Playing separate but not playing alone?

[arvcpl]

I have a question for everyone and I am not sure how to word this so it makes sense. We have been in the LS for a while and have had some successes as well as failures. Neither of us has any interest in playing alone without the other one there. We do however want to play as a couple and we have always prefered couples but it is very hard for us to find a couple that we both like and agree on. My wife is straight and hot and can have any guy she wants but is very picky and not interested at all in the vast majority of men out there. I am an average guy who is fit and nice but not a superstud or anything like that.
When my wife finds a guy she likes he always has a super hot wife that has no interest in an average guy like me. We are open to the idea of singles but as we all know single gals are rare and have long waiting lists and decent single guy that she would have and that wouldn't cause problems are about as rare as single women. We are starting to think about the possibilities of playing separately but neither of us wants to go out and date anyone without the other there.
Have any of you had any luck with playing with a couple but only one of you plays at a time? In other words I would have a MFM with a couple while my wife just watches or just plays with me (she would be ok with that) and then she could play with whoever she would have and I would just watch or just play with her (I'm somewhat ok with that...depends though) If so how would you go about tactfully asking if only one of us could play with them while the other watches? I know noone would have any issues with having an FMF with her while I am in the corner and while that would not be my first choice I'd be willing to try it. Has anyone else ever been in this situation?

[sexcupid]

We know of a few couples that go to parties that go as a couple...but play separately, ie: if an opportunity presents itself for one or the other they go for it. Some we've seen quite literally walk in together and split up and meet bck up at the end of the night/party when they are ready to go home.

Of course, the couples we've seen do this have been at it a while and it usually happens within a circle of playmates/friends.

My sweetie and I have talked about doing something similar...and even though I'm certainly not the hottest girl in the room, I figure that I would have a much better chance of walking away from the party having more playtime than he would. I'm not saying I'm ugly or anything...but I'm not the skinniest girl.

Maybe I'm still a naive swinger...but I still think that an agreement like that could eventually lead to some resentment with the situation. If you are sitting on the sidelines because the wife of the other couple is basically not attracted to you, but that couple has no problem playing with your wife...well I would personally get a bit of a complex after a while.

During playtime there are any number of combinations that people can get into...if you find a couple that everyone wants to play and (I really hate the way this next bit is going to sound) everyone gets a turn and things can break down to FMF or MFM while someone takes a break or just wants to sit back and watch....well that is entirely different that someone having to sit out because the other half of the couple doesn't want to give you the time of day.

Good luck.

[N&G]

I don't see why you couldn't do that as long as the other couple agrees before meeting. Keep in mind that they may be suspicious of a trick. If you asked us, I (male half) would only do it if I played first. I would not watch you play and when it is my turn your wife gets up and leaves.

[arvcpl]

Originally Posted by N&G

I don't see why you couldn't do that as long as the other couple agrees before meeting. Keep in mind that they may be suspicious of a trick. If you asked us, I (male half) would only do it if I played first. I would not watch you play and when it is my turn your wife gets up and leaves.

I would feel the same way, that's why I am asking if anyone does this and how to discuss it tactfully. We don't do much online meeting at all and usually meet people at the clubs. My bottom line question is how would we bring something like this up? How would you say that the male half is available for MFM but the female half only wants to watch or to play with me?

[des1re06]

Don't put yourself down so much. I'm sure you have attributes that would please a hot woman. After all, you're married to one!

We enjoy house parties, because we can pick and choose who we want individually. We may or may not be in the same room, but we always get back together and talk and have great sex at the end of the night.

As for looking at singles, that's also an option. Just make sure you both get "turns" at being satisfied.

When meeting at clubs, I've found that the females usually talk and decide how the play is going to happen. If you and your wife decide that she's going to play with a couple, then it's up to your wife to let that couple know how you feel.

Good luck and have fun!

Mrs. D

[arvcpl]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

We know of a few couples that go to parties that go as a couple...but play separately, ie: if an opportunity presents itself for one or the other they go for it. Some we've seen quite literally walk in together and split up and meet bck up at the end of the night/party when they are ready to go home.


Good luck.

I am sure we would both be able to do this but this is not what we signed up for. We want to play together as a couple and we do prefer other couples. We just have a real hard time finding couples that agree on and that will have us all at the same time.

[N&G]

Originally Posted by arvcpl

My bottom line question is how would we bring something like this up? How would you say that the male half is available for MFM but the female half only wants to watch or to play with me?

I would bring it up very early in the conversation. You have to be straightforward with something like that and expect that most couples won't be interested. Maybe going to clubs where everybody plays individually will be the better choice for you.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by arvcpl

I am sure we would both be able to do this but this is not what we signed up for. We want to play together as a couple and we do prefer other couples. We just have a real hard time finding couples that agree on and that will have us all at the same time.

This has me curious. Well it actually had me curious in my previous post as well...but I couldn't find a spot to fit it in. lol

What precisely does your wife look for in a playmate? Does he have to look like he stepped straight off the pages of GQ? Those types of guys do tend to have hotter wives, who in turn probably expect to be able to play with men who look just like or similarly to their hubby. With that said, no not all of my playmates look similar to my sweetie. I tend to be attracted to very different types of men and sometimes it's a particular feature (voice, eye color, smile) that really catches my attention.

Now, before someone hops on me (and not in a good way ) about the LS being about variety...yes it is. But if my partner insisted on playmates that were always dissimilar to me, like other side of the spectrum kind of hot, then I would wonder what on earth they were doing with me.

To bring this back to your original topic...if you didn't get into the lifestyle to basically play as singles...I wouldn't compromise on that point. Obviously you have been able to find playmates, just probably not with the frequency you would like.

