Are you a Swinger?

[two42lovers]

By your definition of swinging...

Yes - and of course that's exactly what the OP asked us to share. We use the word swinging to mean committed partners playing with the consent of their partner. The word "lifestyle" includes anyone and everyone who is into alternative-to-the-norm-of-society sexuality.

People can get a little sensitive about the word "swinger". There seems to be a fair amount of emotional investment (for some) about being designated as a "swinger" - or not. Guess it's a little bit like asking an existentialist "what is truth?" Of course s/he will answer "truth is internal, YOUR truth is what is true to YOU." This may fly (for some) when talking about spiritual ideas, but why put the word "swinging" in the same category? The issue seems to be whether we approach the question deductively or inductively.

It's true, communication is itself existentialist. Words mean what the hearer thinks they mean, not what the speaker intends. Words can't be understood any other way. This is the challenge with interpersonal communication - doubly so when we have to rely only on written words absent non-verbal cues. (A lot of communication is achieved non-verbally.) Even so, it doesn't seem like the issue is people understanding the word differently. The issue is if the word has any concrete meaning at all, or if it always ever only expresses a subjective meaning.

We sure could just say, "who cares? Let's party!" (and by and large it's how we feel.) But there is a BIG difference between committed partners giving each other consent to play, and single people who have no partner and need no permission. The commitment is the key to what the sexual sharing is about. Under the right set of circumstances swinging is a relationship-enhancing adventure partners share with each other. The word used doesn't matter, but the experience is very different.

[Chris&Amelia]

Originally Posted by Chicup

If I were to go skydiving with my wife, I worry about her safety more than my own, and swinging is a lot like skydiving. Its a thrill, its a lot of fun, but its an unnecessary risk so I worry about her safety and happiness before I worry about my own.

I would just like to point out it's not the fall that kills you, but the sudden stop.

[ic7175]

We aren't swingers. More of a couple with a FWB couple to play with. We learn a lot from reading on here but we really don't think we are swingers. According to Good Times' post we would be newbies forever because we wouldn't ever get to the "what was their names?" point of partying. Sounds fun , just not for us.

We do soft swap (MF, FMF, MFM, FF) including oral, basically anything but intercourse is fair game, and it has all been so much fun.

Here's part of my first post http://swingersboard.com/forums/show...025#post306025 that describes how we feel...

I've been a long time lurker, even prior to registering, and have learned a lot about the lifestyle. In our case it helped us understand that we probably aren't swingers. We do things that swingers tend to frown upon, soft swing play with friends and being exclusive. But we honestly can't see either of us being comfortable swinging at a party with people we just met.

I understand the issues people have faced with the friends thing but we find that we are more comfortable with the idea that we have a couple that we are in a FWB situation. That seems to more closely match our desires than swinging.

A decade ago, my wife and I visited a swing club for the free tour, so it's not that we aren't willing to consider swinging. We were looking into a BiF at that time and never got close to having that happen. Over nearly a decade, we got closer and closer (in very small steps) to FWB by playing ever more risque games when we got together with a specific couple. One night a couple years ago, the other husband just came out and asked how far things could go and everyone be OK. We all talked, each couple talked, then we all talked again and we agreed to take a bigger step the next time we got together. Afterwards each couple talked to make sure all were OK and we've continued down that path since. After some initial shock that it actually happened everyone felt it turned out better than we even hoped.

[Chris&Amelia]

ic7175... based on the description you gave, in my eyes, you are indeed a swinger. Just because (1) you play with only one couple and (2) you keep it at soft swap, in my opinion, does not mean you're not a swinger.

And I don't want to put words into Good Times' mouth, but I think they were kidding...

...can't say that we've ever had sex with people who's names we don't know (now, I've forgotten some names...), but I definitely consider ourselves swingers.

[socolais]

Originally Posted by TNT

Exactly! There are dimensions upon dimensions when it comes to defining what is and what is not swinging and who is or is not a swinger. Everyone's definition will be different. No one being right or wrong.

What swinging is to Ted and I, as a couple and as individuals, will be totally different for someone else.


Teresa

I might expect something like that from a presidential candidate....

[Thrax]

Originally Posted by socolais

I might expect something like that from a presidential candidate....

I think Teresa's post -- whether you agree with it or not -- at least appears to be thoughtful, honest, and sincere. So at least to me, she doesn't sound anything like a presidential candidate.

Thrax

[TNT]

Originally Posted by socolais

I might expect something like that from a presidential candidate....

That's funny! I assure you, that's the one thing I'll never be

As happens at times, my point did not come across well...oh well...it's not the first time and it won't be the last. The written word can be very lacking at times.


Teresa

[safireblues]

No, I'm not a swinger anymore. Not at this moment. I think I approached it from the wrong way, wanting attention to fill up a void in myself that I should be filling up on my own. With dildos. Heh. Kidding about that last bit.

I am certain I will have a few more experiences with my husband, but I think the "polyamorous" side of my desires has come to a close.

[tittietwister]

No, we don't define ourselves as swingers. Our objective is light-social poly relationships - meaning an emotional connection. That separates us from swingers which we define as people focused only on recreational sex.

[VegasLee]

In the new round of definitions for "Swingers" it appears that many are saying this only couples can be Swingers now.

Singles are only in it to get laid, have a good time and make some friends by one definition I saw. Is that not the same thing that couples are in this Lifestyle for?

