Are you a Swinger?

[socolais]

This discussion is great!! One thing I haven't seen specified is about beginners finding their way into the activities and still discovering their comfort zone. I think they get an automattic alibis - for at least a while and I'm not sure the calendar has much relavence here.

I'm not sure when someone no longer qualifies as a beginner, but I'm generally willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

[good times]

Originally Posted by socolais

I'm not sure when someone no longer qualifies as a beginner, but I'm generally willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

You are no longer a newbie after the first time you get home and neither one of you can remember the names of the people you had sex with that night.

As far as defining swingers go, I still prefer the general, "those who have sex solely for recreational purposes." In other words, I wouldn't exclude singles but would exclude voyeurs and exhibitionists.

I also agree with what VegasLee said above, it gets very discouraging sometimes for us, trying to weed through all of the voyeurs, exhibitionists, and folks coming to the club for the "sexually charged atmosphere", to find the few actual swingers.

[screaminggood]

Ms. Goodtimes,

Can I get my newbie status back if I learned the guy's name at my second visit after I had him? After all, his mouth was busy when I "met" him!

[Chris&Amelia]

I think it's like your virginity. Once you loose it, you can never go back...

[screaminggood]

I was just joking about the newbie thing...well, except I really didn't learn the guy's name until two visits later when someone called him by name, but I definitely knew him!
But there always seems to be something to be a "newbie" about---that's the fun!

[Chicup]

I'd like to expand a bit why I personally would only put committed couples as swingers.

If swingers just meant you were free and open to casual no strings sex than I've been a swinger since I figured out how my penis worked. I can't say a couples situation came up but if it would have as a single I would have and I did know people where it did happen.

Hell I'd guess college was all about swinging. I even met a fellow swinger there, I married her.

So to me using the term on a single doesn't convey anything beyond 'likes casual sex'.

Now perhaps just likes casual sex is enough to be called a swinger.

I'm fine with that, but then I'd like another term for couples who do this as the dynamic is completely different than singles. When my wife and I go to a club I share very little in common with a single male in terms of risk and trust, we are not the same.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by Chicup

So to me using the term on a single doesn't convey anything beyond 'likes casual sex'.

I see your point with casual sex not being considered swinging but...'likes casual group sex' is different. Married people do not hold a monopoly on liking casual group (three or more people) sex.

When my wife and I go to a club I share very little in common with a single male in terms of risk and trust, we are not the same.

Again true, you have risk and trust issues within your relationship but...singles (male and female) share the same common risks and trust issues as anyone who is married/attached when it comes to casual group sex.

There is the risk of being outed. The risk of STDs. The risk of someone freaking out on you. Safety risks. A single has to trust the people they play with just like married/attached couples do that these risks won't become an issue.

Married/attached, single, triads, quads...all share the same common risks of swinging (casual, NSA, recreational group sex) IMO.



Teresa

[tscpl]

We are just a fun loving couple and easy to get on with.Lets keep it simple!We are not into excessive over defining of ourselves on a public medium.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Something I am noticing in the responses so far is just about everyone has posted they are a "swinger" meaning they swap.

Daily we see many people post in these forums that they go to watch or be seen but don't swapped or have not swapped yet. Kind of wondering why those people are not posting here?

I know for a fact since I see over 800 people a week at the club that MOST are not swingers. Most are either soft swinging, watching or there to be watched.

This is a huge trend in our community. We have three different organizations that host club parties. When we first got into swinging it was with a couple that runs one of these groups and they used to do nothing but throw sexy house parties that were a mix of swingers and open-minded non-swingers. Then their parties went more fully swinger and the attendance dropped. When they started renting clubs for a night and hosting parties there, they invited both swingers and open-minded non-swingers because just swingers alone would not financially support the event.

So what we've seen is out of necessity the party and event organizers are inviting a more mixed crowd because you just can't do one of these events and make money off them with just swingers. The difference in turn-out is 150 to 200 swingers or 400 - 500 swingers and non-swingers combined. And that's what these parties are, money making ventures for the organizers and the club owner.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I was thinking while reading the original post in this thread that we need armbands at the clubs to identify each group so that we know in advance what we are dealing with and like you said, don't waste our time.

Continuing my post from above, one of the organizers used to lease a warehouse and had it made into a club where they threw their parties. They had a VIP room where real swingers could go to play and the non-swingers were not allowed in, even to just watch. It worked okay, but still, not many swingers took advantage of it because of the huge amount "I wanna just see what's going on in there" people. Now they host their parties at regular clubs that they rent out for a night so it is closed to public access, but being a normally public club no nudity or sex is allowed or they'd lose their business license.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by socolais

This discussion is great!! One thing I haven't seen specified is about beginners finding their way into the activities and still discovering their comfort zone. I think they get an automattic alibis - for at least a while and I'm not sure the calendar has much relavence here.

