?

Have to agree with JustMrJ on this one and say that Evil_Bastard obviously knows quite a lot. The only thing I can add is that communication also consists of nonverbals. Listen to their body posture as well. Sometimes our body is saying one thing and what's coming out of our mouth is something different. Listening without judgment and condition is hard. It's one of those things that really has to be controlled to really have good communication. I think Evil_Bastard covered it all pretty well.

[JustAskJulie]

It seems like we derailed a bit into a discussion of what communication really is. But let's get back to the question...

How do you improve communication? What have you done personally to improve your communication?

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

What have you done personally to improve your communication?

The first thing that came to my mind when I read this was I let my guard down. I talked to Dave like we've never talked before. We both had to open up, be completely honest with each other, share our exact feelings and trust that the other person would be nonjudgmental and still have that unconditional love. It was one of the hardest things I've had to ever do. Open up about my fears, my desires, the big "why now?" question and where do we go from here?

In the 22 years we'd been married, we hadn't really communicated. We talked a lot, but no real communication took place. It's helped build our trust, our relationship has really blossomed and life is just generally better all around.

These last two years is sooooooooooo much better.

I've never read a book on the subject. Are there such books?

[JustMrJ]

Julie,

Sorry, I guess I didn't quite get the crux of the question.

What we've both done to improve communication is this:

1. Listen TO the person. Yes, I know this was mentioned before as to what communication is, but it's also something that some people have to learn to do better.

2. We agreed to be able to discuss anything and in fact most everything that comes to mind. This helps us to communicate better on topics that may be uncomfortable to most people.

3. We learned (either before or after we met) to discuss things while keeping our emotions in check. It's very difficult to have an intelligent discussion if one or both parties are upset or only thinking with their emotions. Emotions are important, don't get me wrong, but when discussing issues that have stirred up strong emotions, it's best to try and set them aside and get the information back and forth. Otherwise no true 'communication' will be achieved and discussions can quickly inflate to shouting matches... or worse.

That's about all I can think of... hopefully that's actually on topic this time.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by JustMrJ

3. We learned (either before or after we met) to discuss things while keeping our emotions in check. It's very difficult to have an intelligent discussion if one or both parties are upset or only thinking with their emotions. Emotions are important, don't get me wrong, but when discussing issues that have stirred up strong emotions, it's best to try and set them aside and get the information back and forth. Otherwise no true 'communication' will be achieved and discussions can quickly inflate to shouting matches... or worse.

That's about all I can think of... hopefully that's actually on topic this time.

That is really a very important factor, I'm glad you mentioned it as it reminded me of something that we do personally to facilitate that. Many times when there are things that one of us feels we need to convey to the other but we are having a hard time doing so without the emotions getting in the way we do it by writing it out (these days it's in email). This allows the person who needs to talk to do so without their own emotions taking over and it allows the other person to really listen (granted with their eyes) without any ability to interrupt or to respond with just emotions. Typically, the responses have been in person, but by the time we do sit down face to face we've both had a chance to really process the issue and thus take the emotional (instant) reaction out of the picture.

[MRnMSbhaven]

We live by the "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" motto.
We've noticed that too many people (I mean relationships in general) simply give up and stop trying after the first sign of something they don't want to hear.

Ms B

[K&JIntimates]

When K and I were dating a good friend of mine gave me "Men are from Mars...ect." That helped a lot in learning how to, not only, listen but to communicate with him. In the years since, we try to keep talking even if it takes days to hash out the problem or to make sure we understand where the other person is coming from. With practice we were able to push the initial emotions to one side and discuss openly whatever it is. Sometimes it isn't easy and I'll have to remind myself that K isn't going to judge me so I should be able to talk to him about whatever. In the beginning it was hard to put my own embarrassment or self-consciousness off to one side so that I could approach him about something and then seeing that all my "fear" was for naught reassured me that I have nothing to worry about when talking with him.

That is just one of the (many) wonderful things about K, you can talk to him and he'll listen despite any initial emotion that might pop up. I don't know how he does it but I'll always appreciate that he does.