By the general attitude it can be assumed that most feel a single man is not a swinger but how about Single women since they are well accepted and sought after in this lifestyle?


If it was brought up at an office that a single women went to a Swingers Party would the reaction be the same as a single man going to one? "Damn no wonder he is single." In the "normal" world I don't think so. I believe it would be "she is a single slut that will do anyone." Double Standard but the other way with the women? Guys are Studs in the single normal world, women are sluts in the single normal world."

Before the "Lifestyle" came to be Swinging the "accepted definition" was "Recreational Sex between consenting adults". That was many years ago when Sex outside of marriage was not accepted as it is today. Even in today's world MOST people would not be or want to be a Swinger, single or married. We meet many guys that would never think of going to a Swingers party. Many seem to feel "All single men will hit any pussy." But I don't see that is true. Many, Many single men will not come to swing parties or party with swingers.

Something else that got my attention. Laura and I agreed between each other to be in this Lifestyle. We agreed to always be honest and truthful with each other. We agreed that we do this for recreational sex, not to replace or repair any other needs within our relationship. When Laura wants to play with someone, be it a couple, women or man she does not need or ask for my permission. The people she is playing with also do not need my permission to play with her. No single or couple have ever been required to "interview" with me or get my permission to play with Laura, that is always up to her and her alone who she plays with.

Maybe being a swinger is just thinking different about "recreational sex" differently then the "normal people" in this world. Nothing really to do with being single or a couple.

[Bama0468]

I consider us swingers, we full swap, we soft swap, we watch on occasion, and have been watched.
As for what or whom a swinger may or may not be, I think you must consider HOW and WHY the person got started. yes there are singles that are in it just to notch the bed post and those are most certainly ones I hate seeing mail from, they are pushy and rude, to me THEY are NOT swingers.
Now the other side are those who enjoy the sex, are in it not only for the sex but for the comrodery, the socializing with like minds. They are polite, considerate and repectful.

Thats my opinion, is it all encompassing, hardly, Is it accurate, possibly. Lets not forget, it is an opinion and I am human.

[widowerman]

You know it’s funny…but I’m a swinger but single white male who can partner with my female when need be, which by the way I find that term of female degrading both to her and me, anyway I can go to a certain meeting and I can go alone when ever I want. The hostess and host make sure there is always a female there for me. I don’t know, maybe I’m just that kind of guy. I’m good at what I do; I’ve had many compliments from the lovely ladies all the time. I think of all the women as lovely, why not? They are. The men I see there make very little sense to me. They try too hard on something that is very natural. Why is that? Sex is fun, but there is always more because all people are interesting. I like to meet the people, women and men. I am strictly straight but I find the people interesting. But as my partner said, “Don’t try to understand the swinger people. It will give you a headache”.

By the way I am also a beach going nudist in New Jersey. Apparently, not only are there nudist there, they are also a bunch of swingers too! The pickings are also very good.

I just started swinging last summer and I am pushing my early 50’s. At times I think them 50’s are pushing back. But I’ve stayed in shape and was married for 26 years, 3 months and 10 days, hence my handle.
One question; Why is my partner who has been a swinger for 30+ years so jealous of me? If I were to find an extra partner she would freak out. Why is that? How do you handle that?

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Before the "Lifestyle" came to be Swinging the "accepted definition" was "Recreational Sex between consenting adults".

Has this changed? Oh, SNAP!!!

[CXXC]

It seems that people, by and large, need to define themselves and their activities. Everyone likes to label. If this were not true, outside of the need for communication, the dictionary would be useless.
There is an issue with the lifestyle. That issue is the lack of a specific and exact naming convention. (Sorry! I am a computer geek) I am only newly entering the lifestyle myself, however, in my search for definition of what my wife and I are, we have come across so many stumbling blocks in this quest.
"We are what we are" is a fine sentiment. However, it leaves too much to the imagination. Think of those who do go to the clubs and consider themselves swingers simply for having gone. To them, they are swinging vicariously.
Again, a consortium of like minded individuals throughout the lifestyle community would do well to set up a specific set of standards and ideals which would dictate who and what a swinger is.
This standard would prove problematic however. As virtually everyone views their activities and involvement differently. This standard would need to be less generalized and more linear in its labeling. This would cause the number (Statistically speaking) of defined swingers to drop in count as well as more people would be defined as anything but “Swingers”.
Again, these are just the thoughts of a newbie. However, like most people in the world, I name things and define my actions with a label in order to be better understood by those around me.
Now there are my two cents.

[Bama0468]

Swinging is the lifestyle (if you want to put it that way) and all else would seem to fall with in it

What are you into?... We are full swap swingers. or we are soft swingers, voyeurs, etc.
I think thats why we are what we are, you may start out one and descide to "evolve" to another, for instance I started out watching, watching my wife enjoy and I remember feeling like Man that looks like fun, but I was nervous about it all, I then tinkered with soft swing, being still nervous or scared I withdrew again, untill I was comfortable with full swap and then I was still nervous, but not as much.

what brings us all together is an openess about sex in general, the recreation, the pleasure of it, and the fact that we can and do evolve as time and experience opens those doors and we grow in comfort with ourselves and admit to what desires/fantasies we may actually have and share those with our partners, which in turn allows us to expand within ourselves and with out mates.