I'm not sure when someone no longer qualifies as a beginner, but I'm generally willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I agree, they do. But if after so many times seeing them if they haven't progressed at all, than they start to get passed-over and ignored other than in a friendly chit-chat kind of way.

[two42lovers]

Married/attached, single, triads, quads...all share the same common risks of swinging

There are many risks they share in common, as you say, but the in a most important way single players are very different from marrieds. The risk of sharing your spouse sexually has no parallel for singles. Singles don't have to trust someone with their spouse, they don't have to trust their spouse, and they don't have the relationship risks and challenges. This adds up to a huge difference, IMO.

When people in a committed relationship agree to share each other sexually, the sharing is between them, even though the sex is with others. It's a gift they give to each other: the gift of sex with others. There is nothing of the kind for singles. Doesn't make one better, or more "real", but it does make the whole thing very, very different in nature. We are all part of the lifestyle, but strictly speaking, only committed partners can "swing".

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by TNT

I see your point with casual sex not being considered swinging but...'likes casual group sex' is different. Married people do not hold a monopoly on liking casual group (three or more people) sex.

No they don't but thats not the question. The question is should there be a differentiation between a single and a couple that do and I say yes. Also you have added a dimension to the definition. Now its about group sex? So separate room swapping is not swinging? So the implication I get is that swinging is liking group sex, period, and I don't agree with that.

Again true, you have risk and trust issues within your relationship but...singles (male and female) share the same common risks and trust issues as anyone who is married/attached when it comes to casual group sex.

Hardly the same. As a single I only have to worry about myself, not what is the love of my life. Its one thing to put yourself at some sort of risk, its another to put someone else you really love at risk. If I were to go skydiving with my wife, I worry about her safety more than my own, and swinging is a lot like skydiving. Its a thrill, its a lot of fun, but its an unnecessary risk so I worry about her safety and happiness before I worry about my own.

There is the risk of being outed.

Worker 1: Did you hear John was at a 'swingers' party?
Worker 2: Damn no wonder he is single.

Worker 1: Did you hear Jan was at that swingers club?
Worker 2: Jan? Shes married with three kids, does her husband know?
Worker 1: From what I hear he was there with her, I wonder if he watched her get fucked.
Worker 2: God what perverts, how can they do that when they have kids! I need to tell Jim about this.

A true side note, where my wife used to work, a single guy there used to wear his Hedo II shirts to work all the time (polo). My wife knew what it was, and I'd guess others would know too, but being single no one thought twice of it. I can only imagine the reaction my wife would have gotten wearing the same type of shirt.

The risk of STDs.

Same as casual sex.

The risk of someone freaking out on you. Safety risks. A single has to trust the people they play with just like married/attached couples do that these risks won't become an issue.

Same risks anyone takes meeting new people at a bar, doesn't make them swingers to me. Makes them single people (guys) who are finding a new sexual outlet.

Married/attached, single, triads, quads...all share the same common risks of swinging (casual, NSA, recreational group sex) IMO.

They share some of the risks, and even less of the motivations beyond getting laid. Swinging really transformed our relationship into something special and stronger than a vast majority of marriages out there. A single has a good time and makes some friends.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

only committed partners can "swing".

By your definition of swinging...which, I believe is what this thread boils down to...everyone's own definition of swinging and if they are a swinger.

Originally Posted by Chicup

Also you have added a dimension to the definition.

Exactly! There are dimensions upon dimensions when it comes to defining what is and what is not swinging and who is or is not a swinger. Everyone's definition will be different. No one being right or wrong.

What swinging is to Ted and I, as a couple and as individuals, will be totally different for someone else.

As it is with life in general, few things are ever black or white...just different shades of gray...swinging is no different. All a person can do is define what it means to them or what they want it to mean, seek out those who think/feel the same way and let the fun begin.


Teresa

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

We are all part of the lifestyle, but strictly speaking, only committed partners can "swing".

I agree with this statement. When the accepted definition of swinging is "when a married or otherwise committed couple engages in recreational sex with other couples or singles" this means swinging is a "couples" activity that may include singles. To me, singles are simply having casual, recreational sex, they are not "swinging" by any true definition of the word used in a sexual context. Now they may be swingers based on playing the field and not wanting to settle down and having many sexual partners. But they are not swinging in the context of what a couple does and has to go through to do this.