Bed Hoppers & Post Notchers...

[cubnamy1995]

I have a question. While we are selective, is it really so bad that we as swingers are out for variety? I kind of thought that was the point. When we first started we were all about the "friends first" thing until we did a couple of times, and decided that was stupid. Now, we really don't even have to like you all that much.

Seriously though, as I mentioned in one of our blogs, we are "experience collectors." What does that mean? We like to try things (and people) we've never done before. By some definitions, that would make us bed-hoppers. Then again, it's not like we are going to hit everything we see.

Yeah, many may think "we are not bed-hoppers" is like a teenage girl who doesn't want people to think she is easy. But we are easy. Why fight reality? If we like you and you like us, you will get laid if you so choose. If you liked it and we did too, it may happen again, and again, and again. But even if you or we didn't like it, it is nonetheless a new experience we didn't have before, therefore, it was a good time for us. Then the next man, woman, couple, or group comes along, and if we like them, we will hop right in with them too. Is that really so bad?

Men, how many of you are impressed that Wilt Chamberlain slept with over 1000 women in his lifetime? I know I am, and while I may never reach those kind of numbers, I'm damn sure gonna try. Why? Because when I look back at my life when I'm 80, I want to grin and say "Damn. That was fun."

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by Ellyanne77

You know we kind of had that "stay away from people that have a bajillion certs" kind of attitude. Then we got pounced on by a "multiple cert" couple at a party and it was the sexual experience of a lifetime for both of us. Now we look at couples that have a lot of experience totally different. They tend to be extremely sexually confident and very open to anything you have in mind. So in closing, we have a special place in our heart for bednotchers.

This observation has combined in my head with the "marketing meeting" thought that I just picked up from the "Lifestyle Quirks" thread. A couple of our acquaintance periodically culls their list of certifications such that the number stays around 20. And they do not simply knock off the oldest ones.

[iapr]

In the book "Doin' one for the Team," Simbaxxx stated that a lot of the terms of this nature in profiles are from people trying to deny that they are having sex with other people are trying to make themselves sound "less slutty."
It's their way of trying to rationalize and justify what they are doing and to make it sound like they have some kind of higher purpose.


Personally I think some of it is just newbie terms and they have preconcieved ideas that all swingers are a bunch of sex maniacs and they are trying to show that they are somehow "different." Since they are able to truly express themselves and their interests all that effectively yet they use labels like that.

[BiloxiCouple]

How many people do you have to sleep with to be considered slutty anyways?

[Ellyanne77]

This thread envoked some good conversation between my wife and I last night. She was talking about how when we play out of town it is always more exciting than playing in town. Don't know why it just is. She said when we started she felt she needed to have some sort of friendship with a couple prior to anything sexual. However as we have gotten deeper into this, she said she is really leaning more towards a "fuck em and forget em" type policy, as she finds it more exciting. If I had had a medal for greatest wife ever, I would have pinned it on her right there. Everyonce in awhile she really surprises me and I love that about her.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by iapr

It's their way of trying to rationalize and justify what they are doing and to make it sound like they have some kind of higher purpose.

This is what I was thinking as I was re-reading this thread.

Not really the whole 'higher purpose' part...however, they may be justifying their actions with the 'friends first' comment. ie: 'The sex is just an extension of the friendship.' And that they feel they are more discriminating than the rest of us sluts that will play on a first meet. jk

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by Hot Raleigh Cpl

However, we understand that some folks are looking for lifelong friends before they commit to any sexual encounter, and that's OK, too. All swingers need to play in the fashion that works for them.

I tend to agree with this. We're all looking for something, and some of us like it packaged in a particular way. Your preference may not be mine, and that's okay. When I see the words "no bed post notchers, friends first, no play on the first date," lumped together, I think to myself, this is a couple that requires some romancing, and that only if you're a good match. So if we meet these peeps, it's more likely to be on a bit by bit basis, at a club or at meet n greets - low pressure warmup

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

So we see this a lot, the " we aren't bed post notchers" or "we don't want bed hoppers". But what is it that TO YOU defines these terms.

I think it is code for "friends first" or "we want to be in a quasi-poly situation but don't want to say it because the thought makes us uncomfortable."

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

So we see this a lot, the " we aren't bed post notchers" or "we don't want bed hoppers". But what is it that TO YOU defines these terms.

To me, these terms sound derogatory. The person saying these things may look down on swingers who may have sex on the first "date", and who are fairly casual about moving forward with sex.

I also feel that they're warning the reader ahead of time that they plan to proceed slowly, and need to consider all sorts of factors carefully before they decide to move forward. They may want to email for a length of time before even meeting for a drink. They may want to go out a few times before anything sexual happens. They probably are looking for "meaningful" sex (I remember a thread about that here), and friendship.

I would expect to see these terms on profiles where people meet couples one date at a time, rather than those who frequent on-premise clubs.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- I typically find that these people create a self imposed barrier to Play. The term 'bed hopper's or 'bed notcher's means they will not 'meet and mate' with people. I would guess that these people have never had a 'one night stand' and have only had sex within the context of an emotional bond. Therefore, for Swinging, they want to emulate the only sex play that they know, one that has some form of an emotional bond first.

