Please save my sanity :)

[socolais]

While "seek counseling" is never a wrong answer, sometimes I figure I can manage on my own. You say both of you can enjoy a threesome and that may be a good way to strengthen the trust and respect between you. Threesomes don't have to be second best to couple swapping and if you both can have fun with it and use the encounters as a growth opportunity - I say, give it some consideration. (call it fun therapy)

You two are totally different people than when you started swinging and what worked before may not work now. Start over. You know how to negotiate a comfortable test encounter and make decisions about the future, when you get there. You also know how to stop the play whenever there's a need.

And of course, any medical concerns are completely separate issues.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by IndyNurse

it bothers me to see him with other women and he said it's only the ones that I think are prettier than me. He's right. I like being with other men as a group... me, hubby and another man. There's no one man that turns me on - it's the situation. For him, there's particular women that turn him on. I guess that's what bothers me. I really want to get past this for many reasons. What's crazy is, if we have a MFF, that's cool... he's not giving her his undivided attention. But if we're going to hook up with another couple... that's where I have trouble.

- we love our lifestyle friends and really enjoy the atmosphere, activities and environment.

There are a couple issues here and a number of possible avenues to consider.

- First off about the mental health stuff. People experiencing a true maniac phase have poor impulse control and decision making ability but they still know right from wrong and they still make conscious choices. His cheating for 1.5 years was a moral and character issue. In other words it was bad behaviour and was not him being crazy. Swinging successfully requires strong impulse control and the ability to make sound conscious decisions in the face of raging hormones and a multitude of temptations. Bi-polar is not "cured" but it can be controlled. He needs to under the care of a mental health professional and may need to be on medications forever even if he feels fine. In fact people in a manic phase often "feel" GREAT and that is what causes their problems. So step #1 is he needs to be continuously monitored and under the control of a competent mental health professional.

- When someone cheats they tear up their trust card and the people that they have hurt have the right to not trust them. It is normal and natural and even wise to not trust him. The only predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You need to establish what it will take for you to trust him and that may often be on a moment by moment basis. If he is not agreeable to doing what it takes to stay in your current trust comfort zone then it doesn't happen...period. If he doesn't like that, too-bad-so-sad. He was the one that tore up his trust card.

Now all that being said I do think you have some room to work with here. Most marriages don't survive an affair and yours so far has. Most marriages don't involve swinging and yours has so all in all you seem to have a good foundation. You also seem sincere in wanting to be in the lifestyle so it is just a matter of working within your trust and comfort zones.

- If you are ok with MFF work with that and you dictate what is within your comfort zone. If that means that you pick out chicks for him so be it. Most guys on the planet will kill for an approved MFM opportunity so he is not in any position to be picky. If he is really sincere about wanting to stay in a relationship and make it work with you he will accomadate your wishes and your comfort zone. If he baulks at what you are comfortable with and doesn't care about your comfort then he is just bullshitting you and is not sincere.

- You also stated that you like the atmosphere and your established friends so work with that as well. You can still go out with your friends and still go to the clubs but you may have to do things a little differently than you did b4 the affair. Instead of playing with couples maybe you can explore activities with singles such as MFM and FMF. In threesome situations a couple has more attention on each other than in a full swap couples situation. Perhaps if you are with another woman in a FMF you will feel more "engaged" with him and won't be distracted as much by your insecurities (yes you have insecurities but in this case they are very valid and are not a bad thing) and you can enjoy the situation more.


Surviving an affair is hard work and is not easy and often times comfort in swinging is hard work and not easy so you do have some hard work ahead of you but you sound like you have a good foundation with which to attempt this on. I do wish you well.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by IndyNurse

That's why I don't understand why I can't get past this!!!! Grrrrr. It's not him, it's ME!

You can't get past this because it is more rewarding for you to hang on to it.

I've read your three posts over and over and this is my conclusion:

Your'e a drama queen and love wearing your crown.

