Bed Hoppers & Post Notchers...

[JustAskJulie]

So we see this a lot, the " we aren't bed post notchers" or "we don't want bed hoppers". But what is it that TO YOU defines these terms. I feel like these are terms that are different for everyone. While to me personally, they mean people who jump from partner to partner with no desire to do repeat business or to necessarily even see those partners again. However, when I read those words in a profile, I don't reply to the profile because I'm afraid that those who actually include those phrases in their profiles are strictly looking for "friends first" or perhaps just aren't really ready to swing at all (kind of along the lines of those who put "no drama" in their profiles tend to be the ones bringing it).

[pervgeeks]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

So we see this a lot, the " we aren't bed post notchers" or "we don't want bed hoppers". But what is it that TO YOU defines these terms. I feel like these are terms that are different for everyone. While to me personally, they mean people who jump from partner to partner with no desire to do repeat business or to necessarily even see those partners again. However, when I read those words in a profile, I don't reply to the profile because I'm afraid that those who actually include those phrases in their profiles are strictly looking for "friends first" or perhaps just aren't really ready to swing at all (kind of along the lines of those who put "no drama" in their profiles tend to be the ones bringing it).

In our experience it means people who want to be exclusive, essentially poly, but don't know what that is, so they call themselves swingers. Swinging for us is about variety, fun, and making friends. The commitment and love is between the two of us as a couple. We are very honest from the beginning now, we love to play again with our friends, but we do not want to be exclusive with any one couple.

[Additude]

I think I read it as "Impersonal". Meaning if a couple says, "We are not bed hoppers" then they are looking for something other than a "Hello-Lets Fuck-Nice Knowing Ya-Thanks-Goodby" encounter.

We all know there are people in this lifestyle that live it on a weekly basis or even daily, it's actually a major part of their lives. But there are others in this lifestyle that play less frequently and consider the lifestyle something that is more spontaneous, something to add a little excitement once and awhile.

I think that "We are not bed hoppers" means they want a sexual encounter to be more on a personal level, more of a friendship level, etc.

I do not see it as having any underlying connotations other than not wanting a "Fuck and Run" encounter.

[des1re06]

I do not see it as having any underlying connotations other than not wanting a "Fuck and Run" encounter.

That's how we think about it, and it is in our profile. Yes, we want to know something about you (at least your first name) before "hopping" in the sack. We don't have to swap, and it must be a pleasurable experience.

We're not into unknown partners or gang bangs with anonymous strangers. We definately swing, and often, but that doesn't mean we have sex with just anyone.

Mrs. D

[sweet_tna]

So we see this a lot, the " we aren't bed post notchers" or "we don't want bed hoppers". But what is it that TO YOU defines these terms.

I deliberately avoided using those words in our profile, because I don't want to give the impression that we have to be super-best-friends to play. Granted, we've had those encounters where we couldn't remember someone's name afterward, but unless it's at a party/orgy type situation, we prefer to know a little something about those with whom we play.

I think the folks that do use that phrase either really want to be friends before playing, and/or have been burned by a couple they thought they had hit it off with and ended up not hearing from again.

=)

[LikeMinds321]

I see these terms a lot and I think what they mean to the people can usually be understood from what their profile says as a whole.

For some it means they prefer getting to know people before they have sex with them and they understand that may take some time - they may want to be "friends first," for some it means they don't get out to swing too often, for some it means they are more "selective" and therefore don't have sex with a lot of people, for some it is a way to say we aren't "hardcore swingers" which is another term that swingers aren't sure how to define, for many I think the terms are used to express they aren't sluts.

We don't use those terms, but if we did it would mean we don't want to disfigure our new Ethan Allen four-poster bed.

LM

[two42lovers]

Seems most who say "no post notchers or bed hoppers" basically mean they look down on people who are active swingers. (i.e. more active than them.) They are saying one night stands - and people who enjoy one night stands - are undesirable. Main idea they are trying to get across is they have no interest in people who play with numerous partners.

People who play easily, who don't require a lot of relationship building to enjoy sex with someone, are kinda threatening to the "slow-poke swingers". Slow-poke swingers like to have a couple of months of emails and phone calls, and then four or five dinner dates, before they even think about sex -lol! ("Keep your pants on buster! This is only the fourth date - we don't even know if we're attracted yet!")

