Abusive husband/wife

[prettylady]

I was just in a thread about a guy who is confused about his feelings. The thing that caught me off guard was that he commented about the other husband being abusive the other wife if she didn't agree to swing.

What would you do if a wife told you she was forced to swing? I feel confident that most would not play with that couple, but I guess not so much what would you do, but how would you handle it?

Being a strong independant woman I couldn't imagine allowing a man to force me into a situation by abusing me. But then again, I took alot of verbal and emotional abuse from my ex, so maybe I would.

Would you feel somewhat responcible to somehow help this woman, or if the shoe is on the other foot, the man?

Sub/Dom and cockholding relationships aside, assuming they are mutually agreed upon, is there anything you could or would do?

Your friend,
Prettylady

[ncmd_couple]

Pretty Lady,

I honestly don't know what I would do. Chances are I would find out during pillow talk after the fact, not before. If in advance I would find an excuse to get "L" alone and tell her then make sure that it doesn't go any further. If after the fact, there wouldn't be a second time.

I also would not shun her, she is a captive in her relationship. Him, I would give him the cold shoulder. I would probably also tell the folks that own our favorite club what is going on.

S

[SW_PA_Couple]

The short answer first, we feel no need to lend help. We assume that the woman got into her mess all on her own and can find her way out all on her own.

JoAnn and I have seen abusive bevaviour a few times while developing a relationship with a new couple. It seems to follow a consistent pattern, but not what the OP in the other tread saw. The couple seem to relate to each other perfectly normally throughout the period of becoming acquainted with us. The abuse becomes evident when it comes time for the cloths to come off and the play to begin. The guy hops on JoAnn or leads her upstairs into the bedroom. I turn around to see a woman who just moments before had a smile on her face but now has a pleading look, "Please don't make me do this." It's then that I know that she has only been going along with it to please him. Each time this has happened, JoAnn and I have used words with the couple which are designed to diplomatically convey to the woman that the inability to connect is not her fault and that the man should be more considerate of his wife's feelings. This has happened often enough for us to think we have signs "Amateur Therapist, Bring Your Problem to Me" pinned to our backs.

Michael

[lustylearning]

If we were in that situation, we'd give her contact information for the local domestic violence shelter and get out of dodge. As a safety measure for her we would probably not tell the guy, "Hey, we're getting the hell out of here because you're an asshole." One of us might suddenly feign illness or something. Beyond that, I don't think there's much else we could do. We wouldn't get more involved because we wouldn't want to bring the stress of their situation into our own.

This scenario sounds so awful. It's hard to imagine. I would never want to see it up close and personal. I suppose I entered the lifestyle thinking that everyone I encountered would be mentally and emotionally healthy - not problem free, but healthy. This thread was a sad but important reality check. Thank you.

[sweet_tna]

I don't know what I/we'd do, other than decline to play with them. If I were to directly witness any domestic violence or signs of it, I'd be obligated to contact the authorities. But otherwise, I just don't know . . .

=(

[sexcupid]

PL,

The thing is, it's really easy to say 'why don't/didn't you just...' from the outside looking in (and based on the info in your OP here, you've been there, I'm not trying to be condecending).

The poster on that thread doesn't seem particuarly forthcoming with answers to the questions he's being asked (such as when did he find out, why is he not more concerned with his wife's safety, etc)...so I'm not sure how they are rationalizing wanting to play with him again.

Agreed with ncmd that you may not know beforehand, but find out after the fact. Some of what they described seems more along the lines of one partner moving faster than the other and having a general disability to see beyond the end of their dick (ie: that their spouse is uncomfortable or just not caring that they aren't ready to play).

If we knew beforehand, we would not play. Drama and upset just waiting to happen there. Just keep things as friendly as possible, just not friendly enough to play. lol

[WesternSwing]

Having first hand experience with a couple where the husband was emotionally and physically abusive I can say that for sure we'd steer clear of them in any form of a relationship. I can also say that the only thing you can do to help is to let her know that you know what is going on and if she ever wants to discuss it you have some phone numbers for people who can help her. And then leave it in her court.

We had a neighbor that for several years lived right behind us and she was abused, but it took awhile for it to become apparent - they could only hide it so long before his true nature came-out again. It was terrible. He worked nights and she worked days. When he wasn't sleeping he was popping-in on her at work to check-up on her. When he was at work she couldn't leave the house except to go to the grocery store with the kids. He didn't allow her a cell phone so she couldn't leave the house and lie about where she was. He'd check-up on her on all his breaks. If she was over at our house she'd have her cordless phone with her and she'd have to go into the bathroom so he couldn't hear background noise and know she had left the confines of her prison cell. Errr... I mean house. We offered her help, we got her in touch with the local women's shelter for abused women that had 24 hour guards and was as secure as a minimum security prison to keep abusive husbands out. She never went. We'd call the police when we could hear him on a rampage. When they got there she'd say nothing happened, the TV was just loud. Their relationship finally imploded and they are now divorced.

What I'm saying is there is nothing that can be done unless they want it to be done. All you can do is offer them a place to go to for help (not your place) and hope they see the light.

[ncmd_couple]

Western Swing,

I agree with your post 100%. The only problem is that my middle daughter is in such a relationship. So, I try to keep it all in a pooka and not think about it. But it is what it is. And the original thread and this one has lifted the lid on the pooka. Hopefully this post will put the lid back on and I can go to bed, snuggle up to my lovely lady, and go to sleep.