[arvcpl]

Originally Posted by des1re06

Don't put yourself down so much. I'm sure you have attributes that would please a hot woman. After all, you're married to one!

Mrs. D

(This is just a pure and simple rant and there is no legitimate question attached, I just need to blow and get this off my chest)

This is what is so frustrating for me. I'm not putting myself down. I do attract a lot of women that I am quite enomored with and find very desirable and would be perfectly happy with. A lot of women that I would be perfectly happy with are responsive to me. What keeps us from getting together is my wife won't have anything to do with their partners. When my wife finds a guy she is attracted to he is often in a male model league and his wife is super model material and has no interest in me. I have been killing myself in the gym and micromanaging every crumb of food that goes into my mouth and I spend more time grooming in the bathroom than any woman in trying to move up a league but I'm still falling down. I realize the main issue is a mismatch between my wife and I on who we find attractive as a couple and I am just looking for other options. I know that the problem is between us as a couple and something that we have to work out but there has to be another way out there somewhere. This has been an ongoing thing for us and I am just looking into other options. Sorry for the vent.

[VegasLee]

Laura and I have been playing separate but together forever. Once, maybe twice a year we end up both playing with the same couple but we never go out looking for that. As you have found it is very hard to find four people that all like eachother enough to want to play together. Think about how long it took you and your wife to find each other, now finding two more you can agree on?

Laura plays with who she wants, I play with who I want. Sometimes in front of each other, other times not but we are always in the same area. She does not "go out" without me and I don't "go out" with out here. We go to the club together, pretty much hang out together but if one or the other gets a chance to play with someone we go for it. We always leave together. That is our number one rule.

What we do works for us, not for everyone. There seems to be a lot less stress in what we do since we are spending nights, days, weeks or months trying to find that perfect couple for us to team up with. That is just way to much work and we would miss out on a lot of great sex with others if only waited for that perfect couple.

You have to do what you are 100% comfortable with. Just because it is not what you started out to do does not mean that you have not evolved into something else that may work for you. Be sure to keep talking to each other and don't play the keeping score game. Bottom line is she will ALWAYS get more offers then you do. I know this from experience but have found that when Laura is happy, I end up very happy at the end of the night so it is all good.

[arvcpl]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

This has me curious.

What precisely does your wife look for in a playmate? Does he have to look like he stepped straight off the pages of GQ? Those types of guys do tend to have hotter wives, who in turn probably expect to be able to play with men who look just like or similarly to their hubby.

Yes, he pretty much does. At this point I do need to say that you are all probably thinking that she is very vain and superficial and shallow but she is not. She is very nice and a warm and caring person and would never treat anyone badly. She is however very picky about who she has sex with and I do not want her to compromise on her standards and I don't want her to take one for the team. I am doing everything I can to move up a league but short of surgery there isn't much more that I can do at the moment.

[gnb4u]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Laura and I have been playing separate but together forever. Once, maybe twice a year we end up both playing with the same couple but we never go out looking for that. As you have found it is very hard to find four people that all like eachother enough to want to play together. Think about how long it took you and your wife to find each other, now finding two more you can agree on?

Laura plays with who she wants, I play with who I want. Sometimes in front of each other, other times not but we are always in the same area. She does not "go out" without me and I don't "go out" with out here. We go to the club together, pretty much hang out together but if one or the other gets a chance to play with someone we go for it. We always leave together. That is our number one rule.

What we do works for us, not for everyone. There seems to be a lot less stress in what we do since we are spending nights, days, weeks or months trying to find that perfect couple for us to team up with. That is just way to much work and we would miss out on a lot of great sex with others if only waited for that perfect couple.

You have to do what you are 100% comfortable with. Just because it is not what you started out to do does not mean that you have not evolved into something else that may work for you. Be sure to keep talking to each other and don't play the keeping score game. Bottom line is she will ALWAYS get more offers then you do. I know this from experience but have found that when Laura is happy, I end up very happy at the end of the night so it is all good.

I think this is very good advice and would second that.


I feel your pain arvcpl, we are a "she's hot, He's not" couple as well and it is tough. One thing we have done is we will periodically host our own parties and get a hotel suite with multiple rooms. We will invite only couples that we are comfortable with and that each of us is reasonably attracted to at least one half of them and the other half doesn't have any true "deal breaker" traits. We consider the confines of the suite a "Free-Fire Zone" and we each can play with whoever we want within the confines of the suite.

When you have a group of hand picked people together and noone is an actual asshole, people have a natural tendency to migrate to where they are comfortable and things seem to work out fine.

Noone has ever said swinging is easy and the more hoops and hudles and conditions and rules you apply to your play activities the less you will play. The challenge is to find what boundries you can LIVE WITH and work within those without compromising your true values and mores.

[JustAskJulie]

You might want to consider house parties. I've found that house parties you tend to find more couples who will play seperately... everyone is playing but both halves of a couple aren't necessarily playing with both halves of the same couple (if that makes sense).

[Playful1]

To be honest, it sounds like your wife as somewhat unrealistic expectations. It also sounds like she isn't taking your expectations/wants/etc into a lot of account.

Maybe sit down and talk to her and explain stuff and tell her that you want her to be happy, but that because she has such high expectations, you find yourself missing out a lot. Maybe find a compromise.

I've known singles and couples where they would only play with model types. In the couples, it always seemed to be one, not both of them, and seemed to always lead to issues because it so severely limited their playtime.

[WesternSwing]

I think you'd find a couple to play in the manner you're suggesting hard to find. They want to be in it for both of them also, and having someone just there watching, but with no intention of having them participate might just be a bit creepy for many.

We've played in threesomes with other couples, but not with just one of us watching, it's always been solo, either going out solo, or going in a separate room at a party solo.

I think you just need to give it some more time and you'll find that couple you both click with.

Mr. WS