[Greg & Sheryl]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

...when I read those words in a profile, I don't reply to the profile because I'm afraid that those who actually include those phrases in their profiles are strictly looking for "friends first" or perhaps just aren't really ready to swing at all (kind of along the lines of those who put "no drama" in their profiles tend to be the ones bringing it).

We don't reply to those profiles, either. Even though we have no objection to making friends and having repeat encounters, because we are always open to playing with new partners, we think we probably qualify as bedpost-notchers in their eyes. Furthermore, we think that bed-hopping is a defining component of swinging. It would be closer to polyamory if we were to limit our partners to a small, finite number.

[Hot Raleigh Cpl]

We kinda agree with two42lovers, some folks may be intimidated by swingers more active or experienced than themselves.

We are probably more active than most. We're looking for good sex, and when it develops into friendship and repeat encounters, great. We're fortunate to have made lots of friends who we play with from time to time, as their availability and ours coincides. But we're also happy to play with new partners, both here in Raleigh and when we travel.

For less experienced swingers, we offer an unthreatening encounter. We also allow them the opportunity to ask questions about swinging, which we answer based on our experience. Folks who are more active or experienced than us don't turn us off at all.

However, we understand that some folks are looking for lifelong friends before they commit to any sexual encounter, and that's OK, too. All swingers need to play in the fashion that works for them.

S and L, Hot Raleigh Cpl

[havefuninsun]

I wonder if some people say "we're not bed notchers" and mean "we're not 'ho's" -- meaning, they're careful, they're discreet, and they pick their playmates and not fuck anything moving.

Those who fuck and run scare me because of the disease factor -- are they being careful and making an informed decision? Not that an informed decision means disease free, but it might mean they're being a little picky with whom they're playing.

And, can't really say you're not a 'ho, cuz you kinda are if you're on that site -- LOL!!!

Love,
Ms.FunHo

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

I wonder if some people say "we're not bed notchers" and mean "we're not 'ho's" -- meaning, they're careful, they're discreet, and they pick their playmates and not fuck anything moving.

I do think that's how many people mean it when they put it in their profiles... but it's obvious that's not how people READ it.

And at the same time, I have a feeling that many people who actually USE that verbage if you were to write them and ask what they mean by that, they'd probably take the attitude that if you are asking you probably are one.

[Tia Vampire]

We thought that the bed hoppers part were couples at a swing party that went in and out of rooms with different partners or a one night stand couple.

Post notcher were couples that you could say that you have been with.

A person would put this in their profile if they did not like others that behaved like this and was not willing to be added to the hopper's list of playmates.

[Playful1]

I tend to see it as them saying they look down on people who will play on a first meeting, or even play and not remember the person name the net day (if play was at a party). I admit, i have had one of those nights.

I also think this because most of the people I have met, who had this on their profile, indeed looked down on anyone who was not best friends with the people before they had sex, or who swung more than maybe once a month if that.

I generally see those words in a profile as a warning sign and proceed with caution. I'm in this to have fun. If i make friends out of people i have sex with thats great, but not needed.

[Ellyanne77]

You know we kind of had that "stay away from people that have a bajillion certs" kind of attitude. Then we got pounced on by a "multiple cert" couple at a party and it was the sexual experience of a lifetime for both of us. Now we look at couples that have a lot of experience totally different. They tend to be extremely sexually confident and very open to anything you have in mind. So in closing, we have a special place in our heart for bednotchers.

[cocpl2007]

The definitions of “Swinging” and “Poly” have been repeatedly explored here on various threads. There is that gray area between both that we see ourselves. The jargon “Bed Hoppers & Post Notchers” seems to be an attempt to put a negative spin on the mainstream swinger crowd. Many enjoy the variety (# of play partners), and seek that in their play partners, others who are in this equally for the variety, only within their less main stream desire for that variety to come within one other playmate/couple. Poly adds the “love” factor.

It has been our experience, like that alluded to by Julie, that those who post this in their profiles are just the ones who engage in the exact opposite.