Your husband's medical condition hasn't any place in your story other than to gain sympathy for you. Also you quote yourself as if this has been a story you've enjoyed telling many times before:

I've actually said, "If it took an affair and the pain it caused at that time for us to live the rest of our lives together in a better and happier and more loving way, then it was worth it." (Perhaps he needed to see that the grass wasn't greener.)

Am I nuts or what? I really do not want to hear "swinging isn't for you" because I want to work this out - we love our lifestyle friends and really enjoy the atmosphere, activities and environment. Maybe I just feel like he has had his fill of "extracurricular sex" and isn't entitled to any more....Obviously this is really bothering me and I have nowhere else to turn.

You ask us to "Save Your Sanity" but reading this last paragraph of your OP - with the smiley at the end - tells me you don't want to change, and you don't want anyone to tell you YOU are your problem.

I think you are getting great pleasure from holding on to your "problem" and controling your hubby with it. Passive aggressive behavior at its finest.

LM

[IndyNurse]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

You can't get past this because it is more rewarding for you to hang on to it.

I've read your three posts over and over and this is my conclusion:

Your'e a drama queen and love wearing your crown.

Your husband's medical condition hasn't any place in your story other than to gain sympathy for you. Also you quote yourself as if this has been a story you've enjoyed telling many times before:



You ask us to "Save Your Sanity" but reading this last paragraph of your OP - with the smiley at the end - tells me you don't want to change, and you don't want anyone to tell you YOU are your problem.

I think you are getting great pleasure from holding on to your "problem" and controling your hubby with it. Passive aggressive behavior at its finest.

LM

While I've really taken the other replies to my posts into consideration and really appreciated the comments, yours is one that I'm not so appreciative of - and I guess that is always going to happen. No, I'm not enjoying "the crown" as you put it. And no, I am in no way seeking sympathy. I didn't ask for, or expect for anyone to tell me that I AM the problem as I mentioned that it IS me and that I DO want to change - I don't want the past to affect our future. Nor do I want ANY of the affair to control either of us because we are now different people.

I think the best advice someone gave was cognitive therapy so that I can change the way I think and not focus on the negative. My husband asked for and has proven he deserves a second chance - and that is exactly what I am wanting to do.

If it appears that I am wearing a crown, I gladly would lay it at my husband's feet in order to be granted peace of mind.

[cupl4fun]

Just don't listen IndyNurse some people simply lack compassion. Hurting, struggling, and having obsessive thoughts doesn't make you a "Drama Queen"; just makes you human. Obviously this person has their own pain and are venting on you.

[IndyNurse]

Originally Posted by cupl4fun

Just don't listen IndyNurse some people simply lack compassion. Hurting, struggling, and having obsessive thoughts doesn't make you a "Drama Queen"; just makes you human. Obviously this person has their own pain and are venting on you.

Thanks for understanding how I felt about that particular post. I re-read my posts and I never did see where I came across as being dramatic at all. I've never been a "drama queen." The reason my husband's illness is relevant is because it makes a bipolar person more "susceptible" to such things.

Some people just take things wrong, I guess. I really don't know. Anyway, I appreciate your post.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by IndyNurse

Thanks for understanding how I felt about that particular post. I re-read my posts and I never did see where I came across as being dramatic at all. I've never been a "drama queen." The reason my husband's illness is relevant is because it makes a bipolar person more "susceptible" to such things.

Some people just take things wrong, I guess. I really don't know. Anyway, I appreciate your post.

It's the downside of the internet, sometimes our message gets garbled when it goes out, or on the recieving end. It's happened to me more times than I care to count, where I'm left scratching my head saying "that's not what I meant/said/etc!"

In dealing with online forums you have to have a pretty thick skin to start with and I think it says a lot for you the way that you responded to LMs post. I am the type of person where I'm quite likely to jump up and be the first to say "it was my fault" or "I need to work on that". The thing I often have the hardest time with is figuring out exactly what the issue is that's bothering me or that I need to work on/through. We can't always do it alone and that's where therapy may be a very good answer. We can't change what happens around us, we can only change our reactions and responses.