Communication BETWEEN Couples

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by JandCMI

Which brings me to the next reason I hate the lifestyle. Nobody knows how to communicate. When we first got into the lifestyle, this board and the people who posted on it were a tremendous help. We lurked for a long time reading the posts and one theme resonated - communication. Of course, it seems that the only people that communication is recommended for are newbies. It's almost like once you communicate with each other about getting in the lifestyle, communication with others is unnecessary. Nobody talks to each other. If they don't want to get together with you, they just ignore you. If they were offended by something you said/did, they ignore you. Yes means no, no means yes, maybe means fuck you. You are just left to "get the hint", which is lame.

This part of JandCMI's post in Why I Hate the Lifestyle has really been sticking with me. I think there is some serious truth to this statement. We do talk A LOT about how important communication is within a couple but it does seem like we downplay the importance of it between couples.

There is some definate truth to the idea that sometimes it's better not to know the reasons a couple isn't interested, and to that end I do think a polite "thanks but we aren't interested" is enough. But when you've played with someone already and things maybe weren't exactly what you expected... perhaps you had all talked and said you'd like to find a situation where repeat play was a good thing.... then after playing once you decided "nah, maybe not" isn't it at least the decent thing to do to let them know you are no longer interested? Even if you don't tell them the exact reasons.

Others have pointed out, and I tend to agree, in reality I don't think any of us want to know the real reason someone is no longer interested, especially if it's our own fault, or something we did. I know I don't... cuz in the end I'm not likely to change for them or for anyone else. The person who counts is my husband and he's happy with the way I am. But a simple, "thanks but we don't feel we are a good match" is good enough.

All that, to say.... what do you expect in regards to communication from other couples?

[good times]

It is funny how ones views change over time. When we first started swinging I would have said that I would prefer someone tell me if they were no longer interested. In fact, I even held the view at one time that I would like to know why someone no longer wanted to play with us so that I might be able to avoid that problem in the future.

Now days though, we would just as soon not have anyone tell us anything. One reason for that is as you mentioned above, we aren't likely to change our ways. If my brand of sex isn't your cup of tea, we just aren't compatible. The second reason I say this is, by saying I would like someone to tell me when they are no longer interested, I would feel obligated to do the same. The problem with that is that our experience has been that the very next question after we tell someone we are no longer interested is, "Why?" and frankly, I don't want to get into the "why" of it with someone, because that just leads to hurt feelings. Finally, having done this for a while now, we have gotten pretty good at recognizing the subtle signs of whether someone is interested in playing with us again or not, so it isn't really necessary for them to come right out and tell us so, and by not openly talking about it, no one is put in an uncomfortable position.

[JandCMI]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

There is some definate truth to the idea that sometimes it's better not to know the reasons a couple isn't interested, and to that end I do think a polite "thanks but we aren't interested" is enough. But when you've played with someone already and things maybe weren't exactly what you expected... perhaps you had all talked and said you'd like to find a situation where repeat play was a good thing.... then after playing once you decided "nah, maybe not" isn't it at least the decent thing to do to let them know you are no longer interested? Even if you don't tell them the exact reasons.

This I agree with 100%. Having been the recipient of the "thanks, but we aren't interested" email on a few occasions, I can say that we at least respect those people for being honest and have no hard feelings about it.

And I also agree 100% that the decent thing to do in a situation where play has occurred and interest has been expressed in doing it again is to at least say something along the lines of "sorry, it didn't work out as expected for us". I suppose it is easy for some to just get the hint and move on, but for others (like me ), their personality may not allow for such a clean break and give rise to animosity.

I think communication is so vitally important to all aspects of life, and not just the lifestyle. At work, at home, with family, etc. there needs to be communication so as to avoid conflict, hard feelings, etc.

And I also agree with not wanting to know exact reasons for not wanting to meet/meet again. I don't need to know all that for reasons already given in this thread.

[VegasLee]

As you pointed out Julie, most people don't want the truth.

I think this is just like those that don't answer emails, they don't feel they have to or are just being rude.

Todays fast paces and modern world seems to breed rudeness. Back before answering machines and caller I.D. you answered your phone and if someone asked a question you answered it or at least made up an acceptable lie.

Today, people screen the calls, don't return messages, emails, text messages and think it is the way to handle their life.

