Do you reject the chance for friendship?

[JustAskJulie]

If you were to meet a couple and were interested in them sexually but they told you they didn't feel there was any sexual chemistry but would still like to be friends, what would you do?

We had a situation recently where we met a couple and they seemed like really cool people to hang out with. Initially, I would have said there was a good chance for a connection, but I think what killed the sexual interest was that the hubby got a little too drunk to the point that it was obvious that even the wife was embarrassed by him. When we ended the night, it was obvious that they wanted to continue it. We just weren't feeling it and had honestly wanted to find a way to end the night even earlier because of how the husband was coming off. So the next day they messaged us saying that they'd like to get together again more privately.... we wrote them back that we had a really great time but we just didn't feel a sexual connection with them. We would however like to be friends and see what might happen from there. In other words, in our minds (and maybe we should have made this more clear) the thought was there that maybe if we hung out with them again/ some more we might be able to get that initial feeling back and actually find that we were into them. We never heard back from them.

From our POV, if we were on the opposite side of this situation, we would be all for hanging out with them again and seeing what happened (whether anything happened or not). We have several couples that we know around here that we aren't into sexually but we really enjoy hanging out with them socially. We'd love to find some couples where we could do both (but that hasn't happened yet either).

[lustylearning]

You certainly wouldn't be the first to be turned off by drunkenness, and there's no shame in letting people know it. Many in the lifestyle turn to alcohol to take the edge off, but some of us take it too far. It can only help someone to hear it. It may save them some embarrassment in the long run. And I suspect that if the couple is grown up enough to hear that, a second shot is worth it. On the other hand, if you frame it as, "there's no sexual chemistry, but we'd like to be friends," what that couple will likely hear is a polite "no chance, period, end of story," and they are not likely to go out of their way to invest the time in cultivating a friendship. I think the reason is simple - we are looking for a relationship that has an element of sexuality. If we can't find it in a couple, we move on, unless there is some other circumstance in play which promotes continuing it (e.g. seeing the couple on a regular basis at a club).

Consider this question. If you had the opportunity to spend time with this couple or spend time with another couple whom you could enjoy sexually, which couple would you choose? We are all looking for couple number two

[Greg & Sheryl]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

...if you frame it as, "there's no sexual chemistry, but we'd like to be friends," what that couple will likely hear is a polite "no chance, period, end of story..."

Indeed, we were once on the receiving end of this line, and we took it as a polite, "No, thanks."

Originally Posted by lustylearning

If we can't find (an element of sexuality) in a couple, we move on, unless there is some other circumstance in play which promotes continuing it (e.g. seeing the couple on a regular basis at a club).

This is the main circumstance under which we would develop a lifestyle friendship without any sexual connection. We are also friends with a number of people who are regulars at our private parties even though we have no sexual interest in them. In regards to the poll question, if the another couple were sincere in their offer of non-sexual friendship, we would let them know they were still welcome to attend our parties.

[good times]

I answered "give it a shot" but could have just as easily answered, "other". If we meet someone at the clubs and don't hit it off sexually, it isn't uncommon for us to become friends with them over time. On the other hand, we have never, nor do I think we ever would, go out of our way to hang with them if their is no chance for sex. Unless of course, we find that we have a lot of other similar interests outside of swinging (very rare). So while we aren't opposed to becoming friends with someone we have met through swinging, had we received an email similar to the one you described, and we didn't feel we had any other interest in this couple other than a sexual one, we would probably just pretty much ignore them too. If we kept running into them at the clubs or something and over time became friends, that would be fine. If we didn't, that works fine for us too.

I have to say, it actually surprises us how few people we meet in the lifestyle that we have any desire at all to hang out with outside of swinging. For the large majority of people we meet in swinging, swinging is about the only interest we have in common.

[sweet_tna]

If I were the one told, "let's just be friends," I'd probably take it to mean, "thanks but no thanks." But it gets to be a small world sometimes and you end up running into the same people at parties/clubs. In that case, if we ended up chit chatting and we found we had vanilla things in common, then yes, I would see where things led.

=)

[JustAskJulie]

In this case, we actually did have a lot of things in common and the night was going really well until he had one too many and started getting sloppy (knocking over drinks) and repetitive (um.. dude you just said that 5 minutes ago).

I can definately see where the "no sexual chemistry but we'd like to be friends" could be taken wrong. In this case, we may see them at area socials if they attend, but they had also joined a group we had started on SLS to meet with multiple couples for dinner. They didn't unjoin the group, but we have not heard a word from them since we said we didn't feel there was a sexual chemistry (including any response to our invite for the group dinner).

Had there been NO common interest, we would not have even suggested friendship and would have just left it at no sexual chemistry, but it's rare to find people that you do click with in regards to non-swinging things (as well as have swinging in common) so we do try to make friends with those when we can.