Sometimes that barrier will come down, other times it will just create drama. When I had only monogamous relationships, I was pleased to find that after having casual sex with a friend that nothing bad happened. I kept having sex and nothing bad has ever happened be it 'meet and mate' or 'friends with benefits'. I tend to have really good radar, prequalify people with grownup questions and an smart about my sexual bahavior.

The toughest thing for some people, often women, is to say is that they just had great sex with someone they barely knew. I know the first time I let that happen for me it was a wonderful experience.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by Ellyanne77

This thread envoked some good conversation between my wife and I last night. She was talking about how when we play out of town it is always more exciting than playing in town. Don't know why it just is. She said when we started she felt she needed to have some sort of friendship with a couple prior to anything sexual. However as we have gotten deeper into this, she said she is really leaning more towards a "fuck em and forget em" type policy, as she finds it more exciting. If I had had a medal for greatest wife ever, I would have pinned it on her right there. Everyonce in awhile she really surprises me and I love that about her.

I have found that I feel the same way. It is as though if we play with or meet people locally there is more pressure to "be friends" with them or develop something more than just sex. If we meet them in say Nashville, we might see them again at the club and we might even play again... but chances are they aren't going to be expecting to become buddies OR even necessarily to play every time we see each other. I realize this probably isn't a valid concern overall. But I do find that we are more into making friends with the locals and screwing when we are out of town.

[newblueyedcpl4u]

You have to think about what this really means. To us it is pretty simple. We like to do a meet and greet with most couples before we decide we are going to bed with them. We have been to meet and greets where it seems the guy is the arogant large and in charge type that just wants sex with whomever and it doesn't matter who or what. The wife ends up being the passive type that will do whatever hubby wants to keep him happy. That to us is a delima and we back away from those type individuals. We are a little older and more experienced in our lives and the thought comes to mind. Would I go out on a date with this individual if I was single? Is there a physical attraction to this individual or couple? There are times we meet people and walk away saying no way, and I am sure the same happens to us. That type individual is what I call a bednothcher or bedjumper. He will basically have sex with anyone that will do it. I am sure that is what these people are trying to say. If we meet you and we are not in some way compatable, then we are not going to have sex with you. Attitude is everything and the people we have been with are nice friendly folks that we enjoy being with and want to take it further. We also shy away from those who say they want to find one or two couples to be get together with and expect us to be loyal to them. This ends up hurting feelings also because when they see you in a club talking or with someone else they expect you to drop everything and be with them. It is a fine line and I think swinging is an enjoyment thing, and you need to enjoy being with the people you choose to swing with. We also shy away from people with multiple certs and no discredit to you folks that have them. We feel swinging is a once in a while getaway, not an obsession. We far more enjoy being with each other then with others. It is just a turn on now and then to see your partner with someone else and let them enjoy something a little different as you are doing, but... usually the best sex is between the two of you after the other couple leaves~~

[pervgeeks]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

This is what I was thinking as I was re-reading this thread.

Not really the whole 'higher purpose' part...however, they may be justifying their actions with the 'friends first' comment. ie: 'The sex is just an extension of the friendship.' And that they feel they are more discriminating than the rest of us sluts that will play on a first meet. jk

We will definitely play on the first date and like variety, but we do like repeat playtimes too and often friendship can happen from that. I think after you've been with people once, you can begin to explore even more. We've evolved into friendships with people (we're friendly, personable people), but after the sex. We actually try to avoid the opposite. We're in this lifestyle for our sexual fantasies as a couple first (not to hold anyone's hand, "convince" them, or be their BFF ) and that works very well for us. If people we've had great sex with want to come back for more also (and we can have fun in other ways as well), all the better.

If someone has to go through any extremely long process, expecting some long "courtship" or feelings first, well, they probably aren't ready for this.

[des1re06]

Do you prefer to play locally or do you prefer to leave town to play?

We prefer to party out of town, simply because we don't have a club here.

We have our house parties here.

In revisiting the "bed hopper" question, consider this:

We're at a club where there is a large group bed, and couples are lined up. Someone yells out "switch" and everyone switches partners. You may not know anyone in the line, and suddenly you're being fucked by a stranger.

That's the sort of play we're not into (yet). We do play on the first date, and we don't want a commitment like poly. We do have friends, but that doesn't mean we must swap with them.

I'm glad we're discussing this topic, because it's making us rethink what these terms mean. We're not out to make others feel bad for the way they swap; to each his/her own. On the other hand, we feel we should be honest in our profile as to what we're looking for at this time.


Mrs. D

[LFM2]

Great Thread!!

This is often talked about between Dave and I. We love it that we're open enough to have sex on the first date. We don't have BBQ's with our swing friends, we don't have sleep overs. We know of many swingers that follow the same basic train of thought: Plain and simple, we have sex, which is fun, which was meant to be fun and that's it. I don't classify us as "bed post notchers" or "bed hoppers". It's just the way we are. We're spontaneous, excited and darnnit, we just love sex.