My daughter is in Florida, she is in the Air Force. I originally just thought that he was high strung, but within a year I realized that he wasn’t high strung, he was an abusive bastard. She was pregnant when they got married. When she was in boot camp she was injured and boot wound up being six months long. She left in August and came home on medical leave in December. They packed up their stuff and he and the baby moved into my ex-wife’s house. One morning at 1:00am he called the police and said he had to leave and said that my ex would interfere with him leaving, long story of that night, but he took my grand daughter and disappeared to Tennessee. Fortunately, I didn’t find out about it until after I couldn’t get my hands on him.

Finally, she graduates from Boot and goes to tech school. Another long story, but she goes to Tennessee and meets him and her daughter and they head to Florida. Lots of abuse along the way including him kicking her out of the car and threatening to leaving her on the side of the road and taking the baby. When I finally get to talk to her, I tell her to move into base housing. When he flipped out again, the MPs would take his ID and kick him off the base and she and the baby would be protected. He brow beats her into moving into an apartment off base.

I have to watch all of this happening to my child from long distance and sit on my hands because if I go down there, I’m going to jail. I pray every day that this works out ok. But I know one thing. He won’t physically hurt her and take the baby in such a way that I will find out about it. I told him on the phone. “If you hurt her or the baby, there is no place on the face of the earth where you can hide. I will hunt you down and find you.” I did not tell him what I would do when I found him.

The next time I talked to him he made it a point of telling me that he had bought a gun. “Big fucking deal!” I thought and said, “that is nice, so?” That was his threat to me to not interfere. I was not impressed. I’m a combat veteran and I have seen this kid shoot. He couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a blunderbuss. Hell, he couldn’t hit a beer can with a Ruger Model 77 in .223 with a scope at 50 yards. The only thing that I pray is that it keeps my daughter and grand daughter safe, because he is a violent bastard, is that he knows I will hunt him down to the ends of the earth. He would never hear the shot.

Now the abusive bastard keeps her cowed with the threat of taking her child from her. Do as he demands, or he takes the baby and leaves forever. I hope this nightmare ends soon.

You know abuse from a neighbor’s viewpoint. Now you know it from a father’s.

S

[des1re06]

If we knew beforehand, we definately wouldn't play with them. Sadly, we've met several couples who fall into this category. We usually find out after the fact, because people tend to be on their best behavior when they first meet you.

I would let the lady know that counseling helped me get out of a bad relationship and I'm a better person for it. Therapy is available, in this country, for everyone no matter what your financial circumstances are.

Then we'd move on to happier couples.

Mrs. D

[Additude]

I read that thread also and although he said she said, we have no idea what kind of "Abuse" there is or for that matter if there really is any abuse.

My point is some people think that if you don't talk to them frequently or ignore them then that's abusive. Apparently on the other side of the scale, there are physically battered people that do not consider that abusive.

So to answer your question, first I'd define the term in that other persons words and feelings before making any judgment on what the "abuse" was.

If it was physical abuse I'd be willing to tell the cops, but I'm not sure that's the best approach as it could lead to more severe physical abuse.

If it was on the other end of the scale I'd encourage the partner to be independant and not to do it if they don't want to.

No one should be forced to do anything against their will.

But I feel ultimately, it's that other persons decision to make one way or the other.

[ownerspet]

I don't know what I could do other than refuse to play with them, because I feel like I would be contributing to their bad habit... probably not a good way to phrase it "bad habit." However, I've always felt like if it is a behavior that I don't approve of, then I definitly should not encourage the behavior. It's sort of like not buying cigarettes for a smoker.

The real question in my head at that point would be: If I don't approve of the behavior, why would I give them the opportunity/motivation to engage in the behavior?

Not that there are not other opportunities for them, and I'm probably being overly optimistic. But, I tend to hope that due to this, they get turned down enough to the point where the abuser gives up, and the abused decides to take a stand and remove her/himself from the situation.

[bicuriocpl]

I agree with Lustylearning, give her the abilityto rescue herself and make an excuse and get out of there. My ex wife was the abusive half ( she once swung a metal mop handle at my head) and had I know there were places for me to go I might have gone there. On the other hand, one does become brainwashed into believing that if I could just do what she wanted it would be all right. Its a tough call either way you go, you definately don't want to endanger her, but you also don't want to assist the abuse.

[Additude]

I would also like to add that refusing to play with them could lead to further abusive behavoir on his part, because now the abuser is going to wonder, "What did the abused do or say" to cause this couple not to want to play with them/him...which could lead to more abusive behavoir on his part.

So if that's your purpose, then be careful how you format it.

[Deptydog]

It's hard to say what I would do. I have no tolerance of abusive behavior. And I would have to wonder if my wife was safe with him, so we probably wouldn't play. If he were to become abusive in front of me, it would take bloodhounds to find the pieces of the body, ya know what I mean?

I guess I would be as supportive to the woman as I could, and offer her an avenue to get professional and legal help. But if she refused, then there's not a lot you can do. After all, she's an adult and can make her own decisions.

So, I guess I've pretty much repeated what everyone else has said here, huh?

[Tia Vampire]

I know we would not swing with them. If she is being forced to do something she is not comfortable with, then she is not going to enjoy it. We like being with couples that everyone agrees to a passionate night of sex. We usually talk to the couple to find out what they are into and bounderies. There must be some kind of agreement before ever getting started.