Swinging or open marriage instead of cheating?

[incommunicado]

O.K., I've been lurking around here for years, and, in that time, I have heard many reasons why people Swing. Much of it has been about absolute love and trust, but there were a few who said they just simply proved they couldn't be faithful to one another even though they loved each other and wanted to stay married.

So, not to be rude, but I'm not really interested in hearing from those of you who swing out of love etc., or who have strong opinions against infidelity (that will create pages of preaching to the choir). I really want to hear from those of you who swing or have open marriages because one or both of you just couldn't resist temptation, but were happy in every other way.

Tell me your stories.

[gnb4u]

We swing but we do NOT have an open marriage. When we swing it is a shared sexual experience between the two of us even though it may involve other people.

I do not think swinging and cheating have any true relationship at all. Cheaters cheat and faithfull are faithfull whether either of them consider themselves swingers or not.

If people are faithfull to their spouses they will be faithfull whether they are monogamous or whether they are swingers or in an open marriage. If people are cheaters they will cheat whether they consider themselves monogamous or whether they consider themselves swingers. Swinging does NOT repeat NOT, prevent cheating. In case anyone missed that I will repeat it, SWINGING DOES NOT (again) NOT, N-O-T prevent cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If people get into swinging because they are tempted to cheat and have an urge to cheat and think that swinging will prevent it, they will go down in flames.

At it's core cheating is about selfishness and getting your own jollys at the expense of other peoples pain. In it's true form, swinging is about couples experiencing and enjoying their sexualities together as a couple. Cheating and swinging are on two completely different planes of reality.

[VegasLee]

I am going to agree with gnb4u 100% on this one.

It only took me about a second to think of a few different couples that told us in the last few years they go into swinging for the very reasons that you brought up incommunicado. All of them also said their life was "perfect" in all other ways.

EVERYONE of those couples are now divorced.

Guess life was not as perfect with the cheating mindset as they thought it was.

[two42lovers]

Not sure how to say this and be understood - but here goes...

Premise: the difference between swinging and cheating is swingers have the consent of their partner, and cheaters don't. (i.e. one has to be in a committed relationship in order to cheat or swing - or "swap" if you prefer.)

People who have permission cannot cheat (assuming they are only doing what has been consented to.) It is impossible for someone who has permission to be a cheater - by definition.

The reason the permission was granted is irrelavant. Yes, such a marriage as Lee mentions may be doomed, but not because of cheating.

[incommunicado]

Thanks for the input folks, keep it coming.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by gnb4u

If people are faithfull to their spouses they will be faithfull whether they are monogamous or whether they are swingers or in an open marriage. If people are cheaters they will cheat whether they consider themselves monogamous or whether they consider themselves swingers.

Originally Posted by two42lovers

People who have permission cannot cheat (assuming they are only doing what has been consented to.) It is impossible for someone who has permission to be a cheater - by definition.

I have to disagree somewhat to both of the above statements (but overall I agree with both points - I might just be expressing the thought differently).

Cheating is a symptom of something much bigger than just not getting along sexually. This is why as Lee pointed out most of the couples who state this as their reason for swinging end up not working out in the end.

I don't believe people are inherently faithful or unfaithful. I don't believe that is a personality trait but something that comes from other issues within a relationship. I believe everyone has the ability to be faithful if they are in the RIGHT relationship. That said I do agree that whether someone is a swinger or not does not have anything to do with whether or not they will or may cheat. Which brings me to the second point. Swingers can still cheat. Each of us have our own limits to what we have given permission for. So you have to look at what they have permission to do. If they go beyond that then yes they are still a cheater.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I don't believe people are inherently faithful or unfaithful. I don't believe that is a personality trait but something that comes from other issues within a relationship. I believe everyone has the ability to be faithful if they are in the RIGHT relationship.

I do think many people are inherently faithfull or unfaithfull and many times cheating is a character flaw and just plain old bad behaviour. Witness the people who are in terrible, cold, loveless and abusive relationships but yet they still remain faithfull even though there is no reason to justify it. Also witness the people who have it all and yet still can't keep their pants on around other people.

Perhaps they consider their cheating to be from "issues in the relationship" but those issues are things like, 'my spouse was at home and this person was right here at this time and was willing'.

I believe there are a number of people swinging for a variety of reasons, some are healthy and some are not. If that reason is there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship or you are dissatisfied with your relationship with your spouse and you feel an overwhelming urge to screw other people because you are dissatisfied at home, then you are at risk of cheating whether you are in the lifestyle or not. I think these are the folks that Vegas Lee is talking about. Those people are probably headed for divorce court some day whether they cheat or not or whether they swing or not.

If they do swing it will just accelerate the process to filing for divorce.

[willyoats]

We have a good marriage that never had major problems in 45 years. We became swingers simply because I (male) wanted to screw other women. It was more curiosity than dissatisfaction with our sex life. At the time I suggested swinging, my wife was completely satisfied, so she was indifferent (not shocked or reluctant) to swinging . But as long as I was going to have other partners, so was she.

Bottom line: we were happy in every other way except my desire to screw other women. It worked out well by enhancing our sex life, enlarging our experiences, and creating a general sense of satisfaction.

[ViSexual]

Now Willyoats sure tells it like it is. I guess that's why I like older swingers so much. We're not so worried about being politically correct all the time!

I've always thought of an old song that sums up my interest;

Lightnin' Strikes by Lou Christie!