Do you GIVE a second chance at first impressions?

[JustAskJulie]

I was just replying to LM's old thread about lowering your standards and it got me to thinking about the various times we've met people and talked with them only to decide they just weren't our cup of tea. There have been a couple of times where we either did (or would have) given them a second chance... mainly because we got that feeling of "we're being too picky", so we met with them again and again there were just things we couldn't get past. For example....
- one couple has an issue with discretion - they like to name names
- another couple, the first time we met them the guy talked so much about himself and the places they go, etc that we thought they were full of themselves.

In both of those cases, we tried again only to run right back into the same walls that knocked us out the first time. It has left me wondering if it's worthwhile to even give a second chance and thinking we should just trust our guts on first impressions.

That said, there was one couple we would have liked to have given a second chance (after he got way too drunk at our first meeting) but we approached it badly and lost that chance... and it may have been a good thing, but we'll never know.

So do you ever give second chances to people after you meet them the first time and your gut instinct says "it's not gonna be worth it".?

[lustylearning]

Yes. Different people respond differently in different situations. All of us learn and grow in the lifestyle. I look back on our early months and think, gee, if I'd known then what I know now... so we extend that grace to others. Most of our "uncomfortable" feelings haven't been born of intolerable behavior or extreme personality difference, but rather from lack of aggression or conversational miscues - and lots of that can be chalked up to circumstances, timing, how the day went, etc.

[two42lovers]

do you ever give second chances to people after you meet them the first time and your gut instinct says "it's not gonna be worth it"?

Yep.

As we've gained experience we've found the importance of a hot body has diminished. Nowadays, it's more about attitude and demeanor than a hot body... If you have both, wonderful - but a sexy, uninhibited mindset is more fun than someone who is inhibited, selfish about pleasure (i.e. they don't care about your pleasure) or unresponsive/not eager, no matter how hot they are physically.

[Pensacolapair]

We have on occasion...but looking back in general, it has rarely resulted in a change in the initial impression... maybe a 80:20 ratio at best.

G tends to be a very forgiving person, while M tends to go with his first mind. It's possibly the only real bone of contention we have between us Lifestyle-wise, although it's probably more one of those yin/yang things that make our relationship work. As a rule, we both catch the 'bad' impression at the same time because over the years we have quite naturally become attuned to how the other is going to perceive something.. the only thing we might differ on is how much of an impact we think it might have on the situation further down the road. For example: If we meet someone for an initial 'get-aquainted' thing, and one of them has had too much to drink prior to said meet - alarm bells go off for M. G's inclination is, "Hey, everyone has had a little too much at the wrong time, it's not the end-all". However, should other negatives show up, she will add it to the grand total that points to 'No Thanks'.


Of course, there have been one or two situations where a subsequent look at someone revealed a better view...and G doesn't hesitate to refer to them when she feels it's appropriate

[BiloxiCouple]

Only time will tell. It's hard to get over first impressions.

[theboy]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

It has left me wondering if it's worthwhile to even give a second chance and thinking we should just trust our guts on first impressions.

We've given one couple in specific second and third chances, but it's just not working. They were looking for things that we're not really, wanted to move slower than we're comfortable with (almost like trying to develop a girlfriend/boyfriend situation).

They're the most horrible chatters online that we've ever come across. They'll initiate a chat and ask a question, you'll spend time responding, and all they'll answer with is 'OK'.

So we met them anyway, being new to everything - and they seemed ok with our desires out of this little hobby, and were ok with the speed we wanted to move at. It was a decent lunch 'date' we had with them, trying to see if perhaps they're just horrible in chat but great in person.

Then we went back to the chatting and it was more of the "OK" stuff. Finally, we met them at a get-together that we both happened to be at. Their demeanor during the get-together was much like their chats, and despite our attempts to talk to them they basically ignored us. The real life version of "OK"...

So we gave up. We should've stuck with our first impression that they weren't that interested.

Oddly enough, they keep trying to contact us. I'm tempted to write "OK" in the reply and nothing else.

[bicuriocpl]

Originally Posted by theboy

Oddly enough, they keep trying to contact us. I'm tempted to write "OK" in the reply and nothing else.

Ok.

[bicuriocpl]

Sorry I couldn't resist. If they had simply done this online I would have suggested that they were simply unconfortable with IM, e-mail etc. but you did say they did it at a party too. I would say always follow your instincts but also be understanding of the situation also. Some will deserve a second chance others will deserve the "ewww" response.

[theboy]

Originally Posted by bicuriocpl

Ok.

I knew someone'd do it.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

So do you ever give second chances to people after you meet them the first time and your gut instinct says "it's not gonna be worth it".?

We have done this. Usually in the club atmosphere.

Generally, our first impression sticks, but there has been at least one exception:

There is a couple that, when we first met them, we didn't care for them. I can't place my finger on it, but it was just one of those things.

Later on (months later), we ran into them at the club again, and this time, we hit it off. I'm really not sure what the difference was. We just enjoyed their company, and have been friendly with them since (Not BFFs, just able to hang out at the club, etc).

[nhcpl1968]

really depends on the situation.we have give a second chance to some and it has worked out in 1 of 3 times

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

Later on (months later), we ran into them at the club again, and this time, we hit it off. I'm really not sure what the difference was. We just enjoyed their company, and have been friendly with them since (Not BFFs, just able to hang out at the club, etc).

I think sometimes TIME can make a big difference, especially if people are new to the lifestyle and still trying to figure it out.

The first couple that my ex and I ever met, it went BAD and we really had no desire to ever see them again. A couple of years later we ran into them in a different context and it was a whole different ballgame. It turned out that we were all just NEW and hadn't figured out yet that we were looking for very different things from swinging. In the end we became great friends with them and even played a few times.

[socolais]

I've been given second chances before and appreciated it, so I understand that sometimes some folks are just a little distracted for whatever reason and don't get to present themselves in the best light. There's a reason ya get 3 strikes in baseball....

[Playful1]

I'll usually give second chances to single women and couples, but not to single guys. I don't generally give more than a second chance, though that may be hypocritical of me since i was given a ton of chances (thanks to one person), but I just don't have the time, given how many people there are out there to meet, to give unlimited chances to people.

It also depends on why they need the second chance. If it was cause they were waaay to pushy, or arrogant, etc. they might not get that second chance. If something just seemed off, or we didn't click, or they were having a bad night and were drunk, they will almost always get a second chance from me.

[RDfnd]

First impressions are sometimes difficult to overcome. However, all being human, it seems the appropriate thing to do.