If someone walks up to you and asks you a question in person chances are you are going to answer them or say something. Face to face you won't act like you do in the Tech world of today.

How many threads have been posted on this board about "how to" or "not" answering emails? Why should that even have to be brought up. Why can't people act like adults and have some manners?

This has noting to do with the lifestyle, it has to do with the way people have become in todays world.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

How many threads have been posted on this board about "how to" or "not" answering emails? Why should that even have to be brought up. Why can't people act like adults and have some manners?

I think many swingers look at other swingers as a commodity and I believe this plays a major role in how swingers treat each other. It becomes easy to be discourteous when a person perved is just another (profile) number that pops up on an ad site.

LM

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by JandCMI

I think communication is so vitally important to all aspects of life, and not just the lifestyle. At work, at home, with family, etc. there needs to be communication so as to avoid conflict, hard feelings, etc.

First off...I agree that technology has lead people to be less considerate in some ways, or at least left them feeling less obligated to observe the social niceities. And I too would appreciate a 'thanks but no thanks' message if you aren't interested.

I agree that communication is important in all parts of life, not just lifestyle related things. However, many people take the path of least resistance (ie: no response or just walking away or avoiding people) because they are trying to avoid conflict and hard feelings.

Sounds a bit counter-productive on one hand. OTOH, not really. If I know what I have to say is going to hurt your feelings, or give rise to a greater conflict...then guess what, I'm not going to say anything to you. There are few people that can walk away from even 'constructive criticism' (talk about oxymoron) delivered in a nice, calm fashion without feeling little chinks in their armor.

The thing is, I think...many people use the avoidance tactic because they don't want to be mean or feel obligated to answer the question many think or sometimes ask, 'Why?' To reference some of your musings in the other post Julie linked to...if it's something physical (cock or breast size, weight, height, etc) or stylistic (as others on this thread have pointed out)...there really isn't much you can do to change those things. Of course there is always perception of the event...what might have been an earth-rocking experience for you and your wife might have only been so so for the other couple.

Anyway...while in the ideal swing world, we could all just say 'thanks but no' or 'the chemistry's not there' etc...unfortunately we're all human, mistakes will be made, and some see just walking away a better solution than getting into a discussion about where things went wrong.

Interesting spin off thread from your OP JandC.

[tribbles]

Now days though, we would just as soon not have anyone tell us anything. One reason for that is as you mentioned above, we aren't likely to change our ways. If my brand of sex isn't your cup of tea, we just aren't compatible.

good times

Besides, by not saying anything, the door stays open to playing if anything changes.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by tribbles

good times

Besides, by not saying anything, the door stays open to playing if anything changes.

Excellent point... as I found out recently. We didn't play with them but based on the first meet didn't think there was sexual chemistry. We told them that... now there's no shot of finding out if there might be chemistry at another meeting, since they haven't bothered to respond to our message. Then again, if we hadn't responded and told them we didn't think there was sexual chemistry we would have been viewed as blowing them off and probably wouldn't have gotten a second chance anyway.

Catch 22 anyone?

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by tribbles

Besides, by not saying anything, the door stays open to playing if anything changes.

Excellent point. Some things are better left unsaid, and sometimes things change. Do you really want to hear, "Well, we enjoyed having sex with you, and would like to do it again, but right now our calendar is packed with meeting new potential playmates and old playmates who we know 100% will float our boats. If you give us a few months, the fires will burn again..."? No. Or how about, "You irritated me with your negativity during our IM conversation the other day, but if you leave me alone for awhile, we'll be fine..." No. Sometimes silence is golden. Unless someone's being openly antagonistic toward us, we let it go and scan the horizon.

[sweet_tna]

I agree that today's technology has somehow robbed most people of good old fashioned manners. And I believe it's possible to be communicate openly and honestly and still maintain those good manners. That said, I've put my feet in my mouth so often, they serve as my dental records.

I prefer that people be as direct with me as I am with them. Not interested in playing with us/playing again? That's fine, just let me know and move on. I'm a big girl, I can take it.

=)

[good times]

Originally Posted by tribbles

Besides, by not saying anything, the door stays open to playing if anything changes.

Good point, the fact is, a lot of times it isn't that we don't ever want to play with someone again, we just aren't in the mood to play with them again that night.