[havefuninsun]

We love finding friends; if we have swinging in common, that's even better.

We've met several couples that we haven't had a swing experience with, but have stayed on friendly terms and consider friends. You never know who you'll meet through those folks.

[des1re06]

I'd be straight up and explain exactly what turned me off. I've done it before. Drunks don't get very far with me either.

As you've read, we have many swing friends that we don't do anything with in the bedroom, but that doesn't mean the we won't develop an attraction at some time.

Good luck

Mrs. D

[Tia Vampire]

There are two couples that we have been with and the sex was not all that. We still hang out together,(once in a while)but have an understanding that we would like to be only friends. There are other couples that we have no interest in at all, but when we go to the club, you would think that we were the best of friends. I don't see why you couldn't be friends with a couple that you don't find sexually attractive. We would do day things with the no interest couples, but of course save the night time for the friends with benifits.

[prettylady]

If I got the lets be friends angle. I would give the benifit of the doubt.
I would say, "thats great, I would really like to hang out again. Just drop us a line when you find the time".
Like you said Julie, perhaps another day the chemistry MIGHT be there.
But as the one who received the lets be friends. I would want to wait to be invited back before persuing it any further incase it was a gental brush off. I don't want to be pushy with anyone.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[Tybee Swing]

I voted "other" because we wouldn't go out of our way to hang out with the couple who's not attracted to us, but we wouldn't ignore/avoid them, either. If we were told by another couple that "there is no sexual chemistry" with us, we would take it to mean a very clear and certain "there will be NO sex, not ever". If we happened to bump into them at a party or something, we'd be friendly but we wouldn't waste time hanging with them. In fact, we would believe that they would not be genuinely interested in hanging with us, because they are there to meet people they're attracted to, and we ain't it.

If we were with a couple whom we found attractive and fun, and we were attracted and interested in them when they were still sober, we wouldn't say there was no sexual attraction, we'd tell them (in a nice way) why things didn't work out for us. Neither one of us like drunks, and my husband is adamant about not playing with drunk women (major turn-off for him). If the guy is a drunk who gets hammered every time they go out, they'll agree we're not compatible because they probably think that getting hammered is part of their "fun"; maybe they think that sober people are boring. But on the other hand, maybe he was nervous and just went too far, maybe it's not his usual way when he goes out, and he made a mistake that he'd love to have a chance to rectify. So, we all go out again, he stays sober, and they're really attractive to us this time.

If we'd told them right away "we have no sexual attraction to you", that's closing the door on them, for sure. (At least, it would be for us if we were on the receiving end of that statement.)

[daisy girl]

Hmmm...what an interesting question. Personally, I am cautious about calling those that I swing with, "friends." I prefer for my swinging experiences to be purely recreational and with people that I respect. Not saying that we do not truly enjoy those that we swing with...it is just that I prefer to have pretty clear boundaries.

[graygo98]

Boy, I feel so all alone... I voted #1.

There are people that we run into at clubs that we chat with, laugh with, maybe play some pool with but are not interested in playing with. Would we go over to their house for a BBQ? No way, too much else crowding our time. They are acquaintances, fun people, but not friends.

We're looking for excitement and new experiences in the lifestyle, not friends. Sure, if a real friendship were to develop that would be great, but it hasn't happened yet. We had one couple say that they were only interested in FF play but if that didn't work for us really wanted to be friends.... movies, cards etc. Nice people, but we weren't interested. It's just not what we are looking for. Friends and family and people to play cards with we are already blessed with.

So, if we had received your note there would have been a polite reply along the lines of "Thanks, you are great people but that's not what we are interested in."

[daisy girl]

Originally Posted by graygo98

Boy, I feel so all alone... I voted #1.

There are people that we run into at clubs that we chat with, laugh with, maybe play some pool with but are not interested in playing with. Would we go over to their house for a BBQ? No way, too much else crowding our time. They are acquaintances, fun people, but not friends.

We're looking for excitement and new experiences in the lifestyle, not friends. Sure, if a real friendship were to develop that would be great, but it hasn't happened yet. We had one couple say that they were only interested in FF play but if that didn't work for us really wanted to be friends.... movies, cards etc. Nice people, but we weren't interested. It's just not what we are looking for. Friends and family and people to play cards with we are already blessed with.

So, if we had received your note there would have been a polite reply along the lines of "Thanks, you are great people but that's not what we are interested in."

Don't feel all alone...I know where you are coming from.

[MrsVan]

If it was a couple where we got along with really well but the chemistry was not there, we would absolutely love to "just be friends" and have in the back of our minds that maybe something could change down the road. If not, then no big deal. We enjoy the friendships we have made in the LS and we are here to not just have sex but hope to create new friendships.

We have many friends that we have met in the LS and do not play with either because we just cannot find time to get together or have went our different ways.

MrsVan